SIL wants us to "babysit" MIL more

[Anonymous]

My MIL was widowed three years ago. She lives in a 55+ community with a clubhouse. She does know a few people and participates in a few organized activities, but she has days where she just sits and watches TV all day because she's bored. She complains about this, but doesn't seem motivated to change. She doesn't have any hobbies except gambling, which she does once a week. She spends every Sunday hanging out at my SIL's house.

SIL asked us to invite MIL to do stuff so she doesn't have to "babysit" her so much during her free time. I get that she's frustrated. MIL lives a lot closer to SIL than to us, and she's has a closer relationship with her than with DH. Also, we don't share a lot of interests with her. We like to hike and walk, and she has knee problems. We invited her this past summer to our rented lake house, and she declined. We invited her to the Caribbean with us this winter, and she declined. She likes her own space and doesn't like change. So what can we do with her, other than meet up for the occasional lunch? And how can all of us gently encourage her to get to know other women?

[Anonymous]

How far away do you live relative to your SIL?

[Anonymous]

Maybe drive up to see her once a month and take her and a friend (if she wants) out to lunch.

[Anonymous]

Can you and SIL take MIL on alternative Sundays?

[Anonymous]

How old is your MIL? 55+ doesn't tell us a lot.

How does she get to your SIL's house?

[Anonymous]

I do think you should entertain her for a day at least once or twice a month so your SIL gets a break. Brings some cards, Scrabble board, or even some DVDs and a player if she likes to watch movies and shows. Does she like crafting? Maybe do some craft kits with her such as needlepoint, knitting, or paint by number.

[Anonymous]

How is this anything like babysitting? No care would be provided. Just visit with her once in awhile. Of course she’s not going to go hiking with you but you don’t do that 7 days a week either so compromise a little.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can you and SIL take MIL on alternative Sundays?

I think this is what SIL is hinting at!
-np

[Anonymous]

First, is it possible she is depressed or has a medical issue? If it's been a while, a thorough check up with blood work might be in order, or perhaps a discussion with a mental health professional.

If that's all good, keep in mind she's a grown up, not a child, so there might not be anything you can do to help her if she doesn't want to change. If SIL is tired of having her hang around, she needs to set some boundaries about what she can and cannot do. It is possible that her mother is perfectly happy with the current situation and will only change if SIL stops filling in the gaps.

Also, are there other activities she could do? Are there hobbies she might enjoy? If she doesn't have close friends in her community maybe she would like for someone to come with her to some new activities (your DH, SIL, or you if you are willing) until she is comfortable. Do you have access to the schedule of her community to get some ideas? Or you could look up other senior center activities in the area.

[Anonymous]

OP: MIL is 79. All good suggestions. But the hope is that she'll branch out more and do things with other people, not just us. She should not be sitting around bored during the week when there's a ton for retired people to do. She just takes no initiative. I don't think it's fair for her to depend mostly on her kids for her social needs. Plus, I have my own widowed mother.

[Anonymous]

How old is she? In my experience with elderly relatives, there’s 55+ places, and then there’s CCRC’s which are geared to closer to 80+ people. The CCRC’s have more activities for people with limited mobility. Maybe she needs a change in her housing situation? Does she have financial resources?

[Anonymous]

So you think a recently widowed 79 yr old needs to embrace her new life, change, branch out, and take initiative? It’s not like you spend much or any time with her but it’s like you have no experience or understanding of what elderly means and zero compassion. Nice.

[Anonymous]

OP: Also, yes, I wonder if she's depressed. She takes Tylenol PM every night so she can sleep. I think she has PTSD from finding my FIL dead in the bed. Tonight DH and I talked about the fact that she probably needs counseling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP: MIL is 79. All good suggestions. But the hope is that she'll branch out more and do things with other people, not just us. She should not be sitting around bored during the week when there's a ton for retired people to do. She just takes no initiative. I don't think it's fair for her to depend mostly on her kids for her social needs. Plus, I have my own widowed mother.

You’re the reason that those of us with sons dread getting older. There’s no reason why your husband, her SON, can’t alternate Sundays with his sister. That will give you all those Sundays to be with your own mother after all. Also, she doesn’t like your hobbies- she likes hers. She’s almost 80. Where is your grace and compassion?
(If you have sons, may karma come kick your a$$ later in life)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP: Also, yes, I wonder if she's depressed. She takes Tylenol PM every night so she can sleep. I think she has PTSD from finding my FIL dead in the bed. Tonight DH and I talked about the fact that she probably needs counseling.

Yikes. You should probably stop talking. The more you say the worse you sound.