Who Is Wrong Here?

[Anonymous]

1. He should fill the kettle half way each night, if at all.
2. OP should refill the kettle after using and boil the water, so even if he gets up later and has to heat it again, it isn’t starting from cold.

[Anonymous]

What? Wasting water is central to this issue! That would annoy me to no end! I try to put exactly the right amount for my cup in the kettle so none gets wasted.

Well, also central is the OP and her husband are acting like 3 year olds with autism, unable to see each other's POV and compromise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OK, I think I get it. OP’s DH’s stance is that she is adding two minutes to his boiling time because she is adding new (colder) water to the kettle. Without the addition of the new water, it would take less time for him to boil his water. Which says to me, he looks at this kettle and says, that’s my kettle, my water, and my space. This is how I make my morning beverage. Not, this is a kettle that we share.

She is not leaving her DH with an empty kettle. The addition of the new water is adding two minutes to his boiling time (for a total of 4 min), because he does not view the kettle as shared. Because she is using “his” kettle, he dumps her tea.

If this is the only instance of this behavior from him I’d be shocked. The “it’s wasting water” argument is classic distraction from the real issue; this guy is selfish. To be fair, I think a lot of men look at the world this way. They occupy it first, and women need to accommodate their own needs without disturbing them. When women behave otherwise, men can’t/won’t articulate it (because you have to really own being an ahole to say it out loud) but they do become irrationally angry. Think about how this would sound if he actually said it: “we have a shared kettle, and a shared stove. But I want to make my morning drink without accommodating or even remembering that you’re here. I want your morning tea to have no effect on how I make my morning drink”. And rather than just buying a separate kettle so he can have his way of it’s that important. he expects her to silently make it happen.

Good luck OP. It’s a tough way to live.

+1 he doesn't realize she drinks her tea before he needs the water?

[Anonymous]

The fact that neither of you are conversational with the other makes you both wrong. You're petty, he's spiteful.

Your marriage needs help. You both sound like children. Please don't breed.

Yikes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OK, I think I get it. OP’s DH’s stance is that she is adding two minutes to his boiling time because she is adding new (colder) water to the kettle. Without the addition of the new water, it would take less time for him to boil his water. Which says to me, he looks at this kettle and says, that’s my kettle, my water, and my space. This is how I make my morning beverage. Not, this is a kettle that we share.

She is not leaving her DH with an empty kettle. The addition of the new water is adding two minutes to his boiling time (for a total of 4 min), because he does not view the kettle as shared. Because she is using “his” kettle, he dumps her tea.

If this is the only instance of this behavior from him I’d be shocked. The “it’s wasting water” argument is classic distraction from the real issue; this guy is selfish. To be fair, I think a lot of men look at the world this way. They occupy it first, and women need to accommodate their own needs without disturbing them. When women behave otherwise, men can’t/won’t articulate it (because you have to really own being an ahole to say it out loud) but they do become irrationally angry. Think about how this would sound if he actually said it: “we have a shared kettle, and a shared stove. But I want to make my morning drink without accommodating or even remembering that you’re here. I want your morning tea to have no effect on how I make my morning drink”. And rather than just buying a separate kettle so he can have his way of it’s that important. he expects her to silently make it happen.

Good luck OP. It’s a tough way to live.

This is a lot of words to say you think DH is an AH because he doesn’t have want to wait for cold water to boil but you don’t think OP is an AH because she doesn’t want to wait for the full kettle to boil.

[Anonymous]

Feels like this is going to end with someone having boiling water tossed in their face.

Be warned.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I use an electric kettle for morning beverages. Him for his French press coffee, me for tea.

He fills the kettle each night before bed under the rationale that it a.) saves a minute in the am and, b.) gets the water temp to room temp overnight, therefore decreasing the amount of time needed to bring it to a boil. I am up first and often don't want t o wait for the entire kettle to boils o I dump out half the water, boil what I need, refill the kettle and set it to boil again.

He's 'caught' me doing this enough times that it now bothers him enough to call me wasteful and inconsiderate. I refuse to apologize for dumping ~11 ounces of water down the drain in the interest of saving myself time. He is upset about this, so..... he has taken to dumping my brewed tea down the drain anytime I live it unattended.

Who ITA here?

Y'all need to grow up and be considerate of each other AND you can score big by giving him his own kettle with a love note.

[Anonymous]

Buy another kettle or hire a shark lawyer.

[Anonymous]

What?!?

He's by far the worst offender.

He's wasting tea leaves AND water. I buy expensive loose tea, and I would be furious if anyone dumped out my brewed tea.

Get a water pitcher with a filter!!! I have the Aquagear. You can get a Brita, or any of a myriad others. Fill it up before bed, and only pour what you need in the kettle in the morning.

[Anonymous]

Get up 3 min earlier? Get the Breville w/ a pre-set program so its boilin when you get up?

[Anonymous]

Just pour the extra water into a mug then pour it back into the kettle instead of pouring it down the drain and refilling it.

You both seem rigid and ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The fact that neither of you are conversational with the other makes you both wrong. You're petty, he's spiteful.

Your marriage needs help. You both sound like children. Please don't breed.

Yikes.

+1,000

OP, if you're still reading: His reaction is out of all proportion to what anyone normal would percieve as your "offense." Does he overreact to other things in life? Toward you? Has he ever tossed out or destroyed something of yours as a kind of little spiteful way to "get back at" you over something, in the past? Usually things like dumping/tossing/destroying someone's food or drink or property don't come out of the blue. I'd sit down and think hard about whether your relationship has a thread of this tit-for-tat, bean-counting, "if you do X, I'll get back at you with Y" aspect in other areas, too.

On your own side, I can't see how an extra two minutes is any big deal. Unless you have a really old or weak kettle and it takes forever. The fact you are willing to, as the saying goes, die on this hill, is pretty telling; you're rigid too. Think about why this one incredibly unimportant thing has blown up to this point for BOTH of you, OP. There must be some larger dynamic getting reflected in this kettle fight, and it's going to get worse if you and he can't step back from this nonsensical pettiness and see why you, who are supposed to be each other's closest people in the world, treat each other so shabbily.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get up 3 min earlier? Get the Breville w/ a pre-set program so its boilin when you get up?

But that would make too much sense! What would they fight about then?!

I suspect that if they did resolve this silly dispute, they would find something else to wrangle over in their day to day life together. There's some kind of underlying resentment and anger there. This is a symptom, not the actual disease.

[Anonymous]

OP, do you and your husband even like each other?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Get up 3 min earlier? Get the Breville w/ a pre-set program so its boilin when you get up?

But that would make too much sense! What would they fight about then?!

I suspect that if they did resolve this silly dispute, they would find something else to wrangle over in their day to day life together. There's some kind of underlying resentment and anger there. This is a symptom, not the actual disease.

EXACTLY!!!! It's not about the kettle.