SIL wants us to "babysit" MIL more

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How old is she? In my experience with elderly relatives, there’s 55+ places, and then there’s CCRC’s which are geared to closer to 80+ people. The CCRC’s have more activities for people with limited mobility. Maybe she needs a change in her housing situation? Does she have financial resources?

I agree with this. A 55+ with a clubhouse might be too “young” for her. Perhaps it is cliquey as well. She may need either a CCRC or an assisted living with even more organized activities and meals in the dining room. A decently run assisted living will at least try a little bit to get her out of her room.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So you think a recently widowed 79 yr old needs to embrace her new life, change, branch out, and take initiative? It’s not like you spend much or any time with her but it’s like you have no experience or understanding of what elderly means and zero compassion. Nice.

We've spent plenty of time with her. We just spent the entire weekend with her at a family event, where she told us (and others) that she watches too much TV because her days are unscheduled. And the other elderly people in my life are all active and engaged, so that's what looks normal to me. Your comment is not called for.

[Anonymous]

My parents, who are younger than your MIL, sit around doing practically nothing. Some people are just like that, OP. Complaining about it is just a habit, it doesn't mean she wants to change.

So don't worry about that part of it, but DO worry about SIL burning out and resenting you and your husband for not doing enough. Take her out more often, for meals and tiny walks in lovely parks where she can sit on a bench and chat with you. Or put her in a wheelchair and go to a museum. Or take her for a nice drive to see fall leaves, or Christmas lights, or whatever it is.

But during the week, she can sit and watch TV.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you think a recently widowed 79 yr old needs to embrace her new life, change, branch out, and take initiative? It’s not like you spend much or any time with her but it’s like you have no experience or understanding of what elderly means and zero compassion. Nice.

We've spent plenty of time with her. We just spent the entire weekend with her at a family event, where she told us (and others) that she watches too much TV because her days are unscheduled. And the other elderly people in my life are all active and engaged, so that's what looks normal to me. Your comment is not called for.

You’re the one who put it on a forum and asked for comments. You’re rigid and lack understanding. We know, you don’t want to hear it but the truth is the truth.

[Anonymous]

Does her place have classes on stuff? Crafts? Bite it and take time off and go with her to some time to help her break into the crowd and not have to go alone with no one to talk to. Chat with the others in the class. Get her integrated into her community.

[Anonymous]

Your MIL’s son sucks and his wife is a mean person.

[Anonymous]

You post with alarming frequency about your MIL

[Anonymous]

OP, your husband, her son, needs to take the lead here. Not you. But you should not stand in his way when he does come up with a plan. Personally, If I don't enjoy her company, no way I would be giving up half of my Sundays to visit and try to engage her though. If I were your husband, I'd commit to visiting her for dinner once a week (after work).

[Anonymous]

We paid somebody $25 an hour for three hours to take her to lunch. It started as once a week and as she got older and we realized she was getting closer to the end of life. We had someone take her out four times a week.

The reason for this was she had money And we felt it was right to use it on her care instead of saving it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you think a recently widowed 79 yr old needs to embrace her new life, change, branch out, and take initiative? It’s not like you spend much or any time with her but it’s like you have no experience or understanding of what elderly means and zero compassion. Nice.

We've spent plenty of time with her. We just spent the entire weekend with her at a family event, where she told us (and others) that she watches too much TV because her days are unscheduled. And the other elderly people in my life are all active and engaged, so that's what looks normal to me. Your comment is not called for.

You’re not going to get hair pats when you come across so badly. People are reacting to what you’re saying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You post with alarming frequency about your MIL

+1. You are a bit obsessed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You post with alarming frequency about your MIL

+1. You are a bit obsessed.

I think she keeps reframing slightly in hopes of getting a better response. She doesn't want to do anything. And it will only get worse from here.

Why not do a standing Thursday dinner together?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, your husband, her son, needs to take the lead here. Not you. But you should not stand in his way when he does come up with a plan. Personally, If I don't enjoy her company, no way I would be giving up half of my Sundays to visit and try to engage her though. If I were your husband, I'd commit to visiting her for dinner once a week (after work).

+1 Your husband needs to step up. The fact that you prefer to hike but your MIL isn't in enough shape for that isn't a good excuse--he can find something else to do with her. Also, not sure if you're trolling, but just because the other elderly people in your life are in good shape and don't have these issues, doesn't mean that your MIL will be too. A lot of older people don't like travelling as they get older and prefer to stay close to home---you may have a lake house and a Caribbean getaway but it's not what MIL feels comfortable with now that she's aged. I sincerely doubt that you're going to get an older woman to suddenly make lots of friends if she hasn't done so in prior years.

You can modify your interests to spend time with the people you love. Let him figure out an activity he can do with her. SIL has his mom weekly. He can at least go visit her monthly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We paid somebody $25 an hour for three hours to take her to lunch. It started as once a week and as she got older and we realized she was getting closer to the end of life. We had someone take her out four times a week.

The reason for this was she had money And we felt it was right to use it on her care instead of saving it.

+1 Your DH should figure out what makes your MIL happy. And throw money at the problem if he isn't willing to do it.

[Anonymous]

Encourage your DH to do the right thing and spend more time with her. Go on your hikes alone if you dislike her so much