People in successful marriages - what did you do right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think I did three things right.

1. I found someone compatible with me. My husband is not perfect, he has some significant flaws, but those are the flaws I can deal with or tune out from. He will probably say the same thing about me.

2. I did not do it on purpose, but while dating, we spent lots of time together- just the two of us (long distance dating makes you do that). I was shocked how many marriages fell apart during Covid, but then realized that many couples have never been forced to spend much time holed up together and had no idea how they would function in that closed loop. We did and liked it.

3. Contrary to the popular advice from therapists, I am very direct and don’t do manure sandwiches. I am not waiting for a “better” time to have a conversation or look for gentle way to tell him that e.g. loud chewing is disgusting. I just say hey, cut that out.

Love your approach -- I call it standing on business!

[Anonymous]

Nobody has pointed out that none of this matters unless BOTH people do these things. You can do everything right and still end up divorced if your spouse decides to flake. People change and sometimes they change in ways that aren't something you can go along with or condone. I don't think I'd call this luck. It's more like having the good fortune that your spouse doesn't change and decide to flake on the marriage.

[Anonymous]

27 years married, 29 together. We had some things against us:
*I was very young
*We both have pretty significant mental illness in our families
*We both had poor communication skills
*One of us has ADHD and tended to use substances to self medicate

But, we:
* Have always been very attracted/connected to one another
*We both really wanted to stay married
* One of us has a short memory, one of us is quick to forgive
* We were both willing to do individual and couples therapy
* We have a lot of money and good work/life balance

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1. prioritize our relationship over the kids
2. don't nag (women)
3. make lots of time for each other (weekly date, etc)

**very** happily married nearly 15 years 5 kids

This was a good, pithy list, until you blew it, PP, with the second item on the list.

Nagging is not exclusively something done by women. Either you're a woman with a low opinion of other women, or a man who believes only women are nags. Whichever is the case: Your personal experience isn't a universal truth for every woman (or man) ever. Pretty misogynistic to label nagging as an issue only for women.

It's not done exclusively by women but it is done primarily by women. In fact, it's such a one-sided issue that it's not wholly unreasonable to tag women about it. Guys just let things ride. In part, that's why they initiate divorces less frequently.

[Anonymous]

Flexibility, a good sense of humor, we are both fun, support each others careers (talk through issues/advise each other), we allow each other independence to do things without the other, lots in common (music, golf, fitness, travel, walking and talking about the dog constantly etc).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Finding someone with good emotional health and control. Finding someone who doesn’t want to spend their life bickering over stuff that doesn’t matter.

I think being willing to let stuff go is very underrated.

I remember when we got married there was all this talk about “never go to bed angry” but sometimes just going to bed is as good/better than spending an hour talking about it.

Going to bed angry isn't the same thing as letting stuff go. If you've let it go you wouldn't still be angry...

[Anonymous]

Been together 22 years, married 11 years...#1 honestly is sense of humor, we are always laughing and "get" reach other; #2 on the same page money / status wise - specifically neither of us overspends and we don't care about spending money on most items (i.e. drive old cars, live in a modest home, etc.) #3 we do not care about small stuff...that is so important. we rarely argue because most things really don't rise to that level. I have ADHD and he just accepts me and supports me and has no temper about my messiness etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nobody has pointed out that none of this matters unless BOTH people do these things. You can do everything right and still end up divorced if your spouse decides to flake. People change and sometimes they change in ways that aren't something you can go along with or condone. I don't think I'd call this luck. It's more like having the good fortune that your spouse doesn't change and decide to flake on the marriage.

+1

As someone who was previously happily married to my best friend, life happens and people change. You can't (completely)control whether your marriage stays strong and functional.

Keep a sense of humility and realize some of success is good luck of having circumstances that don't break you and/or your spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Low expectations.

Ha!

It’s actually the results of a “happy marriage” study.

+1 There’s a lot to be said for inertia.