Oooops…MIL accidentally left me a voicemail

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you have a generally good relationship with your mother in law. I’d try to just let this go.

Maybe next time you are together you can bring it up in a friendly way. “That voicemail you left - what was that comment about? If I’m honest, it really hurt my feelings.”

In the scheme of things though, her comment wasn’t that awful. Taken in the most grace-giving light, it could be a comment on the intensity/work of hosting these things and not a referendum on you at all. With family, giving grace is generally a good thing.

OP here. Where’s the grace for me, who has once again said yes, when asked, to host multiple houseguests and do a ton of work for Thanksgiving? Where is my grace?

DH is really upset and said he is going to call his today. I think he’s more hurt than I am.

It comes when you f$& up, that’s how grace works! You’re talking about gratitude, which you also probably get for hosting, to your face. I mean good lord. This comment was a nothingburger and meant for someone else. You can’t go around with skin this thin.

Well apparently I’ve “f-ed up” by thinking I’m “up to hosting,” but I get no grace for any missteps I’ve made that no one has even told me about.

I honestly don’t get why you’re so upset about this. I would barely blink. It’s just a snarky comment between a mother and daughter. It doesn’t mean you made a misstep, in fact it probably means you do great and they’re just being catty about it. Either way, who cares? People are catty. They were wrong, but it’s just not a big deal. You weren’t supposed to hear it. I’m sure the MIL is mortified. If you give her a chance, there’s probably a better apology coming.

But if you’re really this upset about this comment, you might not be the easy breezy host you think you are. Because that’s a pretty high level of panty twist. I mean, “where’s my grace?” If I were your SIL in this situation, and I read dcum and that you said that, I would be making fun with my mother forever. And yes it would be wrong and I’d be mortified if you found out.

People who take on the lion’s share of hosting, at the request of others, do not deserve snark or cattiness. And if you get caught being snarky and catty in such a situation—yes, people are fallible, after all—you immediately call with a sincere apology, an explanation, and a promise to do better in the future. What you don’t do is reply with an emoji. MIL is clearly not “mortified” as she has taken no steps to apologize.

OP I suggest DH text MIL and SIL both, first a recording of the voice mail, and then a message—“Julie and I aren’t hosting this year, or going forward. We agree with you that Julie just isn’t up to it. We’ll show up with a pie, just let us know who will be hosting from now on.”

It's surprising to me how willing some people are to dial things up to 11. It sounds like OP enjoys hosting large family gatherings and that many people (cousins, etc, but probably also MIL and SIL) appreciate this. Should she stop hosting forever because MIL said one stupid thing? Should a long and generally good relationship with MIL be blown up over this? To what end? Also I will point out that SIL is getting some blame from OP and others here but hasn't actually done anything wrong.

If this is your perspective, why aren’t you asking: If they have a good relationship, why is MIL willing to jeopardize it over a mistake, instead of owning up to it and apologizing? Why is she hiding behind and emoji like a tween rather than picking up the phone and saying I know how that came across, and I am sorry and thank you so much for all you do to host. It’s so interesting that OP is the one who had something done to her, but you are putting it on OP to fix rather than on MIL. If it’s all so very simple, a simple apology should suffice, yes?

This x100
OP is the one hurt here. Why is it OP's responsibility to make things right

MIL is not a mind reader. She doesn’t know that OP is freaking out over this. The onus is on OP to tell her how she feels.

Looks like the MILs have found this thread.

Or rather the adults and not the petulant teens who deal with adult issues by going berserk or giving the silent treatment. Adults talk to each other, emotionally stunted children do what a few of the malcontents are proposing here.

I think “petulant teens” respond with an emoji rather than owning a mistake and apologizing when they are caught being rude. Since you want to talk about “emotionally stunted” behavior…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you have a generally good relationship with your mother in law. I’d try to just let this go.

Maybe next time you are together you can bring it up in a friendly way. “That voicemail you left - what was that comment about? If I’m honest, it really hurt my feelings.”

In the scheme of things though, her comment wasn’t that awful. Taken in the most grace-giving light, it could be a comment on the intensity/work of hosting these things and not a referendum on you at all. With family, giving grace is generally a good thing.

OP here. Where’s the grace for me, who has once again said yes, when asked, to host multiple houseguests and do a ton of work for Thanksgiving? Where is my grace?

DH is really upset and said he is going to call his today. I think he’s more hurt than I am.

It comes when you f$& up, that’s how grace works! You’re talking about gratitude, which you also probably get for hosting, to your face. I mean good lord. This comment was a nothingburger and meant for someone else. You can’t go around with skin this thin.

Well apparently I’ve “f-ed up” by thinking I’m “up to hosting,” but I get no grace for any missteps I’ve made that no one has even told me about.

I honestly don’t get why you’re so upset about this. I would barely blink. It’s just a snarky comment between a mother and daughter. It doesn’t mean you made a misstep, in fact it probably means you do great and they’re just being catty about it. Either way, who cares? People are catty. They were wrong, but it’s just not a big deal. You weren’t supposed to hear it. I’m sure the MIL is mortified. If you give her a chance, there’s probably a better apology coming.

But if you’re really this upset about this comment, you might not be the easy breezy host you think you are. Because that’s a pretty high level of panty twist. I mean, “where’s my grace?” If I were your SIL in this situation, and I read dcum and that you said that, I would be making fun with my mother forever. And yes it would be wrong and I’d be mortified if you found out.

People who take on the lion’s share of hosting, at the request of others, do not deserve snark or cattiness. And if you get caught being snarky and catty in such a situation—yes, people are fallible, after all—you immediately call with a sincere apology, an explanation, and a promise to do better in the future. What you don’t do is reply with an emoji. MIL is clearly not “mortified” as she has taken no steps to apologize.

OP I suggest DH text MIL and SIL both, first a recording of the voice mail, and then a message—“Julie and I aren’t hosting this year, or going forward. We agree with you that Julie just isn’t up to it. We’ll show up with a pie, just let us know who will be hosting from now on.”

It's surprising to me how willing some people are to dial things up to 11. It sounds like OP enjoys hosting large family gatherings and that many people (cousins, etc, but probably also MIL and SIL) appreciate this. Should she stop hosting forever because MIL said one stupid thing? Should a long and generally good relationship with MIL be blown up over this? To what end? Also I will point out that SIL is getting some blame from OP and others here but hasn't actually done anything wrong.

If this is your perspective, why aren’t you asking: If they have a good relationship, why is MIL willing to jeopardize it over a mistake, instead of owning up to it and apologizing? Why is she hiding behind and emoji like a tween rather than picking up the phone and saying I know how that came across, and I am sorry and thank you so much for all you do to host. It’s so interesting that OP is the one who had something done to her, but you are putting it on OP to fix rather than on MIL. If it’s all so very simple, a simple apology should suffice, yes?

This x100
OP is the one hurt here. Why is it OP's responsibility to make things right

Ok. What should OP do if MIL doesn't make things right?

This is one of those situations where it's smart to ask yourself: do I want to be right or do I want to be happy? If OP can be right AND happy, great! But if she can't have both, she will need to decide. Yes, that will be on her.

NP. If MIL doesn’t make things right, then I think DH should make this very easy: “Upon reflection of your doubts that we can ‘pull this off,’ Sally and I have decided we can’t. We look forward to either you or Hillary hosting and we’ll take notes to see how it’s done. Let us know if you want us to bring a bottle of wine or a pie.”

Ridiculous.

dp It is not ridiculous. I wouldn't even celebrate with them if MIL doesn't make it right. I would do my own thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, this is an easy one. Your DH needs to call his mom and get to the bottom of this. (Probably, SIL is jealous of OP for some reason and MIL enables this). He already said he was upset and wanted to call her. He should call her and insist that MIL apologize.

If he insists that MIL apologize, then the apology means nothing. He can explain that they are both confused and a bit hurt by her message. Ask that she explain why she would make a comment like she did.

Yes, he should say this. And then he should insist that she apologize. It would not mean nothing. It would show the MIL, and the SIL, that her son will not put up with his wife being dissed. Ask me how I know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you have a generally good relationship with your mother in law. I’d try to just let this go.

Maybe next time you are together you can bring it up in a friendly way. “That voicemail you left - what was that comment about? If I’m honest, it really hurt my feelings.”

In the scheme of things though, her comment wasn’t that awful. Taken in the most grace-giving light, it could be a comment on the intensity/work of hosting these things and not a referendum on you at all. With family, giving grace is generally a good thing.

OP here. Where’s the grace for me, who has once again said yes, when asked, to host multiple houseguests and do a ton of work for Thanksgiving? Where is my grace?

DH is really upset and said he is going to call his today. I think he’s more hurt than I am.

It comes when you f$& up, that’s how grace works! You’re talking about gratitude, which you also probably get for hosting, to your face. I mean good lord. This comment was a nothingburger and meant for someone else. You can’t go around with skin this thin.

Well apparently I’ve “f-ed up” by thinking I’m “up to hosting,” but I get no grace for any missteps I’ve made that no one has even told me about.

I honestly don’t get why you’re so upset about this. I would barely blink. It’s just a snarky comment between a mother and daughter. It doesn’t mean you made a misstep, in fact it probably means you do great and they’re just being catty about it. Either way, who cares? People are catty. They were wrong, but it’s just not a big deal. You weren’t supposed to hear it. I’m sure the MIL is mortified. If you give her a chance, there’s probably a better apology coming.

But if you’re really this upset about this comment, you might not be the easy breezy host you think you are. Because that’s a pretty high level of panty twist. I mean, “where’s my grace?” If I were your SIL in this situation, and I read dcum and that you said that, I would be making fun with my mother forever. And yes it would be wrong and I’d be mortified if you found out.

People who take on the lion’s share of hosting, at the request of others, do not deserve snark or cattiness. And if you get caught being snarky and catty in such a situation—yes, people are fallible, after all—you immediately call with a sincere apology, an explanation, and a promise to do better in the future. What you don’t do is reply with an emoji. MIL is clearly not “mortified” as she has taken no steps to apologize.

OP I suggest DH text MIL and SIL both, first a recording of the voice mail, and then a message—“Julie and I aren’t hosting this year, or going forward. We agree with you that Julie just isn’t up to it. We’ll show up with a pie, just let us know who will be hosting from now on.”

It's surprising to me how willing some people are to dial things up to 11. It sounds like OP enjoys hosting large family gatherings and that many people (cousins, etc, but probably also MIL and SIL) appreciate this. Should she stop hosting forever because MIL said one stupid thing? Should a long and generally good relationship with MIL be blown up over this? To what end? Also I will point out that SIL is getting some blame from OP and others here but hasn't actually done anything wrong.

Nobody is saying 'forever' but, if there is no sincere aploogy this Thanksgiving I would NOT host.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you have a generally good relationship with your mother in law. I’d try to just let this go.

Maybe next time you are together you can bring it up in a friendly way. “That voicemail you left - what was that comment about? If I’m honest, it really hurt my feelings.”

In the scheme of things though, her comment wasn’t that awful. Taken in the most grace-giving light, it could be a comment on the intensity/work of hosting these things and not a referendum on you at all. With family, giving grace is generally a good thing.

OP here. Where’s the grace for me, who has once again said yes, when asked, to host multiple houseguests and do a ton of work for Thanksgiving? Where is my grace?

DH is really upset and said he is going to call his today. I think he’s more hurt than I am.

It comes when you f$& up, that’s how grace works! You’re talking about gratitude, which you also probably get for hosting, to your face. I mean good lord. This comment was a nothingburger and meant for someone else. You can’t go around with skin this thin.

Well apparently I’ve “f-ed up” by thinking I’m “up to hosting,” but I get no grace for any missteps I’ve made that no one has even told me about.

I honestly don’t get why you’re so upset about this. I would barely blink. It’s just a snarky comment between a mother and daughter. It doesn’t mean you made a misstep, in fact it probably means you do great and they’re just being catty about it. Either way, who cares? People are catty. They were wrong, but it’s just not a big deal. You weren’t supposed to hear it. I’m sure the MIL is mortified. If you give her a chance, there’s probably a better apology coming.

But if you’re really this upset about this comment, you might not be the easy breezy host you think you are. Because that’s a pretty high level of panty twist. I mean, “where’s my grace?” If I were your SIL in this situation, and I read dcum and that you said that, I would be making fun with my mother forever. And yes it would be wrong and I’d be mortified if you found out.

People who take on the lion’s share of hosting, at the request of others, do not deserve snark or cattiness. And if you get caught being snarky and catty in such a situation—yes, people are fallible, after all—you immediately call with a sincere apology, an explanation, and a promise to do better in the future. What you don’t do is reply with an emoji. MIL is clearly not “mortified” as she has taken no steps to apologize.

OP I suggest DH text MIL and SIL both, first a recording of the voice mail, and then a message—“Julie and I aren’t hosting this year, or going forward. We agree with you that Julie just isn’t up to it. We’ll show up with a pie, just let us know who will be hosting from now on.”

It's surprising to me how willing some people are to dial things up to 11. It sounds like OP enjoys hosting large family gatherings and that many people (cousins, etc, but probably also MIL and SIL) appreciate this. Should she stop hosting forever because MIL said one stupid thing? Should a long and generally good relationship with MIL be blown up over this? To what end? Also I will point out that SIL is getting some blame from OP and others here but hasn't actually done anything wrong.

If this is your perspective, why aren’t you asking: If they have a good relationship, why is MIL willing to jeopardize it over a mistake, instead of owning up to it and apologizing? Why is she hiding behind and emoji like a tween rather than picking up the phone and saying I know how that came across, and I am sorry and thank you so much for all you do to host. It’s so interesting that OP is the one who had something done to her, but you are putting it on OP to fix rather than on MIL. If it’s all so very simple, a simple apology should suffice, yes?

This x100
OP is the one hurt here. Why is it OP's responsibility to make things right

Ok. What should OP do if MIL doesn't make things right?

This is one of those situations where it's smart to ask yourself: do I want to be right or do I want to be happy? If OP can be right AND happy, great! But if she can't have both, she will need to decide. Yes, that will be on her.

NP. If MIL doesn’t make things right, then I think DH should make this very easy: “Upon reflection of your doubts that we can ‘pull this off,’ Sally and I have decided we can’t. We look forward to either you or Hillary hosting and we’ll take notes to see how it’s done. Let us know if you want us to bring a bottle of wine or a pie.”

Ridiculous.

dp It is not ridiculous. I wouldn't even celebrate with them if MIL doesn't make it right. I would do my own thing.

So shoot first and ask questions later? What’s so hard about calling MIL up or having the son do it to clarify what’s going on? There is zero harm in doing that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, this is an easy one. Your DH needs to call his mom and get to the bottom of this. (Probably, SIL is jealous of OP for some reason and MIL enables this). He already said he was upset and wanted to call her. He should call her and insist that MIL apologize.

If he insists that MIL apologize, then the apology means nothing. He can explain that they are both confused and a bit hurt by her message. Ask that she explain why she would make a comment like she did.

Yes, he should say this. And then he should insist that she apologize. It would not mean nothing. It would show the MIL, and the SIL, that her son will not put up with his wife being dissed. Ask me how I know.

Then why hasn’t this son done it already? What’s he waiting for?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you have a generally good relationship with your mother in law. I’d try to just let this go.

Maybe next time you are together you can bring it up in a friendly way. “That voicemail you left - what was that comment about? If I’m honest, it really hurt my feelings.”

In the scheme of things though, her comment wasn’t that awful. Taken in the most grace-giving light, it could be a comment on the intensity/work of hosting these things and not a referendum on you at all. With family, giving grace is generally a good thing.

OP here. Where’s the grace for me, who has once again said yes, when asked, to host multiple houseguests and do a ton of work for Thanksgiving? Where is my grace?

DH is really upset and said he is going to call his today. I think he’s more hurt than I am.

It comes when you f$& up, that’s how grace works! You’re talking about gratitude, which you also probably get for hosting, to your face. I mean good lord. This comment was a nothingburger and meant for someone else. You can’t go around with skin this thin.

Well apparently I’ve “f-ed up” by thinking I’m “up to hosting,” but I get no grace for any missteps I’ve made that no one has even told me about.

I honestly don’t get why you’re so upset about this. I would barely blink. It’s just a snarky comment between a mother and daughter. It doesn’t mean you made a misstep, in fact it probably means you do great and they’re just being catty about it. Either way, who cares? People are catty. They were wrong, but it’s just not a big deal. You weren’t supposed to hear it. I’m sure the MIL is mortified. If you give her a chance, there’s probably a better apology coming.

But if you’re really this upset about this comment, you might not be the easy breezy host you think you are. Because that’s a pretty high level of panty twist. I mean, “where’s my grace?” If I were your SIL in this situation, and I read dcum and that you said that, I would be making fun with my mother forever. And yes it would be wrong and I’d be mortified if you found out.

People who take on the lion’s share of hosting, at the request of others, do not deserve snark or cattiness. And if you get caught being snarky and catty in such a situation—yes, people are fallible, after all—you immediately call with a sincere apology, an explanation, and a promise to do better in the future. What you don’t do is reply with an emoji. MIL is clearly not “mortified” as she has taken no steps to apologize.

OP I suggest DH text MIL and SIL both, first a recording of the voice mail, and then a message—“Julie and I aren’t hosting this year, or going forward. We agree with you that Julie just isn’t up to it. We’ll show up with a pie, just let us know who will be hosting from now on.”

It's surprising to me how willing some people are to dial things up to 11. It sounds like OP enjoys hosting large family gatherings and that many people (cousins, etc, but probably also MIL and SIL) appreciate this. Should she stop hosting forever because MIL said one stupid thing? Should a long and generally good relationship with MIL be blown up over this? To what end? Also I will point out that SIL is getting some blame from OP and others here but hasn't actually done anything wrong.

MIL started it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you have a generally good relationship with your mother in law. I’d try to just let this go.

Maybe next time you are together you can bring it up in a friendly way. “That voicemail you left - what was that comment about? If I’m honest, it really hurt my feelings.”

In the scheme of things though, her comment wasn’t that awful. Taken in the most grace-giving light, it could be a comment on the intensity/work of hosting these things and not a referendum on you at all. With family, giving grace is generally a good thing.

OP here. Where’s the grace for me, who has once again said yes, when asked, to host multiple houseguests and do a ton of work for Thanksgiving? Where is my grace?

DH is really upset and said he is going to call his today. I think he’s more hurt than I am.

It comes when you f$& up, that’s how grace works! You’re talking about gratitude, which you also probably get for hosting, to your face. I mean good lord. This comment was a nothingburger and meant for someone else. You can’t go around with skin this thin.

Well apparently I’ve “f-ed up” by thinking I’m “up to hosting,” but I get no grace for any missteps I’ve made that no one has even told me about.

I honestly don’t get why you’re so upset about this. I would barely blink. It’s just a snarky comment between a mother and daughter. It doesn’t mean you made a misstep, in fact it probably means you do great and they’re just being catty about it. Either way, who cares? People are catty. They were wrong, but it’s just not a big deal. You weren’t supposed to hear it. I’m sure the MIL is mortified. If you give her a chance, there’s probably a better apology coming.

But if you’re really this upset about this comment, you might not be the easy breezy host you think you are. Because that’s a pretty high level of panty twist. I mean, “where’s my grace?” If I were your SIL in this situation, and I read dcum and that you said that, I would be making fun with my mother forever. And yes it would be wrong and I’d be mortified if you found out.

People who take on the lion’s share of hosting, at the request of others, do not deserve snark or cattiness. And if you get caught being snarky and catty in such a situation—yes, people are fallible, after all—you immediately call with a sincere apology, an explanation, and a promise to do better in the future. What you don’t do is reply with an emoji. MIL is clearly not “mortified” as she has taken no steps to apologize.

OP I suggest DH text MIL and SIL both, first a recording of the voice mail, and then a message—“Julie and I aren’t hosting this year, or going forward. We agree with you that Julie just isn’t up to it. We’ll show up with a pie, just let us know who will be hosting from now on.”

It's surprising to me how willing some people are to dial things up to 11. It sounds like OP enjoys hosting large family gatherings and that many people (cousins, etc, but probably also MIL and SIL) appreciate this. Should she stop hosting forever because MIL said one stupid thing? Should a long and generally good relationship with MIL be blown up over this? To what end? Also I will point out that SIL is getting some blame from OP and others here but hasn't actually done anything wrong.

MIL started it

Are you 8?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Haven’t read the whole thread but maybe it was more a reflection on what they perceive to be a chaotic family environment/hosting challenge. So the “snark” may have actually been self-deprecating, as in “better her than me” or “I wouldn’t want to deal with hosting!” Or something like that.

Then when you find out the email went to the wrong person, it's a quick fix, right? "Oh, my god! We were just talking about how awful it must be to juggle everyone being so picky! I'm so sorry it came across the wrong way, but we are just glad you are dealing with it instead of us."

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you have a generally good relationship with your mother in law. I’d try to just let this go.

Maybe next time you are together you can bring it up in a friendly way. “That voicemail you left - what was that comment about? If I’m honest, it really hurt my feelings.”

In the scheme of things though, her comment wasn’t that awful. Taken in the most grace-giving light, it could be a comment on the intensity/work of hosting these things and not a referendum on you at all. With family, giving grace is generally a good thing.

OP here. Where’s the grace for me, who has once again said yes, when asked, to host multiple houseguests and do a ton of work for Thanksgiving? Where is my grace?

DH is really upset and said he is going to call his today. I think he’s more hurt than I am.

It comes when you f$& up, that’s how grace works! You’re talking about gratitude, which you also probably get for hosting, to your face. I mean good lord. This comment was a nothingburger and meant for someone else. You can’t go around with skin this thin.

Well apparently I’ve “f-ed up” by thinking I’m “up to hosting,” but I get no grace for any missteps I’ve made that no one has even told me about.

I honestly don’t get why you’re so upset about this. I would barely blink. It’s just a snarky comment between a mother and daughter. It doesn’t mean you made a misstep, in fact it probably means you do great and they’re just being catty about it. Either way, who cares? People are catty. They were wrong, but it’s just not a big deal. You weren’t supposed to hear it. I’m sure the MIL is mortified. If you give her a chance, there’s probably a better apology coming.

But if you’re really this upset about this comment, you might not be the easy breezy host you think you are. Because that’s a pretty high level of panty twist. I mean, “where’s my grace?” If I were your SIL in this situation, and I read dcum and that you said that, I would be making fun with my mother forever. And yes it would be wrong and I’d be mortified if you found out.

People who take on the lion’s share of hosting, at the request of others, do not deserve snark or cattiness. And if you get caught being snarky and catty in such a situation—yes, people are fallible, after all—you immediately call with a sincere apology, an explanation, and a promise to do better in the future. What you don’t do is reply with an emoji. MIL is clearly not “mortified” as she has taken no steps to apologize.

OP I suggest DH text MIL and SIL both, first a recording of the voice mail, and then a message—“Julie and I aren’t hosting this year, or going forward. We agree with you that Julie just isn’t up to it. We’ll show up with a pie, just let us know who will be hosting from now on.”

It's surprising to me how willing some people are to dial things up to 11. It sounds like OP enjoys hosting large family gatherings and that many people (cousins, etc, but probably also MIL and SIL) appreciate this. Should she stop hosting forever because MIL said one stupid thing? Should a long and generally good relationship with MIL be blown up over this? To what end? Also I will point out that SIL is getting some blame from OP and others here but hasn't actually done anything wrong.

If this is your perspective, why aren’t you asking: If they have a good relationship, why is MIL willing to jeopardize it over a mistake, instead of owning up to it and apologizing? Why is she hiding behind and emoji like a tween rather than picking up the phone and saying I know how that came across, and I am sorry and thank you so much for all you do to host. It’s so interesting that OP is the one who had something done to her, but you are putting it on OP to fix rather than on MIL. If it’s all so very simple, a simple apology should suffice, yes?

This x100
OP is the one hurt here. Why is it OP's responsibility to make things right

Ok. What should OP do if MIL doesn't make things right?

This is one of those situations where it's smart to ask yourself: do I want to be right or do I want to be happy? If OP can be right AND happy, great! But if she can't have both, she will need to decide. Yes, that will be on her.

OP is going to have to make her own choices. As for me, I would not want to blow things up, or make a big grand decision about never hosting again, but I also wouldn't feel great hosting this coming Thanksgiving. It's a lot of work, and is unresolved, this would fee icky. Not devastating, but icky.

Luckily there's still more than two months before the holiday. Sounds like DH is already talking to his mother. I'd make the call now to not be hosting this year, and I'd let them know now. Quietly and calmly, but clearly. This Thanksgiving would be a holiday for me to put my feet up and eat someone else's food, and I'd be perfectly polite and grateful about it. Very happy to have the luxury of spending time with family, and quite grateful for the food someone cooked.

Maybe MIL will reach out to give an honest apology and explanation before the holidays come around. That would be great, and I'd welcome it. Maybe not -- but if we get into the discussion next year where I am asked or assumed to host, I'd (again, calmly and quietly) mention what happened the year before and that I don't think I can host without resolving it. Or maybe it never comes up, and I never host Thanksgiving again, and I'd find a way -- in that case -- to just set it aside and enjoy the time I have with family.

But I would bow out for this year. This would need a break from responsibility for me, but I'd be supportive of whomever picked up the torch.

[Anonymous]

^^this would feel icky

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you have a generally good relationship with your mother in law. I’d try to just let this go.

Maybe next time you are together you can bring it up in a friendly way. “That voicemail you left - what was that comment about? If I’m honest, it really hurt my feelings.”

In the scheme of things though, her comment wasn’t that awful. Taken in the most grace-giving light, it could be a comment on the intensity/work of hosting these things and not a referendum on you at all. With family, giving grace is generally a good thing.

OP here. Where’s the grace for me, who has once again said yes, when asked, to host multiple houseguests and do a ton of work for Thanksgiving? Where is my grace?

DH is really upset and said he is going to call his today. I think he’s more hurt than I am.

It comes when you f$& up, that’s how grace works! You’re talking about gratitude, which you also probably get for hosting, to your face. I mean good lord. This comment was a nothingburger and meant for someone else. You can’t go around with skin this thin.

Well apparently I’ve “f-ed up” by thinking I’m “up to hosting,” but I get no grace for any missteps I’ve made that no one has even told me about.

I honestly don’t get why you’re so upset about this. I would barely blink. It’s just a snarky comment between a mother and daughter. It doesn’t mean you made a misstep, in fact it probably means you do great and they’re just being catty about it. Either way, who cares? People are catty. They were wrong, but it’s just not a big deal. You weren’t supposed to hear it. I’m sure the MIL is mortified. If you give her a chance, there’s probably a better apology coming.

But if you’re really this upset about this comment, you might not be the easy breezy host you think you are. Because that’s a pretty high level of panty twist. I mean, “where’s my grace?” If I were your SIL in this situation, and I read dcum and that you said that, I would be making fun with my mother forever. And yes it would be wrong and I’d be mortified if you found out.

People who take on the lion’s share of hosting, at the request of others, do not deserve snark or cattiness. And if you get caught being snarky and catty in such a situation—yes, people are fallible, after all—you immediately call with a sincere apology, an explanation, and a promise to do better in the future. What you don’t do is reply with an emoji. MIL is clearly not “mortified” as she has taken no steps to apologize.

OP I suggest DH text MIL and SIL both, first a recording of the voice mail, and then a message—“Julie and I aren’t hosting this year, or going forward. We agree with you that Julie just isn’t up to it. We’ll show up with a pie, just let us know who will be hosting from now on.”

It's surprising to me how willing some people are to dial things up to 11. It sounds like OP enjoys hosting large family gatherings and that many people (cousins, etc, but probably also MIL and SIL) appreciate this. Should she stop hosting forever because MIL said one stupid thing? Should a long and generally good relationship with MIL be blown up over this? To what end? Also I will point out that SIL is getting some blame from OP and others here but hasn't actually done anything wrong.

If this is your perspective, why aren’t you asking: If they have a good relationship, why is MIL willing to jeopardize it over a mistake, instead of owning up to it and apologizing? Why is she hiding behind and emoji like a tween rather than picking up the phone and saying I know how that came across, and I am sorry and thank you so much for all you do to host. It’s so interesting that OP is the one who had something done to her, but you are putting it on OP to fix rather than on MIL. If it’s all so very simple, a simple apology should suffice, yes?

This x100
OP is the one hurt here. Why is it OP's responsibility to make things right

Ok. What should OP do if MIL doesn't make things right?

This is one of those situations where it's smart to ask yourself: do I want to be right or do I want to be happy? If OP can be right AND happy, great! But if she can't have both, she will need to decide. Yes, that will be on her.

NP. If MIL doesn’t make things right, then I think DH should make this very easy: “Upon reflection of your doubts that we can ‘pull this off,’ Sally and I have decided we can’t. We look forward to either you or Hillary hosting and we’ll take notes to see how it’s done. Let us know if you want us to bring a bottle of wine or a pie.”

Ridiculous.

dp It is not ridiculous. I wouldn't even celebrate with them if MIL doesn't make it right. I would do my own thing.

So shoot first and ask questions later? What’s so hard about calling MIL up or having the son do it to clarify what’s going on? There is zero harm in doing that.

You did not read what I wrote. IF mil does not make it right...meaning if after dh or op has talked to MIL and she still hasn't apologized than I would cancel. There is no way I would want them at my table knowing what they really think.

And btw, if it was really just a comment to make SIL feel better she would have waited until she actually talked to her rather than leave a message.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you have a generally good relationship with your mother in law. I’d try to just let this go.

Maybe next time you are together you can bring it up in a friendly way. “That voicemail you left - what was that comment about? If I’m honest, it really hurt my feelings.”

In the scheme of things though, her comment wasn’t that awful. Taken in the most grace-giving light, it could be a comment on the intensity/work of hosting these things and not a referendum on you at all. With family, giving grace is generally a good thing.

OP here. Where’s the grace for me, who has once again said yes, when asked, to host multiple houseguests and do a ton of work for Thanksgiving? Where is my grace?

DH is really upset and said he is going to call his today. I think he’s more hurt than I am.

It comes when you f$& up, that’s how grace works! You’re talking about gratitude, which you also probably get for hosting, to your face. I mean good lord. This comment was a nothingburger and meant for someone else. You can’t go around with skin this thin.

Well apparently I’ve “f-ed up” by thinking I’m “up to hosting,” but I get no grace for any missteps I’ve made that no one has even told me about.

I honestly don’t get why you’re so upset about this. I would barely blink. It’s just a snarky comment between a mother and daughter. It doesn’t mean you made a misstep, in fact it probably means you do great and they’re just being catty about it. Either way, who cares? People are catty. They were wrong, but it’s just not a big deal. You weren’t supposed to hear it. I’m sure the MIL is mortified. If you give her a chance, there’s probably a better apology coming.

But if you’re really this upset about this comment, you might not be the easy breezy host you think you are. Because that’s a pretty high level of panty twist. I mean, “where’s my grace?” If I were your SIL in this situation, and I read dcum and that you said that, I would be making fun with my mother forever. And yes it would be wrong and I’d be mortified if you found out.

People who take on the lion’s share of hosting, at the request of others, do not deserve snark or cattiness. And if you get caught being snarky and catty in such a situation—yes, people are fallible, after all—you immediately call with a sincere apology, an explanation, and a promise to do better in the future. What you don’t do is reply with an emoji. MIL is clearly not “mortified” as she has taken no steps to apologize.

OP I suggest DH text MIL and SIL both, first a recording of the voice mail, and then a message—“Julie and I aren’t hosting this year, or going forward. We agree with you that Julie just isn’t up to it. We’ll show up with a pie, just let us know who will be hosting from now on.”

It's surprising to me how willing some people are to dial things up to 11. It sounds like OP enjoys hosting large family gatherings and that many people (cousins, etc, but probably also MIL and SIL) appreciate this. Should she stop hosting forever because MIL said one stupid thing? Should a long and generally good relationship with MIL be blown up over this? To what end? Also I will point out that SIL is getting some blame from OP and others here but hasn't actually done anything wrong.

If this is your perspective, why aren’t you asking: If they have a good relationship, why is MIL willing to jeopardize it over a mistake, instead of owning up to it and apologizing? Why is she hiding behind and emoji like a tween rather than picking up the phone and saying I know how that came across, and I am sorry and thank you so much for all you do to host. It’s so interesting that OP is the one who had something done to her, but you are putting it on OP to fix rather than on MIL. If it’s all so very simple, a simple apology should suffice, yes?

This x100
OP is the one hurt here. Why is it OP's responsibility to make things right

Ok. What should OP do if MIL doesn't make things right?

This is one of those situations where it's smart to ask yourself: do I want to be right or do I want to be happy? If OP can be right AND happy, great! But if she can't have both, she will need to decide. Yes, that will be on her.

NP. If MIL doesn’t make things right, then I think DH should make this very easy: “Upon reflection of your doubts that we can ‘pull this off,’ Sally and I have decided we can’t. We look forward to either you or Hillary hosting and we’ll take notes to see how it’s done. Let us know if you want us to bring a bottle of wine or a pie.”

Ridiculous.

dp It is not ridiculous. I wouldn't even celebrate with them if MIL doesn't make it right. I would do my own thing.

So shoot first and ask questions later? What’s so hard about calling MIL up or having the son do it to clarify what’s going on? There is zero harm in doing that.

You did not read what I wrote. IF mil does not make it right...meaning if after dh or op has talked to MIL and she still hasn't apologized than I would cancel. There is no way I would want them at my table knowing what they really think.

And btw, if it was really just a comment to make SIL feel better she would have waited until she actually talked to her rather than leave a message.

You assume she needs to make it right without knowing what was meant. Maybe approach this without a chip on the shoulder and an open heart. Will probably be a lot more successful that way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you have a generally good relationship with your mother in law. I’d try to just let this go.

Maybe next time you are together you can bring it up in a friendly way. “That voicemail you left - what was that comment about? If I’m honest, it really hurt my feelings.”

In the scheme of things though, her comment wasn’t that awful. Taken in the most grace-giving light, it could be a comment on the intensity/work of hosting these things and not a referendum on you at all. With family, giving grace is generally a good thing.

OP here. Where’s the grace for me, who has once again said yes, when asked, to host multiple houseguests and do a ton of work for Thanksgiving? Where is my grace?

DH is really upset and said he is going to call his today. I think he’s more hurt than I am.

It comes when you f$& up, that’s how grace works! You’re talking about gratitude, which you also probably get for hosting, to your face. I mean good lord. This comment was a nothingburger and meant for someone else. You can’t go around with skin this thin.

Well apparently I’ve “f-ed up” by thinking I’m “up to hosting,” but I get no grace for any missteps I’ve made that no one has even told me about.

I honestly don’t get why you’re so upset about this. I would barely blink. It’s just a snarky comment between a mother and daughter. It doesn’t mean you made a misstep, in fact it probably means you do great and they’re just being catty about it. Either way, who cares? People are catty. They were wrong, but it’s just not a big deal. You weren’t supposed to hear it. I’m sure the MIL is mortified. If you give her a chance, there’s probably a better apology coming.

But if you’re really this upset about this comment, you might not be the easy breezy host you think you are. Because that’s a pretty high level of panty twist. I mean, “where’s my grace?” If I were your SIL in this situation, and I read dcum and that you said that, I would be making fun with my mother forever. And yes it would be wrong and I’d be mortified if you found out.

People who take on the lion’s share of hosting, at the request of others, do not deserve snark or cattiness. And if you get caught being snarky and catty in such a situation—yes, people are fallible, after all—you immediately call with a sincere apology, an explanation, and a promise to do better in the future. What you don’t do is reply with an emoji. MIL is clearly not “mortified” as she has taken no steps to apologize.

OP I suggest DH text MIL and SIL both, first a recording of the voice mail, and then a message—“Julie and I aren’t hosting this year, or going forward. We agree with you that Julie just isn’t up to it. We’ll show up with a pie, just let us know who will be hosting from now on.”

It's surprising to me how willing some people are to dial things up to 11. It sounds like OP enjoys hosting large family gatherings and that many people (cousins, etc, but probably also MIL and SIL) appreciate this. Should she stop hosting forever because MIL said one stupid thing? Should a long and generally good relationship with MIL be blown up over this? To what end? Also I will point out that SIL is getting some blame from OP and others here but hasn't actually done anything wrong.

MIL started it

Are you 8?

It is a fact. 8 year olds are very smart!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you have a generally good relationship with your mother in law. I’d try to just let this go.

Maybe next time you are together you can bring it up in a friendly way. “That voicemail you left - what was that comment about? If I’m honest, it really hurt my feelings.”

In the scheme of things though, her comment wasn’t that awful. Taken in the most grace-giving light, it could be a comment on the intensity/work of hosting these things and not a referendum on you at all. With family, giving grace is generally a good thing.

OP here. Where’s the grace for me, who has once again said yes, when asked, to host multiple houseguests and do a ton of work for Thanksgiving? Where is my grace?

DH is really upset and said he is going to call his today. I think he’s more hurt than I am.

It comes when you f$& up, that’s how grace works! You’re talking about gratitude, which you also probably get for hosting, to your face. I mean good lord. This comment was a nothingburger and meant for someone else. You can’t go around with skin this thin.

Well apparently I’ve “f-ed up” by thinking I’m “up to hosting,” but I get no grace for any missteps I’ve made that no one has even told me about.

I honestly don’t get why you’re so upset about this. I would barely blink. It’s just a snarky comment between a mother and daughter. It doesn’t mean you made a misstep, in fact it probably means you do great and they’re just being catty about it. Either way, who cares? People are catty. They were wrong, but it’s just not a big deal. You weren’t supposed to hear it. I’m sure the MIL is mortified. If you give her a chance, there’s probably a better apology coming.

But if you’re really this upset about this comment, you might not be the easy breezy host you think you are. Because that’s a pretty high level of panty twist. I mean, “where’s my grace?” If I were your SIL in this situation, and I read dcum and that you said that, I would be making fun with my mother forever. And yes it would be wrong and I’d be mortified if you found out.

People who take on the lion’s share of hosting, at the request of others, do not deserve snark or cattiness. And if you get caught being snarky and catty in such a situation—yes, people are fallible, after all—you immediately call with a sincere apology, an explanation, and a promise to do better in the future. What you don’t do is reply with an emoji. MIL is clearly not “mortified” as she has taken no steps to apologize.

OP I suggest DH text MIL and SIL both, first a recording of the voice mail, and then a message—“Julie and I aren’t hosting this year, or going forward. We agree with you that Julie just isn’t up to it. We’ll show up with a pie, just let us know who will be hosting from now on.”

It's surprising to me how willing some people are to dial things up to 11. It sounds like OP enjoys hosting large family gatherings and that many people (cousins, etc, but probably also MIL and SIL) appreciate this. Should she stop hosting forever because MIL said one stupid thing? Should a long and generally good relationship with MIL be blown up over this? To what end? Also I will point out that SIL is getting some blame from OP and others here but hasn't actually done anything wrong.

MIL started it

Are you 8?

It is a fact. 8 year olds are very smart!

OP would be better off not trying to take advice from the dysfunctional loons in here who have anger management problems.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe I’m the minority but I would have ignored it, she probably would have figured out her error and it would be quite satisfying to leave her wondering at your silence

I would want to do this, but I don't know if I could. I might be able to not addres it, but also not host with no explanation.