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[quote=Anonymous][quote]
Anonymous wrote:
Op here - didn’t expect this to get so many responses, thanks for everyone’s perspective.

To clarify, they would not just give us the money. They would put a big portion toward the down payment, we pay a smaller portion, and we pay the mortgage. But house would be in their name. This is specifically to prevent us from selling and moving “too soon.” As you can imagine they would be heavily involved in the buying process too, ie we have to pick a house they “like.” They are picky and have different lifestyle preferences than us.

I think there is some truth to PPs saying our alternative is too abstract for them to how to help. They are generally kind and try to be helpful where they can, for example when it comes to babysitting etc. We are very familiar with our desired spot - it’s where we used to live and work for many years. They know we cannot afford to buy there but we also never asked them for help, they know we are fine staying renters there. While we don’t have a date set it’s not entirely just talk either, as we have done short term trips there frequently in the last five years to research neighborhoods (down to the street), vet schools etc. it’s become a sensitive topic, and whenever we mention moving, planning to move, researching to move, or taking another trip there, my mother is visibly upset. This has led us to stop sharing our plans and intentions as much as we used to.

What prompted my original question wasnt so much “why aren’t they giving us a hand out to use however we want?!” as why they are making the kind of specific offer they are, knowing what they know, and calling it a gift. Having read the responses here I think yes, it’s a transaction that they see as mutually beneficial, rather than what we think of as truly a gift.

And yes, I think spousal distrust is at play here too. We’ve had ups and downs in our marriage. We are absolutely committed to staying together but my parents are both pretty cynical lawyers. I don’t think they would be happy if my spouse walked away with half of the down payment they put up.

Anyways, we are not going to take the offer. Life will be harder for us if we move, financially and logistically, but we are pretty confident it’s the better location for our family (and our relationship).

OP, I would just be careful and protect yourself. Several years ago I posted something re: my personal life. I was appalled at the answers, couldn't believe they were accurate, only to learn that they were correct. Sometimes people can see things in an anonymous post that the poster can't see.

[b]I would accept that your parents are trying to protect you, see something you don't, and hoping that you aren't being negatively influenced by your DH. [/b]Your last comment makes me think of the woman who thinks getting pregnant will save her marriage. I expect you to say no way. But just sit with it.
[/quote]

Yep.  Parent of adult child and agree with this take.  They don't trust your DH and are not going  to shell out hundreds of thousands  only to see  it walk away in a divorce.  They are saying they want to structure it so you couldn't just up and  walk away, but what  they may really be thinking is that  they want  to make sure their child and grandchildren have stable  secure  housing in the event of divorce---keeping the  house  in their name would  accomplish that.  I also agree with the observer who  noted that should  OP move  away from the area, then her parents  are  now going to have travel expenses  every  time they want   to come  see them.    Go ahead and move to the HCOL area with your spouse.  If  the marriage stays stable and  healthy, maybe your parents offer to help you in a few years.  If it doesn't, then you can always return back here and your parents  can buy a house  for you  and their grandchildren then.     [/quote]

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