Is my expectation unreasonable?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Um...yea...I think he just doesn't have perspective. A full 8 hours of sleep and a lengthy solo daily workout are just not normal things to have when you're the parent of a new baby. I suppose if you had an enormous amount of household help, you could make it happen. But if you're just a normal family, it's just doesn't work that way. He should expect to be tired at this stage in life. It's a phase but it's a tough one. Parenting is 24/7. There is no such thing as pausing it for the night.

Also-- does he think sleep will just go back to normal when you go back to work in a few weeks? My babies went through so many phases of sleep and you just never knew when there would be a sleep regression, or developmental leap or illness that made sleep tough. And bigger question--what is he going to do if you have more kids? Sometimes they are both dealing with sleep stuff and both parents have to parent at night.

Can he plan to go to bed earlier? And then he could take that 4am-ish wake up and then put him back down while you sleep? If he has time, he can head to his lavish (sorry, but it really is obnoxious that he expects this right now) workout routine afterwards? There has to be some way he can help on either end of the long, long night.

I truly promise this won't last forever but you've both got to get direct with one another and practical. You both need some sleep--enough so that you can drive a car safely, have some emotional regulation and safely manage a baby--that's the goal!

OP here. He thinks he made a sacrifice with working out. He used to work out for 2-2.5 hours a day. This is his new and improved workout routine lol

We have a housekeeper and use meal services to make more our lives easier.

He told me we can figure it out once I go back to work, but that I should be the one to take care of him at night while I’m home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, OP I would ask what his expectation is when you go back to work in 7 weeks. He needs a full 8 hours to work so what do you get when you go back to work?

I would determine when each of you get your prime sleep. I get better sleep between 1-5, my DH is best between 9-1 because he normally wakes at 4/430. When our new baby arrives, Ill be returning at 6 weeks he has 12 weeks. I can just laugh at being like no hunny you get all overnight and all day because I am working.

You are essentially getting a 3-5 hour "break" where you cook dinner and hanging out as a family. I would bet dollars to donuts you are not just relaxing during that time especially if nursing. You are also about to hit 8 weeks and some big growth spurts. He will be nursing constantly during some of those spurts.

OP here. This. I would love if he can take over the morning feed at 5/6am or the 10pm feeding entirely.

I do actually get down time. I shower, sometimes nap if I can fall asleep, or just binge watch shows in between nursing.

You said he puts the baby to sleep. What is preventing him from taking over the 10 p.m feed entirely?

OP here. I don’t pump. I’ve actually never used a pump. I’ve down hand expressing and I collect the letdown while nursing. That’s what we use for his evening bottles. It’s much easier for me to nurse.

Where do live? Sub Saharan Africa?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:SAHM married to a CEO, and with a newborn as well! You both need adequate sleep, and with a newborn that's more important than a workout. An uninterrupted stretch of sleep is vitally important to your continued healing, your mental health, and your ability to be a good wife and mother. Wanting to sleep for longer than three hours at a stretch is not unreasonable.

That said, you need to approach it with your husband as a collaboration, the two of you vs. the problem (the baby). You are sleep-deprived. What is the best way for you to get more sleep? How can he help? Don't get mad, don't tell him he's a jerk, just work together to figure out what's going to work for your family.

For mine -- when we have a newborn, I go to bed as soon as the big kids do and my husband stays up and deals with the baby until he can't stay awake, then he comes to bed and I take over for the rest of the night. We let him sleep in as long as he can in the morning. He hasn't exercised every day in years, because he's got a big job and a big family and those are more important right now.

OP here. I definitely need to work on going to bed earlier. My husband has also made remarks that we don’t spend time together when I have mentioned trying to go to bed at 8 or 9pm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have to stagger the night. You go to bed early, like 9pm, he does the 11pm/midnight feeding while you’re asleep. Then he goes to bed and you do the rest of the feedings.

It sucks but it won’t last forever.

OP here. This is what I was hoping would happen but nope. He said he does enough, and he actually does. I just wish I had help during the night. I still get very little sleep.

Can you flip it so he does the morning? But there is no “enough” where a new baby is concerned. You need sleep too.

OP here. He won’t do mornings either. This is our current setup.

He wakes up at 5:30/6am for a 1-1.5hr workout and then leaves by 7:30/8am for work.

He gets home around 5:30. I put the baby down for an evening nap around this time. I will make dinner while he changes and has a couple of minutes to decompress. We eat and then he takes the baby and I do whatever for 2-3 hours except for nursing. Then we hang out as a family. He puts our son to bed each night. He does let me sleep in and does more on the weekends.

Currently, my baby goes to bed at 10pm and is up at 12:30/1am, 3/4am, 5/6am. and up for the day at 7/8am. This pretty much sums up our day too.

Got it Troll.

OP here. How am I a troll?

[Anonymous]

We do it where my husband took baby from 7-11:30 pm then again at 4:30 am so I could sleep until 7:30 am when he had to bring my daughter to daycare. Sucks but what can you do?

[Anonymous]

I think it’s difficult and the newborn situation looks different for every family. When my husband Went back to work, then I took all overnights. His job was to be functional at the office and my job was sahm.

He helped mornings and nights and was a fully involved parent. It worked for us.

We also helped was sleep training our baby. Made my life much easier.

[Anonymous]

I'm one of the first page posters with DH helping in the mornings -- the workouts need to go. I also exclusively nursed, it was faster and easier on everyone. We women rarely get to do workouts during the baby's first year, I know I wanted to, but when I had any time left over, I slept! Once you have kids, there is no working out for 2h a day, unless working out means jogging with the baby stroller!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have to stagger the night. You go to bed early, like 9pm, he does the 11pm/midnight feeding while you’re asleep. Then he goes to bed and you do the rest of the feedings.

It sucks but it won’t last forever.

OP here. This is what I was hoping would happen but nope. He said he does enough, and he actually does. I just wish I had help during the night. I still get very little sleep.

Can you flip it so he does the morning? But there is no “enough” where a new baby is concerned. You need sleep too.

OP here. He won’t do mornings either. This is our current setup.

He wakes up at 5:30/6am for a 1-1.5hr workout and then leaves by 7:30/8am for work.

He gets home around 5:30. I put the baby down for an evening nap around this time. I will make dinner while he changes and has a couple of minutes to decompress. We eat and then he takes the baby and I do whatever for 2-3 hours except for nursing. Then we hang out as a family. He puts our son to bed each night. He does let me sleep in and does more on the weekends.

Currently, my baby goes to bed at 10pm and is up at 12:30/1am, 3/4am, 5/6am. and up for the day at 7/8am. This pretty much sums up our day too.

He gives you 2-3 hours free time in the evening and you are complaining?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm one of the first page posters with DH helping in the mornings -- the workouts need to go. I also exclusively nursed, it was faster and easier on everyone. We women rarely get to do workouts during the baby's first year, I know I wanted to, but when I had any time left over, I slept! Once you have kids, there is no working out for 2h a day, unless working out means jogging with the baby stroller!

OP has 2-3 hours of free time in the evenings thanks to her husband. She can work out. He is working more hours than she is in a day.

[Anonymous]

OP, it sounds like DH is taking some of the night - 2-3 free hours in the evening? You need to work on going to sleep earlier. It sounds fair that he has a couple of hours free in the morning.

During the first few months when baby wasn't sleeping well, I slept 7:30-12 while DH managed baby and then I took the rest of the night shift. Seems like this is feasible for you?

[Anonymous]

I was married to a doctor. In no way was he getting up in the middle of the night. He did help me out on Fridays and Saturdays but even then it was difficult for both of us. I was a SAHM. The one working needs more sleep.

As others have said try and stagger sleep times. And remember this too shall pass.

[Anonymous]

Why doesn't DH exercise in the evening while you hang with the baby and then take the baby in the AM while you sleep? You'll miss your downtime, but you'll get more sleep.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, your expectation is unreasonable. That's how it is with the baby. One needs to rest to be functional at work, during the day you should take naps with the baby. My DH woke up earlier in the mornings to take care of the baby for 1.5-2 hours before work to let me sleep. We slept in separate rooms for him to be able to sleep as well. It's a difficult time.

+1. And he’s not “parenting” at night OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have to stagger the night. You go to bed early, like 9pm, he does the 11pm/midnight feeding while you’re asleep. Then he goes to bed and you do the rest of the feedings.

It sucks but it won’t last forever.

OP here. This is what I was hoping would happen but nope. He said he does enough, and he actually does. I just wish I had help during the night. I still get very little sleep.

Can you flip it so he does the morning? But there is no “enough” where a new baby is concerned. You need sleep too.

OP here. He won’t do mornings either. This is our current setup.

He wakes up at 5:30/6am for a 1-1.5hr workout and then leaves by 7:30/8am for work.

He gets home around 5:30. I put the baby down for an evening nap around this time. I will make dinner while he changes and has a couple of minutes to decompress. We eat and then he takes the baby and I do whatever for 2-3 hours except for nursing. Then we hang out as a family. He puts our son to bed each night. He does let me sleep in and does more on the weekends.

Currently, my baby goes to bed at 10pm and is up at 12:30/1am, 3/4am, 5/6am. and up for the day at 7/8am. This pretty much sums up our day too.

He gives you 2-3 hours free time in the evening and you are complaining?

OP here. It’s baby free but not always. He will give him to me to nurse and if he can’t settle him. I also do things around the house during this time too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, it sounds like DH is taking some of the night - 2-3 free hours in the evening? You need to work on going to sleep earlier. It sounds fair that he has a couple of hours free in the morning.

During the first few months when baby wasn't sleeping well, I slept 7:30-12 while DH managed baby and then I took the rest of the night shift. Seems like this is feasible for you?

OP here. I’ve mentioned going to bed at 8/9pm but my husband said we won’t get any time with each other during the week.