SN parents, why don’t you disclose or share?

[Anonymous]

OP what you are seeing is that this child has a lot of rigidity and becomes dysregulated easily. Child is probably similar at home with their parents.

It's clear you want more guidance, so ask the parent. Explain what happened and ask how they deal with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP it sounds like your concern relates to one family so why are you making it about all SN families?

I’m not making it about “all” families. We have families in our life that do disclose. I am trying to understand why parents may not, when it would only help the situation. We are always flexible and kind with this kid, and I feel a very flexible and kind home. I am asking ALL parents because I would like different insights. Everyone has a different story. Is that so wrong?

And I am NOT saying I need particulars like dx - I just would like to know that she needs x,y,z. Or sometimes x,y,z happens. We have seen this kid in full meltdown when her bike “doesn’t go the right way” and I get it. Just tell
Me she needs x brand of chips in x flavor so I can make the evening easier on her and on my kid.

Nobody actually knows that though OP. There’s not a secret instruction manual you aren’t getting.

The parents do though, as kid says she gets x,y,z every day. If that’s what she gets, why would
You not set (or WANT to set) everyone up with success for the 4 days she was here?

sigh. I guess you’re totally uninterested in listening. PS having the kid exposed to other households and have to ask for what she wants is GOOD for her. you also don’t have to give any child exactly what they ask for. the snack isn’t medicine.

I Am interested in listening. But help me set her up for success. A different environment may be enough. I can offer something else, but if she only ever eats x brand of y, let me make sure I do have that so the whole experience is good in the end. To me, there is no bonus in sending an overwhelmed kid who is hangry home for the “experience”. I’m all for letting her ask, but I I dot have what it sounds like she needs, where is the benefit in that exercise?

OP just stop hosting the kid. It sounds like you resent it and you’re getting toxic about it.

How am I being toxic?

I want information so I can set her up for success.

I guess this is my question, but I can see that there’s an issue even with that.

It’s been answered OP. If you feel like you need to see the kid’s IEP before you host, just stop hosting. Nobody is trying to pull a fast one on you.

Seriously? How is asking to know what the kid needs in my house asking for an IEP?

This is what makes me sad. I can make accommodations if I know what they are. I don’t walk around each day with a crystal ball, nor do I know what your kid needs to make them happy and healthy and calm. How is that so intrusive if you’re trusting me with them for hours? I don’t need their diagnosis. I need to know they only eat blueberries and watermelon gushers or whatever it is that they need after school to make them happy. I don’t want their 3 hours here to be stressful, and I don’t want to hand off a hangry and irritated kid to you. I also want my kid to come home into her environment and not be walking on eggshells because I am doing your family a favor.

I also don’t want your kid to
Merely survive. I want them to have a good time at my house, with the snacks they prefer, while
Experiencing a different environment and timetable than their usual. I suspect that that may be enough some times.

I would love for our kids to be friends Op!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP it sounds like your concern relates to one family so why are you making it about all SN families?

I’m not making it about “all” families. We have families in our life that do disclose. I am trying to understand why parents may not, when it would only help the situation. We are always flexible and kind with this kid, and I feel a very flexible and kind home. I am asking ALL parents because I would like different insights. Everyone has a different story. Is that so wrong?

And I am NOT saying I need particulars like dx - I just would like to know that she needs x,y,z. Or sometimes x,y,z happens. We have seen this kid in full meltdown when her bike “doesn’t go the right way” and I get it. Just tell
Me she needs x brand of chips in x flavor so I can make the evening easier on her and on my kid.

Nobody actually knows that though OP. There’s not a secret instruction manual you aren’t getting.

The parents do though, as kid says she gets x,y,z every day. If that’s what she gets, why would
You not set (or WANT to set) everyone up with success for the 4 days she was here?

sigh. I guess you’re totally uninterested in listening. PS having the kid exposed to other households and have to ask for what she wants is GOOD for her. you also don’t have to give any child exactly what they ask for. the snack isn’t medicine.

+1. Part of what makes playdates good for all kids, either SN or NT, is the chance to experience things that are different from home, a look at how other families operate. The child didn't get her preferred snack at your house, she survived, everything is fine.
I don't think for most SN it's encouraged to cater to all of a child's quirks, gently challenging them is sometimes preferable.

She survived, but it was a very difficult 3 hours for her, me, and my child as she was uncomfortable and hungry. This wasn’t something I was being paid for, and actually lost work time for. My child lost out on her regular playtime with other friends.

Why leave it to someone else *without them knowing* that you were challenging your kid?

Again, happy to help but disclosure in how to make it better would
Have made it so much easier on everyone .

Sorry and that was 3 hours, several times this week. So let’s say 12 hours.

OP are you really here on the SN board to complain about how some SN parents aren’t doing it right? Just stop. If this girl’s needs are too much for you to handle then don’t host her again. If you actually think there is additional information that could help now then talk to the parents and ask. But you seem to be under the mistaken impression that SN hold some kind of secrets to “make” our kids behave normally outside of the house. We do not. WYSIWG mostly. It seems like you are actually resentful of something else here.

Where did I say they’re not doing it right?. I’m seeing to understand why information that helps their child is withheld and asking why some can gain more understanding.

And sorry, what I see is not what I get, when I find out that kids usual is x and I wasn’t told that. This would be moot if I hadn’t experienced this with both these parents and other parents before.

I care about the kids, and the relationships out family has with them, which is why I am seeking to understand why these “quirks” are such secrets? The kids that these seem to be truly “quirks”, parents share. Where they are more or less needs, there’s some kind of secret clearance .

I want to HELP. But I can’t help with want I don’t know. I can’t ask, so I’m wondering how to approach from here form a space of kindness and willingness, and even here, I’m met with hate. When that? I did 15 hours of unpaid childcare last week without the tools that would have helped us all. I’m not resentful, or toxic. I did it without question and without harm. But I’m asking to understand.

omG OP. Can you say “main character syndrome”? seriously go away.

[Anonymous]

OP they werw asking you to provide emergency childcare, not to be the child’s therapist. If you think you need to inform/discuss any behavioral issues with them, then ASK them. If you’re just mad that the playdate didn’t go perfectly and you want someone to blame, keep on your current path.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP it sounds like your concern relates to one family so why are you making it about all SN families?

I’m not making it about “all” families. We have families in our life that do disclose. I am trying to understand why parents may not, when it would only help the situation. We are always flexible and kind with this kid, and I feel a very flexible and kind home. I am asking ALL parents because I would like different insights. Everyone has a different story. Is that so wrong?

And I am NOT saying I need particulars like dx - I just would like to know that she needs x,y,z. Or sometimes x,y,z happens. We have seen this kid in full meltdown when her bike “doesn’t go the right way” and I get it. Just tell
Me she needs x brand of chips in x flavor so I can make the evening easier on her and on my kid.

Nobody actually knows that though OP. There’s not a secret instruction manual you aren’t getting.

The parents do though, as kid says she gets x,y,z every day. If that’s what she gets, why would
You not set (or WANT to set) everyone up with success for the 4 days she was here?

sigh. I guess you’re totally uninterested in listening. PS having the kid exposed to other households and have to ask for what she wants is GOOD for her. you also don’t have to give any child exactly what they ask for. the snack isn’t medicine.

I Am interested in listening. But help me set her up for success. A different environment may be enough. I can offer something else, but if she only ever eats x brand of y, let me make sure I do have that so the whole experience is good in the end. To me, there is no bonus in sending an overwhelmed kid who is hangry home for the “experience”. I’m all for letting her ask, but I I dot have what it sounds like she needs, where is the benefit in that exercise?

OP just stop hosting the kid. It sounds like you resent it and you’re getting toxic about it.

How am I being toxic?

I want information so I can set her up for success.

I guess this is my question, but I can see that there’s an issue even with that.

It’s been answered OP. If you feel like you need to see the kid’s IEP before you host, just stop hosting. Nobody is trying to pull a fast one on you.

Seriously? How is asking to know what the kid needs in my house asking for an IEP?

This is what makes me sad. I can make accommodations if I know what they are. I don’t walk around each day with a crystal ball, nor do I know what your kid needs to make them happy and healthy and calm. How is that so intrusive if you’re trusting me with them for hours? I don’t need their diagnosis. I need to know they only eat blueberries and watermelon gushers or whatever it is that they need after school to make them happy. I don’t want their 3 hours here to be stressful, and I don’t want to hand off a hangry and irritated kid to you. I also want my kid to come home into her environment and not be walking on eggshells because I am doing your family a favor.

I also don’t want your kid to
Merely survive. I want them to have a good time at my house, with the snacks they prefer, while
Experiencing a different environment and timetable than their usual. I suspect that that may be enough some times.

I would love for our kids to be friends Op!

Me too, PP. some of the most wonderful people in my life don’t have “normal” stories. I have a dear friend who is autistic, one who is Deaf, and who had Polio, one who has CP.. and we are all a wonderful mix of kinks and quirks and delicious differences. I just feel
Like there is some kid of barrier these days and I’m really trying to encourage kindness and openness, but I can’t help as much as I could when I’m being treated as a barrier, even though I’m helping with childcare and the like.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP it sounds like your concern relates to one family so why are you making it about all SN families?

I’m not making it about “all” families. We have families in our life that do disclose. I am trying to understand why parents may not, when it would only help the situation. We are always flexible and kind with this kid, and I feel a very flexible and kind home. I am asking ALL parents because I would like different insights. Everyone has a different story. Is that so wrong?

And I am NOT saying I need particulars like dx - I just would like to know that she needs x,y,z. Or sometimes x,y,z happens. We have seen this kid in full meltdown when her bike “doesn’t go the right way” and I get it. Just tell
Me she needs x brand of chips in x flavor so I can make the evening easier on her and on my kid.

Nobody actually knows that though OP. There’s not a secret instruction manual you aren’t getting.

The parents do though, as kid says she gets x,y,z every day. If that’s what she gets, why would
You not set (or WANT to set) everyone up with success for the 4 days she was here?

sigh. I guess you’re totally uninterested in listening. PS having the kid exposed to other households and have to ask for what she wants is GOOD for her. you also don’t have to give any child exactly what they ask for. the snack isn’t medicine.

I Am interested in listening. But help me set her up for success. A different environment may be enough. I can offer something else, but if she only ever eats x brand of y, let me make sure I do have that so the whole experience is good in the end. To me, there is no bonus in sending an overwhelmed kid who is hangry home for the “experience”. I’m all for letting her ask, but I I dot have what it sounds like she needs, where is the benefit in that exercise?

OP just stop hosting the kid. It sounds like you resent it and you’re getting toxic about it.

How am I being toxic?

I want information so I can set her up for success.

I guess this is my question, but I can see that there’s an issue even with that.

It’s been answered OP. If you feel like you need to see the kid’s IEP before you host, just stop hosting. Nobody is trying to pull a fast one on you.

Seriously? How is asking to know what the kid needs in my house asking for an IEP?

This is what makes me sad. I can make accommodations if I know what they are. I don’t walk around each day with a crystal ball, nor do I know what your kid needs to make them happy and healthy and calm. How is that so intrusive if you’re trusting me with them for hours? I don’t need their diagnosis. I need to know they only eat blueberries and watermelon gushers or whatever it is that they need after school to make them happy. I don’t want their 3 hours here to be stressful, and I don’t want to hand off a hangry and irritated kid to you. I also want my kid to come home into her environment and not be walking on eggshells because I am doing your family a favor.

I also don’t want your kid to
Merely survive. I want them to have a good time at my house, with the snacks they prefer, while
Experiencing a different environment and timetable than their usual. I suspect that that may be enough some times.

I would love for our kids to be friends Op!

Me too, PP. some of the most wonderful people in my life don’t have “normal” stories. I have a dear friend who is autistic, one who is Deaf, and who had Polio, one who has CP.. and we are all a wonderful mix of kinks and quirks and delicious differences. I just feel
Like there is some kid of barrier these days and I’m really trying to encourage kindness and openness, but I can’t help as much as I could when I’m being treated as a barrier, even though I’m helping with childcare and the like.

?? Our kids are not props to make you feel like you have a “wonderful mix” of kids in your life. Wtf.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP it sounds like your concern relates to one family so why are you making it about all SN families?

I’m not making it about “all” families. We have families in our life that do disclose. I am trying to understand why parents may not, when it would only help the situation. We are always flexible and kind with this kid, and I feel a very flexible and kind home. I am asking ALL parents because I would like different insights. Everyone has a different story. Is that so wrong?

And I am NOT saying I need particulars like dx - I just would like to know that she needs x,y,z. Or sometimes x,y,z happens. We have seen this kid in full meltdown when her bike “doesn’t go the right way” and I get it. Just tell
Me she needs x brand of chips in x flavor so I can make the evening easier on her and on my kid.

Nobody actually knows that though OP. There’s not a secret instruction manual you aren’t getting.

The parents do though, as kid says she gets x,y,z every day. If that’s what she gets, why would
You not set (or WANT to set) everyone up with success for the 4 days she was here?

sigh. I guess you’re totally uninterested in listening. PS having the kid exposed to other households and have to ask for what she wants is GOOD for her. you also don’t have to give any child exactly what they ask for. the snack isn’t medicine.

I Am interested in listening. But help me set her up for success. A different environment may be enough. I can offer something else, but if she only ever eats x brand of y, let me make sure I do have that so the whole experience is good in the end. To me, there is no bonus in sending an overwhelmed kid who is hangry home for the “experience”. I’m all for letting her ask, but I I dot have what it sounds like she needs, where is the benefit in that exercise?

OP just stop hosting the kid. It sounds like you resent it and you’re getting toxic about it.

How am I being toxic?

I want information so I can set her up for success.

I guess this is my question, but I can see that there’s an issue even with that.

It’s been answered OP. If you feel like you need to see the kid’s IEP before you host, just stop hosting. Nobody is trying to pull a fast one on you.

Seriously? How is asking to know what the kid needs in my house asking for an IEP?

This is what makes me sad. I can make accommodations if I know what they are. I don’t walk around each day with a crystal ball, nor do I know what your kid needs to make them happy and healthy and calm. How is that so intrusive if you’re trusting me with them for hours? I don’t need their diagnosis. I need to know they only eat blueberries and watermelon gushers or whatever it is that they need after school to make them happy. I don’t want their 3 hours here to be stressful, and I don’t want to hand off a hangry and irritated kid to you. I also want my kid to come home into her environment and not be walking on eggshells because I am doing your family a favor.

I also don’t want your kid to
Merely survive. I want them to have a good time at my house, with the snacks they prefer, while
Experiencing a different environment and timetable than their usual. I suspect that that may be enough some times.

I would love for our kids to be friends Op!

Me too, PP. some of the most wonderful people in my life don’t have “normal” stories. I have a dear friend who is autistic, one who is Deaf, and who had Polio, one who has CP.. and we are all a wonderful mix of kinks and quirks and delicious differences. I just feel
Like there is some kid of barrier these days and I’m really trying to encourage kindness and openness, but I can’t help as much as I could when I’m being treated as a barrier, even though I’m helping with childcare and the like.

?? Our kids are not props to make you feel like you have a “wonderful mix” of kids in your life. Wtf.

Okay thanks. I’ll stop busting my ass trying to help
And be inclusive. At least I know it’s not appreciated to I can go on about my life as usual, with you calling me a jerk either way.

[Anonymous]

Wow, I’m a SN mom and I can’t believe the responses you’re getting here. OP, thank you for being kind and supporting this friendship and this young child.

Some reasons they might not have told you:

In kids this age, diagnoses are often in flux. Different providers disagree. Parents are trying to tease out what seems right. There are a million theories and protocols and it’s overwhelming.

A lot of parents will be cruel, will decide the end the friendship, will judge, will talk behind our backs.

It’s an emotionally fraught journey to accept that one’s child has SN and even a simple playdate requires so much planning and strategy. It’s sad, exhausting, and challenges a lifetime of assumptions.

Thank you for giving this child and her family so much grace. Now you know what the “hacks” were for this time. Now, keep in mind that kids change so fast and that’s equally true for SN kids. Those same things might not work next time. But I would gently ask before you host again. Something like this: “I realized last time that Anna really wanted to eat X. Should I plan for that again? What else can I do to make sure she has a good time?”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP it sounds like your concern relates to one family so why are you making it about all SN families?

I’m not making it about “all” families. We have families in our life that do disclose. I am trying to understand why parents may not, when it would only help the situation. We are always flexible and kind with this kid, and I feel a very flexible and kind home. I am asking ALL parents because I would like different insights. Everyone has a different story. Is that so wrong?

And I am NOT saying I need particulars like dx - I just would like to know that she needs x,y,z. Or sometimes x,y,z happens. We have seen this kid in full meltdown when her bike “doesn’t go the right way” and I get it. Just tell
Me she needs x brand of chips in x flavor so I can make the evening easier on her and on my kid.

Nobody actually knows that though OP. There’s not a secret instruction manual you aren’t getting.

The parents do though, as kid says she gets x,y,z every day. If that’s what she gets, why would
You not set (or WANT to set) everyone up with success for the 4 days she was here?

sigh. I guess you’re totally uninterested in listening. PS having the kid exposed to other households and have to ask for what she wants is GOOD for her. you also don’t have to give any child exactly what they ask for. the snack isn’t medicine.

I Am interested in listening. But help me set her up for success. A different environment may be enough. I can offer something else, but if she only ever eats x brand of y, let me make sure I do have that so the whole experience is good in the end. To me, there is no bonus in sending an overwhelmed kid who is hangry home for the “experience”. I’m all for letting her ask, but I I dot have what it sounds like she needs, where is the benefit in that exercise?

OP just stop hosting the kid. It sounds like you resent it and you’re getting toxic about it.

How am I being toxic?

I want information so I can set her up for success.

I guess this is my question, but I can see that there’s an issue even with that.

It’s been answered OP. If you feel like you need to see the kid’s IEP before you host, just stop hosting. Nobody is trying to pull a fast one on you.

Seriously? How is asking to know what the kid needs in my house asking for an IEP?

This is what makes me sad. I can make accommodations if I know what they are. I don’t walk around each day with a crystal ball, nor do I know what your kid needs to make them happy and healthy and calm. How is that so intrusive if you’re trusting me with them for hours? I don’t need their diagnosis. I need to know they only eat blueberries and watermelon gushers or whatever it is that they need after school to make them happy. I don’t want their 3 hours here to be stressful, and I don’t want to hand off a hangry and irritated kid to you. I also want my kid to come home into her environment and not be walking on eggshells because I am doing your family a favor.

I also don’t want your kid to
Merely survive. I want them to have a good time at my house, with the snacks they prefer, while
Experiencing a different environment and timetable than their usual. I suspect that that may be enough some times.

I would love for our kids to be friends Op!

Me too, PP. some of the most wonderful people in my life don’t have “normal” stories. I have a dear friend who is autistic, one who is Deaf, and who had Polio, one who has CP.. and we are all a wonderful mix of kinks and quirks and delicious differences. I just feel
Like there is some kid of barrier these days and I’m really trying to encourage kindness and openness, but I can’t help as much as I could when I’m being treated as a barrier, even though I’m helping with childcare and the like.

?? Our kids are not props to make you feel like you have a “wonderful mix” of kids in your life. Wtf.

Okay thanks. I’ll stop busting my ass trying to help
And be inclusive. At least I know it’s not appreciated to I can go on about my life as usual, with you calling me a jerk either way.

Also, your child is not a prop to
Me, or I wouldn’t offer 20 hours of free child care when you were stuck. Your child is important, which is why I don’t understand why you don’t want to share the e information about what makes them happy. I’m sorry you feel
Life is unfair, but you don’t draw the only negative card (as you see it). Not everyone is the enemy. You’d see that if you’d just look around you and let people who want to help, help.

And the wonderful
Mix in my life is luck and choice - both for those wonderful friends and for me. They’re not below me and also choose me as a friend every day. I know that and I know how lucky I am to be able to have so many people who are so different who choose me to play whatever role I do. So stop it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, I’m a SN mom and I can’t believe the responses you’re getting here. OP, thank you for being kind and supporting this friendship and this young child.

Some reasons they might not have told you:

In kids this age, diagnoses are often in flux. Different providers disagree. Parents are trying to tease out what seems right. There are a million theories and protocols and it’s overwhelming.

A lot of parents will be cruel, will decide the end the friendship, will judge, will talk behind our backs.

It’s an emotionally fraught journey to accept that one’s child has SN and even a simple playdate requires so much planning and strategy. It’s sad, exhausting, and challenges a lifetime of assumptions.

Thank you for giving this child and her family so much grace. Now you know what the “hacks” were for this time. Now, keep in mind that kids change so fast and that’s equally true for SN kids. Those same things might not work next time. But I would gently ask before you host again. Something like this: “I realized last time that Anna really wanted to eat X. Should I plan for that again? What else can I do to make sure she has a good time?”

Thank you, PP. I really like how you expressed this and will
Use this specific wording. When I asked last time she was here, it seemed to be met with “well, she’s not normally so picky”, when child told me herself that she only eats x. I know that the parents are likely trying to be gracious, but it actually causes more issues only because I can’t help effectively. Like I said, I’ll go get the right brand of snack and whatever so kid can come here worry free and just have fun. But I can’t know what I don’t know.

[Anonymous]

You can learn ways to accommodate her needs without even talking to her parents but speaking with her directly to find out what she likes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can learn ways to accommodate her needs without even talking to her parents but speaking with her directly to find out what she likes.

Which I am doing. But I can’t speak with her ahead of time, like I am when the parents are arranging childcare. By the time she’s here, it’s too late.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP it sounds like your concern relates to one family so why are you making it about all SN families?

I’m not making it about “all” families. We have families in our life that do disclose. I am trying to understand why parents may not, when it would only help the situation. We are always flexible and kind with this kid, and I feel a very flexible and kind home. I am asking ALL parents because I would like different insights. Everyone has a different story. Is that so wrong?

And I am NOT saying I need particulars like dx - I just would like to know that she needs x,y,z. Or sometimes x,y,z happens. We have seen this kid in full meltdown when her bike “doesn’t go the right way” and I get it. Just tell
Me she needs x brand of chips in x flavor so I can make the evening easier on her and on my kid.

Nobody actually knows that though OP. There’s not a secret instruction manual you aren’t getting.

The parents do though, as kid says she gets x,y,z every day. If that’s what she gets, why would
You not set (or WANT to set) everyone up with success for the 4 days she was here?

sigh. I guess you’re totally uninterested in listening. PS having the kid exposed to other households and have to ask for what she wants is GOOD for her. you also don’t have to give any child exactly what they ask for. the snack isn’t medicine.

I Am interested in listening. But help me set her up for success. A different environment may be enough. I can offer something else, but if she only ever eats x brand of y, let me make sure I do have that so the whole experience is good in the end. To me, there is no bonus in sending an overwhelmed kid who is hangry home for the “experience”. I’m all for letting her ask, but I I dot have what it sounds like she needs, where is the benefit in that exercise?

OP just stop hosting the kid. It sounds like you resent it and you’re getting toxic about it.

How am I being toxic?

I want information so I can set her up for success.

I guess this is my question, but I can see that there’s an issue even with that.

It’s been answered OP. If you feel like you need to see the kid’s IEP before you host, just stop hosting. Nobody is trying to pull a fast one on you.

Seriously? How is asking to know what the kid needs in my house asking for an IEP?

This is what makes me sad. I can make accommodations if I know what they are. I don’t walk around each day with a crystal ball, nor do I know what your kid needs to make them happy and healthy and calm. How is that so intrusive if you’re trusting me with them for hours? I don’t need their diagnosis. I need to know they only eat blueberries and watermelon gushers or whatever it is that they need after school to make them happy. I don’t want their 3 hours here to be stressful, and I don’t want to hand off a hangry and irritated kid to you. I also want my kid to come home into her environment and not be walking on eggshells because I am doing your family a favor.

I also don’t want your kid to
Merely survive. I want them to have a good time at my house, with the snacks they prefer, while
Experiencing a different environment and timetable than their usual. I suspect that that may be enough some times.

I would love for our kids to be friends Op!

Me too, PP. some of the most wonderful people in my life don’t have “normal” stories. I have a dear friend who is autistic, one who is Deaf, and who had Polio, one who has CP.. and we are all a wonderful mix of kinks and quirks and delicious differences. I just feel
Like there is some kid of barrier these days and I’m really trying to encourage kindness and openness, but I can’t help as much as I could when I’m being treated as a barrier, even though I’m helping with childcare and the like.

?? Our kids are not props to make you feel like you have a “wonderful mix” of kids in your life. Wtf.

Okay thanks. I’ll stop busting my ass trying to help
And be inclusive. At least I know it’s not appreciated to I can go on about my life as usual, with you calling me a jerk either way.

Honestly I don’t need the likes of you helping, because invariably your self-regard flips from “Oh look at me, so inclusive” to “MY child shouldn’t have to share resources with THOSE kids. Sometimes mainstreaming just doesn’t work, ykwim?”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP it sounds like your concern relates to one family so why are you making it about all SN families?

I’m not making it about “all” families. We have families in our life that do disclose. I am trying to understand why parents may not, when it would only help the situation. We are always flexible and kind with this kid, and I feel a very flexible and kind home. I am asking ALL parents because I would like different insights. Everyone has a different story. Is that so wrong?

And I am NOT saying I need particulars like dx - I just would like to know that she needs x,y,z. Or sometimes x,y,z happens. We have seen this kid in full meltdown when her bike “doesn’t go the right way” and I get it. Just tell
Me she needs x brand of chips in x flavor so I can make the evening easier on her and on my kid.

Nobody actually knows that though OP. There’s not a secret instruction manual you aren’t getting.

The parents do though, as kid says she gets x,y,z every day. If that’s what she gets, why would
You not set (or WANT to set) everyone up with success for the 4 days she was here?

sigh. I guess you’re totally uninterested in listening. PS having the kid exposed to other households and have to ask for what she wants is GOOD for her. you also don’t have to give any child exactly what they ask for. the snack isn’t medicine.

I Am interested in listening. But help me set her up for success. A different environment may be enough. I can offer something else, but if she only ever eats x brand of y, let me make sure I do have that so the whole experience is good in the end. To me, there is no bonus in sending an overwhelmed kid who is hangry home for the “experience”. I’m all for letting her ask, but I I dot have what it sounds like she needs, where is the benefit in that exercise?

OP just stop hosting the kid. It sounds like you resent it and you’re getting toxic about it.

How am I being toxic?

I want information so I can set her up for success.

I guess this is my question, but I can see that there’s an issue even with that.

It’s been answered OP. If you feel like you need to see the kid’s IEP before you host, just stop hosting. Nobody is trying to pull a fast one on you.

Seriously? How is asking to know what the kid needs in my house asking for an IEP?

This is what makes me sad. I can make accommodations if I know what they are. I don’t walk around each day with a crystal ball, nor do I know what your kid needs to make them happy and healthy and calm. How is that so intrusive if you’re trusting me with them for hours? I don’t need their diagnosis. I need to know they only eat blueberries and watermelon gushers or whatever it is that they need after school to make them happy. I don’t want their 3 hours here to be stressful, and I don’t want to hand off a hangry and irritated kid to you. I also want my kid to come home into her environment and not be walking on eggshells because I am doing your family a favor.

I also don’t want your kid to
Merely survive. I want them to have a good time at my house, with the snacks they prefer, while
Experiencing a different environment and timetable than their usual. I suspect that that may be enough some times.

I would love for our kids to be friends Op!

Me too, PP. some of the most wonderful people in my life don’t have “normal” stories. I have a dear friend who is autistic, one who is Deaf, and who had Polio, one who has CP.. and we are all a wonderful mix of kinks and quirks and delicious differences. I just feel
Like there is some kid of barrier these days and I’m really trying to encourage kindness and openness, but I can’t help as much as I could when I’m being treated as a barrier, even though I’m helping with childcare and the like.

?? Our kids are not props to make you feel like you have a “wonderful mix” of kids in your life. Wtf.

Okay thanks. I’ll stop busting my ass trying to help
And be inclusive. At least I know it’s not appreciated to I can go on about my life as usual, with you calling me a jerk either way.

Honestly I don’t need the likes of you helping, because invariably your self-regard flips from “Oh look at me, so inclusive” to “MY child shouldn’t have to share resources with THOSE kids. Sometimes mainstreaming just doesn’t work, ykwim?”

Okay. I get it. But I’m not that person. I’m sorry this is so hard for you and your child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP it sounds like your concern relates to one family so why are you making it about all SN families?

I’m not making it about “all” families. We have families in our life that do disclose. I am trying to understand why parents may not, when it would only help the situation. We are always flexible and kind with this kid, and I feel a very flexible and kind home. I am asking ALL parents because I would like different insights. Everyone has a different story. Is that so wrong?

And I am NOT saying I need particulars like dx - I just would like to know that she needs x,y,z. Or sometimes x,y,z happens. We have seen this kid in full meltdown when her bike “doesn’t go the right way” and I get it. Just tell
Me she needs x brand of chips in x flavor so I can make the evening easier on her and on my kid.

Nobody actually knows that though OP. There’s not a secret instruction manual you aren’t getting.

The parents do though, as kid says she gets x,y,z every day. If that’s what she gets, why would
You not set (or WANT to set) everyone up with success for the 4 days she was here?

sigh. I guess you’re totally uninterested in listening. PS having the kid exposed to other households and have to ask for what she wants is GOOD for her. you also don’t have to give any child exactly what they ask for. the snack isn’t medicine.

I Am interested in listening. But help me set her up for success. A different environment may be enough. I can offer something else, but if she only ever eats x brand of y, let me make sure I do have that so the whole experience is good in the end. To me, there is no bonus in sending an overwhelmed kid who is hangry home for the “experience”. I’m all for letting her ask, but I I dot have what it sounds like she needs, where is the benefit in that exercise?

OP just stop hosting the kid. It sounds like you resent it and you’re getting toxic about it.

How am I being toxic?

I want information so I can set her up for success.

I guess this is my question, but I can see that there’s an issue even with that.

It’s been answered OP. If you feel like you need to see the kid’s IEP before you host, just stop hosting. Nobody is trying to pull a fast one on you.

Seriously? How is asking to know what the kid needs in my house asking for an IEP?

This is what makes me sad. I can make accommodations if I know what they are. I don’t walk around each day with a crystal ball, nor do I know what your kid needs to make them happy and healthy and calm. How is that so intrusive if you’re trusting me with them for hours? I don’t need their diagnosis. I need to know they only eat blueberries and watermelon gushers or whatever it is that they need after school to make them happy. I don’t want their 3 hours here to be stressful, and I don’t want to hand off a hangry and irritated kid to you. I also want my kid to come home into her environment and not be walking on eggshells because I am doing your family a favor.

I also don’t want your kid to
Merely survive. I want them to have a good time at my house, with the snacks they prefer, while
Experiencing a different environment and timetable than their usual. I suspect that that may be enough some times.

I would love for our kids to be friends Op!

Me too, PP. some of the most wonderful people in my life don’t have “normal” stories. I have a dear friend who is autistic, one who is Deaf, and who had Polio, one who has CP.. and we are all a wonderful mix of kinks and quirks and delicious differences. I just feel
Like there is some kid of barrier these days and I’m really trying to encourage kindness and openness, but I can’t help as much as I could when I’m being treated as a barrier, even though I’m helping with childcare and the like.

?? Our kids are not props to make you feel like you have a “wonderful mix” of kids in your life. Wtf.

Okay thanks. I’ll stop busting my ass trying to help
And be inclusive. At least I know it’s not appreciated to I can go on about my life as usual, with you calling me a jerk either way.

Also, your child is not a prop to
Me, or I wouldn’t offer 20 hours of free child care when you were stuck. Your child is important, which is why I don’t understand why you don’t want to share the e information about what makes them happy. I’m sorry you feel
Life is unfair, but you don’t draw the only negative card (as you see it). Not everyone is the enemy. You’d see that if you’d just look around you and let people who want to help, help.

And the wonderful
Mix in my life is luck and choice - both for those wonderful friends and for me. They’re not below me and also choose me as a friend every day. I know that and I know how lucky I am to be able to have so many people who are so different who choose me to play whatever role I do. So stop it.

lol so I guess you are the better judge of how “important” my kid is? If you truly believed that you would have rolled with the punches, talked to the kid about snacks, discussed directly with the parents. Instead you are here, on the SN board, seeking some weird combo of venting about SN parents (to our faces) and accolades about how “inclusive” you are. Had this been an honest question it would have beem something like this:

“DD has a friend who appears to be on the autism spectrum with some ridigity about snacks and figuring out how to play. How can I best raise this with the parents? How would you as parents like to be approached? Any best practices for play dates?”

Instead your post is literally all about how great you are, what a pain the girl is, and how the parents must be deliberately withholding information from you to which you are definitely entitled.