Onlies born to older parents- seems unfair now

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Truth is, it's rare for siblings to equally or equitably split caregiving responsibilities. To operate effectively, you need to have a lead. Just how it is.

Better to be an only child caregiver than have siblings that obstruct or make caregiving more difficult. Family can get downright mean in these situations.

Agree. I'd rather have it all on me than fight with a sibling over it. It would be great to have siblings where everyone is just supportive and helps each other but I think what happens more often is that either some siblings are strong and support the others or everyone just fights or everyone just gets support elsewhere because they can't get it from each other for whatever reason. I'd rather be an only than any of those situations even if in an ideal world I'd have a sibling who just totally got it and we were there for each other.

Agreed. My best friend is the youngest of 6 siblings and is the primary caregiver for their father. 2 of her siblings basically disappeared the moment it became clear their father needed support. The other three siblings, live too far and are too broke to provide hands-on or financial support, but they have no problems questioning my friend's decisions, especially when it comes to money. It also doesn't help that the dad's POAs and trust documents give too many siblings the same authority to handle his affairs. One of the AWOL siblings randomly withdraws funds from his account. All this while my friend has 3 young kids of her own, martial and health problems. Complete nightmare. Sign me up to be an only all day long.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The 3 daughters movie captures sibling dynamics for lots of families in final days of parents. Don’t think it would change minds of anyone posted here. The pro-more siblings would watch and see the parts to conclude good the sisters had each other and the pro-no siblings would watch and say that’s what want to avoid.

Agreed that movie is interesting in this respect. And my takeaway is that grief is messy and individual and you can't "game" it.

All of the sisters in that movie had lost a parent previously (their mothers) and it sounded like they had not really been there for each other when that happened. They were younger and their dad was alive and he was really grieving so dynamics were different. Also one of the sisters was abandoned by her bio dad which is a different kind of grief that the other two don't get at all. So she's alone in that grief and in her unique relationship to their shared father even though she also "has" her sisters.

It's also notable to me that all of the sisters have significant others and you see them all reaching out to these people with various levels of support. And because of the focus of the movie you don't see the relationship between the two married sisters and their husbands who never appear. For some people your partners is the main source of support. For others they aren't. It depends on everyone's relationship and personality. In the movie it seems like the husbands really have their hands full with their children while the sisters are with their dad -- families are complicated and sometimes the person grieving the loss of a parent is not the one with the highest level of need if there are young kids or others who just require a lot of support.

What I have concluded as both a child and a parent (and a DIL and SIL) is that the best way to prepare your kids for the grief of your own passing is to create loving relationships between everyone to the degree that you can and encourage empathy and forgiveness and flexibility. These are the qualities that seem to be most helpful whether someone is an only or has siblings. The situation always sucks so it's about having skills and characteristics that help you get through a sucky situation as well as you can. That doesn't really have anything to do with siblings. It's not the most relevant thing.

Imo the best way to cultivate these skills is with family and sibling relationships in particular.

[Anonymous]

I am an only. Throughout the final stages of my parents’ health decline, providers would visibly relax when I told them that I was the sole decision maker with whom they would interact. After they passed, the lawyer handling their (very modest) affairs told me how lucky I was that I would be able to grieve without fighting with anyone.

Good luck to everyone through this journey.

[Anonymous]

I have a sibling who, despite living near my mom and having no other family responsibilities (no spouse or kids) wasn’t capable of helping. (Ex: when we were both there trying to sort through the mess of my mom’s bills due to her dementia) I asked him to get some groceries and take her as she wanted to go as well. He went to the store and stayed in the car. She of course put random things in the cart and then couldn’t pay because she couldn’t find her card etc. I was like, you do not leave a person with dementia alone in a big store to ship, duh).

Anyway I had to move her across the country to be near me and she resents for not, telling me daily that she’s miserable and was happier at home. I bear the brunt of all the work (appointments, 8-10 calls a day, needing xyz, I’m bored, take me out,, you ruined my life, etc), I do all the finances, medical, legal, emotional work , hire companions, bring her out every weekend to see her grandkids, and all I get from her is grief and anger. She adores my brother who calls every few weeks and has visited twice in 3 years.

It’s truly a thankless task. But at least brother doesn’t challenge anything I do.

[Anonymous]

I thought this thread was going to be about the advantages of an only child. More resources and parental time during childhood and 100% of the inheritance.

My spouse has a sibling who will inherit half but does absolutely nothing.

[Anonymous]

100 % of the inheritance is a pretty sad way to look at life and relationships

[Anonymous]

My mother and her 5 siblings don't really speak. She is the primary care giver for my grandmother. Having siblings doesn't mean that you have people to help.

My cousin is an only and dealing with her elderly father with dementia. She has hired a full time caregiver for him and all us cousins help her with daily tasks, because she is a good person.

Just because your parents had a litter of kids, doesn't mean you are better equipped to care for elderly parents.

[Anonymous]

My dd is an only and I worry about this for her. But then I remember we’ll have everything set up for her. And she’ll inherit everything. And will have no one to fight with.

My DH and I have 5 sets of relatives to handle (parents, steps, and aunt) and siblings and step siblings. And there will be fights. Some are great. Some are picking out what’s “theirs” while piste still alive. I’m literally dreading the next few years as the declines are starting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Going through elder care issues and I am so thankful of my siblings to help should the burden. I know a number of friends with onlies and tbh I feel bad for their kids. Flame away

I’m an only born to older parents 🤷‍♀️ I’m in my late 30s now, my parents are mid 80s. It’s hard, but like everything else in life, and as others have pointed out, there are pros and cons and everyone’s situation is unique. I wouldn’t pity me for this- I had a great childhood and my relationship with my parents is a gift. I’ve probably spent a total of a day over the course of my entire life wondering about or wishing for a sibling, if that. It’s good you are grateful for your situation. I’m grateful for mine!

[Anonymous]

Pp- I should add, my parents are v organized about their estate planning, transparent, and while old, thankfully neither is in cognitive decline. They don’t have what seems to be typical among my friends with boomer parents (mine are silent generation I think?), which is the silent, girding stubbornness/denial about any weakness they may exhibit as a result of natural aging.

Clearing out their place when they go will be a task, but I’ve already enlisted a couple of longtime girlfriends as future volunteers.

[Anonymous]

I have a brother and sister who I like just fine and get along with, but I am the only child who lives near my parents, so much of the care naturally falls on me. We all have kids, jobs, etc.

There were some advantages to being local though. My parents loved babysitting, so there was a lot less stress juggling FT jobs, driving to school, activities, etc. For us, it seemed to even out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a sibling and I am 100% responsible for my mom. He visits maybe once every year or two and has nothing to do with assisting with any of her care. Don’t feel sorry for onlies, feel sorry for anyone who has to carry the burden by themselves.

I’ve got three siblings, all local and only one other provides any support to my parents. One is completely hands off with anything more than bringing a dessert on the 4th of July. The other thinks a coffee every two months is enough. My sister and I do everything else for our 85 year old parents, one with dementia

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think this thread is going the way OP wanted it to.

You think I’m not entitled to my opinion. I would not want to be an only dealing with this.

I am an only who had to deal with my aging parents.

I found it much easier doing it on my own. No one to argue with. Or be mad at that they stuck me with all the work.

And I was not alone. I had my DH at my side.

[Anonymous]

This is PP from 8:27 and 8:35. Just a note that this thread is interesting and generally positive and informative. people are supporting eachother through telling their stories. Who knows what OP intended, but this is a great topic generally (caregiving as an only) and I think also helps dispel/clarify myths about only children and family dynamics around aging.

[Anonymous]

Does it make a difference if the only is a male or female?