Is my expectation unreasonable?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why doesn't DH exercise in the evening while you hang with the baby and then take the baby in the AM while you sleep? You'll miss your downtime, but you'll get more sleep.

OP here. He’s a morning workout person. He doesn’t like working out in the evenings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:His morning workouts needs to be shortened or stopped and moved to lunchtime. PP is right that the problem is that there’s no compromise here and he’s dictating the rules. That won’t work.

Consider this your first real negotiation in your marriage and remember that it will be a template for most others going forward. If you decide to bend until you break now, that will be your only option going forward.

Talk, negotiate, be a team, or prepare to be adversaries later.

OP here. He often doesn’t take a lunch or works through it. He’s a CFO and works busy hours. He used to work 10-11 hour days but shortened it to 8-9 hours since going back.

He says working out is his form of stress relief. He needs it to get through the day.

And I’m a subspecialty physician and mom. 12/16/24 hr days were how I lived before baby. Ask me how much of that changed after baby; the answer is all of it. I’m still very successful. DD is 12.

OP you’re a new sleep-deprived mom so I’ll be gentle: I reiterate my advice to work as a team, which means not finding ways to justify your H’s 90 min morning workouts, especially since it seems as if your plan is to return to work. Bottom line is that it’s a new day/plan/life for everyone here. That doesn’t mean your H has to turn into a couch potato. It means you both need to get creative about getting your needs met. I don’t see you advocating for yourself here and frankly that puts you on the fast train to becoming SAHM. Which, if that’s your choice, fantastic. That can be a great life. If it’s not your choice and it becomes the default reality it’s a prison. You’ve seen the threads on this topic.

Start now, slowly, with one baby, finding a middle ground for your family. If you’re asking “am I unreasonable”, the answer is “probably not”.

[Anonymous]

You seem to have an excuse for any offered solution. You have to change or nothing will.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have to stagger the night. You go to bed early, like 9pm, he does the 11pm/midnight feeding while you’re asleep. Then he goes to bed and you do the rest of the feedings.

It sucks but it won’t last forever.

OP here. This is what I was hoping would happen but nope. He said he does enough, and he actually does. I just wish I had help during the night. I still get very little sleep.

Can you flip it so he does the morning? But there is no “enough” where a new baby is concerned. You need sleep too.

OP here. He won’t do mornings either. This is our current setup.

He wakes up at 5:30/6am for a 1-1.5hr workout and then leaves by 7:30/8am for work.

He gets home around 5:30. I put the baby down for an evening nap around this time. I will make dinner while he changes and has a couple of minutes to decompress. We eat and then he takes the baby and I do whatever for 2-3 hours except for nursing. Then we hang out as a family. He puts our son to bed each night. He does let me sleep in and does more on the weekends.

Currently, my baby goes to bed at 10pm and is up at 12:30/1am, 3/4am, 5/6am. and up for the day at 7/8am. This pretty much sums up our day too.

You should be sleeping during this time.

OP here. I’ve tried but I usually can’t fall asleep that early. I’ve always had sleep issues, and having a baby has made it worse.

I see. Sorry to hear. Can you nap with the baby during the day? Take a melatonin in the evening? It sounds like it’s not only your DH but also the fact you’re having sleep issues independent of his schedule.

No she can’t. She’ll smother the baby with her large breasts.

lol best comment

[Anonymous]

Okay, well, you can't go to bed early because DH doesn't like it, you can't have him exercise at night and hang with the baby in the morning because he doesn't like it, and you can't have him get up in the night because he doesn't like it. Sounds like you just need to not sleep then! Hope posting this helped you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Okay, well, you can't go to bed early because DH doesn't like it, you can't have him exercise at night and hang with the baby in the morning because he doesn't like it, and you can't have him get up in the night because he doesn't like it. Sounds like you just need to not sleep then! Hope posting this helped you.

You cannot pump or side feed because you don’t want you to and your breasts are so enormous that they would suffocate a child.

[Anonymous]

I was team DH until you said he has to work out in the morning. I am a fitness fanatic but DH not helping you in the morning so he can be his best self while you're drowning is not acceptable.

Until the baby can sleep longer hours DH needs to either get up once at night or do mornings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You seem to have an excuse for any offered solution. You have to change or nothing will.

OP here. No excuses. I’ve explained the situation and answered questions. That’s it’s.

I’ve said I will try go to bed earlier. That’s all I can really do besides hire help, which my hand is against because he fears the caregiver will hurt our child out of frustration or something.

[Anonymous]

Well I do appreciate all the stay-at-home moms chiming in I really think that we need to separate stay-at-home moms who are x amount of months from pregnancy and childbirth from a woman who's 7 weeks postpartum. She still supposed to be healing and taking things relatively easily she's on maternity leave which is different than being a stay-at-home mother.
I also want to add that being a stay-at-home mother is a choice that you are making with all that comes with it and you should be having discussions with your spouse about what that means and how the labor and division will work in your family when you are staying at home.
She is not a stay-at-home mother none of the stay home mother stuff applies here.

Also OP if you hadn't had a lactation consultant come to your house and help you with positions it might be a good idea. While babies do have preferred positions a lot of times preferred positions can indicate tension within the body and or other issues. I am the side lying nursing poster who suggested it and I have 36F boobs not pregnant. Large boobs can nurse in lots of positions. This fear of smothering is also indicative to me that maybe the positioning of the latch is not great because the nose should be above the breast and essentially visible. Yes it can smoosh but again I think a LC may be helpful. Also adding that if you plan to nurse for a long time that your body will not appreciate only being able to nurse in one position

I can also see that you are already falling into the trap of your free time and your self-care time being about managing some of the remaining things of the household as you mentioned that you're free time is either spent cooking doing things around the house nursing or spending time as a family or couple. Showering is not self-care it's hygiene. Sleeping is not self care it is a need for human existence.
Your husband is continually asking you to give while the only thing that he's giving up is an hour of his normal two and a half hour workouts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have to stagger the night. You go to bed early, like 9pm, he does the 11pm/midnight feeding while you’re asleep. Then he goes to bed and you do the rest of the feedings.

It sucks but it won’t last forever.

OP here. This is what I was hoping would happen but nope. He said he does enough, and he actually does. I just wish I had help during the night. I still get very little sleep.

Can you flip it so he does the morning? But there is no “enough” where a new baby is concerned. You need sleep too.

OP here. He won’t do mornings either. This is our current setup.

He wakes up at 5:30/6am for a 1-1.5hr workout and then leaves by 7:30/8am for work.

He gets home around 5:30. I put the baby down for an evening nap around this time. I will make dinner while he changes and has a couple of minutes to decompress. We eat and then he takes the baby and I do whatever for 2-3 hours except for nursing. Then we hang out as a family. He puts our son to bed each night. He does let me sleep in and does more on the weekends.

Currently, my baby goes to bed at 10pm and is up at 12:30/1am, 3/4am, 5/6am. and up for the day at 7/8am. This pretty much sums up our day too.

He gives you 2-3 hours free time in the evening and you are complaining?

+1. Not sure why it would be unreasonable to get 1-1.5 hours to workout when you get double that to do whatever you want, including workout if you so desire.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have to stagger the night. You go to bed early, like 9pm, he does the 11pm/midnight feeding while you’re asleep. Then he goes to bed and you do the rest of the feedings.

It sucks but it won’t last forever.

OP here. This is what I was hoping would happen but nope. He said he does enough, and he actually does. I just wish I had help during the night. I still get very little sleep.

Can you flip it so he does the morning? But there is no “enough” where a new baby is concerned. You need sleep too.

OP here. He won’t do mornings either. This is our current setup.

He wakes up at 5:30/6am for a 1-1.5hr workout and then leaves by 7:30/8am for work.

He gets home around 5:30. I put the baby down for an evening nap around this time. I will make dinner while he changes and has a couple of minutes to decompress. We eat and then he takes the baby and I do whatever for 2-3 hours except for nursing. Then we hang out as a family. He puts our son to bed each night. He does let me sleep in and does more on the weekends.

Currently, my baby goes to bed at 10pm and is up at 12:30/1am, 3/4am, 5/6am. and up for the day at 7/8am. This pretty much sums up our day too.

He gives you 2-3 hours free time in the evening and you are complaining?

+1. Not sure why it would be unreasonable to get 1-1.5 hours to workout when you get double that to do whatever you want, including workout if you so desire.

Because it is not free time. She cooks dinner, does household stuff and has to hang out with him because he says it's couples time or whatever.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I’m being unrealistic and will suck it up.

[Anonymous]

I don’t get it. He has to work. You are still home. Therefore you get up. I did when I was home even with a toddler and colicky newborn. I can’t imagine trying to work with getting zero sleep.

[Anonymous]

My babies all nurses constantly in the evenings, I don’t understand how that is when you’re not nursing at all, and you’re not pumping? How about having DH give the baby some formula during that time to see if it fills him up more to sleep better at night? My kids didn’t do great with bottles so no idea if that would help, I just remember always being chained to a baby in the evenings!

I’m a SAHM now, though I planned to go back to work when my first was born. I had a hard time going to sleep early too, but my DH was happy to give up morning workouts to hang out with the baby until he absolutely had to go into work. Not every day, but often on Wednesdays he would try to go in later so I could get a little more sleep, and then I’d sleep in on weekends. A daily 90 minute workout is a luxury he doesn’t have with a tiny newborn. Either use the money for a night nurse (get a recommendation from a friend!) or convince him to cut back a little to get you a longer stretch of sleep sometimes. Occasionally switching to a 30 min jog won’t kill him.

[Anonymous]

I haven’t read all the responses but my DH never woke up for any of our 3 kids. Ever. I did every single night feeding.

A few things that helped:

1) I know DH js a bad sleeper and once he woken up he has a very very hard time falling back asleep. I can fall asleep anywhere anyplace. I would do a 30 minute feed, put baby back to sleep then knock out.

2) dh works a very stressful high pace job. Not getting quality sleep wasn’t an option.

3) our kids were all sleeping through the night by 3-4 months (like 12 hour stretches). So it wasn’t forever and I was able to get sleep again

The hardest was when I had a kid during Covid and all my other kids were home. Then I wasn’t able to nap when the baby napped during the day. And of course this was my one kid who ate every 45 minutes. But it passed quickly and by 4 months he was sleeping through the night.