How to politely shut down super-privileged boomer parents' complaints?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do you spend time with these people? Are you hoping for an inheritance?

OP here: Partly, yes, and you can judge all you want, but we will likely end up with a life-changing amount of money from them in roughly two decades, one that would allow us to be generous with family/friends/community in ways they are not and we can't afford to be. Out of the three siblings, I'm the only one who has put meaningful effort into building a great relationship with my stepmother.

The non-monetary part is that spouse and I barely have family to speak of - spouse has some who went headfirst down the right wing conspiracy rabbit hole and some who are kind of loony and not involved; my siblings are deeply self-absorbed and our relationships are very one-sided; my mother passed away. My parents suck in many ways, but they like our kids, babysit for a couple hours once in a blue moon, and I'm hoping that as our kids get older my parents can be somewhat supportive bonus adults in their lives, particularly my stepmother, who can exhibit surprising moments of thoughtfulness and caring.

You are setting yourself up for disappointment. They don't see you and never will. If your stepmother has children expect the money to go there. Of not, expect it to go to charity.

Both your and your husband's families sound dysfunctional and you both are carrying that dysfunctional torch for your kids. You have the power to change this.

Never expect money from anyone. If you need more money, make more money. My family is wealthy and my dad keeps telling me everything is mine. I count on them living forever in a fantastic assisted living facility that drains all their money. It's their money, not mine until it's in my bank account.

Sage advice.

Agreed. Do not expect the money. My sibling invested a lot of time in a relationship with a wealthy relative. When they passed, it turned out that the money was not there and it became evident to everyone that the money was the reason my sibling invested so much time in the relationship. My sibling was so bitter and her memories of the relative are now very negative.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do you spend time with these people? Are you hoping for an inheritance?

x100000 BINGO. Better hope she has no kids, OP.

[Anonymous]

So your income is way more than the average American household and are complaining but because your parents have more than you they don’t have the right to complain.
Hypocrisy at its finest.

[Anonymous]

You sound as if you have no worries about how this potential windfall inheritance will divide you from your non-favored siblings. Because if you actually are planning to immediately turn around and divide your check into three portions, you've left out that really important detail (and character marker).

Be careful. It sounds like you've internalized more of your dad's approach to money and relationships than you think.

[Anonymous]

My parents are the same way. They do as they wish, but do not have any real interest in contributing to a 529k for grandkids. They go on grand vacations and do not want to spend any time with grandkids, except on the end of year holidays.

It is what it is. I do wish my parents were more involved with my kids, but they just enjoy their lifestyle more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd have a frank conversation with your father about setting up 529s for the kids. If he can seed them well, you might not need to contribute anything and their college will be paid for. For me, that's such a huge burden to be released.

Next, to end the discussions you have to drop the rope. Don't suggest fixes, don't compare their lives to yours, don't offer helpful tips or even any real commiseration. You just go "ah" or "huh" or "interesting" the whole time they talk about it. Then when they wait for a response, don't give one. Just let it be silent and then say "ok, well I have to go!" and hang up.

We've had 529's for the kids since they were born, have asked for contributions instead of whatever else for years, and they've never done it. Dropping the rope is a great idea, thanks. I'm not trying to antagonize them, nor am I trying to get them to change (been there, tried that on so many things, no luck), I just need to extricate myself from conversations that make me feel shitty and resentful.

This is the tell. It’s unlikely that you’ll inherit from these people. As others have said, if your dad dies first, it’s even more unlikely. Actions speak louder than words. People who aren’t sharing with you now are unlikely to pass their estate to you.

I feel bad for OP that she can’t see what is going to happen here. OP, you need to reset your expectations to be like those of the PP who assumed her wealthy parents money would all be eaten up by a luxury lifestyle and nursing care - you will be lucky to see anything.

Prioritize the relationship for your kids with zero expectation of the payoff at the end which you are clearly expecting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You sound as if you have no worries about how this potential windfall inheritance will divide you from your non-favored siblings. Because if you actually are planning to immediately turn around and divide your check into three portions, you've left out that really important detail (and character marker).

Be careful. It sounds like you've internalized more of your dad's approach to money and relationships than you think.

Great callout on this detail.
OP, you think you “deserve” or have “earned” this money in ways your siblings havent, dont you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do you spend time with these people? Are you hoping for an inheritance?

OP here: Partly, yes, and you can judge all you want, but we will likely end up with a life-changing amount of money from them in roughly two decades, one that would allow us to be generous with family/friends/community in ways they are not and we can't afford to be. Out of the three siblings, I'm the only one who has put meaningful effort into building a great relationship with my stepmother.

The non-monetary part is that spouse and I barely have family to speak of - spouse has some who went headfirst down the right wing conspiracy rabbit hole and some who are kind of loony and not involved; my siblings are deeply self-absorbed and our relationships are very one-sided; my mother passed away. My parents suck in many ways, but they like our kids, babysit for a couple hours once in a blue moon, and I'm hoping that as our kids get older my parents can be somewhat supportive bonus adults in their lives, particularly my stepmother, who can exhibit surprising moments of thoughtfulness and caring.

I’m going to explain to you how this will go…

She will outlive him in all likelihood. He will leave every dime to her. Once he dies, you won’t be “family” anymore. You won’t get a thing because everything will go to her actual family.

So don’t bother being nice thinking you’re going to get anything, and please don’t plan on getting a windfall one day. If either of them cared about getting any money, they’d offer it now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do you spend time with these people? Are you hoping for an inheritance?

OP here: Partly, yes, and you can judge all you want, but we will likely end up with a life-changing amount of money from them in roughly two decades, one that would allow us to be generous with family/friends/community in ways they are not and we can't afford to be. Out of the three siblings, I'm the only one who has put meaningful effort into building a great relationship with my stepmother.

The non-monetary part is that spouse and I barely have family to speak of - spouse has some who went headfirst down the right wing conspiracy rabbit hole and some who are kind of loony and not involved; my siblings are deeply self-absorbed and our relationships are very one-sided; my mother passed away. My parents suck in many ways, but they like our kids, babysit for a couple hours once in a blue moon, and I'm hoping that as our kids get older my parents can be somewhat supportive bonus adults in their lives, particularly my stepmother, who can exhibit surprising moments of thoughtfulness and caring.

Do tell us how how you nurture these one-sided relationships with your siblings

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do you spend time with these people? Are you hoping for an inheritance?

OP here: Partly, yes, and you can judge all you want, but we will likely end up with a life-changing amount of money from them in roughly two decades, one that would allow us to be generous with family/friends/community in ways they are not and we can't afford to be. Out of the three siblings, I'm the only one who has put meaningful effort into building a great relationship with my stepmother.

The non-monetary part is that spouse and I barely have family to speak of - spouse has some who went headfirst down the right wing conspiracy rabbit hole and some who are kind of loony and not involved; my siblings are deeply self-absorbed and our relationships are very one-sided; my mother passed away. My parents suck in many ways, but they like our kids, babysit for a couple hours once in a blue moon, and I'm hoping that as our kids get older my parents can be somewhat supportive bonus adults in their lives, particularly my stepmother, who can exhibit surprising moments of thoughtfulness and caring.

You are setting yourself up for disappointment. They don't see you and never will. If your stepmother has children expect the money to go there. Of not, expect it to go to charity.

Both your and your husband's families sound dysfunctional and you both are carrying that dysfunctional torch for your kids. You have the power to change this.

Never expect money from anyone. If you need more money, make more money. My family is wealthy and my dad keeps telling me everything is mine. I count on them living forever in a fantastic assisted living facility that drains all their money. It's their money, not mine until it's in my bank account.

I'm making *zero* financial assumptions in my life about an inheritance. I have been told by them, in very vague terms, that we will get quite a lot; I see this as a potential future bonus and not at all something to bet on. We do not need more money, though of course it would be nice - as I said, we are doing fine, and have built up our savings/investments thanks to decades of thoughtful spending habits. I don't want to burn this bridge not because I need or am banking on their money - I want my kids to have somewhat involved grandparents. Again, my kids like them and they like my kids; we live close enough now and my kids are old enough now that grandparenting is less effort and they and the kids enjoy spending time together.

This is all pie in the sky. Don’t be a chump.

[Anonymous]

Genuinely sorry that you have experienced the traumatic deaths of people close to you, but also genuinely don’t understand how your dad’s money would help make that loss better or easier to bear?

Also, since you mention job upheaval - are some of these feelings about your dad’d money triggered by feeling he was immensely successful (including financially) at his job, and/or your spouse haven’t experienced the same job security and success?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do you spend time with these people? Are you hoping for an inheritance?

OP here: Partly, yes, and you can judge all you want, but we will likely end up with a life-changing amount of money from them in roughly two decades, one that would allow us to be generous with family/friends/community in ways they are not and we can't afford to be. Out of the three siblings, I'm the only one who has put meaningful effort into building a great relationship with my stepmother.

Your siblings sound a lot smarter than you. They got your parents number and decided not to waste time on them. And this “great relationship” is one-sided.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do you spend time with these people? Are you hoping for an inheritance?

OP here: Partly, yes, and you can judge all you want, but we will likely end up with a life-changing amount of money from them in roughly two decades, one that would allow us to be generous with family/friends/community in ways they are not and we can't afford to be. Out of the three siblings, I'm the only one who has put meaningful effort into building a great relationship with my stepmother.

The non-monetary part is that spouse and I barely have family to speak of - spouse has some who went headfirst down the right wing conspiracy rabbit hole and some who are kind of loony and not involved; my siblings are deeply self-absorbed and our relationships are very one-sided; my mother passed away. My parents suck in many ways, but they like our kids, babysit for a couple hours once in a blue moon, and I'm hoping that as our kids get older my parents can be somewhat supportive bonus adults in their lives, particularly my stepmother, who can exhibit surprising moments of thoughtfulness and caring.

You are setting yourself up for disappointment. They don't see you and never will. If your stepmother has children expect the money to go there. Of not, expect it to go to charity.

Both your and your husband's families sound dysfunctional and you both are carrying that dysfunctional torch for your kids. You have the power to change this.

Never expect money from anyone. If you need more money, make more money. My family is wealthy and my dad keeps telling me everything is mine. I count on them living forever in a fantastic assisted living facility that drains all their money. It's their money, not mine until it's in my bank account.

I'm making *zero* financial assumptions in my life about an inheritance. I have been told by them, in very vague terms, that we will get quite a lot; I see this as a potential future bonus and not at all something to bet on. We do not need more money, though of course it would be nice - as I said, we are doing fine, and have built up our savings/investments thanks to decades of thoughtful spending habits. I don't want to burn this bridge not because I need or am banking on their money - I want my kids to have somewhat involved grandparents. Again, my kids like them and they like my kids; we live close enough now and my kids are old enough now that grandparenting is less effort and they and the kids enjoy spending time together.

This is all pie in the sky. Don’t be a chump.

She doesn’t genuinely believe that Dad is about to become some great, meaningful grandparent, especially after describing him as a bad parent. It’s about the money. Ugh OP, your family is an example of how being born into wealth but not earning your own wealth has pitfalls.

Unrelated but as an adult child of divorce - it’s true, you and your stepmom will no longer be “family” should your dad pass first.

[Anonymous]

I get it. You want the kazillions because then you can tell yourself: I didn’t have a completely crap dad in the end. Been there with that wishful thinking. Alas, that’s not how it works.

[Anonymous]

Write down your finances and what needs to be done on the house, how much it costs and straight out ask for a loan. Hopefully you wont have to pay it back but if you haven’t asked yet they can’t read your mind.

He doesn’t sound like a generous person but you’re his child, he should want to help out any way he can