Onlies born to older parents- seems unfair now

[Anonymous]

Haven't read the whole thread but here's my two cents:

I was grateful for my siblings when my mom and dad passed. It was so much better to have other people to rely on.

But I could only manage to have one child when the time came. Two would have been overwhelming. Later I was sorry I hadn't given her a sibling specifically because of my experience when my parents passed.

OTOH, she's very involved in 12 step programs and has an amazing community that is larger and stronger than having a sibling. I think when the time comes for me and DH to decline that she will have plenty of help from good friends.

[Anonymous]

I'm an only. Yes, it was hard when parent was failing, but I also got everything. No siblings to squabble over inheritance. I have seen that with other people's families, and I'd rather go it alone. People are so greedy.

[Anonymous]

My brother fights us sisters when it comes to mom’s care. He appears to want her to decline quickly so he can inherit her money. It is hideous to watch. She broke her hip and
He was like “do we have to treat her? Does she have to go to the hospital?”
I am seriously starting to think he may be a sociopath.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a paid caregiver and over the decade I've done this work I've seen many families where one child shoulders the vast majority of the burden of eldercare of parents while the other siblings criticize.

Very few families have an ideal dynamic where everyone chips in equitably.

I find that surprising. I know many nurses, including hospice caregivers, and yes, of course there can be family issues- every family has some warts- but it is rare that they say that people aren’t grateful for family in times of crisis, especially at the end. There seem to be a large number of dysfunctional families on here. Perhaps the people who post on here are a self selected group, but I don’t know people like this irl.

"Grateful for family" and "grateful for siblings that help and make the senior care phase easier" are two different things. Both my parents have/had dysfunctional siblings. If you asked my parents "are you grateful for your family?" they would say yes without hesitation. They would even say they loved their siblings despite various abuses over a lifetime.

But as far as this thread's topic goes, their siblings did not help in the least when it came to caring for my grandparents, and in some cases made it more difficult. Their siblings did not offer support emotionally, physically, or financially. They created drama, they were needy as always, and they made a difficult time even worse. As for "grateful for family in times of crisis," I would say my parents relied on each other, my brother and I, and a couple extended family members like nieces and cousins.

Of the families in my immediate friend/family circle, the majority have neutral experiences when it comes to caring for elderly parents. One sibling usually shoulders most of it, and the others help out a little and at least don't complain or makes things worse. Then 25% are negative where the siblings are problematic and make things worse or completely checkout and don't help at all. And then there are 25% where the siblings are actually supportive and help each other and bear the burden equally.

I daresay even that is skewed a little optimistically.

The people I know are grateful for their siblings help during crisis. Of course it’s common that one child does more, not always but at times, but to point out, navigating conflict with people/family is also extremely normal and healthy, and an important life skill. And overall, having sibling and family bonds is preferable/beneficial and it’s hard to find a study that doesn’t support this, despite the anecdotal stories on here of people with gripes they’ve heard about. Again, this post is likely a somewhat self selected group of people who have some social/relationship functioning deficiencies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a paid caregiver and over the decade I've done this work I've seen many families where one child shoulders the vast majority of the burden of eldercare of parents while the other siblings criticize.

Very few families have an ideal dynamic where everyone chips in equitably.

This is true, but for us, it falls on the sibling who lives the closest with no younger children, and who are single. Both my spouse and I have more than one sibling, and in both cases, the sibling who takes care of our elderly parents is and has been the sibling who lives the closest to them, and they also are either childless or have an adult child. We have stated that these siblings should get more of the estate when the parents pass.

We are all super grateful for our siblings, and we do try to pitch in when we can. We live far away from our parents.

When we had DC#1, we thought it was going to be one and done, but the more I thought about it, the more sad I was for my DC who would grow up without a sibling and have to shoulder the burden of looking out for us when we got older.

And as a friend once said to me, "You have to have another, because who else would understand and commiserate about how crazy your parents are but a sibling".

Of course, there are no guarantees in life, but if you don't have a sibling, then 100% the only child will have to shoulder that burden alone.

This. And of course there are outliers- people who could only have one and people with truly terrible siblings- but the fact is that most siblings are not all bad, despite the anecdotal stories here, and it is far preferable and healthy and normal to learn how to navigate sibling and family relationships. It saddens me how supposedly educated people don’t appreciate the importance of family, and that doesn’t make me MAGA or pro JD Vance. Seeing people post here shows me how a good swath of the county might find ‘coastal elites’ out of touch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a paid caregiver and over the decade I've done this work I've seen many families where one child shoulders the vast majority of the burden of eldercare of parents while the other siblings criticize.

Very few families have an ideal dynamic where everyone chips in equitably.

I find that surprising. I know many nurses, including hospice caregivers, and yes, of course there can be family issues- every family has some warts- but it is rare that they say that people aren’t grateful for family in times of crisis, especially at the end. There seem to be a large number of dysfunctional families on here. Perhaps the people who post on here are a self selected group, but I don’t know people like this irl.

"Grateful for family" and "grateful for siblings that help and make the senior care phase easier" are two different things. Both my parents have/had dysfunctional siblings. If you asked my parents "are you grateful for your family?" they would say yes without hesitation. They would even say they loved their siblings despite various abuses over a lifetime.

But as far as this thread's topic goes, their siblings did not help in the least when it came to caring for my grandparents, and in some cases made it more difficult. Their siblings did not offer support emotionally, physically, or financially. They created drama, they were needy as always, and they made a difficult time even worse. As for "grateful for family in times of crisis," I would say my parents relied on each other, my brother and I, and a couple extended family members like nieces and cousins.

Of the families in my immediate friend/family circle, the majority have neutral experiences when it comes to caring for elderly parents. One sibling usually shoulders most of it, and the others help out a little and at least don't complain or makes things worse. Then 25% are negative where the siblings are problematic and make things worse or completely checkout and don't help at all. And then there are 25% where the siblings are actually supportive and help each other and bear the burden equally.

I daresay even that is skewed a little optimistically.

The people I know are grateful for their siblings help during crisis. Of course it’s common that one child does more, not always but at times, but to point out, navigating conflict with people/family is also extremely normal and healthy, and an important life skill. And overall, having sibling and family bonds is preferable/beneficial and it’s hard to find a study that doesn’t support this, despite the anecdotal stories on here of people with gripes they’ve heard about. Again, this post is likely a somewhat self selected group of people who have some social/relationship functioning deficiencies.

Where is the research that shows having a sibling is associated with better life outcomes?

https://www.nytimes.com/2020/04/27/parenting/only-child-siblings-emily-oster.html

[Anonymous]

The 3 daughters movie captures sibling dynamics for lots of families in final days of parents. Don’t think it would change minds of anyone posted here. The pro-more siblings would watch and see the parts to conclude good the sisters had each other and the pro-no siblings would watch and say that’s what want to avoid.

[Anonymous]

I'm not an only, but my sibling and I haven't spoken in a decade. You aren't guaranteed a partner.

[Anonymous]

…. if you only have one child, you are guaranteeing your child won’t have a partner or the growth that comes from sibling and family relationships

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a paid caregiver and over the decade I've done this work I've seen many families where one child shoulders the vast majority of the burden of eldercare of parents while the other siblings criticize.

Very few families have an ideal dynamic where everyone chips in equitably.

I find that surprising. I know many nurses, including hospice caregivers, and yes, of course there can be family issues- every family has some warts- but it is rare that they say that people aren’t grateful for family in times of crisis, especially at the end. There seem to be a large number of dysfunctional families on here. Perhaps the people who post on here are a self selected group, but I don’t know people like this irl.

"Grateful for family" and "grateful for siblings that help and make the senior care phase easier" are two different things. Both my parents have/had dysfunctional siblings. If you asked my parents "are you grateful for your family?" they would say yes without hesitation. They would even say they loved their siblings despite various abuses over a lifetime.

But as far as this thread's topic goes, their siblings did not help in the least when it came to caring for my grandparents, and in some cases made it more difficult. Their siblings did not offer support emotionally, physically, or financially. They created drama, they were needy as always, and they made a difficult time even worse. As for "grateful for family in times of crisis," I would say my parents relied on each other, my brother and I, and a couple extended family members like nieces and cousins.

Of the families in my immediate friend/family circle, the majority have neutral experiences when it comes to caring for elderly parents. One sibling usually shoulders most of it, and the others help out a little and at least don't complain or makes things worse. Then 25% are negative where the siblings are problematic and make things worse or completely checkout and don't help at all. And then there are 25% where the siblings are actually supportive and help each other and bear the burden equally.

I daresay even that is skewed a little optimistically.

The people I know are grateful for their siblings help during crisis. Of course it’s common that one child does more, not always but at times, but to point out, navigating conflict with people/family is also extremely normal and healthy, and an important life skill. And overall, having sibling and family bonds is preferable/beneficial and it’s hard to find a study that doesn’t support this, despite the anecdotal stories on here of people with gripes they’ve heard about. Again, this post is likely a somewhat self selected group of people who have some social/relationship functioning deficiencies.

Where is the research that shows having a sibling is associated with better life outcomes?

https://www.nytimes.com/2020/04/27/parenting/only-child-siblings-emily-oster.html

You need research for this?
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5954612/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not an only, but my sibling and I haven't spoken in a decade. You aren't guaranteed a partner.

Many people post complaining about their parents and conflict, stress, obligations, etc. But I’m sure no one would claim that children/adults shouldn’t have parents. To claim that having no siblings is best bc there are anecdotes of sibling conflict is absurd

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not an only, but my sibling and I haven't spoken in a decade. You aren't guaranteed a partner.

Many people post complaining about their parents and conflict, stress, obligations, etc. But I’m sure no one would claim that children/adults shouldn’t have parents. To claim that having no siblings is best bc there are anecdotes of sibling conflict is absurd

No one is saying that no siblings is best (except for maybe one or two extreme PPs). They're saying that you shouldn't have multiple children to be "fair" (using OP's own words) for later difficulties in life.

You often hear people say "don't you want to give your daughter a friend?" or "you should have multiple children so they can share the burden of your old age" and things like that. That's what people are refuting. They are pointing out that the real world does not guarantee butterflies and sunshine. OP trolled about it being "unfair" to onlies, so people are pointing out that there are positive aspects too.

[Anonymous]

Truth is, it's rare for siblings to equally or equitably split caregiving responsibilities. To operate effectively, you need to have a lead. Just how it is.

Better to be an only child caregiver than have siblings that obstruct or make caregiving more difficult. Family can get downright mean in these situations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The 3 daughters movie captures sibling dynamics for lots of families in final days of parents. Don’t think it would change minds of anyone posted here. The pro-more siblings would watch and see the parts to conclude good the sisters had each other and the pro-no siblings would watch and say that’s what want to avoid.

Agreed that movie is interesting in this respect. And my takeaway is that grief is messy and individual and you can't "game" it.

All of the sisters in that movie had lost a parent previously (their mothers) and it sounded like they had not really been there for each other when that happened. They were younger and their dad was alive and he was really grieving so dynamics were different. Also one of the sisters was abandoned by her bio dad which is a different kind of grief that the other two don't get at all. So she's alone in that grief and in her unique relationship to their shared father even though she also "has" her sisters.

It's also notable to me that all of the sisters have significant others and you see them all reaching out to these people with various levels of support. And because of the focus of the movie you don't see the relationship between the two married sisters and their husbands who never appear. For some people your partners is the main source of support. For others they aren't. It depends on everyone's relationship and personality. In the movie it seems like the husbands really have their hands full with their children while the sisters are with their dad -- families are complicated and sometimes the person grieving the loss of a parent is not the one with the highest level of need if there are young kids or others who just require a lot of support.

What I have concluded as both a child and a parent (and a DIL and SIL) is that the best way to prepare your kids for the grief of your own passing is to create loving relationships between everyone to the degree that you can and encourage empathy and forgiveness and flexibility. These are the qualities that seem to be most helpful whether someone is an only or has siblings. The situation always sucks so it's about having skills and characteristics that help you get through a sucky situation as well as you can. That doesn't really have anything to do with siblings. It's not the most relevant thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Truth is, it's rare for siblings to equally or equitably split caregiving responsibilities. To operate effectively, you need to have a lead. Just how it is.

Better to be an only child caregiver than have siblings that obstruct or make caregiving more difficult. Family can get downright mean in these situations.

Agree. I'd rather have it all on me than fight with a sibling over it. It would be great to have siblings where everyone is just supportive and helps each other but I think what happens more often is that either some siblings are strong and support the others or everyone just fights or everyone just gets support elsewhere because they can't get it from each other for whatever reason. I'd rather be an only than any of those situations even if in an ideal world I'd have a sibling who just totally got it and we were there for each other.