Onlies born to older parents- seems unfair now

[Anonymous]

I have several siblings. My husband is an only child. All four of our parents have passed. We have managed. Yes the journey is very different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I get what you're saying BUT there are so many posts on this forum about people complaining about their siblings who do nothing. So it's great when you have a sibling who is involved. It is probably more infuriating when you have a sibling who isn't.

You also see people complaining about siblings who are involved but want to do things their way. There are also a million ways for inequity to create conflict and resentment. Like you'll have one sibling who relied more heavily on the parents for help when the parents were young but then who feels "stuck" with elder care. When that sibling asks for help from others all these resentments about past inequities will come up ("mom was your free childcare for 10 years but now that she needs care you refuse" that kind of thing).

So there are lots of ways that siblings can make eldercare harder. I also think that when people are emotional they are more likely to take it out on family members replaying old patterns and you see this emerge over and over in adult siblings when parents get older and die. People express their grief by taking it out on each other. It can be avoided but you need everyone to be emotionally mature and evolved and that's rare -- usually there is at least one person who doesn't handle it well and ever one else has to accommodate that on top of caring for or grieving their parents.

In general the larger a family is the more complicated it is.

[Anonymous]

OP specifically mentions onlies born to older parents. This in particular cuts both ways I think.

On the one hand they will have less time with their parents overall than they would if their parents had been younger when they were born and once their parents pass they will be on their own. That's true.

On the other hand the quality of the time they have with their parents can be much more positive because they are the only child and there is no competition for time or closeness.

Also people who have just one child later in life tend to be more financially well off. And with only one child to raise and send to college they should have more financial resources in old age. It's true money doesn't solve everything but it solves a lot of things. And when that parent passes they will leave their entire estate to their one child.

[Anonymous]

Youngest of three and I take care of 100% planning and care for my Mom. Took care of everything when my Dad passed. They were irresponsible financially and never planned for anything. My only child is set for ten lifetimes financially thanks to my in laws generational wealth. We’ve also put everything into place so he wouldn’t even have to make major decisions. Feel bad all you want, OP, but my kid will be miles ahead of me in that department one day. It all comes down to financial planning on the parents part and the number of siblings has pretty much nothing at all to do with it.

[Anonymous]

I DIDN'T ASK TO BE BORN

Shouldn't you be in school?

[Anonymous]

My husband has siblings who are all liabilities, asking for money or help out of difficult situations. We've paid for all but one at some point, and the one we haven't helped is completely disengaged from the entire family including the aging parents.

[Anonymous]

My bil and his wife did nothing to help with the years of care my mil needed. I did it all. My sibling is useless and a nightmare. I’d be better off as an only or never born.

[Anonymous]

Every situation has its difficulties, pros and cons.

The idea that parents ought to have more children to care for them seems like a bad one. And on this board the prevailing view is that children owe nothing to their parents whatsoever, although they are entitled to inheritance, so it seems doubly bad to make the suggestion. It’s wrong on principle and it’s in the wrong place.

The only reason to have a child is because you want a child and are committed to loving them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Going through elder care issues and I am so thankful of my siblings to help should the burden. I know a number of friends with onlies and tbh I feel bad for their kids. Flame away [/quote]

What is there to flame? You got lucky. You could have seven siblings and only one or two siblings will care for the parent. Sure, being an only guarantees not getting support but, I know a lot of people with siblings where they do all the work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think this thread is going the way OP wanted it to.

You think I’m not entitled to my opinion. I would not want to be an only dealing with this.

You’re correct that you’re entitled to your OPINION. But it’s just that. You state it as if it’s a fact.

I’m an only and after watching my DH and his siblings handle elder care then estate settling, I’m quite grateful to be an only. I don’t have to make decisions by committee or handle the stress that comes with some people carrying the load and others doing nothing.

[Anonymous]

I'm an only and my DH has 2 siblings. Both sets of parents are needing more help and the dynamics are different but one isn't inherently easier than the other. In some ways its easier with my parents because of their efforts. They have always been clear that they do not want to be a burden so they have planned well for their old age. They have been willing to move to homes more suited to their age and are getting ready to move to an independent to assisted living facility with higher levels of care available when they need them. This has been their choice and they are proactive. I think my parents probably would have made these choices even if they had more children but it has made things much easier. My ILs stubbornly refuse to move and refuse help/care and just complain about how their 3 kids moved away from their rural town with no opportunities. DH and his siblings are generally in agreement over their parents care but that doesn't make dealing with their parents any easier.

[Anonymous]

My coworker took care of her sick mother with zero support from her two siblings. Their mother needed 24 hour care. Coworker lives in DMV and the mother and siblings live 2 hours away. She was really angry that her siblings didn’t do crap. The mother passed now and her relationship with her siblings is very strained. They barely speak.

[Anonymous]

I’m an only and my mom is single. In some ways, it’ll be hard because it all falls on me. But I see that having siblings is no guarantee that you will have help. Also, I won’t have to deal with anyone else’s opinions.

DH has three siblings. They will be there for each other. I don’t see them fighting, at least not in earnest, about decisions or assets. I think they are the exception, rather than the rule.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know that you need to be flamed but I think you need to be educated. Sometimes people have a hard time empathizing with others who are not in their own situation. You're only seeing YOUR experience, and not those of people who have healthy and full only child lives, or those who have toxic or less than ideal relationships with siblings.

Don't feel bad for onlies. Feel bad for people who are negatively impacted by aging parents. They come in all types, OP.

+1

Also, having "more kids than you want" simply so there is "help when you are old and dying" is a really really bad idea.

[Anonymous]

As on only of older parents, a plus is they decline and die when you are in your 40s not when you are old yourself.