People who don’t reciprocate

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:First off, you don't need to pay for everything when you go out. Each pay your own except when you have the kids alone then you pay. You invite, your choice. Stop hosting and inviting.

+1 -- stop insisting on paying. That's actually weird and I would find it stressful if another family was always insisting on paying for outings (and then privately seething because we are not reciprocating -- if it's a joint outing then why wouldn't we all just pay our own way).

Likewise when you host at home do it in a way that is more communal and then it matters less if they are able to host at their home in the same way. Host but ask if they can bring dessert or a salad. Say "hey if you have any yard games for the kids you should bring them!" in order to communicate that it can be a joint effort. This can take some of the pressure off you and also gives them ways to contribute without having to feel like they have to be able to host you in the exact same way in order to reciprocate.

I think what’s being suggested is that if you never host and constantly take because you have a small home, or can’t plan, or don’t like having people over, or whatever over that you could reciprocate by picking up a bill once in awhile.

[Anonymous]

It seems like people are extremely busy. They will accept an invitation but won’t take the time to plan their own event. I’m not very busy compared to a lot of people but I can understand that others are. They work more difficult jobs, or have a lot of local family that they spend time with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:First off, you don't need to pay for everything when you go out. Each pay your own except when you have the kids alone then you pay. You invite, your choice. Stop hosting and inviting.

+1 -- stop insisting on paying. That's actually weird and I would find it stressful if another family was always insisting on paying for outings (and then privately seething because we are not reciprocating -- if it's a joint outing then why wouldn't we all just pay our own way).

Likewise when you host at home do it in a way that is more communal and then it matters less if they are able to host at their home in the same way. Host but ask if they can bring dessert or a salad. Say "hey if you have any yard games for the kids you should bring them!" in order to communicate that it can be a joint effort. This can take some of the pressure off you and also gives them ways to contribute without having to feel like they have to be able to host you in the exact same way in order to reciprocate.

I think what’s being suggested is that if you never host and constantly take because you have a small home, or can’t plan, or don’t like having people over, or whatever over that you could reciprocate by picking up a bill once in awhile.

I hope not, that’s gross.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I also host a lot. I used to think some people never reciprocate. I've since learned those people just don't reciprocate with our family. Parents are trying to social engineer friendships with the right people.

In dc it’s hard to find people who don’t base everything on networking

[Anonymous]

We host a ton and have a few neighbors who rarely reciprocate. It's fine - that's not why we host! I genuinely like having people over and we have a decent set up for entertaining, though our house is not that big. I also have learned to take people up on their offers to bring something and that takes the burden way off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:First off, you don't need to pay for everything when you go out. Each pay your own except when you have the kids alone then you pay. You invite, your choice. Stop hosting and inviting.

+1 -- stop insisting on paying. That's actually weird and I would find it stressful if another family was always insisting on paying for outings (and then privately seething because we are not reciprocating -- if it's a joint outing then why wouldn't we all just pay our own way).

Likewise when you host at home do it in a way that is more communal and then it matters less if they are able to host at their home in the same way. Host but ask if they can bring dessert or a salad. Say "hey if you have any yard games for the kids you should bring them!" in order to communicate that it can be a joint effort. This can take some of the pressure off you and also gives them ways to contribute without having to feel like they have to be able to host you in the exact same way in order to reciprocate.

I think what’s being suggested is that if you never host and constantly take because you have a small home, or can’t plan, or don’t like having people over, or whatever over that you could reciprocate by picking up a bill once in awhile.

I hope not, that’s gross.

Weird but ok. All take and no give.

[Anonymous]

People probably consider me one of these people but I just don’t have time for it. I have 3 kids and they are always being invited by friends to different places, I usually have to carve out time to get them to wherever their friend invited them to. I always send mine with money to pay for themselves, though. If you don’t want to host their kids, then don’t. After reading a few threads like these over the years sometimes I don’t want to let them go with their friends if they’re keeping a tally like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:First off, you don't need to pay for everything when you go out. Each pay your own except when you have the kids alone then you pay. You invite, your choice. Stop hosting and inviting.

+1 -- stop insisting on paying. That's actually weird and I would find it stressful if another family was always insisting on paying for outings (and then privately seething because we are not reciprocating -- if it's a joint outing then why wouldn't we all just pay our own way).

Likewise when you host at home do it in a way that is more communal and then it matters less if they are able to host at their home in the same way. Host but ask if they can bring dessert or a salad. Say "hey if you have any yard games for the kids you should bring them!" in order to communicate that it can be a joint effort. This can take some of the pressure off you and also gives them ways to contribute without having to feel like they have to be able to host you in the exact same way in order to reciprocate.

I think what’s being suggested is that if you never host and constantly take because you have a small home, or can’t plan, or don’t like having people over, or whatever over that you could reciprocate by picking up a bill once in awhile.

I hope not, that’s gross.

Weird but ok. All take and no give.

Not super weird. We have neighbors that we spend time with, but if we don't split the bill when we eat out with them they will order the most expensive entree's, the most expensive wine (2-3 bottles that they mostly drink themselves)...etc. They make significantly more than we do, and are 10 years further into their careers than we are. So, now we host them at our house where we can control the cost of the evening, but I don't blame someone on a budget for not just "picking up the bill" occasionally.

[Anonymous]

Don't host looking for people to reciprocate. Often the people who don't reciprocate would be perfectly happy not to go to your house, dinner party, etc. My kids never asked for playdates and were happy at home w/ siblings or entertaining themselves. So if you don't like non-reciprocators, don't invite them anymore. Please, oh please, just stop posting on DCUM about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't host looking for people to reciprocate. Often the people who don't reciprocate would be perfectly happy not to go to your house, dinner party, etc. My kids never asked for playdates and were happy at home w/ siblings or entertaining themselves. So if you don't like non-reciprocators, don't invite them anymore. Please, oh please, just stop posting on DCUM about it.

If you're perfectly happy not go to someone's house or dinner party...why don't you just decline, then? So odd. You seem to imply their invitations are an imposition. You can always say no.

[Anonymous]

I not understand why people continue to invite those who never reciprocate. If things don’t roughly equal out after a year or so of friendship, I assume they don’t actually like me and I move on and never invite again. Invest in those who invest in you.

[Anonymous]

Also you don’t know what’s going on. Maybe one spouse doesn’t want guests in the house or is uptight or who knows. Not everyone wants to deal w people in the house or has a huge budget. Just do what your comfortable w.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't host looking for people to reciprocate. Often the people who don't reciprocate would be perfectly happy not to go to your house, dinner party, etc. My kids never asked for playdates and were happy at home w/ siblings or entertaining themselves. So if you don't like non-reciprocators, don't invite them anymore. Please, oh please, just stop posting on DCUM about it.

If you're perfectly happy not go to someone's house or dinner party...why don't you just decline, then? So odd. You seem to imply their invitations are an imposition. You can always say no.

Because I'm happy to go to the dinner party too. I'm fine either way. If you only want people to come to your parties, etc. who will reciprocate then stop inviting me after I don't reciprocate. Problem solved. Stop acting like reciprocation is a requirement...it's not. But, just so you know, you might lose some pretty good friends if you're going to keep score like this and insist on tit for tat. We have friends who host all the time. We have never hosted them at our house in 10 years or gone out to dinner. However, there are other ways to reciprocate and be a good friend. First, when they host, we always bring something (usually homemade that I know the hosts don't like making themselves). Second, we've helped this family in many other ways over the years...in a professional context, supporting their kid in various ways, etc. Plus, our kids have been very good friends for 10+ years. I'm pretty sure if you asked them, they would say we have had a strong, long-term friendship and they are glad they didn't cut us off because we don't like to host. So, I suggest you be a little more open-minded about friendships and what it means to be a good friend instead of looking for your next dinner invite.

[Anonymous]

We are all very introverted and get more invitations than we'd want anyway, so rarely reciprocate. Some folks do drop us for not reciprocating, which is fine because we are already getting more invitations than we want. If anything hard/serious comes up, we are totally there for friends; frequent socializing just isn't our thing. We are also direct about all this with friends, as I never want anyone to think it's something personal -- we are just quiet people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:First off, you don't need to pay for everything when you go out. Each pay your own except when you have the kids alone then you pay. You invite, your choice. Stop hosting and inviting.

+1 -- stop insisting on paying. That's actually weird and I would find it stressful if another family was always insisting on paying for outings (and then privately seething because we are not reciprocating -- if it's a joint outing then why wouldn't we all just pay our own way).

Likewise when you host at home do it in a way that is more communal and then it matters less if they are able to host at their home in the same way. Host but ask if they can bring dessert or a salad. Say "hey if you have any yard games for the kids you should bring them!" in order to communicate that it can be a joint effort. This can take some of the pressure off you and also gives them ways to contribute without having to feel like they have to be able to host you in the exact same way in order to reciprocate.

I think what’s being suggested is that if you never host and constantly take because you have a small home, or can’t plan, or don’t like having people over, or whatever over that you could reciprocate by picking up a bill once in awhile.

I hope not, that’s gross.

Weird but ok. All take and no give.

Not super weird. We have neighbors that we spend time with, but if we don't split the bill when we eat out with them they will order the most expensive entree's, the most expensive wine (2-3 bottles that they mostly drink themselves)...etc. They make significantly more than we do, and are 10 years further into their careers than we are. So, now we host them at our house where we can control the cost of the evening, but I don't blame someone on a budget for not just "picking up the bill" occasionally.

You’re still not getting it. It’s not how you handle the bill every time presumably you normally split the bill. But if you’re taking advantage of going to their parties and events frequently then offer to pay the bill once in awhile when it comes. Like “oh let us get this one” When they don’t see the offer and order normally. And only offer to do this at a place you are comfortable with.

And if they wouldn’t let you pay then obviously this isn’t a relevant issue for you.