People who don’t reciprocate

[Anonymous]

I’m curious if people who don’t ever reciprocate are aware that they never reciprocate.

Do they just not care and fine with always being the taker?

There are people we have known for years who never host, never invite, never pick up a bill, never offer anything.

I absolutely understand not everyone has a home suitable for hosting but there are so many ways to reciprocate. I’m amazed at the people who just take take take and never give anything in return.

[Anonymous]

Why do you keep reaching out to those people? And if you are not reaching out and they are reaching out to you for favors, why keep engaging?

[Anonymous]

There are a multitude of reasons why they may not be able to reciprocate. Don’t take such offense and just back off a bit. See what happens and if they reach out after a while.

[Anonymous]

The truth is that some parents are always offering based on their own motivations and if I don’t reciprocate at the same level, I am willing to accept the consequences.

Eg - one set of parents always want to host sleepovers, like every weekend. Personally I hate them and don’t like to host. If the fact that I don’t reciprocate means they stop having sleepovers, fine by me.

Another mom is always planning elaborate events as part of her competitive parenting efforts with her ex spouse. She is also crazy. If she views me as a taker and stops including my kid, then that’s fine too. These kids are now in high school, so they can plan their own activities anyway.

[Anonymous]

Some people are just oblivious.

[Anonymous]

There are literally a thousand threads on this issue. Why keep rehashing it?

[Anonymous]

I host and invite a lot. I stopped caring what others do. Some are too stressed, some just don't think about it etc. I grew up with my parents friends always over so thats my normal and its not stressful for me. My DDs bff never invited us over until they moved and rarely hosted anywhere else. They are still lovely people, just have other stuff going on. Kids are still in touch and oddly since moving they have reached out more to plan getting together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The truth is that some parents are always offering based on their own motivations and if I don’t reciprocate at the same level, I am willing to accept the consequences.

Eg - one set of parents always want to host sleepovers, like every weekend. Personally I hate them and don’t like to host. If the fact that I don’t reciprocate means they stop having sleepovers, fine by me.

Another mom is always planning elaborate events as part of her competitive parenting efforts with her ex spouse. She is also crazy. If she views me as a taker and stops including my kid, then that’s fine too. These kids are now in high school, so they can plan their own activities anyway.

You don't have to reciprocate in kind. You can reciprocate in some other way.

[Anonymous]

People did not learn manners growing up. They are rude.

[Anonymous]

I think I reciprocate but I have to tell you honestly, I don’t keep track of this at all.

[Anonymous]

First off, you don't need to pay for everything when you go out. Each pay your own except when you have the kids alone then you pay. You invite, your choice. Stop hosting and inviting.

[Anonymous]

What counts as reciprocating to you.

We have a lot of friends who have a much greater ability to host than we do. We live in an apartment and we don't have as much money. It is what it is. There are times when I am unsure of whether to accept an invite for something because I know we will never ever be able to truly reciprocate. It can be a great sources of stress for me.

But I want to see my friends and I don't want to let these relationships die. So we go and we are gracious guests. If we are being hosted at someone's home we always bring a hostess gift (alcohol or flowers) and also often bring a treat to share or something for the kids. We say thank you and if appropriate we send thank you notes.

Also one thing I've notices is that some of our wealthier friends just don't want to do things that would constitute reciprocation on our end. Like if they host a family gathering at their house with a bounce house and grilling and the kids playing in the yard and we then invite them to our apartment for brunch and letting the kids watch a movie together in our kids' shared bedroom they are never available for that invite. I think they just don't want to. Which I get -- if I had a big house and yard and a lot of money to host I don't know that I would want to go crowd into a friend's apartment with less to do and less room for the kids.

Likewise if our friends treat us to dinner by inviting us to a steak house and then we try to reciprocate by inviting them to our favorite local pizza place I think they just don't want to. Some do and some don't.

So if you are friends with people who have wildly different resources than you do and are throwing fits about how they don't reciprocate then you should ask yourself honestly if you would be happy if they reciprocated at a level appropriate for their income. If yes then gently suggest it sometime ("We'd love to meet up at your place sometime too -- maybe we could meet up for brunch and then go to that great park down the street since I know the kids all love that place").

But if truthfully you are going to look down your nose at someone hosting or treating at a much cheaper level then be realistic about whether you can expect reciprocation. People don't want to feel judged or rejected.

[Anonymous]

I also host a lot. I used to think some people never reciprocate. I've since learned those people just don't reciprocate with our family. Parents are trying to social engineer friendships with the right people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The truth is that some parents are always offering based on their own motivations and if I don’t reciprocate at the same level, I am willing to accept the consequences.

Eg - one set of parents always want to host sleepovers, like every weekend. Personally I hate them and don’t like to host. If the fact that I don’t reciprocate means they stop having sleepovers, fine by me.

Another mom is always planning elaborate events as part of her competitive parenting efforts with her ex spouse. She is also crazy. If she views me as a taker and stops including my kid, then that’s fine too. These kids are now in high school, so they can plan their own activities anyway.

You don't have to reciprocate in kind. You can reciprocate in some other way.

People get embarrassed though. If you are always very elaborate and spend a ton when you host then people may not feel comfortable reciprocating in a way that might make them feel judged.

If you care a lot about things being reciprocal then you might want to consider hosting and treating people in a way that makes it possible for them to reciprocate at vaguely the same level. This is part of etiquette too actually. Instead of hosting an elaborate catered party with professional decorations try inviting people over for pizza and a movie. They are much more likely to reciprocate that because (1) they can and (2) that invite makes it feel like you actually want to hang out with them and aren't just showing off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:First off, you don't need to pay for everything when you go out. Each pay your own except when you have the kids alone then you pay. You invite, your choice. Stop hosting and inviting.

+1 -- stop insisting on paying. That's actually weird and I would find it stressful if another family was always insisting on paying for outings (and then privately seething because we are not reciprocating -- if it's a joint outing then why wouldn't we all just pay our own way).

Likewise when you host at home do it in a way that is more communal and then it matters less if they are able to host at their home in the same way. Host but ask if they can bring dessert or a salad. Say "hey if you have any yard games for the kids you should bring them!" in order to communicate that it can be a joint effort. This can take some of the pressure off you and also gives them ways to contribute without having to feel like they have to be able to host you in the exact same way in order to reciprocate.