Is my expectation unreasonable?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have to stagger the night. You go to bed early, like 9pm, he does the 11pm/midnight feeding while you’re asleep. Then he goes to bed and you do the rest of the feedings.

It sucks but it won’t last forever.

OP here. This is what I was hoping would happen but nope. He said he does enough, and he actually does. I just wish I had help during the night. I still get very little sleep.

Can you flip it so he does the morning? But there is no “enough” where a new baby is concerned. You need sleep too.

OP here. He won’t do mornings either. This is our current setup.

He wakes up at 5:30/6am for a 1-1.5hr workout and then leaves by 7:30/8am for work.

He gets home around 5:30. I put the baby down for an evening nap around this time. I will make dinner while he changes and has a couple of minutes to decompress. We eat and then he takes the baby and I do whatever for 2-3 hours except for nursing. Then we hang out as a family. He puts our son to bed each night. He does let me sleep in and does more on the weekends.

Currently, my baby goes to bed at 10pm and is up at 12:30/1am, 3/4am, 5/6am. and up for the day at 7/8am. This pretty much sums up our day too.

Oh hell no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:His morning workouts needs to be shortened or stopped and moved to lunchtime. PP is right that the problem is that there’s no compromise here and he’s dictating the rules. That won’t work.

Consider this your first real negotiation in your marriage and remember that it will be a template for most others going forward. If you decide to bend until you break now, that will be your only option going forward.

Talk, negotiate, be a team, or prepare to be adversaries later.

This, over an hour working out and saying he doesn't have time for HIS CHILD. Ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Also, OP I would ask what his expectation is when you go back to work in 7 weeks. He needs a full 8 hours to work so what do you get when you go back to work?

I would determine when each of you get your prime sleep. I get better sleep between 1-5, my DH is best between 9-1 because he normally wakes at 4/430. When our new baby arrives, Ill be returning at 6 weeks he has 12 weeks. I can just laugh at being like no hunny you get all overnight and all day because I am working.

You are essentially getting a 3-5 hour "break" where you cook dinner and hanging out as a family. I would bet dollars to donuts you are not just relaxing during that time especially if nursing. You are also about to hit 8 weeks and some big growth spurts. He will be nursing constantly during some of those spurts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, your expectation is unreasonable. That's how it is with the baby. One needs to rest to be functional at work, during the day you should take naps with the baby. My DH woke up earlier in the mornings to take care of the baby for 1.5-2 hours before work to let me sleep. We slept in separate rooms for him to be able to sleep as well. It's a difficult time.

OP here. Noted. He won’t do mornings either because he works out and gets ready for work. Maybe I am the unreasonable one.

The working out would probably annoy me too. Also, what does your husband do? If he's a surgeon then yes - unreasonable. Office drone then no - tell him to deal with the baby like most good working parents do.

OP here. He’s a CFO of a large corporation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have to stagger the night. You go to bed early, like 9pm, he does the 11pm/midnight feeding while you’re asleep. Then he goes to bed and you do the rest of the feedings.

It sucks but it won’t last forever.

OP here. This is what I was hoping would happen but nope. He said he does enough, and he actually does. I just wish I had help during the night. I still get very little sleep.

You keep saying he does a lot or enough. What does he do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:His morning workouts needs to be shortened or stopped and moved to lunchtime. PP is right that the problem is that there’s no compromise here and he’s dictating the rules. That won’t work.

Consider this your first real negotiation in your marriage and remember that it will be a template for most others going forward. If you decide to bend until you break now, that will be your only option going forward.

Talk, negotiate, be a team, or prepare to be adversaries later.

OP here. He often doesn’t take a lunch or works through it. He’s a CFO and works busy hours. He used to work 10-11 hour days but shortened it to 8-9 hours since going back.

He says working out is his form of stress relief. He needs it to get through the day.

[Anonymous]

I totally support the working out, but think you should go to bed way earlier than you do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have to stagger the night. You go to bed early, like 9pm, he does the 11pm/midnight feeding while you’re asleep. Then he goes to bed and you do the rest of the feedings.

It sucks but it won’t last forever.

OP here. This is what I was hoping would happen but nope. He said he does enough, and he actually does. I just wish I had help during the night. I still get very little sleep.

Can you flip it so he does the morning? But there is no “enough” where a new baby is concerned. You need sleep too.

OP here. He won’t do mornings either. This is our current setup.

He wakes up at 5:30/6am for a 1-1.5hr workout and then leaves by 7:30/8am for work.

He gets home around 5:30. I put the baby down for an evening nap around this time. I will make dinner while he changes and has a couple of minutes to decompress. We eat and then he takes the baby and I do whatever for 2-3 hours except for nursing. Then we hang out as a family. He puts our son to bed each night. He does let me sleep in and does more on the weekends.

Currently, my baby goes to bed at 10pm and is up at 12:30/1am, 3/4am, 5/6am. and up for the day at 7/8am. This pretty much sums up our day too.

You should be sleeping during this time.

OP here. I’ve tried but I usually can’t fall asleep that early. I’ve always had sleep issues, and having a baby has made it worse.

We are going to suggest things your husband should work on but you need to work on this one. This is on you; you need to sleep right after dinner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also, OP I would ask what his expectation is when you go back to work in 7 weeks. He needs a full 8 hours to work so what do you get when you go back to work?

I would determine when each of you get your prime sleep. I get better sleep between 1-5, my DH is best between 9-1 because he normally wakes at 4/430. When our new baby arrives, Ill be returning at 6 weeks he has 12 weeks. I can just laugh at being like no hunny you get all overnight and all day because I am working.

You are essentially getting a 3-5 hour "break" where you cook dinner and hanging out as a family. I would bet dollars to donuts you are not just relaxing during that time especially if nursing. You are also about to hit 8 weeks and some big growth spurts. He will be nursing constantly during some of those spurts.

OP here. This. I would love if he can take over the morning feed at 5/6am or the 10pm feeding entirely.

I do actually get down time. I shower, sometimes nap if I can fall asleep, or just binge watch shows in between nursing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have to stagger the night. You go to bed early, like 9pm, he does the 11pm/midnight feeding while you’re asleep. Then he goes to bed and you do the rest of the feedings.

It sucks but it won’t last forever.

OP here. This is what I was hoping would happen but nope. He said he does enough, and he actually does. I just wish I had help during the night. I still get very little sleep.

Can you flip it so he does the morning? But there is no “enough” where a new baby is concerned. You need sleep too.

OP here. He won’t do mornings either. This is our current setup.

He wakes up at 5:30/6am for a 1-1.5hr workout and then leaves by 7:30/8am for work.

He gets home around 5:30. I put the baby down for an evening nap around this time. I will make dinner while he changes and has a couple of minutes to decompress. We eat and then he takes the baby and I do whatever for 2-3 hours except for nursing. Then we hang out as a family. He puts our son to bed each night. He does let me sleep in and does more on the weekends.

Currently, my baby goes to bed at 10pm and is up at 12:30/1am, 3/4am, 5/6am. and up for the day at 7/8am. This pretty much sums up our day too.

You should be sleeping during this time.

OP here. I’ve tried but I usually can’t fall asleep that early. I’ve always had sleep issues, and having a baby has made it worse.

I see. Sorry to hear. Can you nap with the baby during the day? Take a melatonin in the evening? It sounds like it’s not only your DH but also the fact you’re having sleep issues independent of his schedule.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, OP I would ask what his expectation is when you go back to work in 7 weeks. He needs a full 8 hours to work so what do you get when you go back to work?

I would determine when each of you get your prime sleep. I get better sleep between 1-5, my DH is best between 9-1 because he normally wakes at 4/430. When our new baby arrives, Ill be returning at 6 weeks he has 12 weeks. I can just laugh at being like no hunny you get all overnight and all day because I am working.

You are essentially getting a 3-5 hour "break" where you cook dinner and hanging out as a family. I would bet dollars to donuts you are not just relaxing during that time especially if nursing. You are also about to hit 8 weeks and some big growth spurts. He will be nursing constantly during some of those spurts.

OP here. This. I would love if he can take over the morning feed at 5/6am or the 10pm feeding entirely.

I do actually get down time. I shower, sometimes nap if I can fall asleep, or just binge watch shows in between nursing.

You said he puts the baby to sleep. What is preventing him from taking over the 10 p.m feed entirely?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have to stagger the night. You go to bed early, like 9pm, he does the 11pm/midnight feeding while you’re asleep. Then he goes to bed and you do the rest of the feedings.

It sucks but it won’t last forever.

OP here. This is what I was hoping would happen but nope. He said he does enough, and he actually does. I just wish I had help during the night. I still get very little sleep.

You keep saying he does a lot or enough. What does he do?

OP here. He takes the baby from 6ish - 9pm nightly. This helps me do whatever I want to do. He will clean up the kitchen and living room while I’m nursing. He then will put the baby to bed before he goes to bed. He does mornings on the weekends and will get up if I ask him. He lets me sleep in and he largely does most of the childcare on the weekends so I can rest. This is why I’m asking if I’m being unreasonable.

[Anonymous]

Yes, I think you are totally unreasonable. You can sleep during the day. He can’t.

A SAHM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have to stagger the night. You go to bed early, like 9pm, he does the 11pm/midnight feeding while you’re asleep. Then he goes to bed and you do the rest of the feedings.

It sucks but it won’t last forever.

OP here. This is what I was hoping would happen but nope. He said he does enough, and he actually does. I just wish I had help during the night. I still get very little sleep.

Can you flip it so he does the morning? But there is no “enough” where a new baby is concerned. You need sleep too.

OP here. He won’t do mornings either. This is our current setup.

He wakes up at 5:30/6am for a 1-1.5hr workout and then leaves by 7:30/8am for work.

He gets home around 5:30. I put the baby down for an evening nap around this time. I will make dinner while he changes and has a couple of minutes to decompress. We eat and then he takes the baby and I do whatever for 2-3 hours except for nursing. Then we hang out as a family. He puts our son to bed each night. He does let me sleep in and does more on the weekends.

Currently, my baby goes to bed at 10pm and is up at 12:30/1am, 3/4am, 5/6am. and up for the day at 7/8am. This pretty much sums up our day too.

You should be sleeping during this time.

OP here. I’ve tried but I usually can’t fall asleep that early. I’ve always had sleep issues, and having a baby has made it worse.

I see. Sorry to hear. Can you nap with the baby during the day? Take a melatonin in the evening? It sounds like it’s not only your DH but also the fact you’re having sleep issues independent of his schedule.

OP here. I will sometimes take a 20-30 minute nap during the day. It depends on my son ( Eli) schedule. Sometimes he naps for 2 hours, and other times it’s for 30 minutes. It’s very unpredictable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have to stagger the night. You go to bed early, like 9pm, he does the 11pm/midnight feeding while you’re asleep. Then he goes to bed and you do the rest of the feedings.

It sucks but it won’t last forever.

OP here. This is what I was hoping would happen but nope. He said he does enough, and he actually does. I just wish I had help during the night. I still get very little sleep.

You keep saying he does a lot or enough. What does he do?

OP here. He takes the baby from 6ish - 9pm nightly. This helps me do whatever I want to do. He will clean up the kitchen and living room while I’m nursing. He then will put the baby to bed before he goes to bed. He does mornings on the weekends and will get up if I ask him. He lets me sleep in and he largely does most of the childcare on the weekends so I can rest. This is why I’m asking if I’m being unreasonable.

So he’s basically working all of the time. Got it.