Who Is Wrong Here?

[Anonymous]

1. You both are wrong.
2. if he feels strongly about the room temperature water, he should fill his french press with water the night before and leave the kettle empty for you, or fill it with the 11 oz or whatever you need.
3. Then when you are done boiling your water, you dump his french press water into the kettle to just sit there.
4. You shouldn't double boil water anyway for the best taste.
5. you guys could have figured this out, I'm sure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:Dumping out your tea? He’s TA.

This man has been taking time every evening to pour out enough water for both of them as a courtesy, and she has been pouring half of it out to meet her needs then filling it up with cold water behind his back. She’s no peach.

No, she says she turns the kettle on when she refills it for him. He’s the one being ridiculous. If she left an empty kettle that would be an issue.

She could just ask him to only fill it halfway at night, instead she dumps water out every day ... to avoid speakign to him?

Nobody needs permission to make themselves a kettle of hot water. Per OP when this happens she is up before him and immediately refills the kettle and heats it up. Her behavior is totally normal and considerate. HIS behavior in retaliating over something that *did not affect him* is toxic and weird as f. I really want to know what other kinds of stuff he does.

It does affect him - he doesn't like to heat up cold water, and he doesn't like her to waste water. She can't just ask him to fill it up only halfway to avoid waste? and put a cup of water out to dump into the kettle room temp after? THey're both nuts, but this is solvable.

she turns the kettle on for him …

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just want to make sure I’m understanding correctly—he still wakes up to boiling water for his beverage of choice, correct?

So he’s being petulant and intentionally antagonizing you for no benefit to himself, which I see as a much bigger problem. That’s four horsemen level (Gottman).

However, you had an easy opportunity to either compromise or to talk to him about it, and you decided to circumvent instead. I would be upset if I were your spouse. But I would talk to you about it and try to understand where you were coming from. If you dug in your heels over an extra minute of boiling time, I’d have some serious thinking to do.

OP here.

No, he doesn't wake up to boiling water. He has to wait for it to boil. It takes 3-4 additional minutes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So I want make sure I’m understanding this correctly. The DH fills the whole kettle the night before. In the morning OP empties half the kettle, heats her own tea, and refills the kettle. So the kettle is intact and full of water just as if the DH had filled it the night before, it just has new water that has been put in? And he’s angry enough that his original water is not in the kettle that he is dumping out her tea?

I’m clearly not understanding bc this is absurd.

Again- OP here. Hi stance is that a kettle filled with water the night before boils in 2 minutes while a kettle that boils with tap water and set to boil then takes about 4 minutes. PLus he's angry that I'm dumping water down the drain.

[Anonymous]

Um, does warm water not come from their faucets? No way these two have kids if this occupies this much time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dumping out your tea? He’s TA.

This man has been taking time every evening to pour out enough water for both of them as a courtesy, and she has been pouring half of it out to meet her needs then filling it up with cold water behind his back. She’s no peach.

No, she says she turns the kettle on when she refills it for him. He’s the one being ridiculous. If she left an empty kettle that would be an issue.

She could just ask him to only fill it halfway at night, instead she dumps water out every day ... to avoid speakign to him?

Nobody needs permission to make themselves a kettle of hot water. Per OP when this happens she is up before him and immediately refills the kettle and heats it up. Her behavior is totally normal and considerate. HIS behavior in retaliating over something that *did not affect him* is toxic and weird as f. I really want to know what other kinds of stuff he does.

I use a kettle every morning. It’s only a couple extra minutes to heat the whole thing. Who engages with their spouse like this because her 4-5 minutes (max) are so precious?

You mean her DH, who is throwing out her tea because she boiled the water the way she prefers and then heats the kettle up for him?

She is being just as passive-aggressive about "only throwing out 11 ounces of water." FFS just heat up the whole kettle and be on your way. These kinds of little spats are such a waste of time and energy. Grow up people.

Absolutely disagree. She’s not being passive aggressive. She got up first and is using the shared appliance the way she prefers, and considerately leaving it prepared for him *exactly* the way it would have been if she had done nothing. He gets 1/2 kettle of boiled water, exactly the same as if she had not poured out the overnight kettle.

He’s angry because he wants to control things. And retaliates by throwing out her tea.

I hope they don’t have kids.

Living with people like you and OP is utterly exhausting and I feel so incredibly lucky I don't have to deal with you in real life.

You are wrong. And you know it, but argue otherwise. Under his system, the water is room temp when it is called to boil. Under her system the water is 50F (in the DC area at least) when it is called to boil. The latter takes much longer and isa the whole treason he sets it out the night before. This is science. She and you both know it takes longer but you are selfish a**holes.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:You're both being completely absurd.

+100

+1000.

How is OP being absurd? She’s leaving her DH with hot water in the kettle.

Because she won’t heat the whole pot of water.

… why does he get to force her to heat the whole kettle of water and if she doesn’t, he retaliates by throwing out her tea? She has a solution that results in tea for when she wants it, and hot water for him to make tea. He is so fixated on those 11 oz of room temp water that he throws her tea out?

Are you guys really fighting for this? “Force her to heat the whole kettle of water.” Are you married? Do you hear yourself? Marriage is doing all these little for each other. She knew her husband set out his water. She’s too important and busy to heat it all rather than dump it.

But she leaves him in *exactly* the same position: with 1/2 kettle of hot water. The issue is how spiteful he is, when she had not acted out of spite.

No, she doesn’t – she leaves water in the kettle ready to boil. She does not actually boil it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dumping out your tea? He’s TA.

This man has been taking time every evening to pour out enough water for both of them as a courtesy, and she has been pouring half of it out to meet her needs then filling it up with cold water behind his back. She’s no peach.

No, she says she turns the kettle on when she refills it for him. He’s the one being ridiculous. If she left an empty kettle that would be an issue.

She could just ask him to only fill it halfway at night, instead she dumps water out every day ... to avoid speakign to him?

Nobody needs permission to make themselves a kettle of hot water. Per OP when this happens she is up before him and immediately refills the kettle and heats it up. Her behavior is totally normal and considerate. HIS behavior in retaliating over something that *did not affect him* is toxic and weird as f. I really want to know what other kinds of stuff he does.

It does affect him - he doesn't like to heat up cold water, and he doesn't like her to waste water. She can't just ask him to fill it up only halfway to avoid waste? and put a cup of water out to dump into the kettle room temp after? THey're both nuts, but this is solvable.

she turns the kettle on for him …

NO SHE DOESN’T

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just want to make sure I’m understanding correctly—he still wakes up to boiling water for his beverage of choice, correct?

So he’s being petulant and intentionally antagonizing you for no benefit to himself, which I see as a much bigger problem. That’s four horsemen level (Gottman).

However, you had an easy opportunity to either compromise or to talk to him about it, and you decided to circumvent instead. I would be upset if I were your spouse. But I would talk to you about it and try to understand where you were coming from. If you dug in your heels over an extra minute of boiling time, I’d have some serious thinking to do.

OP here.

No, he doesn't wake up to boiling water. He has to wait for it to boil. It takes 3-4 additional minutes.

Then you’re TA.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So I want make sure I’m understanding this correctly. The DH fills the whole kettle the night before. In the morning OP empties half the kettle, heats her own tea, and refills the kettle. So the kettle is intact and full of water just as if the DH had filled it the night before, it just has new water that has been put in? And he’s angry enough that his original water is not in the kettle that he is dumping out her tea?

I’m clearly not understanding bc this is absurd.

Again- OP here. Hi stance is that a kettle filled with water the night before boils in 2 minutes while a kettle that boils with tap water and set to boil then takes about 4 minutes. PLus he's angry that I'm dumping water down the drain.

He ... has timed the boiling? You guys are both ridiculous in this scenario.

[Anonymous]

I mean, that OP is dumping water down the drain every morning literally proves her DH's point.

Hilarious to watch women argue otherwise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dumping out your tea? He’s TA.

This man has been taking time every evening to pour out enough water for both of them as a courtesy, and she has been pouring half of it out to meet her needs then filling it up with cold water behind his back. She’s no peach.

No, she says she turns the kettle on when she refills it for him. He’s the one being ridiculous. If she left an empty kettle that would be an issue.

She could just ask him to only fill it halfway at night, instead she dumps water out every day ... to avoid speakign to him?

Nobody needs permission to make themselves a kettle of hot water. Per OP when this happens she is up before him and immediately refills the kettle and heats it up. Her behavior is totally normal and considerate. HIS behavior in retaliating over something that *did not affect him* is toxic and weird as f. I really want to know what other kinds of stuff he does.

I use a kettle every morning. It’s only a couple extra minutes to heat the whole thing. Who engages with their spouse like this because her 4-5 minutes (max) are so precious?

You mean her DH, who is throwing out her tea because she boiled the water the way she prefers and then heats the kettle up for him?

She is being just as passive-aggressive about "only throwing out 11 ounces of water." FFS just heat up the whole kettle and be on your way. These kinds of little spats are such a waste of time and energy. Grow up people.

Absolutely disagree. She’s not being passive aggressive. She got up first and is using the shared appliance the way she prefers, and considerately leaving it prepared for him *exactly* the way it would have been if she had done nothing. He gets 1/2 kettle of boiled water, exactly the same as if she had not poured out the overnight kettle.

He’s angry because he wants to control things. And retaliates by throwing out her tea.

I hope they don’t have kids.

Living with people like you and OP is utterly exhausting and I feel so incredibly lucky I don't have to deal with you in real life.

You are wrong. And you know it, but argue otherwise. Under his system, the water is room temp when it is called to boil. Under her system the water is 50F (in the DC area at least) when it is called to boil. The latter takes much longer and isa the whole treason he sets it out the night before. This is science. She and you both know it takes longer but you are selfish a**holes.

Again, you are exhausting and so is OP AND her husband. I would never EVER live with someone like either of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dumping out your tea? He’s TA.

This man has been taking time every evening to pour out enough water for both of them as a courtesy, and she has been pouring half of it out to meet her needs then filling it up with cold water behind his back. She’s no peach.

No, she says she turns the kettle on when she refills it for him. He’s the one being ridiculous. If she left an empty kettle that would be an issue.

She could just ask him to only fill it halfway at night, instead she dumps water out every day ... to avoid speakign to him?

Nobody needs permission to make themselves a kettle of hot water. Per OP when this happens she is up before him and immediately refills the kettle and heats it up. Her behavior is totally normal and considerate. HIS behavior in retaliating over something that *did not affect him* is toxic and weird as f. I really want to know what other kinds of stuff he does.

I use a kettle every morning. It’s only a couple extra minutes to heat the whole thing. Who engages with their spouse like this because her 4-5 minutes (max) are so precious?

You mean her DH, who is throwing out her tea because she boiled the water the way she prefers and then heats the kettle up for him?

She is being just as passive-aggressive about "only throwing out 11 ounces of water." FFS just heat up the whole kettle and be on your way. These kinds of little spats are such a waste of time and energy. Grow up people.

Absolutely disagree. She’s not being passive aggressive. She got up first and is using the shared appliance the way she prefers, and considerately leaving it prepared for him *exactly* the way it would have been if she had done nothing. He gets 1/2 kettle of boiled water, exactly the same as if she had not poured out the overnight kettle.

He’s angry because he wants to control things. And retaliates by throwing out her tea.

I hope they don’t have kids.

Living with people like you and OP is utterly exhausting and I feel so incredibly lucky I don't have to deal with you in real life.

You are wrong. And you know it, but argue otherwise. Under his system, the water is room temp when it is called to boil. Under her system the water is 50F (in the DC area at least) when it is called to boil. The latter takes much longer and isa the whole treason he sets it out the night before. This is science. She and you both know it takes longer but you are selfish a**holes.

I'm not ARGUING about anything and that's the whole point. This is all so idiotic and a waste of time and mental energy. Some people never grow up I guess.

[Anonymous]

OK, I think I get it. OP’s DH’s stance is that she is adding two minutes to his boiling time because she is adding new (colder) water to the kettle. Without the addition of the new water, it would take less time for him to boil his water. Which says to me, he looks at this kettle and says, that’s my kettle, my water, and my space. This is how I make my morning beverage. Not, this is a kettle that we share.

She is not leaving her DH with an empty kettle. The addition of the new water is adding two minutes to his boiling time (for a total of 4 min), because he does not view the kettle as shared. Because she is using “his” kettle, he dumps her tea.

If this is the only instance of this behavior from him I’d be shocked. The “it’s wasting water” argument is classic distraction from the real issue; this guy is selfish. To be fair, I think a lot of men look at the world this way. They occupy it first, and women need to accommodate their own needs without disturbing them. When women behave otherwise, men can’t/won’t articulate it (because you have to really own being an ahole to say it out loud) but they do become irrationally angry. Think about how this would sound if he actually said it: “we have a shared kettle, and a shared stove. But I want to make my morning drink without accommodating or even remembering that you’re here. I want your morning tea to have no effect on how I make my morning drink”. And rather than just buying a separate kettle so he can have his way of it’s that important. he expects her to silently make it happen.

Good luck OP. It’s a tough way to live.

[Anonymous]

You should at least turn the kettle on once you refill it, OP. You are both terrible