Tell me about getting divorced in mid 40s

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a non-divorced person, this thread does not comport with my observations. Generally, the few divorced women I know (because nearly my entire peer network remains married) all traded down in the quality of man with whom they would associate. Perhaps for those dumb enough to choose beaters and addicts, the options are better after divorce.

One nearly universal outcome is that the children do not benefit. Divorce is often a selfish act--look at all the "me, me, me" discussion in this thread with nary a peep about the children.

This is spot on in my SES strata- UMC, Old Town. Every single one of my gfs that divorced is doing worse.

Because they ain’t with me!

[Anonymous]

So many seem to ask how things go for one who divorces in mid-forties with an emphasis on how the woman or man is doing --- but the larger question is often is how the parent with an interest in the children and the children is doing. We are just at the beginning of what will be a high conflict divorce in being able to help out a daughter who dealt with things unbeknowst to us for a year. When a young teen daughter asks. "When is this going to be over?" you know as difficult as it is to consider moving out and moving on it is definitely in the best interest of your own mental health and that of the children. SIL never thought we would step be able to step up to help and play for the long game, but we are. I can only say that it is so not about who one is dating or how the adult feels - but rather how are the children doing from day-to-day. Finances will not be the issue, but rather the stabiity of the children. We hope he gets the mental health help he needs as everyone else is doing so, but him!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
So many seem to ask how things go for one who divorces in mid-forties with an emphasis on how the woman or man is doing --- but the larger question is often is how the parent with an interest in the children and the children is doing.

We are just at the beginning of what will be a high conflict divorce in being able to help out a daughter who dealt with things unbeknowst to us for a year.

When a young teen daughter asks. "When is this going to be over?" you know as difficult as it is to consider moving out and moving on it is definitely in the best interest of your own mental health and that of the children.

SIL never thought we would step be able to step up to help and play for the long game, but we are. I can only say that it is so not about who one is dating or how the adult feels - but rather how are the children doing from day-to-day.

Finances will not be the issue, but rather the stabiity of the children. We hope he gets the mental health help he needs as everyone else is doing so, but him!

Both parents will say anything, anything in court about how much they love love love the children. You don’t have to prove or disprove that, you have to prove they cannot and do not care for the children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Divorced at 43. Was married to a great man for 20 years. It would be very easy to judge me for the decision; I spent years doing so. But I was so uncomfortable. It made me have a desire to act out and not be stable. There was something inherently missing. Passion and intimacy mostly. I tried working on that for years but it was just getting worse.

It was several years of hell and self-doubt after. I lost my confidence and was very emotionally reactive and scared. But I remained attractive and desired. I easily fell into a relationship but it was toxic as we were both dealing with the internal emotional stress of divorce. After 5 years, we were able to stabilize. 7 years later it is pure joy and clearly the right decision, especially for my children. My ex remarried a few years ago, and I will soon. My ex and I aren’t together or even friends, but we coparent very well and our children’s lives are way more stable.

There are a lot of reasons to divorce, but they are all painful. Doesn’t mean it isn’t the best decision long term, but I wouldn’t wish the emotional turmoil on anyone, and we had a completely uncontested divorce with nary a single negative word said between us.

You immediately “fell” into a toxic relationship for 5 years immediately after your divorce, then it somehow transformed into “pure joy”? With kids in the mix? Ok …

Yes. My significant other was also dealing with a very traumatic divorce and co-parenting with someone with extreme mental illness. The stress of trying to protect his children is indescribable. But actually on point for this discussion. That divorce was pure HE11 for his children. It was not his choice, nor would it have been as the mental illness (munchausan's by proxy) had become very clear, and he is a very loyal person. The entire experience was hell. We worked very hard in many ways to protect them and help them to a good place. After 5 years, the divorce was final, and we were able to threaten litigation enough to get them into schools that are helping them tremendously, and the stress is now almost all the way gone. Honestly though, despite how much happier they all are now, I would not recommend divorce in that situation; it is very hard to protect children when you are not with them all the time.

I did my absolute best to shield my children from this. We are long distance, and I have put my children first at every point. There were certainly times when I was so regretful that I didn't know what to do. But I stuck with it, always putting first my children, second his children's well-being, and then our relationship. That wasn't easy, and it wasn't always pretty.

Now that the stress is gone (for the most part; life will never be stress-free, obviously), and all the children are in a good place (mine always were), we are just really madly in love and living a wonderful life.

why would you do that? wtf. I am running in the other direction from anyone with baggage like that. it seems like you got enmeshed because you enjoy it. and you’re not their mother so it’s very strange that you say “we” threatened litigation. and who is going to move since you are long distance?

Neither of us are moving until the kids are grown. We are not taking them away from their homes. My youngest graduates in 2 years. Then I will move.

Then he will find a woman 10 years younger than you in his city. Done.

lol. No. That isn’t happening. And I’m not delusional. My ex did marry someone 15 years younger than me after we divorced. This absolutely happens. I admit it was concerning at first. But 7 years later I have to admit, they seem to make a good couple. Moreover our kids are very happy with her and them together so I have zero complaints.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a non-divorced person, this thread does not comport with my observations. Generally, the few divorced women I know (because nearly my entire peer network remains married) all traded down in the quality of man with whom they would associate. Perhaps for those dumb enough to choose beaters and addicts, the options are better after divorce.

One nearly universal outcome is that the children do not benefit. Divorce is often a selfish act--look at all the "me, me, me" discussion in this thread with nary a peep about the children.

This is spot on in my SES strata- UMC, Old Town. Every single one of my gfs that divorced is doing worse.

Define doing worse.

The most recent example I can remember divorced years ago. Physician wife left her physician husband because she wasn't "satsified" and wanted "more." Husband fought to keep the family together for their two teenage children, but mom could not be convinced. They divorced. Dad ends up remarrying a dowdy but personable woman within 18 months.

Mom goes on a bender sleeping with every dude she can find. Eventually, she settles for a personal trainer because the men she considers to be her peers have zero interest. The trainer eventually gets tired, so the mom then writes a self-help book. The vanity and delusion were astounding. Eventually, she posts pictures of herself and her dog on social media (I'm told--I don't have social media) and her now adult children stay away but have no completely abandoned her.

It's sad. She dumped her husband and destroyed her family so she could take hiking pictures alone with a dog.

I am absolutely not surprised. People sometimes automatically assumed that most women who filed for divorce were abused, neglected, you name it. There are many cases where the wife pull the "we grew apart" crap to justify her utter selfishness.

and their sleeping around, cheating...most of the women I know like that lady in the 45-50+-age range

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a non-divorced person, this thread does not comport with my observations. Generally, the few divorced women I know (because nearly my entire peer network remains married) all traded down in the quality of man with whom they would associate. Perhaps for those dumb enough to choose beaters and addicts, the options are better after divorce.

One nearly universal outcome is that the children do not benefit. Divorce is often a selfish act--look at all the "me, me, me" discussion in this thread with nary a peep about the children.

This is spot on in my SES strata- UMC, Old Town. Every single one of my gfs that divorced is doing worse.

Define doing worse.

The most recent example I can remember divorced years ago. Physician wife left her physician husband because she wasn't "satsified" and wanted "more." Husband fought to keep the family together for their two teenage children, but mom could not be convinced. They divorced. Dad ends up remarrying a dowdy but personable woman within 18 months.

Mom goes on a bender sleeping with every dude she can find. Eventually, she settles for a personal trainer because the men she considers to be her peers have zero interest. The trainer eventually gets tired, so the mom then writes a self-help book. The vanity and delusion were astounding. Eventually, she posts pictures of herself and her dog on social media (I'm told--I don't have social media) and her now adult children stay away but have no completely abandoned her.

It's sad. She dumped her husband and destroyed her family so she could take hiking pictures alone with a dog.

Don't you post this story every month or so? It seems I keep reading this same tale of whoa. This is one person's tale, not all person's. And what is the point of your posting?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Divorced at 43. Was married to a great man for 20 years. It would be very easy to judge me for the decision; I spent years doing so. But I was so uncomfortable. It made me have a desire to act out and not be stable. There was something inherently missing. Passion and intimacy mostly. I tried working on that for years but it was just getting worse.

It was several years of hell and self-doubt after. I lost my confidence and was very emotionally reactive and scared. But I remained attractive and desired. I easily fell into a relationship but it was toxic as we were both dealing with the internal emotional stress of divorce. After 5 years, we were able to stabilize. 7 years later it is pure joy and clearly the right decision, especially for my children. My ex remarried a few years ago, and I will soon. My ex and I aren’t together or even friends, but we coparent very well and our children’s lives are way more stable.

There are a lot of reasons to divorce, but they are all painful. Doesn’t mean it isn’t the best decision long term, but I wouldn’t wish the emotional turmoil on anyone, and we had a completely uncontested divorce with nary a single negative word said between us.

You immediately “fell” into a toxic relationship for 5 years immediately after your divorce, then it somehow transformed into “pure joy”? With kids in the mix? Ok …

Yes. My significant other was also dealing with a very traumatic divorce and co-parenting with someone with extreme mental illness. The stress of trying to protect his children is indescribable. But actually on point for this discussion. That divorce was pure HE11 for his children. It was not his choice, nor would it have been as the mental illness (munchausan's by proxy) had become very clear, and he is a very loyal person. The entire experience was hell. We worked very hard in many ways to protect them and help them to a good place. After 5 years, the divorce was final, and we were able to threaten litigation enough to get them into schools that are helping them tremendously, and the stress is now almost all the way gone. Honestly though, despite how much happier they all are now, I would not recommend divorce in that situation; it is very hard to protect children when you are not with them all the time.

I did my absolute best to shield my children from this. We are long distance, and I have put my children first at every point. There were certainly times when I was so regretful that I didn't know what to do. But I stuck with it, always putting first my children, second his children's well-being, and then our relationship. That wasn't easy, and it wasn't always pretty.

Now that the stress is gone (for the most part; life will never be stress-free, obviously), and all the children are in a good place (mine always were), we are just really madly in love and living a wonderful life.

why would you do that? wtf. I am running in the other direction from anyone with baggage like that. it seems like you got enmeshed because you enjoy it. and you’re not their mother so it’s very strange that you say “we” threatened litigation. and who is going to move since you are long distance?

Neither of us are moving until the kids are grown. We are not taking them away from their homes. My youngest graduates in 2 years. Then I will move.

Then he will find a woman 10 years younger than you in his city. Done.

Bitter yourself much? Who pissed in your oatmeal?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a non-divorced person, this thread does not comport with my observations. Generally, the few divorced women I know (because nearly my entire peer network remains married) all traded down in the quality of man with whom they would associate. Perhaps for those dumb enough to choose beaters and addicts, the options are better after divorce.

One nearly universal outcome is that the children do not benefit. Divorce is often a selfish act--look at all the "me, me, me" discussion in this thread with nary a peep about the children.

This is spot on in my SES strata- UMC, Old Town. Every single one of my gfs that divorced is doing worse.

Define doing worse.

The most recent example I can remember divorced years ago. Physician wife left her physician husband because she wasn't "satsified" and wanted "more." Husband fought to keep the family together for their two teenage children, but mom could not be convinced. They divorced. Dad ends up remarrying a dowdy but personable woman within 18 months.

Mom goes on a bender sleeping with every dude she can find. Eventually, she settles for a personal trainer because the men she considers to be her peers have zero interest. The trainer eventually gets tired, so the mom then writes a self-help book. The vanity and delusion were astounding. Eventually, she posts pictures of herself and her dog on social media (I'm told--I don't have social media) and her now adult children stay away but have no completely abandoned her.

It's sad. She dumped her husband and destroyed her family so she could take hiking pictures alone with a dog.

So were you a close confidant of the wife?

Do you know what the dynamics were between her and her ex-dh? Do you know if all is marital bliss with the ex and his new wife? They are happily ever after? Or he just wanted a woman on his arm as a security blanket and to not look like a loser and she just wanted to be married to a doctor?

Is the ex wife more at peace, mentally and emotionally, as a single person than with her ex Dh? Maybe life really is happier with a dog than a man that treats you like less than you deserve to be treated.

I find it interesting that everyone on here thinks men are doing better post divorce simply because they remarried. How is that the defining decision? Marriage is the end all, be all for heterosexual people?

If you are not married, you are automatically labeled as worse off?? What year are we living in people?

I can't speak for the kids part but hiking alone with a dog sounds pretty nice for a lot of people.

[Anonymous]

I'm 41 and doing well, thriving. Kids are stable, thanks to me. ExDH is unstable but from outside appearances a "catch" in terms of income and parenting. I feel that ultimately having two involved parents and a high standard of living is what will benefit them. And my own achievement has soared (exDH wanted me to be SAHM) which can only benefit my girls.