Who Is Wrong Here?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So I want make sure I’m understanding this correctly. The DH fills the whole kettle the night before. In the morning OP empties half the kettle, heats her own tea, and refills the kettle. So the kettle is intact and full of water just as if the DH had filled it the night before, it just has new water that has been put in? And he’s angry enough that his original water is not in the kettle that he is dumping out her tea?

I’m clearly not understanding bc this is absurd.

Well, it is quite wasteful to dump water out for no reason. I'd just ask him to stop filling the kettle at night--OP can do it in the morning.

I'll add that I also don't agree with him dumping her tea--that is also wasteful and spiteful to boot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So I want make sure I’m understanding this correctly. The DH fills the whole kettle the night before. In the morning OP empties half the kettle, heats her own tea, and refills the kettle. So the kettle is intact and full of water just as if the DH had filled it the night before, it just has new water that has been put in? And he’s angry enough that his original water is not in the kettle that he is dumping out her tea?

I’m clearly not understanding bc this is absurd.

Well, it is quite wasteful to dump water out for no reason. I'd just ask him to stop filling the kettle at night--OP can do it in the morning.

You cannot be serious. 11 oz of water is worth all this? Do you know how much water is consumed by a household daily? Am I losing my mind here? That amount of water is not even worth this discussion. Let alone dumping out someone’s tea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're both being completely absurd.

+100

+1000.

How is OP being absurd? She’s leaving her DH with hot water in the kettle.

Because she won’t heat the whole pot of water.

… why does he get to force her to heat the whole kettle of water and if she doesn’t, he retaliates by throwing out her tea? She has a solution that results in tea for when she wants it, and hot water for him to make tea. He is so fixated on those 11 oz of room temp water that he throws her tea out?

Are you guys really fighting for this? “Force her to heat the whole kettle of water.” Are you married? Do you hear yourself? Marriage is doing all these little for each other. She knew her husband set out his water. She’s too important and busy to heat it all rather than dump it.

[Anonymous]

They are both being ridiculous. And their problems clearly are much deeper than simply heating water in a kettle. Rational people do not get this worked up over boiling water.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just want to make sure I’m understanding correctly—he still wakes up to boiling water for his beverage of choice, correct?

So he’s being petulant and intentionally antagonizing you for no benefit to himself, which I see as a much bigger problem. That’s four horsemen level (Gottman).

However, you had an easy opportunity to either compromise or to talk to him about it, and you decided to circumvent instead. I would be upset if I were your spouse. But I would talk to you about it and try to understand where you were coming from. If you dug in your heels over an extra minute of boiling time, I’d have some serious thinking to do.

Forgot to add that this happens with me and my spouse all the time. It’s taken us a long time but we’re much better at being able to say when something is important to us and to give in when it’s not. (Sometimes I hold on to eye rolling annoyance when I’m doing something that makes no sense to me.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dumping out your tea? He’s TA.

This man has been taking time every evening to pour out enough water for both of them as a courtesy, and she has been pouring half of it out to meet her needs then filling it up with cold water behind his back. She’s no peach.

No, she says she turns the kettle on when she refills it for him. He’s the one being ridiculous. If she left an empty kettle that would be an issue.

She could just ask him to only fill it halfway at night, instead she dumps water out every day ... to avoid speakign to him?

Nobody needs permission to make themselves a kettle of hot water. Per OP when this happens she is up before him and immediately refills the kettle and heats it up. Her behavior is totally normal and considerate. HIS behavior in retaliating over something that *did not affect him* is toxic and weird as f. I really want to know what other kinds of stuff he does.

I use a kettle every morning. It’s only a couple extra minutes to heat the whole thing. Who engages with their spouse like this because her 4-5 minutes (max) are so precious?

You mean her DH, who is throwing out her tea because she boiled the water the way she prefers and then heats the kettle up for him?

She is being just as passive-aggressive about "only throwing out 11 ounces of water." FFS just heat up the whole kettle and be on your way. These kinds of little spats are such a waste of time and energy. Grow up people.

Absolutely disagree. She’s not being passive aggressive. She got up first and is using the shared appliance the way she prefers, and considerately leaving it prepared for him *exactly* the way it would have been if she had done nothing. He gets 1/2 kettle of boiled water, exactly the same as if she had not poured out the overnight kettle.

He’s angry because he wants to control things. And retaliates by throwing out her tea.

I hope they don’t have kids.

Living with people like you and OP is utterly exhausting and I feel so incredibly lucky I don't have to deal with you in real life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're both being completely absurd.

+100

+1000.

How is OP being absurd? She’s leaving her DH with hot water in the kettle.

Because she won’t heat the whole pot of water.

… why does he get to force her to heat the whole kettle of water and if she doesn’t, he retaliates by throwing out her tea? She has a solution that results in tea for when she wants it, and hot water for him to make tea. He is so fixated on those 11 oz of room temp water that he throws her tea out?

Are you guys really fighting for this? “Force her to heat the whole kettle of water.” Are you married? Do you hear yourself? Marriage is doing all these little for each other. She knew her husband set out his water. She’s too important and busy to heat it all rather than dump it.

But she leaves him in *exactly* the same position: with 1/2 kettle of hot water. The issue is how spiteful he is, when she had not acted out of spite.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dumping out your tea? He’s TA.

This man has been taking time every evening to pour out enough water for both of them as a courtesy, and she has been pouring half of it out to meet her needs then filling it up with cold water behind his back. She’s no peach.

No, she says she turns the kettle on when she refills it for him. He’s the one being ridiculous. If she left an empty kettle that would be an issue.

She could just ask him to only fill it halfway at night, instead she dumps water out every day ... to avoid speakign to him?

Nobody needs permission to make themselves a kettle of hot water. Per OP when this happens she is up before him and immediately refills the kettle and heats it up. Her behavior is totally normal and considerate. HIS behavior in retaliating over something that *did not affect him* is toxic and weird as f. I really want to know what other kinds of stuff he does.

I use a kettle every morning. It’s only a couple extra minutes to heat the whole thing. Who engages with their spouse like this because her 4-5 minutes (max) are so precious?

You mean her DH, who is throwing out her tea because she boiled the water the way she prefers and then heats the kettle up for him?

She is being just as passive-aggressive about "only throwing out 11 ounces of water." FFS just heat up the whole kettle and be on your way. These kinds of little spats are such a waste of time and energy. Grow up people.

Absolutely disagree. She’s not being passive aggressive. She got up first and is using the shared appliance the way she prefers, and considerately leaving it prepared for him *exactly* the way it would have been if she had done nothing. He gets 1/2 kettle of boiled water, exactly the same as if she had not poured out the overnight kettle.

He’s angry because he wants to control things. And retaliates by throwing out her tea.

I hope they don’t have kids.

Living with people like you and OP is utterly exhausting and I feel so incredibly lucky I don't have to deal with you in real life.

Let me ask you this - how would you react if someone poured out your tea because they were mad at how you heated up the kettle?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just want to make sure I’m understanding correctly—he still wakes up to boiling water for his beverage of choice, correct?

So he’s being petulant and intentionally antagonizing you for no benefit to himself, which I see as a much bigger problem. That’s four horsemen level (Gottman).

However, you had an easy opportunity to either compromise or to talk to him about it, and you decided to circumvent instead. I would be upset if I were your spouse. But I would talk to you about it and try to understand where you were coming from. If you dug in your heels over an extra minute of boiling time, I’d have some serious thinking to do.

Forgot to add that this happens with me and my spouse all the time. It’s taken us a long time but we’re much better at being able to say when something is important to us and to give in when it’s not. (Sometimes I hold on to eye rolling annoyance when I’m doing something that makes no sense to me.)

I posted upthread about this - my exDH was not a thoughtful person but would never purposefully wreck something because he was mad. This is “four horsemen” behavior and I don’t see how OP deserved it. “Avoid triggering spite” isn’t the correct answer here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dumping out your tea? He’s TA.

This man has been taking time every evening to pour out enough water for both of them as a courtesy, and she has been pouring half of it out to meet her needs then filling it up with cold water behind his back. She’s no peach.

No, she says she turns the kettle on when she refills it for him. He’s the one being ridiculous. If she left an empty kettle that would be an issue.

She could just ask him to only fill it halfway at night, instead she dumps water out every day ... to avoid speakign to him?

Nobody needs permission to make themselves a kettle of hot water. Per OP when this happens she is up before him and immediately refills the kettle and heats it up. Her behavior is totally normal and considerate. HIS behavior in retaliating over something that *did not affect him* is toxic and weird as f. I really want to know what other kinds of stuff he does.

I use a kettle every morning. It’s only a couple extra minutes to heat the whole thing. Who engages with their spouse like this because her 4-5 minutes (max) are so precious?

You mean her DH, who is throwing out her tea because she boiled the water the way she prefers and then heats the kettle up for him?

She is being just as passive-aggressive about "only throwing out 11 ounces of water." FFS just heat up the whole kettle and be on your way. These kinds of little spats are such a waste of time and energy. Grow up people.

Absolutely disagree. She’s not being passive aggressive. She got up first and is using the shared appliance the way she prefers, and considerately leaving it prepared for him *exactly* the way it would have been if she had done nothing. He gets 1/2 kettle of boiled water, exactly the same as if she had not poured out the overnight kettle.

He’s angry because he wants to control things. And retaliates by throwing out her tea.

I hope they don’t have kids.

Living with people like you and OP is utterly exhausting and I feel so incredibly lucky I don't have to deal with you in real life.

What is wrong with you? Lucky that you don’t have to deal with what? Like PP said, OP is leaving the kettle exactly the way the DH would find it if she weren’t in the house. This whole thread is insane.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dumping out your tea? He’s TA.

This man has been taking time every evening to pour out enough water for both of them as a courtesy, and she has been pouring half of it out to meet her needs then filling it up with cold water behind his back. She’s no peach.

No, she says she turns the kettle on when she refills it for him. He’s the one being ridiculous. If she left an empty kettle that would be an issue.

She could just ask him to only fill it halfway at night, instead she dumps water out every day ... to avoid speakign to him?

Nobody needs permission to make themselves a kettle of hot water. Per OP when this happens she is up before him and immediately refills the kettle and heats it up. Her behavior is totally normal and considerate. HIS behavior in retaliating over something that *did not affect him* is toxic and weird as f. I really want to know what other kinds of stuff he does.

It does affect him - he doesn't like to heat up cold water, and he doesn't like her to waste water. She can't just ask him to fill it up only halfway to avoid waste? and put a cup of water out to dump into the kettle room temp after? THey're both nuts, but this is solvable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dumping out your tea? He’s TA.

This man has been taking time every evening to pour out enough water for both of them as a courtesy, and she has been pouring half of it out to meet her needs then filling it up with cold water behind his back. She’s no peach.

No, she says she turns the kettle on when she refills it for him. He’s the one being ridiculous. If she left an empty kettle that would be an issue.

She could just ask him to only fill it halfway at night, instead she dumps water out every day ... to avoid speakign to him?

Nobody needs permission to make themselves a kettle of hot water. Per OP when this happens she is up before him and immediately refills the kettle and heats it up. Her behavior is totally normal and considerate. HIS behavior in retaliating over something that *did not affect him* is toxic and weird as f. I really want to know what other kinds of stuff he does.

I use a kettle every morning. It’s only a couple extra minutes to heat the whole thing. Who engages with their spouse like this because her 4-5 minutes (max) are so precious?

You mean her DH, who is throwing out her tea because she boiled the water the way she prefers and then heats the kettle up for him?

She is being just as passive-aggressive about "only throwing out 11 ounces of water." FFS just heat up the whole kettle and be on your way. These kinds of little spats are such a waste of time and energy. Grow up people.

Absolutely disagree. She’s not being passive aggressive. She got up first and is using the shared appliance the way she prefers, and considerately leaving it prepared for him *exactly* the way it would have been if she had done nothing. He gets 1/2 kettle of boiled water, exactly the same as if she had not poured out the overnight kettle.

He’s angry because he wants to control things. And retaliates by throwing out her tea.

I hope they don’t have kids.

Living with people like you and OP is utterly exhausting and I feel so incredibly lucky I don't have to deal with you in real life.

What is wrong with you? Lucky that you don’t have to deal with what? Like PP said, OP is leaving the kettle exactly the way the DH would find it if she weren’t in the house. This whole thread is insane.

She's filling it with cold water not room temp like he would like

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dumping out your tea? He’s TA.

This man has been taking time every evening to pour out enough water for both of them as a courtesy, and she has been pouring half of it out to meet her needs then filling it up with cold water behind his back. She’s no peach.

No, she says she turns the kettle on when she refills it for him. He’s the one being ridiculous. If she left an empty kettle that would be an issue.

She could just ask him to only fill it halfway at night, instead she dumps water out every day ... to avoid speakign to him?

Nobody needs permission to make themselves a kettle of hot water. Per OP when this happens she is up before him and immediately refills the kettle and heats it up. Her behavior is totally normal and considerate. HIS behavior in retaliating over something that *did not affect him* is toxic and weird as f. I really want to know what other kinds of stuff he does.

I use a kettle every morning. It’s only a couple extra minutes to heat the whole thing. Who engages with their spouse like this because her 4-5 minutes (max) are so precious?

You mean her DH, who is throwing out her tea because she boiled the water the way she prefers and then heats the kettle up for him?

She is being just as passive-aggressive about "only throwing out 11 ounces of water." FFS just heat up the whole kettle and be on your way. These kinds of little spats are such a waste of time and energy. Grow up people.

Absolutely disagree. She’s not being passive aggressive. She got up first and is using the shared appliance the way she prefers, and considerately leaving it prepared for him *exactly* the way it would have been if she had done nothing. He gets 1/2 kettle of boiled water, exactly the same as if she had not poured out the overnight kettle.

He’s angry because he wants to control things. And retaliates by throwing out her tea.

I hope they don’t have kids.

Living with people like you and OP is utterly exhausting and I feel so incredibly lucky I don't have to deal with you in real life.

What is wrong with you? Lucky that you don’t have to deal with what? Like PP said, OP is leaving the kettle exactly the way the DH would find it if she weren’t in the house. This whole thread is insane.

What is wrong with you? I would just head up the whole damn kettle and be on my way. Some things are simply not worth this much mental capital. But hey, it's more important to be "right."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Cold water boils fastest.

Not true.

[Anonymous]

You both seem very immature. If he doesn’t mind reheating the leftover water in the kettle why can’t you just heat the whole thing and use what you need? It truly doesn’t take that much longer for the full kettle to boil.