DH Was Called a 'Twink'

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is there any truth to him being gay?

This does not matter.

It matters bc that might be what OP is really reacting to.

[Anonymous]

Gays cannot say whatever they want just because they're gay . Sexual harassment rules apply to them too, as well as everyone else. No one is exempt from the rules.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Gays cannot say whatever they want just because they're gay . Sexual harassment rules apply to them too, as well as everyone else. No one is exempt from the rules.

That should be true but is it reality?
I have seen some egregious conduct and HR generally hasn't cared much. They do an interview and nothing happens.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Gays cannot say whatever they want just because they're gay . Sexual harassment rules apply to them too, as well as everyone else. No one is exempt from the rules.

True in theory, but not everyone who is on the receiving end of something inappropriate needs to contact HR. I’m a straight white dude and wouldn’t appreciate being on the receiving end of a boss calling me “twink,” but I would never in a million years go to HR if that one-time comment were all that there were to it. (Whereas I’d have no problem advising a woman or a gay man to go to HR for a one-time comment along the same lines.) In the moment, I’d tell the boss, “alright, enough,” or if I failed to do that I’d talk to him afterwards (“hey listen, I’m not wanting to make a big deal about it but I really didn’t appreciate that”). Squealing to HR would negatively impact OP’s career as he forever becomes whispered about as the whiner who couldn’t take a little ribbing, not to mention his own self-image of what he’s capable of handling on his own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Gays cannot say whatever they want just because they're gay . Sexual harassment rules apply to them too, as well as everyone else. No one is exempt from the rules.

True in theory, but not everyone who is on the receiving end of something inappropriate needs to contact HR. I’m a straight white dude and wouldn’t appreciate being on the receiving end of a boss calling me “twink,” but I would never in a million years go to HR if that one-time comment were all that there were to it. (Whereas I’d have no problem advising a woman or a gay man to go to HR for a one-time comment along the same lines.) In the moment, I’d tell the boss, “alright, enough,” or if I failed to do that I’d talk to him afterwards (“hey listen, I’m not wanting to make a big deal about it but I really didn’t appreciate that”). Squealing to HR would negatively impact OP’s career as he forever becomes whispered about as the whiner who couldn’t take a little ribbing, not to mention his own self-image of what he’s capable of handling on his own.

You do you. Not everyone has the same laissez faire attitude. Nor should they. Some others may feel very uncomfortable to what is literally tantamount being called a 'nice little F boy' by a gay person.

Any type of language like 'twink' has ZERO place in a professional work environment, good grief.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Gays cannot say whatever they want just because they're gay . Sexual harassment rules apply to them too, as well as everyone else. No one is exempt from the rules.

True in theory, but not everyone who is on the receiving end of something inappropriate needs to contact HR. I’m a straight white dude and wouldn’t appreciate being on the receiving end of a boss calling me “twink,” but I would never in a million years go to HR if that one-time comment were all that there were to it. (Whereas I’d have no problem advising a woman or a gay man to go to HR for a one-time comment along the same lines.) In the moment, I’d tell the boss, “alright, enough,” or if I failed to do that I’d talk to him afterwards (“hey listen, I’m not wanting to make a big deal about it but I really didn’t appreciate that”). Squealing to HR would negatively impact OP’s career as he forever becomes whispered about as the whiner who couldn’t take a little ribbing, not to mention his own self-image of what he’s capable of handling on his own.

You do you. Not everyone has the same laissez faire attitude. Nor should they. Some others may feel very uncomfortable to what is literally tantamount being called a 'nice little F boy' by a gay person.

Any type of language like 'twink' has ZERO place in a professional work environment, good grief.

PP here. You’re misunderstanding what I said, or maybe I was unclear. I agree that it would make me feel uncomfortable and I agree that it is inappropriate. The question is how to respond. I think I’d have better luck and fewer negative repercussions by going direct with the supervisor rather than running to HR. The sad truth is, different standards apply to minorities as compared to non-oppressed groups like straight white men - perhaps appropriately so, I don’t know - but a straight white man going to HR will be perceived differently than when a minority does it, it just will. OP and anyone in his situation should be cognizant of that before they act.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My straight, white, moderate DH works in an extremely diverse office space. Half the employees are POC, a solid third are gay. He has taken plenty of friendly ribbing for the last two years, but on Friday and yesterday one gay male manager (who is a known bully) referred to my DH as a twink. For those not in on gay slang it is a derisive term to describe smaller, clean cut men. Sometimes it is used as a term of sexual interest akin to calling a woman a sexpot. Either way it is wholly offensive.

Does he have a sexual harassment claim?

Only if it prevented his advancement or ability to do his job.

SOOO not true.

I think your DH should document it with the HR, but just know that if this is one and only incident they might not do anything. However, if it continues or if others complain, they'll likely act.

They’ll act to protect the company, not him.

Being a straight while male isn’t a protected class[b]. Ironically, being a twink is…

Not for nothing but only a twink kind of man would go crying to HR about this. A real alpha would deal with the name calling in the moment and put an end to that.

Wrong. Race and sexual orientation are protected classes and it’s illegal to discriminate against someone based on their race or sexual orientation, even if they’re male and straight.

OP- your DH should document the twink incident. If this was a one-time comment, I wouldn’t report it. However, if the boss or others continue to make comments along this line, your DH should complain to HR and possibly file an EEOC complaint. More importantly, he should start looking for another job because his workplace sounds awful.

[Anonymous]

OP, your DH has full grounds for a complaint

[Anonymous]

Better a Twink than a Bear or Femboy

[Anonymous]

You might have never heard of the term "twink death" but for the permanently online being a twink as a man is a big compliment. It means you look young and slim

Although it's definitely possible the guy didnt mean it as a compliment, if he's usually a jerk.

[Anonymous]

Examples of "twink death":

KnowYourMeme explanation: https://knowyourmeme.com/memes/twink-death

So if he still looks like a twink it's actually a compliment

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think that even one instance of name-calling constitutes harassment.

At least, that's what HR is taught when it comes to minorities. There's no reason it shouldn't apply to the term that was used for your husband.

He should report it immediately to HR.

This is false, unless the name calling is particularly egregious. “Twink” isn’t it.

[Anonymous]

Did your husband tell the manager he didn’t like the comment? Your husband knows that if he goes the HR, they are going to tell the manager that he complained, right? It would be better for him to address the behavior himself first, if he can.

[Anonymous]

Your DH is a white cisgender male. He has not been living with years of oppression. In that context a sexual harassment "claim" is a little ridiculous and probably isn't going anywhere. He should tell whoever said it he doesn't appreciate comments like that, and then leave it be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your DH is a white cisgender male. He has not been living with years of oppression. In that context a sexual harassment "claim" is a little ridiculous and probably isn't going anywhere. He should tell whoever said it he doesn't appreciate comments like that, and then leave it be.

While the comment doesn’t rise to the level of a claim, the gender and race is immaterial.