People in successful marriages - what did you do right?

[Anonymous]

A couple of things worked for us:

1. We agreed on a relationship philosophy before we got serious. She had me read the book His Needs/Her Needs. And while it seems antiquated now, it made us talk about what we needed from the other to be happy. Any time we got off track, each of us could just point back to the book and say “I need x”.

2. We didn’t lose ourselves to being super parents. We viewed the health of our relationship as the cornerstone of our child’s well-being. When he moved off to college we still had a relationship.

3. We always prioritized our health and fitness. And spending on anything fitness or health related was almost auto approved.

4. We never went more than a week, maybe two (except for when our dad was born) without sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m curious to hear from people in happy relationships: what do you think it is about yourself/your spouse/your marriage that makes it work? What traits did you select for?

1- I made sure to marry a woman who is not very attractive. Because she knows she has very limited options on the dating market, she will never leave me.
2- Good sex. I never failed. I always deliver and so does she. I would be hard for her to find a man who gives it to her like I do.

I'm not perfect. I have cheated sometimes but because of the two things above, our 20 year marriage has remained strong.

[Anonymous]

Together 27 years so far... Very similar upbringing, SES, education, values. Make each other laugh every day. Don't sweat the small stuff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think I did three things right.

1. I found someone compatible with me. My husband is not perfect, he has some significant flaws, but those are the flaws I can deal with or tune out from. He will probably say the same thing about me.

2. I did not do it on purpose, but while dating, we spent lots of time together- just the two of us (long distance dating makes you do that). I was shocked how many marriages fell apart during Covid, but then realized that many couples have never been forced to spend much time holed up together and had no idea how they would function in that closed loop. We did and liked it.

3. Contrary to the popular advice from therapists, I am very direct and don’t do manure sandwiches. I am not waiting for a “better” time to have a conversation or look for gentle way to tell him that e.g. loud chewing is disgusting. I just say hey, cut that out.

and, to build on #3, he has the ego to hear your feedback and not flip out. Hopefully he chews quieter.

[Anonymous]

Together 33 years, married for 25. We took our time with every milestone. We share similar values and goals. We want to be together until death and we want to be content if we can't be happy all the time. We grow and change together. We love each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m curious to hear from people in happy relationships: what do you think it is about yourself/your spouse/your marriage that makes it work? What traits did you select for?

1- I made sure to marry a woman who is not very attractive. Because she knows she has very limited options on the dating market, she will never leave me.
2- Good sex. I never failed. I always deliver and so does she. I would be hard for her to find a man who gives it to her like I do.

I'm not perfect. I have cheated sometimes but because of the two things above, our 20 year marriage has remained strong.

Wow! She is such a lucky woman to marry someone like you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m curious to hear from people in happy relationships: what do you think it is about yourself/your spouse/your marriage that makes it work? What traits did you select for?

1- I made sure to marry a woman who is not very attractive. Because she knows she has very limited options on the dating market, she will never leave me.
2- Good sex. I never failed. I always deliver and so does she. I would be hard for her to find a man who gives it to her like I do.

I'm not perfect. I have cheated sometimes but because of the two things above, our 20 year marriage has remained strong.

Some people might not consider this a successful marriage.

Dear reader, take all responses to the relationship forum with a grain of salt.

[Anonymous]

probably being Christian together

[Anonymous]

Married someone who is nice, a hard worker, has a cheerful temperament.

[Anonymous]

Hubby and I have been together 25 years now. We were each others first and only real relationships. We had similar values and goals in life, and by our kid 30s we had a stable life. The only thing lacking was our sex life. I wasnt really aware, but my hubby felt we didnt explore enough. Turns out he was right. We introduced ethical non-monogamy, but it's generally one sided. I Had no idea what I was missing out on and now I get the best of both worlds.

[Anonymous]

Someone mentioned something about knowing your in-laws well. When we got married my in-laws were nice, normal people. In fact, in some ways I was jealous that DW grew up with a nicer and more functional family than I did. They have changed dramatically in the 20 years that I have known them, primarily my FIL. He got hardcore into politics (hardcore as in TV watching FoxNews/Newsmax/OAN, not campaigning or actually doing anything) and it has filtered through to so many aspects of him. He is obsessed with being on his phone in a way he wasn't when we were dating. He also have some really extreme views and he seems incapable of going an evening without injecting politics into the discussion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think I did three things right.

1. I found someone compatible with me. My husband is not perfect, he has some significant flaws, but those are the flaws I can deal with or tune out from. He will probably say the same thing about me.

2. I did not do it on purpose, but while dating, we spent lots of time together- just the two of us (long distance dating makes you do that). I was shocked how many marriages fell apart during Covid, but then realized that many couples have never been forced to spend much time holed up together and had no idea how they would function in that closed loop. We did and liked it.

3. Contrary to the popular advice from therapists, I am very direct and don’t do manure sandwiches. I am not waiting for a “better” time to have a conversation or look for gentle way to tell him that e.g. loud chewing is disgusting. I just say hey, cut that out.

Huge red flag here. What you did right is that you married a submissive man.
Even simps like your DH have a breaking point where they stop putting up with your BS.

I married a man who considers me his equal. I bet your buddies don’t use therapy speak on you and you are handling it just fine. It’s just when women engage in a direct talk your fragility bubbles up. That would be a huge red flag for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think I did three things right.

1. I found someone compatible with me. My husband is not perfect, he has some significant flaws, but those are the flaws I can deal with or tune out from. He will probably say the same thing about me.

2. I did not do it on purpose, but while dating, we spent lots of time together- just the two of us (long distance dating makes you do that). I was shocked how many marriages fell apart during Covid, but then realized that many couples have never been forced to spend much time holed up together and had no idea how they would function in that closed loop. We did and liked it.

3. Contrary to the popular advice from therapists, I am very direct and don’t do manure sandwiches. I am not waiting for a “better” time to have a conversation or look for gentle way to tell him that e.g. loud chewing is disgusting. I just say hey, cut that out.

and, to build on #3, he has the ego to hear your feedback and not flip out. Hopefully he chews quieter.

Yep, that’s what I meant by “compatible with me”. Loud chewing example was purely hypothetical- we both can’t stand it.

[Anonymous]

Personality. It's not so much what you do, but what you do because of who you are.

[Anonymous]

Learning to drop the rope. You don’t always have to be right. You don’t always have to have a discussion about bullshit. Sometimes, you are just fried and a good night’s sleep (and maybe some nookie) will eliminate the problem.