Onlies born to older parents- seems unfair now

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a paid caregiver and over the decade I've done this work I've seen many families where one child shoulders the vast majority of the burden of eldercare of parents while the other siblings criticize.

Very few families have an ideal dynamic where everyone chips in equitably.

I find that surprising. I know many nurses, including hospice caregivers, and yes, of course there can be family issues- every family has some warts- but it is rare that they say that people aren’t grateful for family in times of crisis, especially at the end. There seem to be a large number of dysfunctional families on here. Perhaps the people who post on here are a self selected group, but I don’t know people like this irl.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes I think there’s so much jealousy of the way that we older parents of onlies got to have our cake and eat it too that people who made different choices feel the need to take us down a peg. DH and I both have adult siblings in their 40s who are not financially self-supporting and know our choice of family size is right for us.

This isn’t really it. It’s just very hard and lonely and not ideal to have one person shoulder it all, especially for two parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a paid caregiver and over the decade I've done this work I've seen many families where one child shoulders the vast majority of the burden of eldercare of parents while the other siblings criticize.

Very few families have an ideal dynamic where everyone chips in equitably.

I find that surprising. I know many nurses, including hospice caregivers, and yes, of course there can be family issues- every family has some warts- but it is rare that they say that people aren’t grateful for family in times of crisis, especially at the end. There seem to be a large number of dysfunctional families on here. Perhaps the people who post on here are a self selected group, but I don’t know people like this irl.

"Grateful for family" and "grateful for siblings that help and make the senior care phase easier" are two different things. Both my parents have/had dysfunctional siblings. If you asked my parents "are you grateful for your family?" they would say yes without hesitation. They would even say they loved their siblings despite various abuses over a lifetime.

But as far as this thread's topic goes, their siblings did not help in the least when it came to caring for my grandparents, and in some cases made it more difficult. Their siblings did not offer support emotionally, physically, or financially. They created drama, they were needy as always, and they made a difficult time even worse. As for "grateful for family in times of crisis," I would say my parents relied on each other, my brother and I, and a couple extended family members like nieces and cousins.

Of the families in my immediate friend/family circle, the majority have neutral experiences when it comes to caring for elderly parents. One sibling usually shoulders most of it, and the others help out a little and at least don't complain or makes things worse. Then 25% are negative where the siblings are problematic and make things worse or completely checkout and don't help at all. And then there are 25% where the siblings are actually supportive and help each other and bear the burden equally.

I daresay even that is skewed a little optimistically.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes I think there’s so much jealousy of the way that we older parents of onlies got to have our cake and eat it too that people who made different choices feel the need to take us down a peg. DH and I both have adult siblings in their 40s who are not financially self-supporting and know our choice of family size is right for us.

We are old (mid 50s and mid 60s) and have an only (15 yo). I'm so thankful that I got to be a parent, but I don't think it's ideal. The one thing I think about is making sure I don't burden her with our aging problems. Especially if she is in the thick of working and raising her own children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes I think there’s so much jealousy of the way that we older parents of onlies got to have our cake and eat it too that people who made different choices feel the need to take us down a peg. DH and I both have adult siblings in their 40s who are not financially self-supporting and know our choice of family size is right for us.

This isn’t really it. It’s just very hard and lonely and not ideal to have one person shoulder it all, especially for two parents.

Missing the point. It's not ideal for one person to shoulder it all, yet that is what happens frequently in families with siblings. And onlies often have spouses and relatives/friends who support them as a sibling could.

The thread didn't need to mention only children at all, in order to say "elder care by myself is hard." But that wasn't the actual goal of the thread, the goal was to make OP feel better by dumping on another group.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think this thread is going the way OP wanted it to.

You think I’m not entitled to my opinion. I would not want to be an only dealing with this.

Agree with others that to me is worse to deal with aging parent on own when HAVE siblings who are not helping or worse not helping and criticizing what the one sibling is doing. Also, not all, but many parents of only children think through elder care and funeral issues and make arrangements in advance so when time comes, child doesn’t have to be caregiver. It’s wrong to assume families with multiple kids will happily get along and agree on all arrangements for parents as they age and after die.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a paid caregiver and over the decade I've done this work I've seen many families where one child shoulders the vast majority of the burden of eldercare of parents while the other siblings criticize.

Very few families have an ideal dynamic where everyone chips in equitably.

I find that surprising. I know many nurses, including hospice caregivers, and yes, of course there can be family issues- every family has some warts- but it is rare that they say that people aren’t grateful for family in times of crisis, especially at the end. There seem to be a large number of dysfunctional families on here. Perhaps the people who post on here are a self selected group, but I don’t know people like this irl.

Visit more nursing homes and you will soon agree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a sibling and I am 100% responsible for my mom. He visits maybe once every year or two and has nothing to do with assisting with any of her care. Don’t feel sorry for onlies, feel sorry for anyone who has to carry the burden by themselves.

+1

I’m surprised OP could not think past their own experience to what others may deal with. My sibling is minimally helpful, forgetful, and mentally ill. They are not much help and usually create more work for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think this thread is going the way OP wanted it to.

Unless they are a troll. 😈

[Anonymous]

Most siblings aren’t willing to share the care of elderly parents. It usually falls on one. But when the inheritance is distributed everyone wants their fair share. Siblings become estranged due to resentments. At least the on lies will inherit it all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a paid caregiver and over the decade I've done this work I've seen many families where one child shoulders the vast majority of the burden of eldercare of parents while the other siblings criticize.

Very few families have an ideal dynamic where everyone chips in equitably.

This is my situation. I do ninety percent of the work. Siblings participate just enough to criticize. It would be easier if I didn't have any.

Same. I did most of the caregiving because mom lived near me and honestly I wish out-of-state sis had stayed away completely. When she did visit she drove the CNAs nuts with her demands and behavior, when she wasn't trying to fire them (and one she tried to fire was truly excellent and loving). Sis also questioned every decision I made, to the point where I started backing the wrong decisions because I was confident she'd then choose the correct options.

[Anonymous]

Parental death brings up a lot of childhood conflicts and bitterness from the past. Sibling estrangement is common after parents death.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a paid caregiver and over the decade I've done this work I've seen many families where one child shoulders the vast majority of the burden of eldercare of parents while the other siblings criticize.

Very few families have an ideal dynamic where everyone chips in equitably.

This. Far better to be your parents only option as an only than to be your parents only option while steeping with resentment because your siblings won’t help. Only child to parents in their 80s here. I feel bed for you, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a paid caregiver and over the decade I've done this work I've seen many families where one child shoulders the vast majority of the burden of eldercare of parents while the other siblings criticize.

Very few families have an ideal dynamic where everyone chips in equitably.

I find that surprising. I know many nurses, including hospice caregivers, and yes, of course there can be family issues- every family has some warts- but it is rare that they say that people aren’t grateful for family in times of crisis, especially at the end. There seem to be a large number of dysfunctional families on here. Perhaps the people who post on here are a self selected group, but I don’t know people like this irl.

Visit more nursing homes and you will soon agree.

I think you’re wrong

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a paid caregiver and over the decade I've done this work I've seen many families where one child shoulders the vast majority of the burden of eldercare of parents while the other siblings criticize.

Very few families have an ideal dynamic where everyone chips in equitably.

This. Far better to be your parents only option as an only than to be your parents only option while steeping with resentment because your siblings won’t help. Only child to parents in their 80s here. I feel bed for you, OP.[/quote

Bed for who? Most families are fairly functional. It seems you don’t know normal families though