SIL wants us to "babysit" MIL more

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: Also, yes, I wonder if she's depressed. She takes Tylenol PM every night so she can sleep. I think she has PTSD from finding my FIL dead in the bed. Tonight DH and I talked about the fact that she probably needs counseling.

Yikes. You should probably stop talking. The more you say the worse you sound.

The OP is actually correct, this is likely exactly what is happening.

Yes but she has zero compassion or concern for these issues. If you believe this to be trie why would you be put out that your MIL was so boring and didn’t want to hike?

Because it sounds like op/dh IS trying to get the mil out to do things, and mil refuses. Then SIL is upset that they aren't taking mil out.

It sounds like SIL doesn't want to be stuck at home with MIL every single Sunday for the rest of time. And-- I know this sounds crazy-- but it's possible that MIL would like to spend time with her son.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: Also, yes, I wonder if she's depressed. She takes Tylenol PM every night so she can sleep. I think she has PTSD from finding my FIL dead in the bed. Tonight DH and I talked about the fact that she probably needs counseling.

Yikes. You should probably stop talking. The more you say the worse you sound.

The OP is actually correct, this is likely exactly what is happening.

Yes but she has zero compassion or concern for these issues. If you believe this to be trie why would you be put out that your MIL was so boring and didn’t want to hike?

Because it sounds like op/dh IS trying to get the mil out to do things, and mil refuses. Then SIL is upset that they aren't taking mil out.

OP is not trying to meet her elderly MIL half way. She doesn’t to hike, go on exotic vacations, or do other inappropriate activities. Of course SIL is upset because her brother and OP are being selfish. MIL is lame we don’t want to hang out with her! She’s a 79 yr old widow. Get a clue.

[Anonymous]

Perhaps MIL would be happier and less depressed if her son spent time with her in a way that is enjoyable and realistic, instead of inviting her on trips that are more than she can handle. It's really hurtful to make time with her contingent on energy and mobility that she simply no longer has. Your DH needs to open his eyes and do what is right.

[Anonymous]

Why is SIL talking to you? She should be talking to her brother. He needs to split Sundays with his sister. All you need to do is get out of his way and let him visit his mom. You do not need to be involved in this if you don’t want to be involved. You visit your mom, your husband visits his mom. Problem solved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: MIL is 79. All good suggestions. But the hope is that she'll branch out more and do things with other people, not just us. She should not be sitting around bored during the week when there's a ton for retired people to do. She just takes no initiative. I don't think it's fair for her to depend mostly on her kids for her social needs. Plus, I have my own widowed mother.

You’re the reason that those of us with sons dread getting older. There’s no reason why your husband, her SON, can’t alternate Sundays with his sister. That will give you all those Sundays to be with your own mother after all. Also, she doesn’t like your hobbies- she likes hers. She’s almost 80. Where is your grace and compassion?
(If you have sons, may karma come kick your a$$ later in life)

This is cruel. Why are you blaming OP and not her husband? Sons should be accountable for spending times with their families. OP isn’t telling her husband not to visit his mom. OP shouldn’t even be involved. This discussion should be between SIL and her brother.

[Anonymous]

DH should step up, but SIL should also not spend every Sunday with her -- she can either sit by herself and mope, or find something to do.

My mother is 83 and lives by herself - she goes to chair yoga, plays cards multiple times a week, and church. One activity a day is more than enough for her. Too much actually - she complains about having too many social activities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH should step up, but SIL should also not spend every Sunday with her -- she can either sit by herself and mope, or find something to do.

My mother is 83 and lives by herself - she goes to chair yoga, plays cards multiple times a week, and church. One activity a day is more than enough for her. Too much actually - she complains about having too many social activities.

This. SIL needs some boundaries, but DH needs to get a clue and step up. One visit a month is not too much for a widow to ask of her son!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: Also, yes, I wonder if she's depressed. She takes Tylenol PM every night so she can sleep. I think she has PTSD from finding my FIL dead in the bed. Tonight DH and I talked about the fact that she probably needs counseling.

Yikes. You should probably stop talking. The more you say the worse you sound.

The OP is actually correct, this is likely exactly what is happening.

Yes but she has zero compassion or concern for these issues. If you believe this to be trie why would you be put out that your MIL was so boring and didn’t want to hike?

Because it sounds like op/dh IS trying to get the mil out to do things, and mil refuses. Then SIL is upset that they aren't taking mil out.

OP is not trying to meet her elderly MIL half way. She doesn’t to hike, go on exotic vacations, or do other inappropriate activities. Of course SIL is upset because her brother and OP are being selfish. MIL is lame we don’t want to hang out with her! She’s a 79 yr old widow. Get a clue.

I have a clue, thanks. OP said the MIL complains of boredom, but won't 'actually' do anything suggested to her. OP/dh can't solve this. SIL wants OP/dh to solve this, but it's not possible-only the MIL can choose what she is going to do.

I won't be rude and say 'get a clue' to you, pp, but....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: Also, yes, I wonder if she's depressed. She takes Tylenol PM every night so she can sleep. I think she has PTSD from finding my FIL dead in the bed. Tonight DH and I talked about the fact that she probably needs counseling.

Yikes. You should probably stop talking. The more you say the worse you sound.

The OP is actually correct, this is likely exactly what is happening.

Yes but she has zero compassion or concern for these issues. If you believe this to be trie why would you be put out that your MIL was so boring and didn’t want to hike?

Because it sounds like op/dh IS trying to get the mil out to do things, and mil refuses. Then SIL is upset that they aren't taking mil out.

OP is not trying to meet her elderly MIL half way. She doesn’t to hike, go on exotic vacations, or do other inappropriate activities. Of course SIL is upset because her brother and OP are being selfish. MIL is lame we don’t want to hang out with her! She’s a 79 yr old widow. Get a clue.

I have a clue, thanks. OP said the MIL complains of boredom, but won't 'actually' do anything suggested to her. OP/dh can't solve this. SIL wants OP/dh to solve this, but it's not possible-only the MIL can choose what she is going to do.

I won't be rude and say 'get a clue' to you, pp, but....

Is it possible, though, that MIL wants to spend time with her son?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: Also, yes, I wonder if she's depressed. She takes Tylenol PM every night so she can sleep. I think she has PTSD from finding my FIL dead in the bed. Tonight DH and I talked about the fact that she probably needs counseling.

Yikes. You should probably stop talking. The more you say the worse you sound.

The OP is actually correct, this is likely exactly what is happening.

Yes but she has zero compassion or concern for these issues. If you believe this to be trie why would you be put out that your MIL was so boring and didn’t want to hike?

Because it sounds like op/dh IS trying to get the mil out to do things, and mil refuses. Then SIL is upset that they aren't taking mil out.

OP is not trying to meet her elderly MIL half way. She doesn’t to hike, go on exotic vacations, or do other inappropriate activities. Of course SIL is upset because her brother and OP are being selfish. MIL is lame we don’t want to hang out with her! She’s a 79 yr old widow. Get a clue.

I have a clue, thanks. OP said the MIL complains of boredom, but won't 'actually' do anything suggested to her. OP/dh can't solve this. SIL wants OP/dh to solve this, but it's not possible-only the MIL can choose what she is going to do.

I won't be rude and say 'get a clue' to you, pp, but....

Is it possible, though, that MIL wants to spend time with her son?

It is, and this is a conversation that MIL and DH should have. It's not really up to the OP or the SIL.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like this MiL doesn’t want to go do fun things. That’s fine. OP’s DH should make so time to just go sit with her for a few hours a week. Maybe they talk about her doctors appointments. Maybe they Google stalk people she went to HS with (my mom loves this!). Maybe they watch Fox News together and he bites his tongue. Maybe he makes her a lunch and straightens up. In some ways, it helps to think of old people like toddlers. Think of it was the equivalent of playing an hour straight of chutes and ladders. Sometimes you just have to meet them where they are and do what they are comfortable with.
I feel like he can give up a couple hours a month to do this. My brothers trade off and go to my mom’s once or twice per week, and I call every week and talk for an hour or so about whatever. That’s the job—just being present.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: Also, yes, I wonder if she's depressed. She takes Tylenol PM every night so she can sleep. I think she has PTSD from finding my FIL dead in the bed. Tonight DH and I talked about the fact that she probably needs counseling.

Yikes. You should probably stop talking. The more you say the worse you sound.

The OP is actually correct, this is likely exactly what is happening.

Yes but she has zero compassion or concern for these issues. If you believe this to be trie why would you be put out that your MIL was so boring and didn’t want to hike?

Because it sounds like op/dh IS trying to get the mil out to do things, and mil refuses. Then SIL is upset that they aren't taking mil out.

OP is not trying to meet her elderly MIL half way. She doesn’t to hike, go on exotic vacations, or do other inappropriate activities. Of course SIL is upset because her brother and OP are being selfish. MIL is lame we don’t want to hang out with her! She’s a 79 yr old widow. Get a clue.

I have a clue, thanks. OP said the MIL complains of boredom, but won't 'actually' do anything suggested to her. OP/dh can't solve this. SIL wants OP/dh to solve this, but it's not possible-only the MIL can choose what she is going to do.

I won't be rude and say 'get a clue' to you, pp, but....

That OP is complaining about all this suggests she is very much part of the problem. She could just leave it to her husband but she doesn’t. Because elderly MIL is a bore. Wah.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: Also, yes, I wonder if she's depressed. She takes Tylenol PM every night so she can sleep. I think she has PTSD from finding my FIL dead in the bed. Tonight DH and I talked about the fact that she probably needs counseling.

Yikes. You should probably stop talking. The more you say the worse you sound.

The OP is actually correct, this is likely exactly what is happening.

Yes but she has zero compassion or concern for these issues. If you believe this to be trie why would you be put out that your MIL was so boring and didn’t want to hike?

Because it sounds like op/dh IS trying to get the mil out to do things, and mil refuses. Then SIL is upset that they aren't taking mil out.

OP is not trying to meet her elderly MIL half way. She doesn’t to hike, go on exotic vacations, or do other inappropriate activities. Of course SIL is upset because her brother and OP are being selfish. MIL is lame we don’t want to hang out with her! She’s a 79 yr old widow. Get a clue.

I have a clue, thanks. OP said the MIL complains of boredom, but won't 'actually' do anything suggested to her. OP/dh can't solve this. SIL wants OP/dh to solve this, but it's not possible-only the MIL can choose what she is going to do.

I won't be rude and say 'get a clue' to you, pp, but....

It's like you have never met an elderly person. This is very typical (not for all, but for a lot). I had a billion elderly relatives (large immigrant families - like 9 kids each side, who had many kids, each). They were all so much fun. Social. Extroverted. And they all ended up like the OPs MIL at some point.

The elderly have mobility issues, cognitive issues, anxiety issues. When you're in AL and recognize that you have little time left on earth. It gets difficult. And for the life of me, with each thread on this forum, I do not understand the disdain for the elderly in this country. Or the understanding that one day that will be YOU.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: Also, yes, I wonder if she's depressed. She takes Tylenol PM every night so she can sleep. I think she has PTSD from finding my FIL dead in the bed. Tonight DH and I talked about the fact that she probably needs counseling.

Yikes. You should probably stop talking. The more you say the worse you sound.

The OP is actually correct, this is likely exactly what is happening.

Yes but she has zero compassion or concern for these issues. If you believe this to be trie why would you be put out that your MIL was so boring and didn’t want to hike?

Because it sounds like op/dh IS trying to get the mil out to do things, and mil refuses. Then SIL is upset that they aren't taking mil out.

OP is not trying to meet her elderly MIL half way. She doesn’t to hike, go on exotic vacations, or do other inappropriate activities. Of course SIL is upset because her brother and OP are being selfish. MIL is lame we don’t want to hang out with her! She’s a 79 yr old widow. Get a clue.

I have a clue, thanks. OP said the MIL complains of boredom, but won't 'actually' do anything suggested to her. OP/dh can't solve this. SIL wants OP/dh to solve this, but it's not possible-only the MIL can choose what she is going to do.

I won't be rude and say 'get a clue' to you, pp, but....

It's like you have never met an elderly person. This is very typical (not for all, but for a lot). I had a billion elderly relatives (large immigrant families - like 9 kids each side, who had many kids, each). They were all so much fun. Social. Extroverted. And they all ended up like the OPs MIL at some point.

The elderly have mobility issues, cognitive issues, anxiety issues. When you're in AL and recognize that you have little time left on earth. It gets difficult. And for the life of me, with each thread on this forum, I do not understand the disdain for the elderly in this country. Or the understanding that one day that will be YOU.

You're right, I've NEVER met an elderly person! I'm not from a big immigrant family. Only people from family JUST like yours have ever met an elderly person. Only people with your exact life experience are able to comment on the elderly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like this MiL doesn’t want to go do fun things. That’s fine. OP’s DH should make so time to just go sit with her for a few hours a week. Maybe they talk about her doctors appointments. Maybe they Google stalk people she went to HS with (my mom loves this!). Maybe they watch Fox News together and he bites his tongue. Maybe he makes her a lunch and straightens up. In some ways, it helps to think of old people like toddlers. Think of it was the equivalent of playing an hour straight of chutes and ladders. Sometimes you just have to meet them where they are and do what they are comfortable with.
I feel like he can give up a couple hours a month to do this. My brothers trade off and go to my mom’s once or twice per week, and I call every week and talk for an hour or so about whatever. That’s the job—just being present.

Well stated. Our mom was pretty difficult, so I would take projects when we visited, e.g., 300-piece puzzles. She really couldn't solve it, but we would divide the pieces into piles, I'd slowly assemble, and occasionally push the remaining piece for a near completed section to her, and she would sometimes nail it. I'd also ask her about her childhood, even if I had heard the stories before my kids had not, and she enjoyed it. I'd also take the local paper and give her a section. She would page through it and I would intermittently read snippets of stories to her that I knew she would find of interest.

Always grateful that my husband and our children never complained or clock watched on these visits.