How to politely shut down super-privileged boomer parents' complaints?

[Anonymous]

OP, they can tell you disapprove. It does not matter how good you are at pretending you are good with them and controlling your body language---your father and stepmom can sniff out your disapproval and that you are hoping for an inheritance. I'd bet good money (ok, not really) they will leave it all to charity.

[Anonymous]

I hear you. Mine are the same, except my father realizes our generation doesn't have a chance like theirs did. I've tried over three years to buy a house, and every single time one of the big developers buys it out from under me with cash. They use their algorithms to prey on "contingent" or "pending" sales, and then buy it up and rent it out at nearly twice the price of the mortgage. I showed my father, and he was distraught. I showed my mother and she began to tell me how hard they had it. How hard? Graduate school cost them $85/ credit hour and they were making $5,000 from her salary alone monthly back in the 90's. They've also spent a lot on a new build, vehicles, etc. then complained about copays for medications going up, or worrying about their fixed income when they both decided to retire early. Now, I'm struggling through Grad School, even with scholarships, while working full time and supporting my kiddos (a good co-parenting situation, but we're both struggling through as rental rates and mortgage insurance have increased along with everything else). It's difficult to listen to them, and to turn them down when I cannot help them when working full time and I have my grad program that I'm not willing to sacrifice. Also I took care of them when they went through depression and anxiety. I was 12 and it lasted until I left (got married young to get out) at 18. Every time I've checked in with them, I end up taking care of them. I cannot do it anymore and push my wellbeing to the back burner. I hope you also find a way to establish boundaries and walk away.

[Anonymous]

Milk it OP. Sympathize with their plight, as then next weekm Tell them a sob story about how you're suffering financially in some way, even if it's fake.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry you had such an awful, disappointing, stingy, distant father, OP. Truly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So your income is way more than the average American household and are complaining but because your parents have more than you they don’t have the right to complain.
Hypocrisy at its finest.

Op sounds awful. Complaining incessantly while expecting a handout. OP is an adult and should handle her own responsibilities without expecting money to fall in her lap.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do you spend time with these people? Are you hoping for an inheritance?

OP here: Partly, yes, and you can judge all you want, but we will likely end up with a life-changing amount of money from them in roughly two decades, one that would allow us to be generous with family/friends/community in ways they are not and we can't afford to be. Out of the three siblings, I'm the only one who has put meaningful effort into building a great relationship with my stepmother.

The non-monetary part is that spouse and I barely have family to speak of - spouse has some who went headfirst down the right wing conspiracy rabbit hole and some who are kind of loony and not involved; my siblings are deeply self-absorbed and our relationships are very one-sided; my mother passed away. My parents suck in many ways, but they like our kids, babysit for a couple hours once in a blue moon, and I'm hoping that as our kids get older my parents can be somewhat supportive bonus adults in their lives, particularly my stepmother, who can exhibit surprising moments of thoughtfulness and caring.

If they are as rich as you think they are why don’t you ask your father for some money to get out of debt or whatever the issue is. I don’t know any parents who are in the top 0.01% who don’t take care of their kids even as adults. Or at the very least they set up trusts for their grandchildren.

Talk honestly with him. Is he in his 70’s? If so ask him if he has a HCP and if there is anything you should know about what he would want if he becomes incapacitated.

[Anonymous]

To answer your original question, I don’t think you can shut them down, but you can reframe it in your mind so it does not bother you as much. Try not to think about it as money complaining, think of it as that they are sharing parts of their life with you. Since they are money oriented, that is what they talk about.

It sounds like, there are aspects of the relationship that you enjoy. (Mainly the step-grandmother relationship). Concentrate on those and make sure your current relationship is enough for you to continue it without projecting the hope of a better one. Have you ever talked through things with a therapist? I resisted for years, but finally started seeing someone last January. It really helped me to reset some of my perspectives and reduced my anxiety. It did not take long. I have now “graduated”, but I have her number and can call if something needs tweaking.

My kids were also somewhat short changed in the grand parent department and it is hard to see others who have what we don’t. However, things are not always as they seem and what we think we are missing isn’t all that wonderful. One of the great comments I have read on DCUM, is “don’t compare your insides to other people’s outsides”.

[Anonymous]

I think the fact that they refuse to put even 50 bucks in a 529 is a huge red flag.

[Anonymous]

You aren’t getting anything OP. If they were going to give you a dime, they’d help you now.

He will die, she will get it all and 99.99% chance you never hear from her again, or maybe she will outright tell you that you’re no longer family. When she dies, money will go to a blood relative niece OR charitable donation in her name.

[Anonymous]

Oh and how to shut them down…you and your husband stop sitting around like sycophants listening to them drone on, I’m sure you two make a good audience while you’re counting your future inheritance…that will never materialize.

[Anonymous]

OP they are selfish and self centered. They don’t see it and never will. You need to stop hoping that they will become nice people with empathy. It will never happen and it’s likely to get worse over time.

You need to accept that they will never give you anything support, encouragement, love or material assets. It will always be about what you give to them. Pull back and stop torturing yourself. If they die lonely eventually, those are the consequences of their lifelong actions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You aren’t getting anything OP. If they were going to give you a dime, they’d help you now.

He will die, she will get it all and 99.99% chance you never hear from her again, or maybe she will outright tell you that you’re no longer family. When she dies, money will go to a blood relative niece OR charitable donation in her name.

Meanwhile a real life step granny widow told people that at a party. No one told they weren't family just blabbing to deceased husband's living blood relative's spouse, parents, etc. $$$ to blood. Merry Christmas to you too w1tch.

[Anonymous]

I'd rather listen to their stupid stories than have them constantly complaining about my life. Better that they are focusing on their own life rather than rubbing in their wealth in a mean way to basically blame you for your problems.

[Anonymous]

Your kids are having issues with school? These are stepmother's only grandchildren? They could probably set up a trust to pay for private school for your kids and that would solve some of your problems. Remember you may never see an inheritance if your father passes first, especially if no trusts are set up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Write down your finances and what needs to be done on the house, how much it costs and straight out ask for a loan. Hopefully you wont have to pay it back but if you haven’t asked yet they can’t read your mind.

He doesn’t sound like a generous person but you’re his child, he should want to help out any way he can

He will probably tell her to go to a bank.