SIL wants us to "babysit" MIL more

[Anonymous]

Look SIL doesn’t get to dictate how you spend your time. She is 100% free to decide not to spend every Sunday with her mother. She has established this expectation by hosting her every Sunday but doesn’t want to own up that she doesn’t want to do it as frequently. It would be far easier in SIL’s mind that she just demand that you and her brother split the burden that she created. Nope, nope, nope.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Encourage DH to do things solo with his mother.
Lunches, Dinners, picking things up at Walmart or the drug store etc

He does not have to spend large chunks of time. Consider an hour or 90 minutes each visit.

SIL appears to be getting really burnt out and she needs the support.

Yes!
My MIL is extremely boring too, OP. That doesn't mean she has to waste away alone. And it doesn't mean she's solely for SIL to deal with. Introverted people don't suddenly make a bunch of friends as senior citizens.
So my husband can and does go visit her alone. I know she doesn't care to see me anyway!
You don't need to be there. I feel like you're one of those wives who insists on doing everything together.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:OP: Also, yes, I wonder if she's depressed. She takes Tylenol PM every night so she can sleep. I think she has PTSD from finding my FIL dead in the bed. Tonight DH and I talked about the fact that she probably needs counseling.

Yikes. You should probably stop talking. The more you say the worse you sound.

The OP is actually correct, this is likely exactly what is happening.

Yes but she has zero compassion or concern for these issues. If you believe this to be trie why would you be put out that your MIL was so boring and didn’t want to hike?

Because it sounds like op/dh IS trying to get the mil out to do things, and mil refuses. Then SIL is upset that they aren't taking mil out.

OP is not trying to meet her elderly MIL half way. She doesn’t to hike, go on exotic vacations, or do other inappropriate activities. Of course SIL is upset because her brother and OP are being selfish. MIL is lame we don’t want to hang out with her! She’s a 79 yr old widow. Get a clue.

I have a clue, thanks. OP said the MIL complains of boredom, but won't 'actually' do anything suggested to her. OP/dh can't solve this. SIL wants OP/dh to solve this, but it's not possible-only the MIL can choose what she is going to do.

I won't be rude and say 'get a clue' to you, pp, but....

It's like you have never met an elderly person. This is very typical (not for all, but for a lot). I had a billion elderly relatives (large immigrant families - like 9 kids each side, who had many kids, each). They were all so much fun. Social. Extroverted. And they all ended up like the OPs MIL at some point.

The elderly have mobility issues, cognitive issues, anxiety issues. When you're in AL and recognize that you have little time left on earth. It gets difficult. And for the life of me, with each thread on this forum, I do not understand the disdain for the elderly in this country. Or the understanding that one day that will be YOU.

You're right, I've NEVER met an elderly person! I'm not from a big immigrant family. Only people from family JUST like yours have ever met an elderly person. Only people with your exact life experience are able to comment on the elderly.

That whoosh sound is the point. Which you missed. But if you want to remain deliberately obtuse- fine. But you reap what you sow.

You're the only one who heard a whoosh sound. Just like you're the only one who ever met an elderly person. You are also the one who is deliberately obtuse-other elderly people may not be exactly like the ones in your giant family, and may present different challenges.

An argument that you think you're saying something, but actually saying nothing. Perhaps some self-reflection on your part is needed. All you've done is get seriously offended and rude . . . after you said you wouldn't get rude. Classic.

You need a side of ranch dressing for that word salad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don’t martyr yourself for someone who isn’t trying. If her only hobby at 79 is gambling she is most likely not going to be happy regardless whether her son goes and sits with her on Sundays.

Move her to independent/assisted living where she can play bingo and go downstairs to eat her meals in the dining room with other elderly people.

How about OP just butts out and lets her SIL and husband deal with it? It’s not her job to move someone else’s mom, who she won’t even spend time with, anywhere. Who would trust OP to make an informed or even caring decision about a woman she loathes?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don’t martyr yourself for someone who isn’t trying. If her only hobby at 79 is gambling she is most likely not going to be happy regardless whether her son goes and sits with her on Sundays.

Move her to independent/assisted living where she can play bingo and go downstairs to eat her meals in the dining room with other elderly people.

How about OP just butts out and lets her SIL and husband deal with it? It’s not her job to move someone else’s mom, who she won’t even spend time with, anywhere. Who would trust OP to make an informed or even caring decision about a woman she loathes?

It does involve OP, because it involves dh's family time. OP and dh are a family and like most families, probably have very limited time to do the things their own family needs/wants to do. The MIL doesn't seem to want to do 'anything' with the family, so that means that the family can't do anything if they are with MIL.

[Anonymous]

I love that the OP complains that her 79yo MIL doesn't want to go hiking with them - are you kidding me? How many 79yos go hiking regularly? OP sounds incredibly self-involved. BTW OP the way you treat your parents is the way your kids will treat you when you're older. Good luck with that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don’t martyr yourself for someone who isn’t trying. If her only hobby at 79 is gambling she is most likely not going to be happy regardless whether her son goes and sits with her on Sundays.

Move her to independent/assisted living where she can play bingo and go downstairs to eat her meals in the dining room with other elderly people.

How about OP just butts out and lets her SIL and husband deal with it? It’s not her job to move someone else’s mom, who she won’t even spend time with, anywhere. Who would trust OP to make an informed or even caring decision about a woman she loathes?

It does involve OP, because it involves dh's family time. OP and dh are a family and like most families, probably have very limited time to do the things their own family needs/wants to do. The MIL doesn't seem to want to do 'anything' with the family, so that means that the family can't do anything if they are with MIL.

DP. That's DH's decision how he's going to balance things with his sister or not. If it disrupts the household, that is a conversation to have with OP. What OP shouldn't do is dictate this or be the point of contact for SIL instead of DH taking the lead.

[Anonymous]

I would think MIL is in worse condition, physically or mentally, than OP and her DH want to acknowledge. And that's why it feels like "babysitting" to SIL. SIL is trying to reclaim some of her time, trying to look out for MIL's interest in spending time with OP's DH, and also trying to force OP and DH to see MIL regularly so that they get through their heads that MIL is declining.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don’t martyr yourself for someone who isn’t trying. If her only hobby at 79 is gambling she is most likely not going to be happy regardless whether her son goes and sits with her on Sundays.

Move her to independent/assisted living where she can play bingo and go downstairs to eat her meals in the dining room with other elderly people.

How about OP just butts out and lets her SIL and husband deal with it? It’s not her job to move someone else’s mom, who she won’t even spend time with, anywhere. Who would trust OP to make an informed or even caring decision about a woman she loathes?

OP invited her MIL to their lake house this summer. The MIL could have sat around and enjoyed the view and company. She invited her in their trip to the carribean. MIL could have enjoyed the resort where they stayed.

It shouldn’t be expected someone is going to go sit with her. She is too young to give up and do nothing but gamble once a week. That is a ridiculous hobby and is expensive.