Would you consider having a revenge affair/ fling if your spouse had an affair and you decided to stay together?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No.

When my husband cheated, my high school sweetheart was newly single. He gets in touch every few years with some kind of special memory. I blocked him on SM to remove the temptation to reach out to him.

And to be honest, I wasn't too concerned about my husband's feelings at that time. But I knew that affairs are selfish, short-sighted, and destructive. Why would I do that to myself or to my imaginary AP? The endorphins would be brief, but the consequences would be long.

Ten years later, I know I made the right decision. If I want to be with someone else, I'll open my marriage, end my marriage, or work through those feelings some other way. But cheating is just a short term high with long-lasting harm.

I get what you’re saying but I don’t think anyone would consider a one night fling with a hot ex to be “cheating” in that scenario. And leveling the playing field could have real psychological benefits for some. I’m just talking about a fling, not a full on affair.

You're responding to me. You mention potential psychological benefits . . . I suppose you mean in the self-esteem department? Thankfully, that was not an issue for me. My spouse's desire to have sex with someone else was about his own biology and psychology. It had nothing to do with whether I was hot or worthy. The fact that I removed a temptation showed that I already believed I was hot and worthy. If that was impacted by my husband being a sexual creature susceptible to temptation, or whether or not I could get someone to sleep with me (duh, of course I could), then it wasn't based on anything of substance.

I highly doubt that 100% of people believe that a revenge fling is not cheating. That is way too high. I don't know of any great philosophers who preach that two wrongs make a right. Now do I think my spouse would have accepted a revenge affair? Quite possibly. I think he would have felt enough shame and guilt to stay with me despite it. But again, it would have been lots of mess and hurt for a very momentary bit of fun. Just because he did the same thing first doesn't change those realities.

the vast majority of philosophers and humans would consider a well-timed and satisfying fling in the wake of a partner’s affair to be quite excusable. It would be about sex, full stop. Nothing to do with proving yourself desirable or better, just evening the playing field. I don’t mean tit for tat necessarily, but it means you now
have an equal experience. Not sure why it would cause so much “hurt”. It makes you equals.

This makes me think of that maxim we all learn in kindergarten 'two wrongs don't make a....', wait no, not that it was, 'an eye for an eye' yeah.

[Anonymous]

the vast majority of philosophers and humans would consider a well-timed and satisfying fling in the wake of a partner’s affair to be quite excusable. It would be about sex, full stop. Nothing to do with proving yourself desirable or better, just evening the playing field. I don’t mean tit for tat necessarily, but it means you now
have an equal experience. Not sure why it would cause so much “hurt”. It makes you equals.

This makes me think of that maxim we all learn in kindergarten 'two wrongs don't make a....', wait no, not that it was, 'an eye for an eye' yeah.

OP, you know yourself (and your DH) best. Therefore, do not let the glib posters (like the "two wrongs" poster) unduly influence you. It may be that your DH can only understand how the affair made you feel after you have one yourself.

I know of circumstances where a DH had affairs, promised to stop, but did not until the DW had started having affairs herself. Once he knew that she had experienced and enjoyed another man, he understood the impact of his actions. In other words, the DH lacked the empathic awareness to understand how the DW felt until she treated him like he had treated her.

Of course, most men are not that shallow and feel actual remorse for the affair without having to feel the pain themselves. However, you know him well enough to know if he might need the lesson your affair would provide.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

the vast majority of philosophers and humans would consider a well-timed and satisfying fling in the wake of a partner’s affair to be quite excusable. It would be about sex, full stop. Nothing to do with proving yourself desirable or better, just evening the playing field. I don’t mean tit for tat necessarily, but it means you now
have an equal experience. Not sure why it would cause so much “hurt”. It makes you equals.

This makes me think of that maxim we all learn in kindergarten 'two wrongs don't make a....', wait no, not that it was, 'an eye for an eye' yeah.

OP, you know yourself (and your DH) best. Therefore, do not let the glib posters (like the "two wrongs" poster) unduly influence you. It may be that your DH can only understand how the affair made you feel after you have one yourself.

I know of circumstances where a DH had affairs, promised to stop, but did not until the DW had started having affairs herself. Once he knew that she had experienced and enjoyed another man, he understood the impact of his actions. In other words, the DH lacked the empathic awareness to understand how the DW felt until she treated him like he had treated her.

Of course, most men are not that shallow and feel actual remorse for the affair without having to feel the pain themselves. However, you know him well enough to know if he might need the lesson your affair would provide

.

OP, do you much care if he understands how you feel? Do you have any interest in continuing the marriage after the kids leave?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

the vast majority of philosophers and humans would consider a well-timed and satisfying fling in the wake of a partner’s affair to be quite excusable. It would be about sex, full stop. Nothing to do with proving yourself desirable or better, just evening the playing field. I don’t mean tit for tat necessarily, but it means you now
have an equal experience. Not sure why it would cause so much “hurt”. It makes you equals.

This makes me think of that maxim we all learn in kindergarten 'two wrongs don't make a....', wait no, not that it was, 'an eye for an eye' yeah.

OP, you know yourself (and your DH) best. Therefore, do not let the glib posters (like the "two wrongs" poster) unduly influence you. It may be that your DH can only understand how the affair made you feel after you have one yourself.

I know of circumstances where a DH had affairs, promised to stop, but did not until the DW had started having affairs herself. Once he knew that she had experienced and enjoyed another man, he understood the impact of his actions. In other words, the DH lacked the empathic awareness to understand how the DW felt until she treated him like he had treated her.

Of course, most men are not that shallow and feel actual remorse for the affair without having to feel the pain themselves. However, you know him well enough to know if he might need the lesson your affair would provide.

BTW, who would be included in the vast majority of philosophers?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

the vast majority of philosophers and humans would consider a well-timed and satisfying fling in the wake of a partner’s affair to be quite excusable. It would be about sex, full stop. Nothing to do with proving yourself desirable or better, just evening the playing field. I don’t mean tit for tat necessarily, but it means you now
have an equal experience. Not sure why it would cause so much “hurt”. It makes you equals.

This makes me think of that maxim we all learn in kindergarten 'two wrongs don't make a....', wait no, not that it was, 'an eye for an eye' yeah.

OP, you know yourself (and your DH) best. Therefore, do not let the glib posters (like the "two wrongs" poster) unduly influence you. It may be that your DH can only understand how the affair made you feel after you have one yourself.

I know of circumstances where a DH had affairs, promised to stop, but did not until the DW had started having affairs herself. Once he knew that she had experienced and enjoyed another man, he understood the impact of his actions. In other words, the DH lacked the empathic awareness to understand how the DW felt until she treated him like he had treated her.

Of course, most men are not that shallow and feel actual remorse for the affair without having to feel the pain themselves. However, you know him well enough to know if he might need the lesson your affair would provide.

"Wow, I had no empathy for you until I experienced being cheated on myself. Now I understand, and I forgive you, and I vow to be the spouse you deserve" is one possible outcome, sure, but I doubt it's the most likely one. The most likely outcome is divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

the vast majority of philosophers and humans would consider a well-timed and satisfying fling in the wake of a partner’s affair to be quite excusable. It would be about sex, full stop. Nothing to do with proving yourself desirable or better, just evening the playing field. I don’t mean tit for tat necessarily, but it means you now
have an equal experience. Not sure why it would cause so much “hurt”. It makes you equals.

This makes me think of that maxim we all learn in kindergarten 'two wrongs don't make a....', wait no, not that it was, 'an eye for an eye' yeah.

OP, you know yourself (and your DH) best. Therefore, do not let the glib posters (like the "two wrongs" poster) unduly influence you. It may be that your DH can only understand how the affair made you feel after you have one yourself.

I know of circumstances where a DH had affairs, promised to stop, but did not until the DW had started having affairs herself. Once he knew that she had experienced and enjoyed another man, he understood the impact of his actions. In other words, the DH lacked the empathic awareness to understand how the DW felt until she treated him like he had treated her.

Of course, most men are not that shallow and feel actual remorse for the affair without having to feel the pain themselves. However, you know him well enough to know if he might need the lesson your affair would provide.

Seriously: why stay married in this circumstance. Everyone in the bolded relationship behaved without honesty, integrity, or self-respect. This is sad.

There are worse things in life than being divorced and single. Seriously.

[Anonymous]

Because they value being with their kids every day! Americans don’t value family enough.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

the vast majority of philosophers and humans would consider a well-timed and satisfying fling in the wake of a partner’s affair to be quite excusable. It would be about sex, full stop. Nothing to do with proving yourself desirable or better, just evening the playing field. I don’t mean tit for tat necessarily, but it means you now
have an equal experience. Not sure why it would cause so much “hurt”. It makes you equals.

This makes me think of that maxim we all learn in kindergarten 'two wrongs don't make a....', wait no, not that it was, 'an eye for an eye' yeah.

OP, you know yourself (and your DH) best. Therefore, do not let the glib posters (like the "two wrongs" poster) unduly influence you. It may be that your DH can only understand how the affair made you feel after you have one yourself.

I know of circumstances where a DH had affairs, promised to stop, but did not until the DW had started having affairs herself. Once he knew that she had experienced and enjoyed another man, he understood the impact of his actions. In other words, the DH lacked the empathic awareness to understand how the DW felt until she treated him like he had treated her.

Of course, most men are not that shallow and feel actual remorse for the affair without having to feel the pain themselves. However, you know him well enough to know if he might need the lesson your affair would provide.

Seriously: why stay married in this circumstance. Everyone in the bolded relationship behaved without honesty, integrity, or self-respect. This is sad.

There are worse things in life than being divorced and single. Seriously.

[Anonymous]

OP, you know yourself (and your DH) best. Therefore, do not let the glib posters (like the "two wrongs" poster) unduly influence you. It may be that your DH can only understand how the affair made you feel after you have one yourself.

I know of circumstances where a DH had affairs, promised to stop, but did not until the DW had started having affairs herself. Once he knew that she had experienced and enjoyed another man, he understood the impact of his actions. In other words, the DH lacked the empathic awareness to understand how the DW felt until she treated him like he had treated her.

Of course, most men are not that shallow and feel actual remorse for the affair without having to feel the pain themselves. However, you know him well enough to know if he might need the lesson your affair would provide.

BTW, who would be included in the vast majority of philosophers?

WTF do you see anything about philosophers in the post you quoted?

[Anonymous]

"Wow, I had no empathy for you until I experienced being cheated on myself. Now I understand, and I forgive you, and I vow to be the spouse you deserve" is one possible outcome, sure, but I doubt it's the most likely one. The most likely outcome is divorce.

There are many possible outcomes.

However, as noted in the post, the OP knows herself and her DH best. Having her DH gain an empathic awareness of the situation via her having an affair might help in several ways, even if they ultimately divorce.

[Anonymous]

Seriously: why stay married in this circumstance. Everyone in the bolded relationship behaved without honesty, integrity, or self-respect. This is sad.

There are worse things in life than being divorced and single. Seriously.

Your post is redundant and unoriginal. How do you know that getting divorced will not be much worse for the OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

OP, you know yourself (and your DH) best. Therefore, do not let the glib posters (like the "two wrongs" poster) unduly influence you. It may be that your DH can only understand how the affair made you feel after you have one yourself.

I know of circumstances where a DH had affairs, promised to stop, but did not until the DW had started having affairs herself. Once he knew that she had experienced and enjoyed another man, he understood the impact of his actions. In other words, the DH lacked the empathic awareness to understand how the DW felt until she treated him like he had treated her.

Of course, most men are not that shallow and feel actual remorse for the affair without having to feel the pain themselves. However, you know him well enough to know if he might need the lesson your affair would provide.

BTW, who would be included in the vast majority of philosophers?

WTF do you see anything about philosophers in the post you quoted?

Do try to follow along and/or stop deflecting from your claim to have support from the majority of philosophers.

Dare you to go with Machiavelli.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Because they value being with their kids every day! Americans don’t value family enough.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

the vast majority of philosophers and humans would consider a well-timed and satisfying fling in the wake of a partner’s affair to be quite excusable. It would be about sex, full stop. Nothing to do with proving yourself desirable or better, just evening the playing field. I don’t mean tit for tat necessarily, but it means you now
have an equal experience. Not sure why it would cause so much “hurt”. It makes you equals.

This makes me think of that maxim we all learn in kindergarten 'two wrongs don't make a....', wait no, not that it was, 'an eye for an eye' yeah.

OP, you know yourself (and your DH) best. Therefore, do not let the glib posters (like the "two wrongs" poster) unduly influence you. It may be that your DH can only understand how the affair made you feel after you have one yourself.

I know of circumstances where a DH had affairs, promised to stop, but did not until the DW had started having affairs herself. Once he knew that she had experienced and enjoyed another man, he understood the impact of his actions. In other words, the DH lacked the empathic awareness to understand how the DW felt until she treated him like he had treated her.

Of course, most men are not that shallow and feel actual remorse for the affair without having to feel the pain themselves. However, you know him well enough to know if he might need the lesson your affair would provide.

Seriously: why stay married in this circumstance. Everyone in the bolded relationship behaved without honesty, integrity, or self-respect. This is sad.

There are worse things in life than being divorced and single. Seriously.

And they don’t mind lying to those children every day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

"Wow, I had no empathy for you until I experienced being cheated on myself. Now I understand, and I forgive you, and I vow to be the spouse you deserve" is one possible outcome, sure, but I doubt it's the most likely one. The most likely outcome is divorce.

There are many possible outcomes.

However, as noted in the post, the OP knows herself and her DH best. Having her DH gain an empathic awareness of the situation via her having an affair might help in several ways, even if they ultimately divorce.

Well, OP? Empathetic awareness? Do you care?

[Anonymous]

WTF do you see anything about philosophers in the post you quoted?

Do try to follow along and/or stop deflecting from your claim to have support from the majority of philosophers.

Dare you to go with Machiavelli.

You are the one who is lost. Again, where did the quoted post mention philosophers? You are confusing different posts from different posters. Because you are stupid.

[Anonymous]

It sure how they are lying the kids. It’s noble to suck it up to give your kids a wonderful home environment. Parents can fake things beer than you think.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because they value being with their kids every day! Americans don’t value family enough.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

the vast majority of philosophers and humans would consider a well-timed and satisfying fling in the wake of a partner’s affair to be quite excusable. It would be about sex, full stop. Nothing to do with proving yourself desirable or better, just evening the playing field. I don’t mean tit for tat necessarily, but it means you now
have an equal experience. Not sure why it would cause so much “hurt”. It makes you equals.

This makes me think of that maxim we all learn in kindergarten 'two wrongs don't make a....', wait no, not that it was, 'an eye for an eye' yeah.

OP, you know yourself (and your DH) best. Therefore, do not let the glib posters (like the "two wrongs" poster) unduly influence you. It may be that your DH can only understand how the affair made you feel after you have one yourself.

I know of circumstances where a DH had affairs, promised to stop, but did not until the DW had started having affairs herself. Once he knew that she had experienced and enjoyed another man, he understood the impact of his actions. In other words, the DH lacked the empathic awareness to understand how the DW felt until she treated him like he had treated her.

Of course, most men are not that shallow and feel actual remorse for the affair without having to feel the pain themselves. However, you know him well enough to know if he might need the lesson your affair would provide.

Seriously: why stay married in this circumstance. Everyone in the bolded relationship behaved without honesty, integrity, or self-respect. This is sad.

There are worse things in life than being divorced and single. Seriously.

And they don’t mind lying to those children every day.