SN parents, why don’t you disclose or share?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, I’m a SN mom and I can’t believe the responses you’re getting here. OP, thank you for being kind and supporting this friendship and this young child.

Some reasons they might not have told you:

In kids this age, diagnoses are often in flux. Different providers disagree. Parents are trying to tease out what seems right. There are a million theories and protocols and it’s overwhelming.

A lot of parents will be cruel, will decide the end the friendship, will judge, will talk behind our backs.

It’s an emotionally fraught journey to accept that one’s child has SN and even a simple playdate requires so much planning and strategy. It’s sad, exhausting, and challenges a lifetime of assumptions.

Thank you for giving this child and her family so much grace. Now you know what the “hacks” were for this time. Now, keep in mind that kids change so fast and that’s equally true for SN kids. Those same things might not work next time. But I would gently ask before you host again. Something like this: “I realized last time that Anna really wanted to eat X. Should I plan for that again? What else can I do to make sure she has a good time?”

Thank you, PP. I really like how you expressed this and will
Use this specific wording. When I asked last time she was here, it seemed to be met with “well, she’s not normally so picky”, when child told me herself that she only eats x. I know that the parents are likely trying to be gracious, but it actually causes more issues only because I can’t help effectively. Like I said, I’ll go get the right brand of snack and whatever so kid can come here worry free and just have fun. But I can’t know what I don’t know.

maybe the parents are telling the truth? just a thought.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:OP it sounds like your concern relates to one family so why are you making it about all SN families?

I’m not making it about “all” families. We have families in our life that do disclose. I am trying to understand why parents may not, when it would only help the situation. We are always flexible and kind with this kid, and I feel a very flexible and kind home. I am asking ALL parents because I would like different insights. Everyone has a different story. Is that so wrong?

And I am NOT saying I need particulars like dx - I just would like to know that she needs x,y,z. Or sometimes x,y,z happens. We have seen this kid in full meltdown when her bike “doesn’t go the right way” and I get it. Just tell
Me she needs x brand of chips in x flavor so I can make the evening easier on her and on my kid.

Nobody actually knows that though OP. There’s not a secret instruction manual you aren’t getting.

The parents do though, as kid says she gets x,y,z every day. If that’s what she gets, why would
You not set (or WANT to set) everyone up with success for the 4 days she was here?

sigh. I guess you’re totally uninterested in listening. PS having the kid exposed to other households and have to ask for what she wants is GOOD for her. you also don’t have to give any child exactly what they ask for. the snack isn’t medicine.

I Am interested in listening. But help me set her up for success. A different environment may be enough. I can offer something else, but if she only ever eats x brand of y, let me make sure I do have that so the whole experience is good in the end. To me, there is no bonus in sending an overwhelmed kid who is hangry home for the “experience”. I’m all for letting her ask, but I I dot have what it sounds like she needs, where is the benefit in that exercise?

OP just stop hosting the kid. It sounds like you resent it and you’re getting toxic about it.

How am I being toxic?

I want information so I can set her up for success.

I guess this is my question, but I can see that there’s an issue even with that.

It’s been answered OP. If you feel like you need to see the kid’s IEP before you host, just stop hosting. Nobody is trying to pull a fast one on you.

Seriously? How is asking to know what the kid needs in my house asking for an IEP?

This is what makes me sad. I can make accommodations if I know what they are. I don’t walk around each day with a crystal ball, nor do I know what your kid needs to make them happy and healthy and calm. How is that so intrusive if you’re trusting me with them for hours? I don’t need their diagnosis. I need to know they only eat blueberries and watermelon gushers or whatever it is that they need after school to make them happy. I don’t want their 3 hours here to be stressful, and I don’t want to hand off a hangry and irritated kid to you. I also want my kid to come home into her environment and not be walking on eggshells because I am doing your family a favor.

I also don’t want your kid to
Merely survive. I want them to have a good time at my house, with the snacks they prefer, while
Experiencing a different environment and timetable than their usual. I suspect that that may be enough some times.

I would love for our kids to be friends Op!

Me too, PP. some of the most wonderful people in my life don’t have “normal” stories. I have a dear friend who is autistic, one who is Deaf, and who had Polio, one who has CP.. and we are all a wonderful mix of kinks and quirks and delicious differences. I just feel
Like there is some kid of barrier these days and I’m really trying to encourage kindness and openness, but I can’t help as much as I could when I’m being treated as a barrier, even though I’m helping with childcare and the like.

?? Our kids are not props to make you feel like you have a “wonderful mix” of kids in your life. Wtf.

Okay thanks. I’ll stop busting my ass trying to help
And be inclusive. At least I know it’s not appreciated to I can go on about my life as usual, with you calling me a jerk either way.

Honestly I don’t need the likes of you helping, because invariably your self-regard flips from “Oh look at me, so inclusive” to “MY child shouldn’t have to share resources with THOSE kids. Sometimes mainstreaming just doesn’t work, ykwim?”

Okay. I get it. But I’m not that person. I’m sorry this is so hard for you and your child.

You ARE that person. You seem to seriously have not one single shred of understanding how you are coming off here.

[Anonymous]

Ugh. How many times in this “journey” have I encountered people like OP - the more they intensely claim to want to include, the more they actually judge. It’s like the people who are operating with the value of “inclusion, we are so KIND!” are the ones who are actually the most upset and fragile when it turns out that professing your kindness doesn’t actually help our kids. Our families’ true supporters are actually the ones that don’t really profess to care one way or another but are just along for the ride.

[Anonymous]

Being kind, inclusive, etc is nice but you posting online about this child is the opposite of it. You reach out to the parents and say, I noticed larlo has some food preference. Can you please send me a list of goods and brands he’ll eat as I don’t want him going hungry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Being kind, inclusive, etc is nice but you posting online about this child is the opposite of it. You reach out to the parents and say, I noticed larlo has some food preference. Can you please send me a list of goods and brands he’ll eat as I don’t want him going hungry.

I have asked but they are not answering, like many of the parents on here. I don’t get why it’s so hard to say “my kid will *only* eat plain Lays chips and blueberries”to the person you are trusting your kid with for hours, and if it’s the truth it would be so helpful to know so I have specifically Lays (not store brand) and blueberries. But, I can see on here the kind of hostility these kind of questions elicit, so I’ll think about letting it drop and stop doing childcare as it’s stressful for the kid and mine.

I have asked a question in genuine curiosity here about why parents are so hostile about sharing their kids needs, not diagnosis, not private information, but their needs so someone can help take some of the burden of care that they have been ASKED to help with, have been met with hostility. Clearly it’s not for me to understand. I know SN parents, and people with SNs have a lot to do to navigate the world, but it helps when the people who are genuinely looking to help can be provided the tools to actually help.

I’m sorry this thread turned so nasty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Being kind, inclusive, etc is nice but you posting online about this child is the opposite of it. You reach out to the parents and say, I noticed larlo has some food preference. Can you please send me a list of goods and brands he’ll eat as I don’t want him going hungry.

I have asked but they are not answering, like many of the parents on here. I don’t get why it’s so hard to say “my kid will *only* eat plain Lays chips and blueberries”to the person you are trusting your kid with for hours, and if it’s the truth it would be so helpful to know so I have specifically Lays (not store brand) and blueberries. But, I can see on here the kind of hostility these kind of questions elicit, so I’ll think about letting it drop and stop doing childcare as it’s stressful for the kid and mine.

I have asked a question in genuine curiosity here about why parents are so hostile about sharing their kids needs, not diagnosis, not private information, but their needs so someone can help take some of the burden of care that they have been ASKED to help with, have been met with hostility. Clearly it’s not for me to understand. I know SN parents, and people with SNs have a lot to do to navigate the world, but it helps when the people who are genuinely looking to help can be provided the tools to actually help.

I’m sorry this thread turned so nasty.

OP do you honestly think these parents are withholding information from you? What you actually want seems to be to talk more with them about their DD’s issues but that’s really none of your business. Take it at face value that she’s being more picky at your house for whatever reason. You aren’t actually looking to help - you’re looking for credit because this ended up being harder than you thought. I agree you should not volunteer for any more childcare for her.

[Anonymous]

"why aren't you communicating your child's needs to us?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP it sounds like your concern relates to one family so why are you making it about all SN families?

I’m not making it about “all” families. We have families in our life that do disclose. I am trying to understand why parents may not, when it would only help the situation. We are always flexible and kind with this kid, and I feel a very flexible and kind home. I am asking ALL parents because I would like different insights. Everyone has a different story. Is that so wrong?

Parents do not disclose because we don't know how people may react. Some react very very poorly or would refuse to have their kid be friends with ours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, I’m a SN mom and I can’t believe the responses you’re getting here. OP, thank you for being kind and supporting this friendship and this young child.

Some reasons they might not have told you:

In kids this age, diagnoses are often in flux. Different providers disagree. Parents are trying to tease out what seems right. There are a million theories and protocols and it’s overwhelming.

A lot of parents will be cruel, will decide the end the friendship, will judge, will talk behind our backs.

It’s an emotionally fraught journey to accept that one’s child has SN and even a simple playdate requires so much planning and strategy. It’s sad, exhausting, and challenges a lifetime of assumptions.

Thank you for giving this child and her family so much grace. Now you know what the “hacks” were for this time. Now, keep in mind that kids change so fast and that’s equally true for SN kids. Those same things might not work next time. But I would gently ask before you host again. Something like this: “I realized last time that Anna really wanted to eat X. Should I plan for that again? What else can I do to make sure she has a good time?”

Thank you, PP. I really like how you expressed this and will
Use this specific wording. When I asked last time she was here, it seemed to be met with “well, she’s not normally so picky”, when child told me herself that she only eats x. I know that the parents are likely trying to be gracious, but it actually causes more issues only because I can’t help effectively. Like I said, I’ll go get the right brand of snack and whatever so kid can come here worry free and just have fun. But I can’t know what I don’t know.

why don't you just ask the child herself?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, I’m a SN mom and I can’t believe the responses you’re getting here. OP, thank you for being kind and supporting this friendship and this young child.

Some reasons they might not have told you:

In kids this age, diagnoses are often in flux. Different providers disagree. Parents are trying to tease out what seems right. There are a million theories and protocols and it’s overwhelming.

A lot of parents will be cruel, will decide the end the friendship, will judge, will talk behind our backs.

It’s an emotionally fraught journey to accept that one’s child has SN and even a simple playdate requires so much planning and strategy. It’s sad, exhausting, and challenges a lifetime of assumptions.

Thank you for giving this child and her family so much grace. Now you know what the “hacks” were for this time. Now, keep in mind that kids change so fast and that’s equally true for SN kids. Those same things might not work next time. But I would gently ask before you host again. Something like this: “I realized last time that Anna really wanted to eat X. Should I plan for that again? What else can I do to make sure she has a good time?”

Thank you, PP. I really like how you expressed this and will
Use this specific wording. When I asked last time she was here, it seemed to be met with “well, she’s not normally so picky”, when child told me herself that she only eats x. I know that the parents are likely trying to be gracious, but it actually causes more issues only because I can’t help effectively. Like I said, I’ll go get the right brand of snack and whatever so kid can come here worry free and just have fun. But I can’t know what I don’t know.

why don't you just ask the child herself?

As I have already said, I did, but it was too late. She says she always ONLY eats certain snacks, including specific brand brand. I knew about which snack as it had been talked about in front of us before, but not the brand. She freaked out over the brand and was rude to my kid for offering it. I was not in a position at that point to go out and get specified snack.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, I’m a SN mom and I can’t believe the responses you’re getting here. OP, thank you for being kind and supporting this friendship and this young child.

Some reasons they might not have told you:

In kids this age, diagnoses are often in flux. Different providers disagree. Parents are trying to tease out what seems right. There are a million theories and protocols and it’s overwhelming.

A lot of parents will be cruel, will decide the end the friendship, will judge, will talk behind our backs.

It’s an emotionally fraught journey to accept that one’s child has SN and even a simple playdate requires so much planning and strategy. It’s sad, exhausting, and challenges a lifetime of assumptions.

Thank you for giving this child and her family so much grace. Now you know what the “hacks” were for this time. Now, keep in mind that kids change so fast and that’s equally true for SN kids. Those same things might not work next time. But I would gently ask before you host again. Something like this: “I realized last time that Anna really wanted to eat X. Should I plan for that again? What else can I do to make sure she has a good time?”

Thank you, PP. I really like how you expressed this and will
Use this specific wording. When I asked last time she was here, it seemed to be met with “well, she’s not normally so picky”, when child told me herself that she only eats x. I know that the parents are likely trying to be gracious, but it actually causes more issues only because I can’t help effectively. Like I said, I’ll go get the right brand of snack and whatever so kid can come here worry free and just have fun. But I can’t know what I don’t know.

why don't you just ask the child herself?

As I have already said, I did, but it was too late. She says she always ONLY eats certain snacks, including specific brand brand. I knew about which snack as it had been talked about in front of us before, but not the brand. She freaked out over the brand and was rude to my kid for offering it. I was not in a position at that point to go out and get specified snack.

Just ask her to bring her own food. Simple.

[Anonymous]

I always disclose the diagnosis plus tips and tricks to make things go smoothly for everyone plus I pack food and snacks just in case

[Anonymous]

Well it sounds like you now know what snacks she likes, get them for next time, move on with life. Seriously stop posting.

[Anonymous]

OP - what you experiencing those afternoons when you were providing care is what life is like for us all the time. And it’s a moving target. Things are often hard for our kid and we don’t know why and can’t always anticipate how it will go. We could tell you she needs Lays and she could decide that morning that she’ll never eat them again. We could tell you she won’t eat fruit and you could offer kiwi and she might gobble it all up and blame us when we arrive for never having served it before. Our kid is difficult. We are making all of this up (parenting) as we go along. That’s what caring for our child involves. There’s no magic set of accommodations that will make her NOT difficult. She will likely always be at least somewhat difficult. Sometimes you or she will stumble into things that will work. Sometimes you will do things that always worked before and they will no longer work. We don’t necessarily know much more than you did in that moment. Some families have yet to figure out that this cluster of difficult behaviors has a diagnosis.

[Anonymous]

I just don’t understand why you’re taking the child’s word as gospel but believe the parents are up to something nefarious.