SN parents, why don’t you disclose or share?

[Anonymous]

Also, if you now know the child only eats Lays and blueberries, can’t you buy Lays and blueberries for next time?

But if the child only eats Lays and blueberries, why doesn’t your daughter know that about her? My 7 year old knows the restrictive eating quirks of her friends — who likes raisins and who hates them, who likes pretzels, who has what allergies. Ask your daughter. If the child has a super limited diet, surely your child has noticed, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also, if you now know the child only eats Lays and blueberries, can’t you buy Lays and blueberries for next time?

But if the child only eats Lays and blueberries, why doesn’t your daughter know that about her? My 7 year old knows the restrictive eating quirks of her friends — who likes raisins and who hates them, who likes pretzels, who has what allergies. Ask your daughter. If the child has a super limited diet, surely your child has noticed, right?

+1

The kids all know who is allergic to peanuts or shellfish or who is vegetarian or dairy free. They know who likes chocolate and who likes sour gummies, they know who eats PBJ for lunch or rice. And who is picky or restrictive and who isn't.

[Anonymous]

OP, do you share everything personal in your life?

[Anonymous]

Op sounds like she has a lot of anxiety about her own children. Some parents - of SN or NT - tell other parents the 15 minutes lengthy speech about every single need and peculiarity of their kid…. That they like their carrot sticks cut into diced bites, they prefer the temp between 74-76 degrees, they prefer easterly views…..

This isn’t how other parents roll. I don’t give other parents long descriptives of ds. Im only leaving him with people who know him, and they can figure it out. I’m also fine with people saying no to any weird stuff ds may request at someone else’s house, and certainly okay if another parent corrects his rude behavior (if it should happen). I know ds is going to act even weirder than he normally does in a new setting. He’s not a pouter, so I’d something isn’t to his liking, he’ll get over it.

Given how anxious op is about her own kids (needing to give the 15 minute speech to all parents about them), I’m wondering if she was way more stressed about this friends preferences than she needed to be. Some parents freak out when their kids needs aren’t immediately met. I’m thinking op is this way, so when this kids needs weren’t immediately met and the kid was a bit pouty, op interpreted that as catastrophe. Because she’s used to catering to her own kids every whim.

I’ve had kids in our house (sn inlcuded) who insist on only dinosaur shaped chicken nuggets for dinner, or only eating SunChips. I’ll respond sorry we don’t have that, you can have this or not eat. Kids are always fine not eating for the three hours, even if a little pouty. I literally could not care any less.

I’m thinking op isn’t used to saying no to a kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op sounds like she has a lot of anxiety about her own children. Some parents - of SN or NT - tell other parents the 15 minutes lengthy speech about every single need and peculiarity of their kid…. That they like their carrot sticks cut into diced bites, they prefer the temp between 74-76 degrees, they prefer easterly views…..

This isn’t how other parents roll. I don’t give other parents long descriptives of ds. Im only leaving him with people who know him, and they can figure it out. I’m also fine with people saying no to any weird stuff ds may request at someone else’s house, and certainly okay if another parent corrects his rude behavior (if it should happen). I know ds is going to act even weirder than he normally does in a new setting. He’s not a pouter, so I’d something isn’t to his liking, he’ll get over it.

Given how anxious op is about her own kids (needing to give the 15 minute speech to all parents about them), I’m wondering if she was way more stressed about this friends preferences than she needed to be. Some parents freak out when their kids needs aren’t immediately met. I’m thinking op is this way, so when this kids needs weren’t immediately met and the kid was a bit pouty, op interpreted that as catastrophe. Because she’s used to catering to her own kids every whim.

I’ve had kids in our house (sn inlcuded) who insist on only dinosaur shaped chicken nuggets for dinner, or only eating SunChips. I’ll respond sorry we don’t have that, you can have this or not eat. Kids are always fine not eating for the three hours, even if a little pouty. I literally could not care any less.

I’m thinking op isn’t used to saying no to a kid.

Or you aren’t doing any favors to your kuds by not advocacy for them

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, I’m a SN mom and I can’t believe the responses you’re getting here. OP, thank you for being kind and supporting this friendship and this young child.

Some reasons they might not have told you:

In kids this age, diagnoses are often in flux. Different providers disagree. Parents are trying to tease out what seems right. There are a million theories and protocols and it’s overwhelming.

A lot of parents will be cruel, will decide the end the friendship, will judge, will talk behind our backs.

It’s an emotionally fraught journey to accept that one’s child has SN and even a simple playdate requires so much planning and strategy. It’s sad, exhausting, and challenges a lifetime of assumptions.

Thank you for giving this child and her family so much grace. Now you know what the “hacks” were for this time. Now, keep in mind that kids change so fast and that’s equally true for SN kids. Those same things might not work next time. But I would gently ask before you host again. Something like this: “I realized last time that Anna really wanted to eat X. Should I plan for that again? What else can I do to make sure she has a good time?”

Thank you, PP. I really like how you expressed this and will
Use this specific wording. When I asked last time she was here, it seemed to be met with “well, she’s not normally so picky”, when child told me herself that she only eats x. I know that the parents are likely trying to be gracious, but it actually causes more issues only because I can’t help effectively. Like I said, I’ll go get the right brand of snack and whatever so kid can come here worry free and just have fun. But I can’t know what I don’t know.

why don't you just ask the child herself?

As I have already said, I did, but it was too late. She says she always ONLY eats certain snacks, including specific brand brand. I knew about which snack as it had been talked about in front of us before, but not the brand. She freaked out over the brand and was rude to my kid for offering it. I was not in a position at that point to go out and get specified snack.

Just ask her to bring her own food. Simple.

Because the kid just made up the rule of the chip brand today. And it’s actually not about the chip brand. It’s just that they’re broadly uncomfortable and want to have a fit about something and this was the thing they found to have a fit about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op sounds like she has a lot of anxiety about her own children. Some parents - of SN or NT - tell other parents the 15 minutes lengthy speech about every single need and peculiarity of their kid…. That they like their carrot sticks cut into diced bites, they prefer the temp between 74-76 degrees, they prefer easterly views…..

This isn’t how other parents roll. I don’t give other parents long descriptives of ds. Im only leaving him with people who know him, and they can figure it out. I’m also fine with people saying no to any weird stuff ds may request at someone else’s house, and certainly okay if another parent corrects his rude behavior (if it should happen). I know ds is going to act even weirder than he normally does in a new setting. He’s not a pouter, so I’d something isn’t to his liking, he’ll get over it.

Given how anxious op is about her own kids (needing to give the 15 minute speech to all parents about them), I’m wondering if she was way more stressed about this friends preferences than she needed to be. Some parents freak out when their kids needs aren’t immediately met. I’m thinking op is this way, so when this kids needs weren’t immediately met and the kid was a bit pouty, op interpreted that as catastrophe. Because she’s used to catering to her own kids every whim.

I’ve had kids in our house (sn inlcuded) who insist on only dinosaur shaped chicken nuggets for dinner, or only eating SunChips. I’ll respond sorry we don’t have that, you can have this or not eat. Kids are always fine not eating for the three hours, even if a little pouty. I literally could not care any less.

I’m thinking op isn’t used to saying no to a kid.

Or you aren’t doing any favors to your kuds by not advocacy for them

Nah, I think kids being picky about food is endemic - for Sn and NT kids. They should learn that life won’t cater to them. Three hours won’t kill them. It didn’t sound like the kid visiting op had any serious issues about it - just that things were “uncomfortable” for the remainder of the visit. Life will go on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Because it’s not actually any of your business and you are not part of the child’s therapy team. It doesn’t sound like she actually caused any serious issues other than rudeness. It’s your home - you are free to correct her and request she speak politely. You don’t actually have to have the exact brand of chips she wants. It sounds to me that you are being nosy and more interested in putting a label on her because she makes you uncomfortable; that way, you can reassure yourself that your kid is normal and she is “other.”

This. While delivered bluntly, this is the reason why.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also, if you now know the child only eats Lays and blueberries, can’t you buy Lays and blueberries for next time?

But if the child only eats Lays and blueberries, why doesn’t your daughter know that about her? My 7 year old knows the restrictive eating quirks of her friends — who likes raisins and who hates them, who likes pretzels, who has what allergies. Ask your daughter. If the child has a super limited diet, surely your child has noticed, right?

Yes, I know this for next time. It hair would have saved so much had the parents just told me. My kid knew, like me, that kid only ate 1 fruit and 1 flavoe of chip- she did not know brand or variety of fruit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, if you now know the child only eats Lays and blueberries, can’t you buy Lays and blueberries for next time?

But if the child only eats Lays and blueberries, why doesn’t your daughter know that about her? My 7 year old knows the restrictive eating quirks of her friends — who likes raisins and who hates them, who likes pretzels, who has what allergies. Ask your daughter. If the child has a super limited diet, surely your child has noticed, right?

Yes, I know this for next time. It hair would have saved so much had the parents just told me. My kid knew, like me, that kid only ate 1 fruit and 1 flavoe of chip- she did not know brand or variety of fruit.

You’re still here complaining about SN parents? Get a life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP it sounds like your concern relates to one family so why are you making it about all SN families?

While hers might sound like it, we know it's about many families. There are many more who ignore it all.
We had that happen in extended family. We knew a person over a decade and nobody says a word. When life got hard, it got really hard for them, and nobody knew why. Too late now.
Don't want to know or want to hide, keep them safe. Others can't do it without some of that information.

NP. Knowing some letters would not have made anything easier except your curiosity.

For the OP, kids are different in different situations and environments. It's quite possible that the family doesn't know what information you would have liked to have, either because it's not an issue at home or it's not an issue for them.

When soothing the kid, she said she only eats X. Ever. When I asked the parents, they did confirm but also said they didn’t know why she was being so picky. Of course she is more selective on comfort foods in a different environment. To me, this was such an easy solution.

This was the path of discovery for many things over the week. I don’t care if it’s labeled a quirk or an SN, i just want kid to have a good time here if i am tasked with watching her as a favor. 12+ hours out of my week, and my child’s is a lot and we deserve the kindness of understanding. We can be empathetic but we could also be armed to help reduce the stressors that made everyone uncomfortable.

I guess what gets me is meeting this kid for a few minutes, you see that she is very particular. We adore her anyways and want her in our
Lives. I just wish the parents knew that we are actually here to help, but that help requires a meeting of truth. Finding out her “things” when they are stressors isn’t my job.

You don't need a diagnosis for this. Next time just ask the parents, "is there anything I should know in advance? Are there specific foods Larla likes? Are there things she refuses to eat? Anything I should know that can help our time go smoothly?"

Then they can respond in a helpful way, and include the information they're comfortable sharing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP it sounds like your concern relates to one family so why are you making it about all SN families?

While hers might sound like it, we know it's about many families. There are many more who ignore it all.
We had that happen in extended family. We knew a person over a decade and nobody says a word. When life got hard, it got really hard for them, and nobody knew why. Too late now.
Don't want to know or want to hide, keep them safe. Others can't do it without some of that information.

NP. Knowing some letters would not have made anything easier except your curiosity.

For the OP, kids are different in different situations and environments. It's quite possible that the family doesn't know what information you would have liked to have, either because it's not an issue at home or it's not an issue for them.

When soothing the kid, she said she only eats X. Ever. When I asked the parents, they did confirm but also said they didn’t know why she was being so picky. Of course she is more selective on comfort foods in a different environment. To me, this was such an easy solution.

This was the path of discovery for many things over the week. I don’t care if it’s labeled a quirk or an SN, i just want kid to have a good time here if i am tasked with watching her as a favor. 12+ hours out of my week, and my child’s is a lot and we deserve the kindness of understanding. We can be empathetic but we could also be armed to help reduce the stressors that made everyone uncomfortable.

I guess what gets me is meeting this kid for a few minutes, you see that she is very particular. We adore her anyways and want her in our
Lives. I just wish the parents knew that we are actually here to help, but that help requires a meeting of truth. Finding out her “things” when they are stressors isn’t my job.

You don't need a diagnosis for this. Next time just ask the parents, "is there anything I should know in advance? Are there specific foods Larla likes? Are there things she refuses to eat? Anything I should know that can help our time go smoothly?"

Then they can respond in a helpful way, and include the information they're comfortable sharing.

But that doesn’t satisfy OP’ Main Character Syndrome (MCS). She needed the parents to have fully discussed their child’s diagnosis along with the exact steps OP could take to guarantee a playdate that both satisfied OP that she was such a good, inclusive person for hosting a poor disabled child; AND simultaneously ensuring that OP and her child would not have to witness any non-NT behavior. Because of course the parents have some sort of proprietary information that would have made the playdate go perfectly that they are inexplicably withholding from OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, I’m a SN mom and I can’t believe the responses you’re getting here. OP, thank you for being kind and supporting this friendship and this young child.

Some reasons they might not have told you:

In kids this age, diagnoses are often in flux. Different providers disagree. Parents are trying to tease out what seems right. There are a million theories and protocols and it’s overwhelming.

A lot of parents will be cruel, will decide the end the friendship, will judge, will talk behind our backs.

It’s an emotionally fraught journey to accept that one’s child has SN and even a simple playdate requires so much planning and strategy. It’s sad, exhausting, and challenges a lifetime of assumptions.

Thank you for giving this child and her family so much grace. Now you know what the “hacks” were for this time. Now, keep in mind that kids change so fast and that’s equally true for SN kids. Those same things might not work next time. But I would gently ask before you host again. Something like this: “I realized last time that Anna really wanted to eat X. Should I plan for that again? What else can I do to make sure she has a good time?”

OP. this is a good response. I am an SN parent.

The bolded part has been our experience, with at-the-time moms' friends (who I add are no longer friends).

You can not believe the responses I was met with when I opened up to individuals...and then not-so-well meaning gossip spreads. DS pre-emptively not invited to parties and outings and playdates. Mean things said to DS. When I told a friend mom on our street , who feigned "genuine concern" about DS (her DD and DS were friends and in school together), a bit about our struggles and DS, she snapped back, "Autism, what is he doing in OUR school?? He needs to go somewhere else!!!" This was over 10 years ago and she has never spoken to me since that time. Her DD became un-friended from DS immediately (they had ToT'd, played on the street with other friends, etc.) Looking back, there is a fine line to being honest and being protective. One experience will be just that. There is no playbook or answer manual.

In the OP, given the ask to babysit after school, I do believe the mom owed you more information, but it is not my place to say what/how much. After your day 1 struggles with kid, you could have offered feedback and asked how to improve rest of the week. Thanks for be a helpful person.

[Anonymous]

It's kind of cute, OP, that you seem to think that once you have the parents disclose whatever diagnosis/es to you that somehow you will have all the information to make this kid comfortable and will know how to act/respond in every situation with that kid.

It's not like all autistic people come with a set list of "triggers" and once you know them you can avoid meltdowns, rudeness, etc.

[Anonymous]

Wow, I’m surprised at so many harsh replies to the OP, many of which seem to be reading an ill intent into the post which I do not think was present.