People in successful marriages - what did you do right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Low expectations.

Ha!

Yes! The secret of marriage is you have to just stay married

+1. My parents have stayed married even though my mom is/was verbally abusive to my Dad and all of us kids.

Staying together allowed them to accumulate substantial wealth - my mom SAHMd and my Dad made money at BigLaw and in the sale of a company, which he would not have been able to do if he had to take on 50% of parenting. So, I guess you would say they were "successful" and "picked well.". My Mom didn't "pick well". She simply married the guy who asked her, as she acknowledged herself. She is lucky my Dad stayed with her and didn't leave her despite her abuse.

I think in retrospect us kids would have done better in a divorced non-abusive home. Staying together also meant that all the kids were raised in a highly abusive environment that basically crippled us emotionally. None of my siblings formed stable long term partnerships let alone marriages.

I had several long term relationships and ultimately had kids but their Dad, who I thought I had screened carefully, turned out to be a liar - deeply duplicitous in a way I only uncovered by accident (but then had the wisdom to continue to pull the thread of the first lie). Sadly, I consider myself lucky to have found out so quickly and severed ties with him when our kids were very young. They were able to grow up in a relatively healthy way, which would not have happened if we had been married.

So, long story short - I didn't have a successful marriage, but I consider myself a more successful parent as a divorcee than my married parents were.
I've also learned that those who have successful marriages are in large part simply lucky or have decided to stay in unhealthy situations that mean their marriage is intact but the impact to self or kids is terrible.

People on this forum are not going to like your post because a lot of them are stuck for whatever reasons and they don't buy the fact that you can be a happy divorcee..these people think a failed marriage is better than a divorce. I feel.bas for them.

[Anonymous]

Habitually being kind and cheerful even if you don’t feel like it.

Letting go of a ton of stuff.

Comfortable with distance and time apart.

Silence is golden.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Traditional roles. To me, marriages worked back in the day for a reason, there were clear roles. The man was the leader of the home and provided financially. The woman took on my of the parenting role with the children and took care of the home. I made sure to find a man that had a similar outlook on marriage.

A lot of marriages “back in the day” did not work. Women and children were abused and just could not leave because they could not provide for themselves and/or the judicial system would not allow them to leave. My marriage works because it is egalitarian and we contribute financially and inside the home equally.

I was sharing my opinion, I see it differs from yours and that is fine. No one mentioned abuse though…. That is very extreme.

You expressed an opinion about why marriages used to “work.” It’s important to provide context for the vulnerability that women and children experienced in the context of men “leading” and “providing financially.” Many women have opted out of this arrangement today because it leaves them with no options if abuse happens. It’s not an extreme situation. It’s been the reality for many women and children in America and abroad who were at the mercy of a male breadwinner and inequitable court system. Nostalgia for “traditional” roles is dangerous if we don’t remind people that this situation also potentially leads to the disempowerment of women.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes. I love all these answers because I really just think it's literally not divorcing...that's how you stay married.

Pretty much! Married 38 years, happily so now, but sometimes not so happy...but we hung in.

[Anonymous]

Kindness. I know people assume its for other people but its as good for yourself and your partner.

[Anonymous]

Also mine and yours policy is also a sure way to stay as a pair of two individuals, not actually becoming a couple.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes. I love all these answers because I really just think it's literally not divorcing...that's how you stay married.

Pretty much! Married 38 years, happily so now, but sometimes not so happy...but we hung in.

This^. When exit door is always open, people eventually use it, literally or emotionally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Habitually being kind and cheerful even if you don’t feel like it.

Letting go of a ton of stuff.

Comfortable with distance and time apart.

Silence is golden.

100%

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Low expectations.

Ha!

Yes! The secret of marriage is you have to just stay married

+1. My parents have stayed married even though my mom is/was verbally abusive to my Dad and all of us kids.

Staying together allowed them to accumulate substantial wealth - my mom SAHMd and my Dad made money at BigLaw and in the sale of a company, which he would not have been able to do if he had to take on 50% of parenting. So, I guess you would say they were "successful" and "picked well.". My Mom didn't "pick well". She simply married the guy who asked her, as she acknowledged herself. She is lucky my Dad stayed with her and didn't leave her despite her abuse.

I think in retrospect us kids would have done better in a divorced non-abusive home. Staying together also meant that all the kids were raised in a highly abusive environment that basically crippled us emotionally.

You could've ended up with your abusive mom without dad and money. Bumping from one trailer park to other, getting abused by series of mom's boyfriends.

[Anonymous]

1. Choose someone you genuinely like as a person.

2. Let A LOT go. Compromise often.

3. Wake up every day and choose your marriage (and be married to someone who does the same.)

It is not always easy, and sometimes you wish things were a certain way that they are not. And that is just life. But the grass is rarely greener on the other side.

[Anonymous]

Marriage only works when two people try to solve problems handed by the life, not when two people are the problem, like cheater, abuser, addict, drunk, avoidant, passive-aggressive etc etc

[Anonymous]

People imagining themselves on greener grasses, can't really focus on care of their own grass.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m curious to hear from people in happy relationships: what do you think it is about yourself/your spouse/your marriage that makes it work? What traits did you select for?

Very large and natural brea$t$ on a tiny frame.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Traditional roles. To me, marriages worked back in the day for a reason, there were clear roles. The man was the leader of the home and provided financially. The woman took on my of the parenting role with the children and took care of the home. I made sure to find a man that had a similar outlook on marriage.

A lot of marriages “back in the day” did not work. Women and children were abused and just could not leave because they could not provide for themselves and/or the judicial system would not allow them to leave. My marriage works because it is egalitarian and we contribute financially and inside the home equally.

I was sharing my opinion, I see it differs from yours and that is fine. No one mentioned abuse though…. That is very extreme.

You expressed an opinion about why marriages used to “work.” It’s important to provide context for the vulnerability that women and children experienced in the context of men “leading” and “providing financially.” Many women have opted out of this arrangement today because it leaves them with no options if abuse happens. It’s not an extreme situation. It’s been the reality for many women and children in America and abroad who were at the mercy of a male breadwinner and inequitable court system. Nostalgia for “traditional” roles is dangerous if we don’t remind people that this situation also potentially leads to the disempowerment of women.

+1
More women “back then” felt stuck than were happy. They just didn’t have a voice so it’s lost to history, which a man wrote. Unless, of course, you are from a family that actually talks about it, which most don’t.

[Anonymous]

Like other posters- we went through some rocky times.
Choose someone who has similar values and priorities. Someone who you can talk to about absolutely anything.