Brunch at friends house, do you take home what you brought?

[Anonymous]

They brought the food to share. Offer to send mixed servings some with the guests. Hosts doesn't want a ton of food to throw away.

If someone really wanta their own stuff back, who cares? The guests didn't want to eat it at the event, and the chef probably likes whatever they made more than everyone else who didn't want to eat it at the event, so they can bring it home.

Why invent drama?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I ask the host what they prefer.
What I don't understand is when other people (the guests) descend upon leftover food and take it home without invitation from the host. To me, that's super rude!

It seems super rude to me, too. The host has dibs. Then the person who brought it gets to decide to offer it to other guests or take it home.

I don't know... if you are asking people to bring food to your party, you are hosting a potluck. The etiquette for a potluck is that everyone takes their items home. You can't have it both ways.

OP did not ask them to bring food; they offered or asked what they could bring. She had planned to provide all the food. That is not a potluck.

OP did not tell them no. So this is a potluck. “Just bring yourselves” is what you say if you provide all the food.

Many people will bring something anyway since they were taught to never go to someone's house empty-handed. That doesn't make it a potluck.

It does though. If you’re having a brunch and friends show up with a casserole, dozen bagels and cream cheese, box of bagels, and champagne you’re having a pot luck b/c all those foods will be servied.

1) If the rules of potluck etiquette are different (I personally don't think they are but if they are...) then it does matter whether or not it was framed as a potluck

2) If a bunch of people come to something they were invited to that was not a potluck with extra food it is even more rude to then leave with the leftovers as if not framed as a potluck the add ons are just gifts for the host.

If you’re not hosting a potluck then tell everyone to bring nothing you have everything. Otherwise, surprise, you’re hosting a potluck.

No, guests don’t get to change the rules of engagement in a host’s house. And you don’t seem to understand that people often bring dishes against the host’s express request that they bring nothing. They’re actually trying to be polite, having been taught never to arrive at an event empty-handed, but their behavior does not change a hosted brunch into a potluck. And as the host I’d do whatever I wanted with the unasked for dishes—keep if yummy, graciously send back if not so tasty.

You don't need to worry about these hypotheticals. People will tire of you quickly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. This happens at all my hosted brunches or dinners with this group. It’s not a potluck. And this is like 4 groups of friends all taking their items back. Half eaten guacamole, even scooping out of the serving dish. Half bag of chips. Sometimes they ask if you’re not going to eat this I’ll take it back. But I feel like it’s rude for me to say yes please leave it. So I say they can have it back but just the fact that they take it back or ask I feel is rude and don’t know if there is anything I can politely say about it. Oh well. Thank you for making me feel normal lol!

This is nuts. You tell them you don't want it, and your blame them for believing you? If hosting is too much of a burden for you, stop hosting.

[Anonymous]

If you insist on being this prissy about a bit of food, the correct thing to do is to say "oh, you didn't need to bring anything. I've prepared everything!" And then put their dish in he fridge, unopened, and then send it back home with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I ask the host what they prefer.
What I don't understand is when other people (the guests) descend upon leftover food and take it home without invitation from the host. To me, that's super rude!

It seems super rude to me, too. The host has dibs. Then the person who brought it gets to decide to offer it to other guests or take it home.

I don't know... if you are asking people to bring food to your party, you are hosting a potluck. The etiquette for a potluck is that everyone takes their items home. You can't have it both ways.

OP did not ask them to bring food; they offered or asked what they could bring. She had planned to provide all the food. That is not a potluck.

OP did not tell them no. So this is a potluck. “Just bring yourselves” is what you say if you provide all the food.

Many people will bring something anyway since they were taught to never go to someone's house empty-handed. That doesn't make it a potluck.

It does though. If you’re having a brunch and friends show up with a casserole, dozen bagels and cream cheese, box of bagels, and champagne you’re having a pot luck b/c all those foods will be servied.

1) If the rules of potluck etiquette are different (I personally don't think they are but if they are...) then it does matter whether or not it was framed as a potluck

2) If a bunch of people come to something they were invited to that was not a potluck with extra food it is even more rude to then leave with the leftovers as if not framed as a potluck the add ons are just gifts for the host.

If you’re not hosting a potluck then tell everyone to bring nothing you have everything. Otherwise, surprise, you’re hosting a potluck.

No, guests don’t get to change the rules of engagement in a host’s house. And you don’t seem to understand that people often bring dishes against the host’s express request that they bring nothing. They’re actually trying to be polite, having been taught never to arrive at an event empty-handed, but their behavior does not change a hosted brunch into a potluck. And as the host I’d do whatever I wanted with the unasked for dishes—keep if yummy, graciously send back if not so tasty.

You don't need to worry about these hypotheticals. People will tire of you quickly.

As opposed to a little black cloud like you? Sure.

[Anonymous]

You people need to spend a few months in eastern Ukraine to learn what "unbelievably ride" actually is.
Crazy bunch of coastal elites here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You people need to spend a few months in eastern Ukraine to learn what "unbelievably ride" actually is.
Crazy bunch of coastal elites here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I ask the host what they prefer.
What I don't understand is when other people (the guests) descend upon leftover food and take it home without invitation from the host. To me, that's super rude!

I agree with all of this—at the same time, I think the host should always offer for people to take things home. I’ve been at parties where there are a ton of leftovers and the hosts are like, “Well, we’re going to be eating well next week!” Just assuming all the food will be left to them. I think that’s unbelievably rude.

No, that’s not rude. People brought the food to the host’s party. It now belongs to the host. S/he can distribute it, keep it, do whatever s/he wants with it. Guests have relinquished control. The only thing they can claim are the dish3s they brought the food in.

I think it’s nice if the hosts stuck with lots of left overs offer food to families with lots of teens or kids to spread it around. Especially if you know there’s no way they will eat all of it. It’s not about “control” but sharing the bounty.

It is nice, but it’s not rude to make another choice.

Can look greedy for a family of 2 or 3 to keep far more of the food than they can possibly eat. A dish to share isn’t a hostess gift.

So? If you don’t want the host to keep it, make less or don’t bring it. OP said it wasn’t a potluck, you did this unbidden and for no reason. Now it’s hers to do with as she wants.

OP said it wasn’t a potluck but then everyone brought something. Maybe her hosting sucks? Never enough food? Bad cook? Who knows. And now she’s pissy about a half eaten bag of chips and guacamole that’s been sitting out so long its brown. Gross. Let them take the trash home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I ask the host what they prefer.
What I don't understand is when other people (the guests) descend upon leftover food and take it home without invitation from the host. To me, that's super rude!

It seems super rude to me, too. The host has dibs. Then the person who brought it gets to decide to offer it to other guests or take it home.

I don't know... if you are asking people to bring food to your party, you are hosting a potluck. The etiquette for a potluck is that everyone takes their items home. You can't have it both ways.

OP did not ask them to bring food; they offered or asked what they could bring. She had planned to provide all the food. That is not a potluck.

OP did not tell them no. So this is a potluck. “Just bring yourselves” is what you say if you provide all the food.

Many people will bring something anyway since they were taught to never go to someone's house empty-handed. That doesn't make it a potluck.

It does though. If you’re having a brunch and friends show up with a casserole, dozen bagels and cream cheese, box of bagels, and champagne you’re having a pot luck b/c all those foods will be servied.

1) If the rules of potluck etiquette are different (I personally don't think they are but if they are...) then it does matter whether or not it was framed as a potluck

2) If a bunch of people come to something they were invited to that was not a potluck with extra food it is even more rude to then leave with the leftovers as if not framed as a potluck the add ons are just gifts for the host.

If you’re not hosting a potluck then tell everyone to bring nothing you have everything. Otherwise, surprise, you’re hosting a potluck.

No, guests don’t get to change the rules of engagement in a host’s house. And you don’t seem to understand that people often bring dishes against the host’s express request that they bring nothing. They’re actually trying to be polite, having been taught never to arrive at an event empty-handed, but their behavior does not change a hosted brunch into a potluck. And as the host I’d do whatever I wanted with the unasked for dishes—keep if yummy, graciously send back if not so tasty.

So let them take back the dish you never wanted in the first place. “Please, take it with you” can be perceived as nobody really even liked it anyway. Why do you even want it?

Why do YOU want it back? You have to have brought it assuming it might all be eaten. You should never bring more food than you can bear to part with.

I’m not going to OPs sad brunch that her friends have to supplement. OP invites these people again and again. Ask her to dig a little deeper to find the answer.

[Anonymous]

In my circles, it is very common for people to divvie up all dishes equally, and take their share of their dish in the serving container.

Lets assume that there are 6 couples, and every couple brought a dish. At the end of the meal, each couple will divide the leftover for their dish in 6 parts and put it in disposable containers. They will leave their share in the serving dish they had got, and will take back their share of the dish they made in their own serving ware. That way the host does not have to wash the guest's serving dish, or divvy the food etc.

In our circles, every household had restaurant quality doggy bag containers and ziplock bags, just for this purpose.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I ask the host what they prefer.
What I don't understand is when other people (the guests) descend upon leftover food and take it home without invitation from the host. To me, that's super rude!

This! It's a big pet peeve of mine. I have a dear friend who will hover until the very end of any type of event to take home as many leftovers as possible. She doesn't currently have food insecurities but I believe she had them growing up from things she's mentioned in passing. I try not to let it bug me because of this fact, but yeah, it's a peeve of mine.

I make sure to decline most invites from her where I arrive with her or am her +1 and there's food involved. Otherwise, I know that if the event ends at 11 PM, I'm going to be there until 11:30 and hauling a bunch of food back to her place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In my circles, it is very common for people to divvie up all dishes equally, and take their share of their dish in the serving container.

Lets assume that there are 6 couples, and every couple brought a dish. At the end of the meal, each couple will divide the leftover for their dish in 6 parts and put it in disposable containers. They will leave their share in the serving dish they had got, and will take back their share of the dish they made in their own serving ware. That way the host does not have to wash the guest's serving dish, or divvy the food etc.

In our circles, every household had restaurant quality doggy bag containers and ziplock bags, just for this purpose.

Also - the hostess will let the guests know that she wants all the food to be divvied up. If the hostess does not say anything then the food remains with the hostess. No body takes their food or container back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. This happens at all my hosted brunches or dinners with this group. It’s not a potluck. And this is like 4 groups of friends all taking their items back. Half eaten guacamole, even scooping out of the serving dish. Half bag of chips. Sometimes they ask if you’re not going to eat this I’ll take it back. But I feel like it’s rude for me to say yes please leave it. So I say they can have it back but just the fact that they take it back or ask I feel is rude and don’t know if there is anything I can politely say about it. Oh well. Thank you for making me feel normal lol!

This is nuts. You tell them you don't want it, and your blame them for believing you? If hosting is too much of a burden for you, stop hosting.

DP, and this isn't nuts, you are rude. OP doesn't need to stop hosting, you need to stop attending as a guest if this is your attitude.

The guest SHOULD NOT ASK if the host wants to keep it. That is the rudeness. OP, the host, who is polite, says "oh you can take it" only because they were asked. Proper etiquette here is to assume that the host is keeping it, and only if the host brings it up "Oh, we can't possibly keep these leftovers for whatever reason" then the guest may take what they brought. It is not for the guest to bring up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In my circles, it is very common for people to divvie up all dishes equally, and take their share of their dish in the serving container.

Lets assume that there are 6 couples, and every couple brought a dish. At the end of the meal, each couple will divide the leftover for their dish in 6 parts and put it in disposable containers. They will leave their share in the serving dish they had got, and will take back their share of the dish they made in their own serving ware. That way the host does not have to wash the guest's serving dish, or divvy the food etc.

In our circles, every household had restaurant quality doggy bag containers and ziplock bags, just for this purpose.

Also - the hostess will let the guests know that she wants all the food to be divvied up. If the hostess does not say anything then the food remains with the hostess. No body takes their food or container back.

Where are these rules coming from? Did op let the guests know what she wanted to do? Doesn’t sound like she had this rule book and wanted people to read her mind and yet they took the food anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. This happens at all my hosted brunches or dinners with this group. It’s not a potluck. And this is like 4 groups of friends all taking their items back. Half eaten guacamole, even scooping out of the serving dish. Half bag of chips. Sometimes they ask if you’re not going to eat this I’ll take it back. But I feel like it’s rude for me to say yes please leave it. So I say they can have it back but just the fact that they take it back or ask I feel is rude and don’t know if there is anything I can politely say about it. Oh well. Thank you for making me feel normal lol!

Why would you want to keep it? When they offer food, just decline.