Tell me about getting divorced in mid 40s

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a non-divorced person, this thread does not comport with my observations. Generally, the few divorced women I know (because nearly my entire peer network remains married) all traded down in the quality of man with whom they would associate. Perhaps for those dumb enough to choose beaters and addicts, the options are better after divorce.

One nearly universal outcome is that the children do not benefit. Divorce is often a selfish act--look at all the "me, me, me" discussion in this thread with nary a peep about the children.

This is spot on in my SES strata- UMC, Old Town. Every single one of my gfs that divorced is doing worse.

Define doing worse.

The most recent example I can remember divorced years ago. Physician wife left her physician husband because she wasn't "satsified" and wanted "more." Husband fought to keep the family together for their two teenage children, but mom could not be convinced. They divorced. Dad ends up remarrying a dowdy but personable woman within 18 months.

Mom goes on a bender sleeping with every dude she can find. Eventually, she settles for a personal trainer because the men she considers to be her peers have zero interest. The trainer eventually gets tired, so the mom then writes a self-help book. The vanity and delusion were astounding. Eventually, she posts pictures of herself and her dog on social media (I'm told--I don't have social media) and her now adult children stay away but have no completely abandoned her.

It's sad. She dumped her husband and destroyed her family so she could take hiking pictures alone with a dog.

[Anonymous]

The only thing more annoying than proclaiming you’re social media free is gossiping about socials you can’t see.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a non-divorced person, this thread does not comport with my observations. Generally, the few divorced women I know (because nearly my entire peer network remains married) all traded down in the quality of man with whom they would associate. Perhaps for those dumb enough to choose beaters and addicts, the options are better after divorce.

One nearly universal outcome is that the children do not benefit. Divorce is often a selfish act--look at all the "me, me, me" discussion in this thread with nary a peep about the children.

Your “study” is flawed.

Kids benefit from parents who stay married mostly when the parents are high functioning in the first place. When that is not the case, the kids aren’t likely to benefit as much by their parents staying married. A lot of the time, it is worse for them.

Therefore it is hard to draw conclusions about whether it is better for the kids if their parents divorce vs. stay married. You are confusing causation with correlation.

Look at the divorced parent trying to rationalize their failing by employing the midwit's favorite tool: correlation versus causation. It's easy to draw conclusions. Children of divorce do worse in educational attainment that children who lose a parent to death. Death is a great variable because it tends to be random. Yes, other factors, especially the genetics you indirectly reference with "high functioning" parents matter more, but divorce is still harmful.

Moral of the story: Don't get divorced if you love your children more than yourself. If you were selfish, please don't try to rationalize your decision.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a non-divorced person, this thread does not comport with my observations. Generally, the few divorced women I know (because nearly my entire peer network remains married) all traded down in the quality of man with whom they would associate. Perhaps for those dumb enough to choose beaters and addicts, the options are better after divorce.

One nearly universal outcome is that the children do not benefit. Divorce is often a selfish act--look at all the "me, me, me" discussion in this thread with nary a peep about the children.

This is spot on in my SES strata- UMC, Old Town. Every single one of my gfs that divorced is doing worse.

Define doing worse.

The most recent example I can remember divorced years ago. Physician wife left her physician husband because she wasn't "satsified" and wanted "more." Husband fought to keep the family together for their two teenage children, but mom could not be convinced. They divorced. Dad ends up remarrying a dowdy but personable woman within 18 months.

Mom goes on a bender sleeping with every dude she can find. Eventually, she settles for a personal trainer because the men she considers to be her peers have zero interest. The trainer eventually gets tired, so the mom then writes a self-help book. The vanity and delusion were astounding. Eventually, she posts pictures of herself and her dog on social media (I'm told--I don't have social media) and her now adult children stay away but have no completely abandoned her.

It's sad. She dumped her husband and destroyed her family so she could take hiking pictures alone with a dog.

So were you a close confidant of the wife?

Do you know what the dynamics were between her and her ex-dh? Do you know if all is marital bliss with the ex and his new wife? They are happily ever after? Or he just wanted a woman on his arm as a security blanket and to not look like a loser and she just wanted to be married to a doctor?

Is the ex wife more at peace, mentally and emotionally, as a single person than with her ex Dh? Maybe life really is happier with a dog than a man that treats you like less than you deserve to be treated.

I find it interesting that everyone on here thinks men are doing better post divorce simply because they remarried. How is that the defining decision? Marriage is the end all, be all for heterosexual people?

If you are not married, you are automatically labeled as worse off?? What year are we living in people?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a non-divorced person, this thread does not comport with my observations. Generally, the few divorced women I know (because nearly my entire peer network remains married) all traded down in the quality of man with whom they would associate. Perhaps for those dumb enough to choose beaters and addicts, the options are better after divorce.

One nearly universal outcome is that the children do not benefit. Divorce is often a selfish act--look at all the "me, me, me" discussion in this thread with nary a peep about the children.

Your “study” is flawed.

Kids benefit from parents who stay married mostly when the parents are high functioning in the first place. When that is not the case, the kids aren’t likely to benefit as much by their parents staying married. A lot of the time, it is worse for them.

Therefore it is hard to draw conclusions about whether it is better for the kids if their parents divorce vs. stay married. You are confusing causation with correlation.

Look at the divorced parent trying to rationalize their failing by employing the midwit's favorite tool: correlation versus causation. It's easy to draw conclusions. Children of divorce do worse in educational attainment that children who lose a parent to death. Death is a great variable because it tends to be random. Yes, other factors, especially the genetics you indirectly reference with "high functioning" parents matter more, but divorce is still harmful.

Moral of the story: Don't get divorced if you love your children more than yourself. If you were selfish, please don't try to rationalize your decision.

Stop the assumption that all marriages are the same. I grew up in a terribly toxic household with severe mental illness, and I begged my dad to divorce my mother, and he didn’t. I would’ve been much better off if they had got a divorce. My children are better off in a divorce rather than seeing a completely toxic and horrible marriage because I learned to accept a bad behavior because of what I saw growing up.

I was not about to repeat a pattern when I found myself in the same situation.

I succeeded despite my parents and not because of them into this day. I only speak to them twice a year.

I’m divorced and I see my kids every day and they have every advantage of a great life and if we were married still, it would be horrible.

People who assume divorce is always a disaster have the false assumption that all marriages are good and healthy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a non-divorced person, this thread does not comport with my observations. Generally, the few divorced women I know (because nearly my entire peer network remains married) all traded down in the quality of man with whom they would associate. Perhaps for those dumb enough to choose beaters and addicts, the options are better after divorce.

One nearly universal outcome is that the children do not benefit. Divorce is often a selfish act--look at all the "me, me, me" discussion in this thread with nary a peep about the children.

This is spot on in my SES strata- UMC, Old Town. Every single one of my gfs that divorced is doing worse.

Define doing worse.

The most recent example I can remember divorced years ago. Physician wife left her physician husband because she wasn't "satsified" and wanted "more." Husband fought to keep the family together for their two teenage children, but mom could not be convinced. They divorced. Dad ends up remarrying a dowdy but personable woman within 18 months.

Mom goes on a bender sleeping with every dude she can find. Eventually, she settles for a personal trainer because the men she considers to be her peers have zero interest. The trainer eventually gets tired, so the mom then writes a self-help book. The vanity and delusion were astounding. Eventually, she posts pictures of herself and her dog on social media (I'm told--I don't have social media) and her now adult children stay away but have no completely abandoned her.

It's sad. She dumped her husband and destroyed her family so she could take hiking pictures alone with a dog.

So were you a close confidant of the wife?

Do you know what the dynamics were between her and her ex-dh? Do you know if all is marital bliss with the ex and his new wife? They are happily ever after? Or he just wanted a woman on his arm as a security blanket and to not look like a loser and she just wanted to be married to a doctor?

Is the ex wife more at peace, mentally and emotionally, as a single person than with her ex Dh? Maybe life really is happier with a dog than a man that treats you like less than you deserve to be treated.

I find it interesting that everyone on here thinks men are doing better post divorce simply because they remarried. How is that the defining decision? Marriage is the end all, be all for heterosexual people?

If you are not married, you are automatically labeled as worse off?? What year are we living in people?

+1 from the outside, it could look like she’s worse off, but in reality, she could be much happier and I’m in a much better place, and the reason the guy got married again because he found a weak woman to put up with his crap.

Perception isn’t reality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a non-divorced person, this thread does not comport with my observations. Generally, the few divorced women I know (because nearly my entire peer network remains married) all traded down in the quality of man with whom they would associate. Perhaps for those dumb enough to choose beaters and addicts, the options are better after divorce.

One nearly universal outcome is that the children do not benefit. Divorce is often a selfish act--look at all the "me, me, me" discussion in this thread with nary a peep about the children.

This is spot on in my SES strata- UMC, Old Town. Every single one of my gfs that divorced is doing worse.

Define doing worse.

The most recent example I can remember divorced years ago. Physician wife left her physician husband because she wasn't "satsified" and wanted "more." Husband fought to keep the family together for their two teenage children, but mom could not be convinced. They divorced. Dad ends up remarrying a dowdy but personable woman within 18 months.

Mom goes on a bender sleeping with every dude she can find. Eventually, she settles for a personal trainer because the men she considers to be her peers have zero interest. The trainer eventually gets tired, so the mom then writes a self-help book. The vanity and delusion were astounding. Eventually, she posts pictures of herself and her dog on social media (I'm told--I don't have social media) and her now adult children stay away but have no completely abandoned her.

It's sad. She dumped her husband and destroyed her family so she could take hiking pictures alone with a dog.

I am absolutely not surprised. People sometimes automatically assumed that most women who filed for divorce were abused, neglected, you name it. There are many cases where the wife pull the "we grew apart" crap to justify her utter selfishness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Divorced at 43. Was married to a great man for 20 years. It would be very easy to judge me for the decision; I spent years doing so. But I was so uncomfortable. It made me have a desire to act out and not be stable. There was something inherently missing. Passion and intimacy mostly. I tried working on that for years but it was just getting worse.

It was several years of hell and self-doubt after. I lost my confidence and was very emotionally reactive and scared. But I remained attractive and desired. I easily fell into a relationship but it was toxic as we were both dealing with the internal emotional stress of divorce. After 5 years, we were able to stabilize. 7 years later it is pure joy and clearly the right decision, especially for my children. My ex remarried a few years ago, and I will soon. My ex and I aren’t together or even friends, but we coparent very well and our children’s lives are way more stable.

There are a lot of reasons to divorce, but they are all painful. Doesn’t mean it isn’t the best decision long term, but I wouldn’t wish the emotional turmoil on anyone, and we had a completely uncontested divorce with nary a single negative word said between us.

You immediately “fell” into a toxic relationship for 5 years immediately after your divorce, then it somehow transformed into “pure joy”? With kids in the mix? Ok …

Yes. My significant other was also dealing with a very traumatic divorce and co-parenting with someone with extreme mental illness. The stress of trying to protect his children is indescribable. But actually on point for this discussion. That divorce was pure HE11 for his children. It was not his choice, nor would it have been as the mental illness (munchausan's by proxy) had become very clear, and he is a very loyal person. The entire experience was hell. We worked very hard in many ways to protect them and help them to a good place. After 5 years, the divorce was final, and we were able to threaten litigation enough to get them into schools that are helping them tremendously, and the stress is now almost all the way gone. Honestly though, despite how much happier they all are now, I would not recommend divorce in that situation; it is very hard to protect children when you are not with them all the time.

I did my absolute best to shield my children from this. We are long distance, and I have put my children first at every point. There were certainly times when I was so regretful that I didn't know what to do. But I stuck with it, always putting first my children, second his children's well-being, and then our relationship. That wasn't easy, and it wasn't always pretty.

Now that the stress is gone (for the most part; life will never be stress-free, obviously), and all the children are in a good place (mine always were), we are just really madly in love and living a wonderful life.

why would you do that? wtf. I am running in the other direction from anyone with baggage like that. it seems like you got enmeshed because you enjoy it. and you’re not their mother so it’s very strange that you say “we” threatened litigation. and who is going to move since you are long distance?

She said she wanted passion and intimacy. . .

indeed. what a mess. sounds like she probably had an affair with guy #2.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a non-divorced person, this thread does not comport with my observations. Generally, the few divorced women I know (because nearly my entire peer network remains married) all traded down in the quality of man with whom they would associate. Perhaps for those dumb enough to choose beaters and addicts, the options are better after divorce.

One nearly universal outcome is that the children do not benefit. Divorce is often a selfish act--look at all the "me, me, me" discussion in this thread with nary a peep about the children.

well you sound like a nice person!

I'm quite kind, but divorce is bad for children so I oppose it everywhere possible. My value is that children are more important than a woman's ever-changing feelings.

So you opposition has made you prejudge every divorced woman’s happiness - not to mention exclusively blaming divorce on the woman. OK!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a non-divorced person, this thread does not comport with my observations. Generally, the few divorced women I know (because nearly my entire peer network remains married) all traded down in the quality of man with whom they would associate. Perhaps for those dumb enough to choose beaters and addicts, the options are better after divorce.

One nearly universal outcome is that the children do not benefit. Divorce is often a selfish act--look at all the "me, me, me" discussion in this thread with nary a peep about the children.

This is spot on in my SES strata- UMC, Old Town. Every single one of my gfs that divorced is doing worse.

Define doing worse.

The most recent example I can remember divorced years ago. Physician wife left her physician husband because she wasn't "satsified" and wanted "more." Husband fought to keep the family together for their two teenage children, but mom could not be convinced. They divorced. Dad ends up remarrying a dowdy but personable woman within 18 months.

Mom goes on a bender sleeping with every dude she can find. Eventually, she settles for a personal trainer because the men she considers to be her peers have zero interest. The trainer eventually gets tired, so the mom then writes a self-help book. The vanity and delusion were astounding. Eventually, she posts pictures of herself and her dog on social media (I'm told--I don't have social media) and her now adult children stay away but have no completely abandoned her.

It's sad. She dumped her husband and destroyed her family so she could take hiking pictures alone with a dog.

lol. this is your basis to judge all divorced women? what an idiot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The only thing more annoying than proclaiming you’re social media free is gossiping about socials you can’t see.

lol. DP. For the record, I take tons of pictures with my dog. My kids and DH just have to wait their turn.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a non-divorced person, this thread does not comport with my observations. Generally, the few divorced women I know (because nearly my entire peer network remains married) all traded down in the quality of man with whom they would associate. Perhaps for those dumb enough to choose beaters and addicts, the options are better after divorce.

One nearly universal outcome is that the children do not benefit. Divorce is often a selfish act--look at all the "me, me, me" discussion in this thread with nary a peep about the children.

This is spot on in my SES strata- UMC, Old Town. Every single one of my gfs that divorced is doing worse.

Define doing worse.

The most recent example I can remember divorced years ago. Physician wife left her physician husband because she wasn't "satsified" and wanted "more." Husband fought to keep the family together for their two teenage children, but mom could not be convinced. They divorced. Dad ends up remarrying a dowdy but personable woman within 18 months.

Mom goes on a bender sleeping with every dude she can find. Eventually, she settles for a personal trainer because the men she considers to be her peers have zero interest. The trainer eventually gets tired, so the mom then writes a self-help book. The vanity and delusion were astounding. Eventually, she posts pictures of herself and her dog on social media (I'm told--I don't have social media) and her now adult children stay away but have no completely abandoned her.

It's sad. She dumped her husband and destroyed her family so she could take hiking pictures alone with a dog.

I am absolutely not surprised. People sometimes automatically assumed that most women who filed for divorce were abused, neglected, you name it. There are many cases where the wife pull the "we grew apart" crap to justify her utter selfishness.

Yea - it’s nuts that women who have been raised on falling in love as a prerequisite for marrying would continue to expect being in love / feeling loved in a marriage. The audacity!!! Why not be more honest about obligation and financial dependence and fear of being socially ostracized bring the glue that keeps marriages “intact” - and while we’re at it, just have women’s fathers choose husbands they’re daughters to keep women’s silly feelings from messing things up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a non-divorced person, this thread does not comport with my observations. Generally, the few divorced women I know (because nearly my entire peer network remains married) all traded down in the quality of man with whom they would associate. Perhaps for those dumb enough to choose beaters and addicts, the options are better after divorce.

One nearly universal outcome is that the children do not benefit. Divorce is often a selfish act--look at all the "me, me, me" discussion in this thread with nary a peep about the children.

Your “study” is flawed.

Kids benefit from parents who stay married mostly when the parents are high functioning in the first place. When that is not the case, the kids aren’t likely to benefit as much by their parents staying married. A lot of the time, it is worse for them.

Therefore it is hard to draw conclusions about whether it is better for the kids if their parents divorce vs. stay married. You are confusing causation with correlation.

Look at the divorced parent trying to rationalize their failing by employing the midwit's favorite tool: correlation versus causation. It's easy to draw conclusions. Children of divorce do worse in educational attainment that children who lose a parent to death. Death is a great variable because it tends to be random. Yes, other factors, especially the genetics you indirectly reference with "high functioning" parents matter more, but divorce is still harmful.

Moral of the story: Don't get divorced if you love your children more than yourself. If you were selfish, please don't try to rationalize your decision.

talk about midwits ….

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a non-divorced person, this thread does not comport with my observations. Generally, the few divorced women I know (because nearly my entire peer network remains married) all traded down in the quality of man with whom they would associate. Perhaps for those dumb enough to choose beaters and addicts, the options are better after divorce.

One nearly universal outcome is that the children do not benefit. Divorce is often a selfish act--look at all the "me, me, me" discussion in this thread with nary a peep about the children.

This is spot on in my SES strata- UMC, Old Town. Every single one of my gfs that divorced is doing worse.

Define doing worse.

The most recent example I can remember divorced years ago. Physician wife left her physician husband because she wasn't "satsified" and wanted "more." Husband fought to keep the family together for their two teenage children, but mom could not be convinced. They divorced. Dad ends up remarrying a dowdy but personable woman within 18 months.

Mom goes on a bender sleeping with every dude she can find. Eventually, she settles for a personal trainer because the men she considers to be her peers have zero interest. The trainer eventually gets tired, so the mom then writes a self-help book. The vanity and delusion were astounding. Eventually, she posts pictures of herself and her dog on social media (I'm told--I don't have social media) and her now adult children stay away but have no completely abandoned her.

It's sad. She dumped her husband and destroyed her family so she could take hiking pictures alone with a dog.

I am absolutely not surprised. People sometimes automatically assumed that most women who filed for divorce were abused, neglected, you name it. There are many cases where the wife pull the "we grew apart" crap to justify her utter selfishness.

Yea - it’s nuts that women who have been raised on falling in love as a prerequisite for marrying would continue to expect being in love / feeling loved in a marriage. The audacity!!! Why not be more honest about obligation and financial dependence and fear of being socially ostracized bring the glue that keeps marriages “intact” - and while we’re at it, just have women’s fathers choose husbands they’re daughters to keep women’s silly feelings from messing things up.

My stbx would do literally anything other than the things I begged him to do, over and over again, to salvage our relationship. Whoever said that men would rather blow up their lives than admit they need to change was right. It’s not like I was asking for anything crazy, just basic respect and participation, and acknowledging when he crossed certain lines having to do with physical abuse. He just would not. Even when he made a last-ditch effort to go to therapy he literally could not concede that he needed to change anything. It was all about me being “nicer.” It was wild. I wish his next gf/wife well. Maybe she’ll be able to be nicer than me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a non-divorced person, this thread does not comport with my observations. Generally, the few divorced women I know (because nearly my entire peer network remains married) all traded down in the quality of man with whom they would associate. Perhaps for those dumb enough to choose beaters and addicts, the options are better after divorce.

One nearly universal outcome is that the children do not benefit. Divorce is often a selfish act--look at all the "me, me, me" discussion in this thread with nary a peep about the children.

This is spot on in my SES strata- UMC, Old Town. Every single one of my gfs that divorced is doing worse.

Define doing worse.

The most recent example I can remember divorced years ago. Physician wife left her physician husband because she wasn't "satsified" and wanted "more." Husband fought to keep the family together for their two teenage children, but mom could not be convinced. They divorced. Dad ends up remarrying a dowdy but personable woman within 18 months.

Mom goes on a bender sleeping with every dude she can find. Eventually, she settles for a personal trainer because the men she considers to be her peers have zero interest. The trainer eventually gets tired, so the mom then writes a self-help book. The vanity and delusion were astounding. Eventually, she posts pictures of herself and her dog on social media (I'm told--I don't have social media) and her now adult children stay away but have no completely abandoned her.

It's sad. She dumped her husband and destroyed her family so she could take hiking pictures alone with a dog.

I am absolutely not surprised. People sometimes automatically assumed that most women who filed for divorce were abused, neglected, you name it. There are many cases where the wife pull the "we grew apart" crap to justify her utter selfishness.

Yea - it’s nuts that women who have been raised on falling in love as a prerequisite for marrying would continue to expect being in love / feeling loved in a marriage. The audacity!!! Why not be more honest about obligation and financial dependence and fear of being socially ostracized bring the glue that keeps marriages “intact” - and while we’re at it, just have women’s fathers choose husbands they’re daughters to keep women’s silly feelings from messing things up.

This is an interesting observation. While I don’t agree with the poster you are responding to, I don’t think you to be “in love” to have a good marriage while your children live at home. You need respect and partnership.