Tell me about getting divorced in mid 40s

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a non-divorced person, this thread does not comport with my observations. Generally, the few divorced women I know (because nearly my entire peer network remains married) all traded down in the quality of man with whom they would associate. Perhaps for those dumb enough to choose beaters and addicts, the options are better after divorce.

One nearly universal outcome is that the children do not benefit. Divorce is often a selfish act--look at all the "me, me, me" discussion in this thread with nary a peep about the children.

well you sound like a nice person!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Women are the prize. The biggest post divorce flex for a man is securing another woman. Younger, preferably, but a woman nevertheless. Women, on the other hand, cite friendships, kids, family, travel, volunteer work, self care, etc. Depth.

I’m divorced and happier single with kids than I’ve ever been in my life. DGAF about what the ex is doing or who he is doing — just glad to be free.

Keep your head up, OP. It gets better. Great, even. Tune out the old narratives about what your life is supposed to be, who you are supposed to be with, and build something brand new that feels true for you.

True. I’m terrified my ex will end up with a woman who f’s up our tenuous coparenting relationship though. My ex is already extremely self-centered as it is. If a new gf/wife starts making demands that mess things up, it’s going to be hard. OTOH maybe he’ll find a good woman who will back me up on basic parenting good sense stuff (e.g, yes you do need to feed kid something other than fast food; yes kid does need to shower; yes you do need functioning smoke alarms.)

[Anonymous]

I hear you. But I had to drop the rope to be free. I don’t get involved with what happens when my kids are with Dad and his girlfriend. If they are in harm’s way, I will jump in with a quickness. But so far I haven’t needed to at all, in years.

I didn’t want him, my old life in my head space anymore. In order to do that, I let him parent his way. The resulting peace has been a gift. And the kids are better than okay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a non-divorced person, this thread does not comport with my observations. Generally, the few divorced women I know (because nearly my entire peer network remains married) all traded down in the quality of man with whom they would associate. Perhaps for those dumb enough to choose beaters and addicts, the options are better after divorce.

One nearly universal outcome is that the children do not benefit. Divorce is often a selfish act--look at all the "me, me, me" discussion in this thread with nary a peep about the children.

well you sound like a nice person!

Yea, she’s smug. Literally every single man I dated since divorce is better than my exH. And my exH was checking all the typical “alpha male” boxes. Nobody knew he was a home tyrant, narcissist and an absent father!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a non-divorced person, this thread does not comport with my observations. Generally, the few divorced women I know (because nearly my entire peer network remains married) all traded down in the quality of man with whom they would associate. Perhaps for those dumb enough to choose beaters and addicts, the options are better after divorce.

One nearly universal outcome is that the children do not benefit. Divorce is often a selfish act--look at all the "me, me, me" discussion in this thread with nary a peep about the children.

Your “study” is flawed.

Kids benefit from parents who stay married mostly when the parents are high functioning in the first place. When that is not the case, the kids aren’t likely to benefit as much by their parents staying married. A lot of the time, it is worse for them.

Therefore it is hard to draw conclusions about whether it is better for the kids if their parents divorce vs. stay married. You are confusing causation with correlation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Divorced at 43. Was married to a great man for 20 years. It would be very easy to judge me for the decision; I spent years doing so. But I was so uncomfortable. It made me have a desire to act out and not be stable. There was something inherently missing. Passion and intimacy mostly. I tried working on that for years but it was just getting worse.

It was several years of hell and self-doubt after. I lost my confidence and was very emotionally reactive and scared. But I remained attractive and desired. I easily fell into a relationship but it was toxic as we were both dealing with the internal emotional stress of divorce. After 5 years, we were able to stabilize. 7 years later it is pure joy and clearly the right decision, especially for my children. My ex remarried a few years ago, and I will soon. My ex and I aren’t together or even friends, but we coparent very well and our children’s lives are way more stable.

There are a lot of reasons to divorce, but they are all painful. Doesn’t mean it isn’t the best decision long term, but I wouldn’t wish the emotional turmoil on anyone, and we had a completely uncontested divorce with nary a single negative word said between us.

You immediately “fell” into a toxic relationship for 5 years immediately after your divorce, then it somehow transformed into “pure joy”? With kids in the mix? Ok …

Yes. My significant other was also dealing with a very traumatic divorce and co-parenting with someone with extreme mental illness. The stress of trying to protect his children is indescribable. But actually on point for this discussion. That divorce was pure HE11 for his children. It was not his choice, nor would it have been as the mental illness (munchausan's by proxy) had become very clear, and he is a very loyal person. The entire experience was hell. We worked very hard in many ways to protect them and help them to a good place. After 5 years, the divorce was final, and we were able to threaten litigation enough to get them into schools that are helping them tremendously, and the stress is now almost all the way gone. Honestly though, despite how much happier they all are now, I would not recommend divorce in that situation; it is very hard to protect children when you are not with them all the time.

I did my absolute best to shield my children from this. We are long distance, and I have put my children first at every point. There were certainly times when I was so regretful that I didn't know what to do. But I stuck with it, always putting first my children, second his children's well-being, and then our relationship. That wasn't easy, and it wasn't always pretty.

Now that the stress is gone (for the most part; life will never be stress-free, obviously), and all the children are in a good place (mine always were), we are just really madly in love and living a wonderful life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Divorced at 43. Was married to a great man for 20 years. It would be very easy to judge me for the decision; I spent years doing so. But I was so uncomfortable. It made me have a desire to act out and not be stable. There was something inherently missing. Passion and intimacy mostly. I tried working on that for years but it was just getting worse.

It was several years of hell and self-doubt after. I lost my confidence and was very emotionally reactive and scared. But I remained attractive and desired. I easily fell into a relationship but it was toxic as we were both dealing with the internal emotional stress of divorce. After 5 years, we were able to stabilize. 7 years later it is pure joy and clearly the right decision, especially for my children. My ex remarried a few years ago, and I will soon. My ex and I aren’t together or even friends, but we coparent very well and our children’s lives are way more stable.

There are a lot of reasons to divorce, but they are all painful. Doesn’t mean it isn’t the best decision long term, but I wouldn’t wish the emotional turmoil on anyone, and we had a completely uncontested divorce with nary a single negative word said between us.

You immediately “fell” into a toxic relationship for 5 years immediately after your divorce, then it somehow transformed into “pure joy”? With kids in the mix? Ok …

Yes. My significant other was also dealing with a very traumatic divorce and co-parenting with someone with extreme mental illness. The stress of trying to protect his children is indescribable. But actually on point for this discussion. That divorce was pure HE11 for his children. It was not his choice, nor would it have been as the mental illness (munchausan's by proxy) had become very clear, and he is a very loyal person. The entire experience was hell. We worked very hard in many ways to protect them and help them to a good place. After 5 years, the divorce was final, and we were able to threaten litigation enough to get them into schools that are helping them tremendously, and the stress is now almost all the way gone. Honestly though, despite how much happier they all are now, I would not recommend divorce in that situation; it is very hard to protect children when you are not with them all the time.

I did my absolute best to shield my children from this. We are long distance, and I have put my children first at every point. There were certainly times when I was so regretful that I didn't know what to do. But I stuck with it, always putting first my children, second his children's well-being, and then our relationship. That wasn't easy, and it wasn't always pretty.

Now that the stress is gone (for the most part; life will never be stress-free, obviously), and all the children are in a good place (mine always were), we are just really madly in love and living a wonderful life.

why would you do that? wtf. I am running in the other direction from anyone with baggage like that. it seems like you got enmeshed because you enjoy it. and you’re not their mother so it’s very strange that you say “we” threatened litigation. and who is going to move since you are long distance?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Divorced at 43. Was married to a great man for 20 years. It would be very easy to judge me for the decision; I spent years doing so. But I was so uncomfortable. It made me have a desire to act out and not be stable. There was something inherently missing. Passion and intimacy mostly. I tried working on that for years but it was just getting worse.

It was several years of hell and self-doubt after. I lost my confidence and was very emotionally reactive and scared. But I remained attractive and desired. I easily fell into a relationship but it was toxic as we were both dealing with the internal emotional stress of divorce. After 5 years, we were able to stabilize. 7 years later it is pure joy and clearly the right decision, especially for my children. My ex remarried a few years ago, and I will soon. My ex and I aren’t together or even friends, but we coparent very well and our children’s lives are way more stable.

There are a lot of reasons to divorce, but they are all painful. Doesn’t mean it isn’t the best decision long term, but I wouldn’t wish the emotional turmoil on anyone, and we had a completely uncontested divorce with nary a single negative word said between us.

You immediately “fell” into a toxic relationship for 5 years immediately after your divorce, then it somehow transformed into “pure joy”? With kids in the mix? Ok …

Yes. My significant other was also dealing with a very traumatic divorce and co-parenting with someone with extreme mental illness. The stress of trying to protect his children is indescribable. But actually on point for this discussion. That divorce was pure HE11 for his children. It was not his choice, nor would it have been as the mental illness (munchausan's by proxy) had become very clear, and he is a very loyal person. The entire experience was hell. We worked very hard in many ways to protect them and help them to a good place. After 5 years, the divorce was final, and we were able to threaten litigation enough to get them into schools that are helping them tremendously, and the stress is now almost all the way gone. Honestly though, despite how much happier they all are now, I would not recommend divorce in that situation; it is very hard to protect children when you are not with them all the time.

I did my absolute best to shield my children from this. We are long distance, and I have put my children first at every point. There were certainly times when I was so regretful that I didn't know what to do. But I stuck with it, always putting first my children, second his children's well-being, and then our relationship. That wasn't easy, and it wasn't always pretty.

Now that the stress is gone (for the most part; life will never be stress-free, obviously), and all the children are in a good place (mine always were), we are just really madly in love and living a wonderful life.

why would you do that? wtf. I am running in the other direction from anyone with baggage like that. it seems like you got enmeshed because you enjoy it. and you’re not their mother so it’s very strange that you say “we” threatened litigation. and who is going to move since you are long distance?

She said she wanted passion and intimacy. . .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a non-divorced person, this thread does not comport with my observations. Generally, the few divorced women I know (because nearly my entire peer network remains married) all traded down in the quality of man with whom they would associate. Perhaps for those dumb enough to choose beaters and addicts, the options are better after divorce.

One nearly universal outcome is that the children do not benefit. Divorce is often a selfish act--look at all the "me, me, me" discussion in this thread with nary a peep about the children.

This is spot on in my SES strata- UMC, Old Town. Every single one of my gfs that divorced is doing worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a non-divorced person, this thread does not comport with my observations. Generally, the few divorced women I know (because nearly my entire peer network remains married) all traded down in the quality of man with whom they would associate. Perhaps for those dumb enough to choose beaters and addicts, the options are better after divorce.

One nearly universal outcome is that the children do not benefit. Divorce is often a selfish act--look at all the "me, me, me" discussion in this thread with nary a peep about the children.

This is spot on in my SES strata- UMC, Old Town. Every single one of my gfs that divorced is doing worse.

Define doing worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Divorced at 43. Was married to a great man for 20 years. It would be very easy to judge me for the decision; I spent years doing so. But I was so uncomfortable. It made me have a desire to act out and not be stable. There was something inherently missing. Passion and intimacy mostly. I tried working on that for years but it was just getting worse.

It was several years of hell and self-doubt after. I lost my confidence and was very emotionally reactive and scared. But I remained attractive and desired. I easily fell into a relationship but it was toxic as we were both dealing with the internal emotional stress of divorce. After 5 years, we were able to stabilize. 7 years later it is pure joy and clearly the right decision, especially for my children. My ex remarried a few years ago, and I will soon. My ex and I aren’t together or even friends, but we coparent very well and our children’s lives are way more stable.

There are a lot of reasons to divorce, but they are all painful. Doesn’t mean it isn’t the best decision long term, but I wouldn’t wish the emotional turmoil on anyone, and we had a completely uncontested divorce with nary a single negative word said between us.

You immediately “fell” into a toxic relationship for 5 years immediately after your divorce, then it somehow transformed into “pure joy”? With kids in the mix? Ok …

Yes. My significant other was also dealing with a very traumatic divorce and co-parenting with someone with extreme mental illness. The stress of trying to protect his children is indescribable. But actually on point for this discussion. That divorce was pure HE11 for his children. It was not his choice, nor would it have been as the mental illness (munchausan's by proxy) had become very clear, and he is a very loyal person. The entire experience was hell. We worked very hard in many ways to protect them and help them to a good place. After 5 years, the divorce was final, and we were able to threaten litigation enough to get them into schools that are helping them tremendously, and the stress is now almost all the way gone. Honestly though, despite how much happier they all are now, I would not recommend divorce in that situation; it is very hard to protect children when you are not with them all the time.

I did my absolute best to shield my children from this. We are long distance, and I have put my children first at every point. There were certainly times when I was so regretful that I didn't know what to do. But I stuck with it, always putting first my children, second his children's well-being, and then our relationship. That wasn't easy, and it wasn't always pretty.

Now that the stress is gone (for the most part; life will never be stress-free, obviously), and all the children are in a good place (mine always were), we are just really madly in love and living a wonderful life.

why would you do that? wtf. I am running in the other direction from anyone with baggage like that. it seems like you got enmeshed because you enjoy it. and you’re not their mother so it’s very strange that you say “we” threatened litigation. and who is going to move since you are long distance?

Neither of us are moving until the kids are grown. We are not taking them away from their homes. My youngest graduates in 2 years. Then I will move.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Divorced at 43. Was married to a great man for 20 years. It would be very easy to judge me for the decision; I spent years doing so. But I was so uncomfortable. It made me have a desire to act out and not be stable. There was something inherently missing. Passion and intimacy mostly. I tried working on that for years but it was just getting worse.

It was several years of hell and self-doubt after. I lost my confidence and was very emotionally reactive and scared. But I remained attractive and desired. I easily fell into a relationship but it was toxic as we were both dealing with the internal emotional stress of divorce. After 5 years, we were able to stabilize. 7 years later it is pure joy and clearly the right decision, especially for my children. My ex remarried a few years ago, and I will soon. My ex and I aren’t together or even friends, but we coparent very well and our children’s lives are way more stable.

There are a lot of reasons to divorce, but they are all painful. Doesn’t mean it isn’t the best decision long term, but I wouldn’t wish the emotional turmoil on anyone, and we had a completely uncontested divorce with nary a single negative word said between us.

You immediately “fell” into a toxic relationship for 5 years immediately after your divorce, then it somehow transformed into “pure joy”? With kids in the mix? Ok …

Yes. My significant other was also dealing with a very traumatic divorce and co-parenting with someone with extreme mental illness. The stress of trying to protect his children is indescribable. But actually on point for this discussion. That divorce was pure HE11 for his children. It was not his choice, nor would it have been as the mental illness (munchausan's by proxy) had become very clear, and he is a very loyal person. The entire experience was hell. We worked very hard in many ways to protect them and help them to a good place. After 5 years, the divorce was final, and we were able to threaten litigation enough to get them into schools that are helping them tremendously, and the stress is now almost all the way gone. Honestly though, despite how much happier they all are now, I would not recommend divorce in that situation; it is very hard to protect children when you are not with them all the time.

I did my absolute best to shield my children from this. We are long distance, and I have put my children first at every point. There were certainly times when I was so regretful that I didn't know what to do. But I stuck with it, always putting first my children, second his children's well-being, and then our relationship. That wasn't easy, and it wasn't always pretty.

Now that the stress is gone (for the most part; life will never be stress-free, obviously), and all the children are in a good place (mine always were), we are just really madly in love and living a wonderful life.

why would you do that? wtf. I am running in the other direction from anyone with baggage like that. it seems like you got enmeshed because you enjoy it. and you’re not their mother so it’s very strange that you say “we” threatened litigation. and who is going to move since you are long distance?

Neither of us are moving until the kids are grown. We are not taking them away from their homes. My youngest graduates in 2 years. Then I will move.

Then he will find a woman 10 years younger than you in his city. Done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Divorced at 43. Was married to a great man for 20 years. It would be very easy to judge me for the decision; I spent years doing so. But I was so uncomfortable. It made me have a desire to act out and not be stable. There was something inherently missing. Passion and intimacy mostly. I tried working on that for years but it was just getting worse.

It was several years of hell and self-doubt after. I lost my confidence and was very emotionally reactive and scared. But I remained attractive and desired. I easily fell into a relationship but it was toxic as we were both dealing with the internal emotional stress of divorce. After 5 years, we were able to stabilize. 7 years later it is pure joy and clearly the right decision, especially for my children. My ex remarried a few years ago, and I will soon. My ex and I aren’t together or even friends, but we coparent very well and our children’s lives are way more stable.

There are a lot of reasons to divorce, but they are all painful. Doesn’t mean it isn’t the best decision long term, but I wouldn’t wish the emotional turmoil on anyone, and we had a completely uncontested divorce with nary a single negative word said between us.

You immediately “fell” into a toxic relationship for 5 years immediately after your divorce, then it somehow transformed into “pure joy”? With kids in the mix? Ok …

Yes. My significant other was also dealing with a very traumatic divorce and co-parenting with someone with extreme mental illness. The stress of trying to protect his children is indescribable. But actually on point for this discussion. That divorce was pure HE11 for his children. It was not his choice, nor would it have been as the mental illness (munchausan's by proxy) had become very clear, and he is a very loyal person. The entire experience was hell. We worked very hard in many ways to protect them and help them to a good place. After 5 years, the divorce was final, and we were able to threaten litigation enough to get them into schools that are helping them tremendously, and the stress is now almost all the way gone. Honestly though, despite how much happier they all are now, I would not recommend divorce in that situation; it is very hard to protect children when you are not with them all the time.

I did my absolute best to shield my children from this. We are long distance, and I have put my children first at every point. There were certainly times when I was so regretful that I didn't know what to do. But I stuck with it, always putting first my children, second his children's well-being, and then our relationship. That wasn't easy, and it wasn't always pretty.

Now that the stress is gone (for the most part; life will never be stress-free, obviously), and all the children are in a good place (mine always were), we are just really madly in love and living a wonderful life.

why would you do that? wtf. I am running in the other direction from anyone with baggage like that. it seems like you got enmeshed because you enjoy it. and you’re not their mother so it’s very strange that you say “we” threatened litigation. and who is going to move since you are long distance?

Neither of us are moving until the kids are grown. We are not taking them away from their homes. My youngest graduates in 2 years. Then I will move.

Then he will find a woman 10 years younger than you in his city. Done.

I can’t imagine a life so sad that I had to write things like this to a stranger. I’m sorry, PP about whoever hurt you

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a non-divorced person, this thread does not comport with my observations. Generally, the few divorced women I know (because nearly my entire peer network remains married) all traded down in the quality of man with whom they would associate. Perhaps for those dumb enough to choose beaters and addicts, the options are better after divorce.

One nearly universal outcome is that the children do not benefit. Divorce is often a selfish act--look at all the "me, me, me" discussion in this thread with nary a peep about the children.

well you sound like a nice person!

I'm quite kind, but divorce is bad for children so I oppose it everywhere possible. My value is that children are more important than a woman's ever-changing feelings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a non-divorced person, this thread does not comport with my observations. Generally, the few divorced women I know (because nearly my entire peer network remains married) all traded down in the quality of man with whom they would associate. Perhaps for those dumb enough to choose beaters and addicts, the options are better after divorce.

One nearly universal outcome is that the children do not benefit. Divorce is often a selfish act--look at all the "me, me, me" discussion in this thread with nary a peep about the children.

well you sound like a nice person!

I'm quite kind, but divorce is bad for children so I oppose it everywhere possible. My value is that children are more important than a woman's ever-changing feelings.

Oh. It isn’t that you are unkind. You are ignorant and judgmental. Some people are unable to understand situations other than your own. In some ways, that probably makes your life easier. Intelligence can be hard.