People who don’t reciprocate
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Anonymous
Isn't accepting the invitation an indication they like spending time with you? If they don't, they'll either ghost you or keep being too busy. |
Anonymous
Actually, no. Many many people here have said that they feel obligated to accept invitations as declining is too awkward. So you have a bunch of reluctant attendees because they can't put on their big boy/girl pants and JUST SAY NO. |
Anonymous
Op here. I feel we are always the ones who are not given to by everyone. I guess I have to accept our situation. All three of my kids have a lot of friends. It just feels like we do the inviting and hosting 90%+ of the time. |
Anonymous
Perhaps you are leaning too heavily on people for these invites then. I personally do not have a lot of trouble saying no to a n invite I don't want to go to. But I do sometimes go to things out of obligation especially if it's an invite from a school or neighborhood family and our kids are friends. Some people are pushy and insistent about "getting the kids together" and if my kid genuinely likes theirs I will accept. But I might not reciprocate because we have a small home and DH and I are lower energy people in general. So like we have some school and neighborhood families who have hosted us for playdates or get-togethers several times and we've never reciprocated but I don't feel bad about it because if it were up to me our kids would just play together at school and we'd do some playground hangs occasionally after school and on weekends. When they are older if they want to do sleepovers or whatever we'd host that. But I just do not want to host their whole family at my house to facilitate the kids hanging out -- it's small and awkward and I'm tired. They clearly really want that kind of dynamic and if they ask us to come over for that at their place I will accept. But I'm never going to reciprocate because that's just not how I want to interact. I'm only doing it at their place for my kid's sake and because they have suggested it 14 times and I don't feel like I can make anymore excuses. |
Anonymous
I wonder to what degree being a 3-kid family with 3 very social kids is skewing your perspective on this. I have an only and we are friends with a lot of other families with onlies and I think hosting has a totally different vibe for us because we are genuinely grateful to get together with another family with kids so that our kid has playmates. I really do feel like when another famiily comes to our house to hang out they are doing us a favor on some level because my kid loves it so much. She's also shy and makes friends very slowly. A lot of her friends wind up being similar and there's just generally a very supportive and reciprocal vibe because all us parents are just happy to see our kids making friends and having a chance to socialize however we can. I wonder if some of the families you feel resentment towards might just be in a very different place -- different number of kids or different kid personalities or different parent personalities. And you have this idea in your head of how it's supposed to be but it's driven a lot by the size of your family and clearly having very social kids and parents in your family. I bet if we asked some of these other families who you feel are "takers" to describe the dynamic they'd have a very different perspective on it that could be eye opening. Not that it would necessarily prove you wrong -- your perspective is as valid as theirs. I just think you are coming at this from a very specific perspective with the expectation that everyone has the same goals as you do and I think probably they don't and that's where the mismatch is coming in. Just something to think about. |
Anonymous
There might be something about being a busy social 3 kid family. Between the 3 kids, we have at least one thing going on everyday. Often we have 3 things (1 per kid) in an afternoon. I have had people be shocked by getting a glimpse of our calendar on my phone. If I am picking up my kid from school or sports, kids often leave with us to come over or we may take kid with us to eat. No one ever does this for us. We do carpool so others drive my kid sometimes but they get dropped off at home, often with the carpooler’s kid. We do probably have the nicest house. I don’t know how much this matters. |
Anonymous
In the first scenario if your kid doesn't enjoy hanging out with the other kid definitely don't keep accepting playdates. Let that family focus on kids who are actually interested in their kid. They'll figure something out. If a family enjoys hosting large parties accept if your kid actually wants to go. But if your kid is going to their house multiple times a year for large parties it would be considerate to at least do one playdate. It doesn't have to be a large party and it doesn't have to be at your house. You can just offer to take the kids to a trampoline gym or a fun playground or a movie. When kids are in preschool or kindergarten and parents are hosting all class parties you can probably get away with not reciprocating but as kids get older and form friendships it does become more noticeable. |
Anonymous
I don't think OP was referring to people like you because it sounds like you do reciprocate (just in different forms). I think they are referring to the families that don't reach out, that don't help out, that don't initiate but are always happily accepting invitations. And if your kid is actually interested in going to these events or hanging out with these kids than even if you, as a parent, don't care you need to take into account that your kids might care if they stopped getting invites. |
Anonymous
Honestly, if these people are only accepting your invites and never reaching out to you in any other way, I'm not sure they want to be your friend. I don't reciprocate/host parties/etc., but I absolutely reach out to people I want to develop friendships with. Text them, go for walks, get lunch/coffee, etc. If that's not happening, then I would pursue other relationships. |