People in successful marriages - what did you do right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Low expectations.

Ha!

Yes! The secret of marriage is you have to just stay married

+1. My parents have stayed married even though my mom is/was verbally abusive to my Dad and all of us kids.

Staying together allowed them to accumulate substantial wealth - my mom SAHMd and my Dad made money at BigLaw and in the sale of a company, which he would not have been able to do if he had to take on 50% of parenting. So, I guess you would say they were "successful" and "picked well.". My Mom didn't "pick well". She simply married the guy who asked her, as she acknowledged herself. She is lucky my Dad stayed with her and didn't leave her despite her abuse.

I think in retrospect us kids would have done better in a divorced non-abusive home. Staying together also meant that all the kids were raised in a highly abusive environment that basically crippled us emotionally.

You could've ended up with your abusive mom without dad and money. Bumping from one trailer park to other, getting abused by series of mom's boyfriends.

It’s so unfathomable to some of you how difficult it is to grow up in angry, volatile home that you need to make up a parade of horribles.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Watch how someone reacts when they can’t find their keys and are running late for work.
If they have an adult tantrum about that….NEXT.

Hahaha!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Define successful.

Mostly I have remarkable endurance

Ha! I relate to this. DH and I are both very loyal people, and we have both put up with a lot. Married 36 years, and our children and shared life together are what keep us going. There's a lot I could complain about (which I'm sure is true for him, too), but there's is also plenty to appreciate. So, yeah, endurance/resilience is key.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Low expectations.

Ha!

Yes! The secret of marriage is you have to just stay married

+1. My parents have stayed married even though my mom is/was verbally abusive to my Dad and all of us kids.

Staying together allowed them to accumulate substantial wealth - my mom SAHMd and my Dad made money at BigLaw and in the sale of a company, which he would not have been able to do if he had to take on 50% of parenting. So, I guess you would say they were "successful" and "picked well.". My Mom didn't "pick well". She simply married the guy who asked her, as she acknowledged herself. She is lucky my Dad stayed with her and didn't leave her despite her abuse.

I think in retrospect us kids would have done better in a divorced non-abusive home. Staying together also meant that all the kids were raised in a highly abusive environment that basically crippled us emotionally. None of my siblings formed stable long term partnerships let alone marriages.

I had several long term relationships and ultimately had kids but their Dad, who I thought I had screened carefully, turned out to be a liar - deeply duplicitous in a way I only uncovered by accident (but then had the wisdom to continue to pull the thread of the first lie). Sadly, I consider myself lucky to have found out so quickly and severed ties with him when our kids were very young. They were able to grow up in a relatively healthy way, which would not have happened if we had been married.

So, long story short - I didn't have a successful marriage, but I consider myself a more successful parent as a divorcee than my married parents were.
I've also learned that those who have successful marriages are in large part simply lucky or have decided to stay in unhealthy situations that mean their marriage is intact but the impact to self or kids is terrible.

What makes you think your mom would stop abusing you if she were divorced?

True, I would not have wanted to be raised by my Mom
solo - I wish my Dad had understood enough about verbal abuse to have divorced her and taken custody of us. That would have been the best outcome.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Low expectations.

Ha!

A bit of this, a bit of luck, a bit just being too lazy to divorce when things were tough, and I guess things were not bad enough to actually go through with the divorce. At some point we also just accepted the other the way we are. Ultimately, it was just luck, nothing I or he did.

[Anonymous]

Married 21 years. I don't discount a bit of luck and tenacity in sticking it out. Our wedding vows included a line about choosing the marriage daily, and there have been some days, weeks, months when I have had to mentally go through my internal checklist of why I chose my spouse and reaffirm to myself that those shared values are still present. We have always been aligned on the really big picture stuff. We have not always been aligned on what I'd call the "medium picture" stuff, especially when it comes to some parenting decisions. We were very in sync when the kids were babies up through early elementary. Middle school and high school parenting has been much harder. Some of this is due to the kids and some of this is due to the childhood trauma my spouse is still dealing with from their own childhood.

But thr specifics of these challenges have so far been tied to transient things, and I am optimistic about our empty nest stage of life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Traditional roles. To me, marriages worked back in the day for a reason, there were clear roles. The man was the leader of the home and provided financially. The woman took on my of the parenting role with the children and took care of the home. I made sure to find a man that had a similar outlook on marriage.

A lot of marriages “back in the day” did not work. Women and children were abused and just could not leave because they could not provide for themselves and/or the judicial system would not allow them to leave. My marriage works because it is egalitarian and we contribute financially and inside the home equally.

+1. My MIL was abused financially, and will never recover from it. We’ve had many conversations over the past two decades about this topic and an egalitarian marriage has always been a top priority for us.

[Anonymous]

You need to be emotionally strong and have your act together to find a good partner and be a good partner. Obviously luck helps in form of giving you IQ, EQ, looks, upbringing, instincts, experiences and education be right person, meet right partner, attract them, marry them and do the work to make and keep a marriage successful.

[Anonymous]

Make good choices.

Easy.

[Anonymous]

Will second some of what people have said and add:

Similar emotional EQ
Similar socio economic background
Both of us are product of healthy marriages (good role models, witnessed healthy argument resolution growing up)
Traditional gender roles
Not holding grudges, willingness to apologize and move on.

Married 20 years

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think I did three things right.

1. I found someone compatible with me. My husband is not perfect, he has some significant flaws, but those are the flaws I can deal with or tune out from. He will probably say the same thing about me.

2. I did not do it on purpose, but while dating, we spent lots of time together- just the two of us (long distance dating makes you do that). I was shocked how many marriages fell apart during Covid, but then realized that many couples have never been forced to spend much time holed up together and had no idea how they would function in that closed loop. We did and liked it.

3. Contrary to the popular advice from therapists, I am very direct and don’t do manure sandwiches. I am not waiting for a “better” time to have a conversation or look for gentle way to tell him that e.g. loud chewing is disgusting. I just say hey, cut that out.

Huge red flag here. What you did right is that you married a submissive man.
Even simps like your DH have a breaking point where they stop putting up with your BS.

[Anonymous]

1. prioritize our relationship over the kids
2. don't nag (women)
3. make lots of time for each other (weekly date, etc)

**very** happily married nearly 15 years 5 kids

[Anonymous]

Compatible goals and values, coupled with a degree of mutual flexibility and adaptability as each other evolves over time.

The most significantly helpful shared traits for us are fairly similar attitudes about money and financial security, and a preference for a relatively neat, clean, organized household. The lack of friction in those areas helps us accept those traits in each other which are more dissimilar.

We also can respect each other's choices and preferences even when they are not what the other would choose or prefer. And, we try not to take dogmatic, inflexible positions which effectively send a "my way or the highway" message.

[Anonymous]

1) He showed he would be there in times of crisis (this was only possible due to a tragic event happening while we were dating, but nevertheless, was an excellent sign)

2) We could spent an inordinate amount of time together happily. My husband and I worked together in cube farm when we met and currently we both work together out of the same home office. We probably spend like 20 hours a day together all said and done and the breaks are like, going to the bathroom, running an errand, someone going to bed a little early etc. When I tell this to people they are baffled that we can do that without killing each other. So I think that was a good sign.

3) Neither of us like to fight. This doesn't mean we're pushovers, we're not. We have disagreements/conversations. But we HATE to fight so these things are addressed quickly. We are both quick to apologize and don't hold grudges. We are always both working to make the other's life easier, and this results in us always giving each other the benefit of the doubt.

I agree this is like, 50% luck and 50% choice because people can change and its hard to know how things are going to work out after a few years of dating. But there are signs, you should listen to your gut ALWAYS.

[Anonymous]

Live together before marriage so you can see the reality of what you’re in for co-habiting exposes traits in the other person you wouldn’t otherwise see.

Also, ask questions about their upbringing and family of origin and if possible, get to know their family members well before marriage too. Don’t allow yourself to be surprised by a mentally ill MIL or dysfunctional family dynamics after marriage. Not saying that needs to be a dealbreaker at all but you should know the kind of environment your spouse grew up in/what was normalized to them in their family dynamics growing up and about any possibly heritable conditions or illnesses you should know about beforehand.

Their parents’ or close family members’ addiction or adultery or abuse is a huge indicator of your spouse’s future actions in your marriage.

Do your best to get a feeling for how you’ll deal with big issues: money, kids, kind of big picture goals for the future. You can’t predict everything that’ll happen of course but you can at least ask them how they feel about things like saving/spending/investing, what kind of lifestyle they envision, how they feel about having a spouse SAH if you have kids, career goals, where you want to live, etc. Again, not necessarily a dealbreaker but good if you align on politics, religion. Great if you have similar sense of humor, similar values, similar beliefs.

Make sure you’re compatible sexually. If you’re mismatched sexually in the beginning it’ll just get worse and worse over time. Marry someone you’re very attracted to physically and have a good chemistry with.