How to get through to DH that doing 80% doesn't count?

[Anonymous]

I read the subject line and was all ready to say "but at least he's doing 80%" but your examples made me really annoyed for you. I'm sorry.

That said. Never expect him to fold your laundry. That will never happen to your satisfaction. The rule in our house is I'll do the laundry but I'm only folding and putting away my own. Not anyone else's. so let him off the hook on that. The rest? Game on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:OP I get it. I have a DH who likes to claim he "did 4 loads of laundry today" when he's working from home but what he actually did was move 4 loads of laundry through the machines and then pile them all on a chair in the living room where they will stay for days unless I give up and fold them first. I've told him that I don't really consider myself to have done a load of laundry until it's put away and he was like "oh you're too hard on yourself -- I think just getting it cleaned is an accomplishment."

This would break me.

The hardest part of laundry is folding it and putting it away after. If you don't fold it right away then it's wrinkly and you have to look at each thing and decide to fluff it or iron to make it look decent.

Finding a massive unwashed pile of clothing in the hamper is preferable to encountering a mystery stack of wrinkled but clean clothes.

PP here and yes I totally agree. I thought of this example reading OP's post because last week we were both working from home on Friday when he did this and it was a genuine source of stress for me to watch that pile grow throughout the day. I said something to him about it ("maybe we shouldn't do anymore laundry today as it's going to take a while to get through all the folding") and he was like "don't worry about it -- I want to get through all the washing first." The pile sat there all weekend until finally I broke down on Sunday and folded it. I didn't fluff or iron anything because I just refuse but it took me a full hour and I was very irritated. But if I say anything he'll be like "I can't believe you are mad at me for doing the laundry."

It sounds like “we” didn’t do laundry that day… HE did laundry and “we” weren’t involved until you did YOUR share and folded it… an entire week later. I’ll bet HE didn’t complain, though.

Well I was working and didn't have time to fold four loads of laundry that day -- I was working. Turns out he also didn't have time to fold the laundry either because he didn't. Anyone can just move laundry through the machines during little breaks between calls or whatever -- this takes maybe a minute or two per load. So he spent 10 minutes doing laundry on Friday and I spent an hour folding and putting away laundry on Sunday (2 days later not an entire week -- eventually we actually needed those clothes to wear).

Why would he complain about this. He actually thinks he accomplished something but I did more than half of the work.

LOL. Then why the heck didn’t YOU do any of it? By your own admission you were BOTH working from home and yet HE is the only one who did any laundry chores. And I guess you guys don’t sort your laundry or have any delicate or stained items if it only takes a minute or two per load to get them clean.

And finally, folding is not that difficult. Stop being a drama queen.

I didn't do laundry that day because I did not have time to fold it and put it away. I did it on the weekend when I had time to *complete the task.* I didn't want to start a chore and then leave it sitting in the middle of the living room for two days because I don't want a pile of wrinkles clothes sitting in the living room for two days.

If my DH wanted to do laundry he should have done only as many loads as HE could fold and put away that day. But he wants credit for doing the first third of the task (the easiest and least time consuming part). I could have done laundry on Sunday when I was doing stuff around the house anyway and the folded the clothes as they came out if the dryer before they got all wrinkled and I would have been no worse off. But DH wants a cookie for half assing a task and then leaving it for me to finish. He didn't help! It was inefficient and poorly done. Why should I be grateful for that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm the pp who said it is part of my ADHD.

I have a very active and constantly changing job so it kind of works well for me. I also have lists at work. I think I also put a lot of my brain power into work, so when I'm home it tends to shut off more.

As for the ADHD thing part, it is definitely procrastination and not a resistance to being told what to do. Like I said, DH has brought it up before and I have made a big effort to change. I really wish I could say why my brain does what it does. For instance, I could vacuum the living room and my brain would say "just leave the vacuum there, you can get it later" and then I'll go off and do something else. I have to stop and say "no, put it away now".

Another example happened recently. I was reorganizing our bathroom and getting rid of towels. I was about halfway through reorganizing when I looked at the area I store my make up and said "hmm...I should really go through my make up". So I stopped the towels and started going through my makeup. As I went through my makeup, I realized my makeup brushes needed to be cleaned. So I stopped going through my makeup and cleaned my brushes. Which led to me noticing that the counter tops were messy. So I put the make up brushes down and started cleaning the countertop. I had to process in my brain after "Ok, finish the brushes. Then put away the make up. Then finish the towels." Otherwise I would have just walked out of the bathroom with it being half done and remembered it hours early. Also hence why I have lists.

I wish I had a good answer for how to help your husband. I changed because I know it bothered DH and I don't want to do things that upset him.

I don't quite get this. I have never been diagnosed with ADHD but I do stuff like you-- get started with a task and then distracted by something else and distracted again. But also like you, I then notice I left a task unfinished and go back and finish it. Even if not right away -- usually before it becomes an issue. It might take me two days to organize the bathroom but it gets done and I'll say to my DH "I know the bathroom is a mess tonight, I'm sorry-- it was more than I expected and I'll have to finish tomorrow." DH is fine with it. He would never choose to organize the bathroom at all so he's not going to complain about one extra day if it being messy mid-organization.

But that's not what OP is talking about. She's talking about someone who dies part of a task, decides "well that's good," and then leaves it half done indefinitely even when it becomes very inconvenient or even burdensome for OP.

Even if the underlying behavior of getting distracted and struggling to finish tasks is ADHD (in which case maybe I have ADHD), the real issue is that second part where he just does not care enough about his partner to go back and finish it or put it away or even put it back how it was. He just leaves it for her to deal with.

That part isn't ADHD. It's selfishness, or some more severe neurodivergence that shows up as selfishness. And that's why people get annoyed on here when ADHD is used as some kind of all-purpose excuse for men who do not pull their weight at home. At some point when a grown adult is doing this stuff and making no effort to address it out if kindness and respect for their partner, it's not about "my brain just works different." It's "oh I just don't care about you."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Try FairPlay cards.

Men need to be called out that they are acting like babies and can, just like they do at work, take on adult responsibilities.

NP here who tried FairPlay. DH wouldn't read the book and ignored the cards, and announced that it was a waste of his time because everything was going ok already.

So he doesn't care if you are unhappy with how everything is going?

He said we should only put in the effort if both of us were unhappy and that he "compromises on other stuff" so I should compromise on wanting to do FairPlay.

It's one of those things that is just as maddening when you're living it as when you're reading about it, but it's easy to say someone should leave and just get a divorce. I wouldn't want to leave my child in his care until they are old enough to easily communicate with me and take care of their own basic needs and surroundings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Try FairPlay cards.

Men need to be called out that they are acting like babies and can, just like they do at work, take on adult responsibilities.

NP here who tried FairPlay. DH wouldn't read the book and ignored the cards, and announced that it was a waste of his time because everything was going ok already.

So he doesn't care if you are unhappy with how everything is going?

He said we should only put in the effort if both of us were unhappy and that he "compromises on other stuff" so I should compromise on wanting to do FairPlay.

It's one of those things that is just as maddening when you're living it as when you're reading about it, but it's easy to say someone should leave and just get a divorce. I wouldn't want to leave my child in his care until they are old enough to easily communicate with me and take care of their own basic needs and surroundings.

My husband is also like this.

I also think this is why my SIL divorced my brother --she unhappy with division of labor (among other things) but when she explicitly told my brother she was unhappy and it needed to be addressed he would blow it off and say he didn't think it was that bad and they certainly didn't need couples therapy or to read some books to get on the same page.

She divorced him when kids were 10 and 8. It was very hard on the kids even though they really tried to make it as easy as possible. Also my brother now has another wife who also has a kid and that is ALSO really hard on his kids from his first marriage and there's just a lot of strife generally.

So I keep working at it.

So I keep trying.

[Anonymous]

The dryer thing happens all the time and I threw it in his office the other day. What is wrong with men?

[Anonymous]

I’m going to put a sign on the washer that you need to fold the laundry the SAME day if you begin a load.

I already have a few notes around the house:


Please put shoes in the show cubby

If it’s after 10 am place dishes in the dishwasher


I need to also add one to the trash cabinet to take out trash or recycling if the bag is almost full or very smelly 😂

The two signs I made have actually worked pretty well. I tell dh they are also for the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I get it. I have a DH who likes to claim he "did 4 loads of laundry today" when he's working from home but what he actually did was move 4 loads of laundry through the machines and then pile them all on a chair in the living room where they will stay for days unless I give up and fold them first. I've told him that I don't really consider myself to have done a load of laundry until it's put away and he was like "oh you're too hard on yourself -- I think just getting it cleaned is an accomplishment."

Don't fold his clothes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can be guilty of this. I do think ADHD is something I struggle with but can mostly manage. I wish I could say why my brain does it. It's like. I know the laundry needs to be switched over but I just end up doing something else and keep saying "I'll do it later". The difference is that I know it drives DH crazy so I make a real effort to follow through on everything. I make a lot of lists. For whatever reason physically crossing things off helps me. I also make myself stop and say "no, bring the glass to the kitchen when you stand up. Don't say you'll do it later"

Tell me more about the ADHD part. Is this an ADHD thing? Is it procrastination or is it resistance to being told what to do? I'm genuinely curious because DH has ADHD and is medicated for it. It helps him be successful at work but does nothing for him at home.

This is how you know it’s not ADHD. Do you really think his medication is formulated to only be effective when he is in the office?

The medicine might wear off by evening if their DH takes the med early in the morning. The medicine doesn't work 24 hours a day.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I try really hard to give my DH partial credit.

He’s never ever going to turn into the partner I thought he was going to be, and I’ve tried really hard to let it go.

This is what I do too. It’s impossible to compel another adult to do things, and when I point out the work that didn’t get done, somehow I’m the shrew. I got tired of being considered “the problem”.

this is me too. when I bite my tongue because I see items from the dishwasher "still drying" I remind myself of the things he does around the house that I hate doing, or other ways he takes care of me. I'm not perfect either and I feel it's better in the long run to let some things slide

Why is “still drying” in quotes? Do you insist that dishes must be put away immediately? If yes, that’s definitely a “you” problem, and I’d tell you to do it yourself if it matters to you that much.

LOL. My DH believes deep in his heart that dishes need 3-5 days to air dry and clothing 2-3 weeks. He would die, eat off the floor, or go naked before he cleared an entire dishrack or drying rack. I brought this up last week and pointed to the dishtowel next to the dishrack when he complained that he had to stop doing dishes because the rack was full. I said "You know, you can dry the dishes with this towel. It's what it's for." He said "but then I have to put everything away and it all goes in different places."

This is tragic and hysterical. Maybe a moment when you could gently share that’s just how it has to work in this cruel world of ours?

[Anonymous]

He seems to be doing 80% of a lot. I’d be curious how much you’re actually doing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I try really hard to give my DH partial credit.

He’s never ever going to turn into the partner I thought he was going to be, and I’ve tried really hard to let it go.

This is what I do too. It’s impossible to compel another adult to do things, and when I point out the work that didn’t get done, somehow I’m the shrew. I got tired of being considered “the problem”.

this is me too. when I bite my tongue because I see items from the dishwasher "still drying" I remind myself of the things he does around the house that I hate doing, or other ways he takes care of me. I'm not perfect either and I feel it's better in the long run to let some things slide

Why is “still drying” in quotes? Do you insist that dishes must be put away immediately? If yes, that’s definitely a “you” problem, and I’d tell you to do it yourself if it matters to you that much.

LOL. My DH believes deep in his heart that dishes need 3-5 days to air dry and clothing 2-3 weeks. He would die, eat off the floor, or go naked before he cleared an entire dishrack or drying rack. I brought this up last week and pointed to the dishtowel next to the dishrack when he complained that he had to stop doing dishes because the rack was full. I said "You know, you can dry the dishes with this towel. It's what it's for." He said "but then I have to put everything away and it all goes in different places."

This is tragic and hysterical. Maybe a moment when you could gently share that’s just how it has to work in this cruel world of ours?

It is a cruel world, right?!

It's a lot to expect him memorize the locations of 10-20 items he's used daily over the course of 12 years. First he had to go to college, then he had to study for the GREs and the GMAT, then he had to watch me be pregnant and give birth, and now I'm asking him to walk 300 steps per day and remember where the colander goes?! Total pile-on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Murder

He had it coming

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The dryer thing happens all the time and I threw it in his office the other day. What is wrong with men?

This made me laugh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He seems to be doing 80% of a lot. I’d be curious how much you’re actually doing.

I can help you with the math, since you seem to be a DH who is struggling to get complete credit on this math problem.

Let x=a lot. If DH is doing 80% of a lot (assuming chores are split equally and not already in DH's favor, which is what time-use studies show), and DW does 100% of a lot plus DH's remaining share, then DH is doing .8x and DW is doing 1.2x.

So if x=20 hours/week, then DH is doing 16 hours worth of chores/week.

So to answer your question, DW is doing 24 hours worth of chores/week. Or 8 hours more than DH per week.