SIL wants us to "babysit" MIL more

[Anonymous]

Can't ya'll do some hikes in her area and then stop by afterwards to take her out to lunch or coffee so that SIL can get some breaks? You don't need to spend an entire day with her. Just meet up for coffee or lunch after your hikes.

Also, If MIL is living independently it is offensive to say you would be "babysitting" her.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:OP: Also, yes, I wonder if she's depressed. She takes Tylenol PM every night so she can sleep. I think she has PTSD from finding my FIL dead in the bed. Tonight DH and I talked about the fact that she probably needs counseling.

Yikes. You should probably stop talking. The more you say the worse you sound.

The OP is actually correct, this is likely exactly what is happening.

Yes but she has zero compassion or concern for these issues. If you believe this to be trie why would you be put out that your MIL was so boring and didn’t want to hike?

Because it sounds like op/dh IS trying to get the mil out to do things, and mil refuses. Then SIL is upset that they aren't taking mil out.

OP is not trying to meet her elderly MIL half way. She doesn’t to hike, go on exotic vacations, or do other inappropriate activities. Of course SIL is upset because her brother and OP are being selfish. MIL is lame we don’t want to hang out with her! She’s a 79 yr old widow. Get a clue.

I have a clue, thanks. OP said the MIL complains of boredom, but won't 'actually' do anything suggested to her. OP/dh can't solve this. SIL wants OP/dh to solve this, but it's not possible-only the MIL can choose what she is going to do.

I won't be rude and say 'get a clue' to you, pp, but....

It's like you have never met an elderly person. This is very typical (not for all, but for a lot). I had a billion elderly relatives (large immigrant families - like 9 kids each side, who had many kids, each). They were all so much fun. Social. Extroverted. And they all ended up like the OPs MIL at some point.

The elderly have mobility issues, cognitive issues, anxiety issues. When you're in AL and recognize that you have little time left on earth. It gets difficult. And for the life of me, with each thread on this forum, I do not understand the disdain for the elderly in this country. Or the understanding that one day that will be YOU.

You're right, I've NEVER met an elderly person! I'm not from a big immigrant family. Only people from family JUST like yours have ever met an elderly person. Only people with your exact life experience are able to comment on the elderly.

That whoosh sound is the point. Which you missed. But if you want to remain deliberately obtuse- fine. But you reap what you sow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: Also, yes, I wonder if she's depressed. She takes Tylenol PM every night so she can sleep. I think she has PTSD from finding my FIL dead in the bed. Tonight DH and I talked about the fact that she probably needs counseling.

Yikes. You should probably stop talking. The more you say the worse you sound.

The OP is actually correct, this is likely exactly what is happening.

Yes but she has zero compassion or concern for these issues. If you believe this to be trie why would you be put out that your MIL was so boring and didn’t want to hike?

Because it sounds like op/dh IS trying to get the mil out to do things, and mil refuses. Then SIL is upset that they aren't taking mil out.

OP is not trying to meet her elderly MIL half way. She doesn’t to hike, go on exotic vacations, or do other inappropriate activities. Of course SIL is upset because her brother and OP are being selfish. MIL is lame we don’t want to hang out with her! She’s a 79 yr old widow. Get a clue.

I have a clue, thanks. OP said the MIL complains of boredom, but won't 'actually' do anything suggested to her. OP/dh can't solve this. SIL wants OP/dh to solve this, but it's not possible-only the MIL can choose what she is going to do.

I won't be rude and say 'get a clue' to you, pp, but....

It's like you have never met an elderly person. This is very typical (not for all, but for a lot). I had a billion elderly relatives (large immigrant families - like 9 kids each side, who had many kids, each). They were all so much fun. Social. Extroverted. And they all ended up like the OPs MIL at some point.

The elderly have mobility issues, cognitive issues, anxiety issues. When you're in AL and recognize that you have little time left on earth. It gets difficult. And for the life of me, with each thread on this forum, I do not understand the disdain for the elderly in this country. Or the understanding that one day that will be YOU.

You're right, I've NEVER met an elderly person! I'm not from a big immigrant family. Only people from family JUST like yours have ever met an elderly person. Only people with your exact life experience are able to comment on the elderly.

That whoosh sound is the point. Which you missed. But if you want to remain deliberately obtuse- fine. But you reap what you sow.

You're the only one who heard a whoosh sound. Just like you're the only one who ever met an elderly person. You are also the one who is deliberately obtuse-other elderly people may not be exactly like the ones in your giant family, and may present different challenges.

[Anonymous]

Op, not sure if you and your husband are clueless or thoughtless, but it’s normal that some almost 80 years to not like to hike or go to the Caribbean. I am a healthy fit 40 something lots of interests and I wouldn’t want to do those things either.

Your husband should be stepping up and doing something with her at least once a month if not two if your sil has the other weeks. Watch an old movie, do a puzzle, go to the botanical gardens, take her for brunch-whatever! Just stop being clueless and/or unkind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: MIL is 79. All good suggestions. But the hope is that she'll branch out more and do things with other people, not just us. She should not be sitting around bored during the week when there's a ton for retired people to do. She just takes no initiative. I don't think it's fair for her to depend mostly on her kids for her social needs. Plus, I have my own widowed mother.

You’re the reason that those of us with sons dread getting older. There’s no reason why your husband, her SON, can’t alternate Sundays with his sister. That will give you all those Sundays to be with your own mother after all. Also, she doesn’t like your hobbies- she likes hers. She’s almost 80. Where is your grace and compassion?
(If you have sons, may karma come kick your a$$ later in life)

No, she lives in a community. She has plenty of opportunities to "not be bored". It shouldn't fall on family to entertain her several days a week.

Agreed. If SIL is burnt out by every sunday visit, she is welcome to cut back. That doesn't mean anyone else has to do anything different.

I'd also tell SIL that she should speak to her brother, the other child of MIL. Just because you are a woman it should not automatically be your responsibility to care for her. A vagina is not required for this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: Also, yes, I wonder if she's depressed. She takes Tylenol PM every night so she can sleep. I think she has PTSD from finding my FIL dead in the bed. Tonight DH and I talked about the fact that she probably needs counseling.

I can tell you she’ll find a myriad reasons not to go to counseling/take antidepressants. I mean, don’t have high hopes for all this.

NP here. I also think this will happen. My own mom is 78 and recently widowed. I have been trying to get her to take the counseling 'free' offered by the hospice. My dc and I did! She refuses. She doesn't want to do much, although I do try to get her out regularly (I see her daily). I'm 100% certain my dad would not have wanted her to hole up in the house the rest of her life.

I also think OP is getting treated a bit harshly here. She has her own mother to consider, and presumably kids and a job. It's not realistic to expect her to have to give up half of her family's day off to go sit with someone who won't leave the house. I get that SIL is burned out-but SIL needs to consider that maybe she needs to step back for her own health/sanity. If the MIL is safe and healthy, then she can sit in her house if that's all she wants to do.

You put this better than I did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: MIL is 79. All good suggestions. But the hope is that she'll branch out more and do things with other people, not just us. She should not be sitting around bored during the week when there's a ton for retired people to do. She just takes no initiative. I don't think it's fair for her to depend mostly on her kids for her social needs. Plus, I have my own widowed mother.

You’re the reason that those of us with sons dread getting older. There’s no reason why your husband, her SON, can’t alternate Sundays with his sister. That will give you all those Sundays to be with your own mother after all. Also, she doesn’t like your hobbies- she likes hers. She’s almost 80. Where is your grace and compassion?
(If you have sons, may karma come kick your a$$ later in life)

No, she lives in a community. She has plenty of opportunities to "not be bored". It shouldn't fall on family to entertain her several days a week.

Agreed. If SIL is burnt out by every sunday visit, she is welcome to cut back. That doesn't mean anyone else has to do anything different.

I'd also tell SIL that she should speak to her brother, the other child of MIL. Just because you are a woman it should not automatically be your responsibility to care for her. A vagina is not required for this.

Clearly SIL does talk to brother. Because OP is whining that she is asking “them” to do these things. Not her. If it was coming directly to OP she’d be very clear that it was a request to her. OP doesn’t want to do these things and she doesn’t want her husband to them either apparently unless spending time is done exactly how they want to spend that time. MIL either comes along for the ride or stays home. OP should just let her husband spend the time and sit out. I doubt this is about getting OP to spent more time with her MIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: Also, yes, I wonder if she's depressed. She takes Tylenol PM every night so she can sleep. I think she has PTSD from finding my FIL dead in the bed. Tonight DH and I talked about the fact that she probably needs counseling.

Yikes. You should probably stop talking. The more you say the worse you sound.

The OP is actually correct, this is likely exactly what is happening.

Yes but she has zero compassion or concern for these issues. If you believe this to be trie why would you be put out that your MIL was so boring and didn’t want to hike?

Because it sounds like op/dh IS trying to get the mil out to do things, and mil refuses. Then SIL is upset that they aren't taking mil out.

OP is not trying to meet her elderly MIL half way. She doesn’t to hike, go on exotic vacations, or do other inappropriate activities. Of course SIL is upset because her brother and OP are being selfish. MIL is lame we don’t want to hang out with her! She’s a 79 yr old widow. Get a clue.

I have a clue, thanks. OP said the MIL complains of boredom, but won't 'actually' do anything suggested to her. OP/dh can't solve this. SIL wants OP/dh to solve this, but it's not possible-only the MIL can choose what she is going to do.

I won't be rude and say 'get a clue' to you, pp, but....

It's like you have never met an elderly person. This is very typical (not for all, but for a lot). I had a billion elderly relatives (large immigrant families - like 9 kids each side, who had many kids, each). They were all so much fun. Social. Extroverted. And they all ended up like the OPs MIL at some point.

The elderly have mobility issues, cognitive issues, anxiety issues. When you're in AL and recognize that you have little time left on earth. It gets difficult. And for the life of me, with each thread on this forum, I do not understand the disdain for the elderly in this country. Or the understanding that one day that will be YOU.

You're right, I've NEVER met an elderly person! I'm not from a big immigrant family. Only people from family JUST like yours have ever met an elderly person. Only people with your exact life experience are able to comment on the elderly.

That whoosh sound is the point. Which you missed. But if you want to remain deliberately obtuse- fine. But you reap what you sow.

You're the only one who heard a whoosh sound. Just like you're the only one who ever met an elderly person. You are also the one who is deliberately obtuse-other elderly people may not be exactly like the ones in your giant family, and may present different challenges.

An argument that you think you're saying something, but actually saying nothing. Perhaps some self-reflection on your part is needed. All you've done is get seriously offended and rude . . . after you said you wouldn't get rude. Classic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: MIL is 79. All good suggestions. But the hope is that she'll branch out more and do things with other people, not just us. She should not be sitting around bored during the week when there's a ton for retired people to do. She just takes no initiative. I don't think it's fair for her to depend mostly on her kids for her social needs. Plus, I have my own widowed mother.

You’re the reason that those of us with sons dread getting older. There’s no reason why your husband, her SON, can’t alternate Sundays with his sister. That will give you all those Sundays to be with your own mother after all. Also, she doesn’t like your hobbies- she likes hers. She’s almost 80. Where is your grace and compassion?
(If you have sons, may karma come kick your a$$ later in life)

NP. Exactly. What a nightmare DIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: Also, yes, I wonder if she's depressed. She takes Tylenol PM every night so she can sleep. I think she has PTSD from finding my FIL dead in the bed. Tonight DH and I talked about the fact that she probably needs counseling.

Yikes. You should probably stop talking. The more you say the worse you sound.

The OP is actually correct, this is likely exactly what is happening.

Yes but she has zero compassion or concern for these issues. If you believe this to be trie why would you be put out that your MIL was so boring and didn’t want to hike?

Because it sounds like op/dh IS trying to get the mil out to do things, and mil refuses. Then SIL is upset that they aren't taking mil out.

OP is not trying to meet her elderly MIL half way. She doesn’t to hike, go on exotic vacations, or do other inappropriate activities. Of course SIL is upset because her brother and OP are being selfish. MIL is lame we don’t want to hang out with her! She’s a 79 yr old widow. Get a clue.

+1

The Caribbean comment was unreal.

[Anonymous]

OP, how much time each month do you spend on your own mother? You mentioned this was part of your considerations.

[Anonymous]

Don’t martyr yourself for someone who isn’t trying. If her only hobby at 79 is gambling she is most likely not going to be happy regardless whether her son goes and sits with her on Sundays.

Move her to independent/assisted living where she can play bingo and go downstairs to eat her meals in the dining room with other elderly people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: MIL is 79. All good suggestions. But the hope is that she'll branch out more and do things with other people, not just us. She should not be sitting around bored during the week when there's a ton for retired people to do. She just takes no initiative. I don't think it's fair for her to depend mostly on her kids for her social needs. Plus, I have my own widowed mother.

You’re the reason that those of us with sons dread getting older. There’s no reason why your husband, her SON, can’t alternate Sundays with his sister. That will give you all those Sundays to be with your own mother after all. Also, she doesn’t like your hobbies- she likes hers. She’s almost 80. Where is your grace and compassion?
(If you have sons, may karma come kick your a$$ later in life)

Maybe parents of sons could raise our children to be a little less wedded to gender stereotypes.

I know, it's a radical thought in this #boymom universe, but rumor has it that you can raise sons to have empathy and be nurturing and stuff.

[Anonymous]

Tbh, not sure how it became adult children's job to entertain elderly moms. My grandmas always had their own things to do, their own friends, siblings, and activities. One lived until 97, still active. My mom is like the OP's MIL. No interests, no initiative, no friends, doesn't get along with younger sister, expects kids to entertain her. 80 is not so old, what are you going to do, sit on a couch for 15 years?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: MIL is 79. All good suggestions. But the hope is that she'll branch out more and do things with other people, not just us. She should not be sitting around bored during the week when there's a ton for retired people to do. She just takes no initiative. I don't think it's fair for her to depend mostly on her kids for her social needs. Plus, I have my own widowed mother.

You’re the reason that those of us with sons dread getting older. There’s no reason why your husband, her SON, can’t alternate Sundays with his sister. That will give you all those Sundays to be with your own mother after all. Also, she doesn’t like your hobbies- she likes hers. She’s almost 80. Where is your grace and compassion?
(If you have sons, may karma come kick your a$$ later in life)

God, people who say things like this (or the PP who says the MIL's son's wife is mean) are so ironic. She's supposed to be in charge of what her DH does with his mother?