People in successful marriages - what did you do right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I did everything right and he still left. You can’t control other people or outcomes.

+1

I am married 20 years but agree with above poster. There are many things out of your control that you cannot see coming. Luck plays a bigger part than you'd think. In my opinion, people with long-term marriages with no major problems got lucky, and to think otherwise is to be pretty smug.

Here are my suggestions:

-Have low expectations

-Ride out the hard times/be patient with you partner, and understand there are "seasons"

-Don't keep score. There are times when you will be carrying the majority of the load, and times when they will. It won't usually be 50/50

-Have as much sex as possible... there are times when that is the only thing that will bring you together... And a sub-point... don't marry someone you are not physically attracted to or don't have chemistry with. This will make the sex part hard.

-Mental illness can absolutely wreck everything (and can be hard to see initially) but I would also not discount someone with it (or who has it in their family) as you could also be passing up on a great person. Realistically, some type of mental illness is somewhere in almost every family.

-Having money helps a lot. More of an observation than a suggestion.

-Hope you get lucky

+1
All of this exactly for the both of us. We're at 24 years and happy. I hope this continues.

[Anonymous]

Married 25 years.

Don’t sweat the small stuff.
Be a bit deaf.
Assume best intentions.

These three rules have worked for me/us. We were compatible in fundamentals - families were similar, similar on how to handle money, similar level education profiles and ambition. Even then, I think these rules are what has kept us together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Low expectations.

Ha!

Yes! The secret of marriage is you have to just stay married

+1. My parents have stayed married even though my mom is/was verbally abusive to my Dad and all of us kids.

Staying together allowed them to accumulate substantial wealth - my mom SAHMd and my Dad made money at BigLaw and in the sale of a company, which he would not have been able to do if he had to take on 50% of parenting. So, I guess you would say they were "successful" and "picked well.". My Mom didn't "pick well". She simply married the guy who asked her, as she acknowledged herself. She is lucky my Dad stayed with her and didn't leave her despite her abuse.

I think in retrospect us kids would have done better in a divorced non-abusive home. Staying together also meant that all the kids were raised in a highly abusive environment that basically crippled us emotionally. None of my siblings formed stable long term partnerships let alone marriages.

I had several long term relationships and ultimately had kids but their Dad, who I thought I had screened carefully, turned out to be a liar - deeply duplicitous in a way I only uncovered by accident (but then had the wisdom to continue to pull the thread of the first lie). Sadly, I consider myself lucky to have found out so quickly and severed ties with him when our kids were very young. They were able to grow up in a relatively healthy way, which would not have happened if we had been married.

So, long story short - I didn't have a successful marriage, but I consider myself a more successful parent as a divorcee than my married parents were.
I've also learned that those who have successful marriages are in large part simply lucky or have decided to stay in unhealthy situations that mean their marriage is intact but the impact to self or kids is terrible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Low expectations.

Ha!

Yes! The secret of marriage is you have to just stay married

+1. My parents have stayed married even though my mom is/was verbally abusive to my Dad and all of us kids.

Staying together allowed them to accumulate substantial wealth - my mom SAHMd and my Dad made money at BigLaw and in the sale of a company, which he would not have been able to do if he had to take on 50% of parenting. So, I guess you would say they were "successful" and "picked well.". My Mom didn't "pick well". She simply married the guy who asked her, as she acknowledged herself. She is lucky my Dad stayed with her and didn't leave her despite her abuse.

I think in retrospect us kids would have done better in a divorced non-abusive home. Staying together also meant that all the kids were raised in a highly abusive environment that basically crippled us emotionally. None of my siblings formed stable long term partnerships let alone marriages.

I had several long term relationships and ultimately had kids but their Dad, who I thought I had screened carefully, turned out to be a liar - deeply duplicitous in a way I only uncovered by accident (but then had the wisdom to continue to pull the thread of the first lie). Sadly, I consider myself lucky to have found out so quickly and severed ties with him when our kids were very young. They were able to grow up in a relatively healthy way, which would not have happened if we had been married.

So, long story short - I didn't have a successful marriage, but I consider myself a more successful parent as a divorcee than my married parents were.
I've also learned that those who have successful marriages are in large part simply lucky or have decided to stay in unhealthy situations that mean their marriage is intact but the impact to self or kids is terrible.

What makes you think your mom would stop abusing you if she were divorced?

[Anonymous]

Waited til my late 20s to think about settling down, dated lots so I knew what I wanted, was with DH for six years before marriage incl two living together. Just celebrated our 20th anniversary. And I still like him.

[Anonymous]

Beyond the obvious, for us:

Traditional roles.

Emotionally supportive families.

Give everything you can to the marriage. Have grace with your spouse and understand it can’t be enough.

Protect and prioritize the marriage as the foundation of the family.

Luck.

[Anonymous]

Something bothers you, something they did. Is it already done? Yes, it's already done. Nothing you would say is going to change that fact -- so don't.

They did something. It's not what you would have done or the way you would have done it. BUT, do there exist others who would have done/decided the same as your spouse. Yes? Than you have to extend the grace that *your* approach isn't the only way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m curious to hear from people in happy relationships: what do you think it is about yourself/your spouse/your marriage that makes it work? What traits did you select for?

Loyalty and continuous efforts to do better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wish everyone responding would tell us how long you've been married.

+1. Only 25+ need to respond.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Traditional roles. To me, marriages worked back in the day for a reason, there were clear roles. The man was the leader of the home and provided financially. The woman took on my of the parenting role with the children and took care of the home. I made sure to find a man that had a similar outlook on marriage.

A lot of marriages “back in the day” did not work. Women and children were abused and just could not leave because they could not provide for themselves and/or the judicial system would not allow them to leave. My marriage works because it is egalitarian and we contribute financially and inside the home equally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Traditional roles. To me, marriages worked back in the day for a reason, there were clear roles. The man was the leader of the home and provided financially. The woman took on my of the parenting role with the children and took care of the home. I made sure to find a man that had a similar outlook on marriage.

A lot of marriages “back in the day” did not work. Women and children were abused and just could not leave because they could not provide for themselves and/or the judicial system would not allow them to leave. My marriage works because it is egalitarian and we contribute financially and inside the home equally.

I was sharing my opinion, I see it differs from yours and that is fine. No one mentioned abuse though…. That is very extreme.

[Anonymous]

I think I picked the right person. And I make an effort. It's those two things.

I married someone who is kind, generous, loyal, trustworthy, gets along well with people, attractive, successful, smart, competent, and has a decent amount of money and is good with it.

As far as making an effort, it is all about "bids." If you are unfamiliar with this, here is an article: https://www.gottman.com/blog/want-to-improve-your-relationship-start-paying-more-attention-to-bids/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think I picked the right person. And I make an effort. It's those two things.

I married someone who is kind, generous, loyal, trustworthy, gets along well with people, attractive, successful, smart, competent, and has a decent amount of money and is good with it.

As far as making an effort, it is all about "bids." If you are unfamiliar with this, here is an article: https://www.gottman.com/blog/want-to-improve-your-relationship-start-paying-more-attention-to-bids/

PP here.

Together 21 years, married for 8.

[Anonymous]

20 years married..We communicate well. But we are humble enough to realize that we are LUCKY as well. Failed marriages in many instances are not due to the couples not trying hard enough. LUCK should not be discounted.

[Anonymous]

20 years ago I went in search of someone:
1. Who could support my career aspirations.
2. Had aspirations of their own.
3. Wanted a family and came from a good family whose parents were still married. (Yes I discriminate and tell my kids to as well).
4. Shared common interests.
5. Was a kind caring person.
6. Was willing and happy to divide family responsibility equally - including taking bonding time with each kid. (Yes, I did ask before marriage when we were discussing family. And, yes, DH took 4 months parental leave with each kid. I took 4 months, followed by his 4 months, then the nanny was full time ).