How to politely shut down super-privileged boomer parents' complaints?

[Anonymous]

You have nothing in common with them. You live in two different worlds and they have neither the desire to be generous nor the tact to have these types of conversations with people of their wealth strata. Distance yourself for your own mental health.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do you spend time with these people? Are you hoping for an inheritance?

OP here: Partly, yes, and you can judge all you want, but we will likely end up with a life-changing amount of money from them in roughly two decades, one that would allow us to be generous with family/friends/community in ways they are not and we can't afford to be. Out of the three siblings, I'm the only one who has put meaningful effort into building a great relationship with my stepmother.

The non-monetary part is that spouse and I barely have family to speak of - spouse has some who went headfirst down the right wing conspiracy rabbit hole and some who are kind of loony and not involved; my siblings are deeply self-absorbed and our relationships are very one-sided; my mother passed away. My parents suck in many ways, but they like our kids, babysit for a couple hours once in a blue moon, and I'm hoping that as our kids get older my parents can be somewhat supportive bonus adults in their lives, particularly my stepmother, who can exhibit surprising moments of thoughtfulness and caring.

You are setting yourself up for disappointment. They don't see you and never will. If your stepmother has children expect the money to go there. Of not, expect it to go to charity.

Both your and your husband's families sound dysfunctional and you both are carrying that dysfunctional torch for your kids. You have the power to change this.

Never expect money from anyone. If you need more money, make more money. My family is wealthy and my dad keeps telling me everything is mine. I count on them living forever in a fantastic assisted living facility that drains all their money. It's their money, not mine until it's in my bank account.

Sage advice.

My great-grandfather left everything to his second wife, with the privisi in his will that he knew she would do right by his son (different, deceased mother). She raised him; they had no other children; she was a grandmother to my mother. She left everything to charity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your step mom will likely outlive your dad and you will get nothing anyway. If you don't like them, stop seeing them. Otherwise acknowledge that you're selling your soul in the hopes of a pay off. It has nothing to do with "Boomers" a lot of them don't have a pot to pee in.

Wise words, take heed.

[Anonymous]

I would just listen and say "That sounds tough, I'm sorry you're dealing with that." I think you need to accept that if your dad never helped you out during your life (including your childhood), then he's not going to account for you in his will. It's likely all going to your stepmom.

How often do you see them? Do they live nearby? Do they reach out to you or is it all one-sided? I'm just curious.

[Anonymous]

I would give them a very intense speech on how tone-deaf and self-centered they've been for the past decades, and how you have no respect for them and need to distance yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you sure you'll even end up with an inheritance? I find it weird they'd leave you a ton of money but not help when they know you're struggling.

+1 Why would they leave you and your children anything if they have given you nothing so far? Zebras don't change their stripes.

OP does not see it but they are stringing her along.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I would give them a very intense speech on how tone-deaf and self-centered they've been for the past decades, and how you have no respect for them and need to distance yourself.

That might feel good in the moment but it's not going to help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do you spend time with these people? Are you hoping for an inheritance?

OP here: Partly, yes, and you can judge all you want, but we will likely end up with a life-changing amount of money from them in roughly two decades, one that would allow us to be generous with family/friends/community in ways they are not and we can't afford to be. Out of the three siblings, I'm the only one who has put meaningful effort into building a great relationship with my stepmother.

The non-monetary part is that spouse and I barely have family to speak of - spouse has some who went headfirst down the right wing conspiracy rabbit hole and some who are kind of loony and not involved; my siblings are deeply self-absorbed and our relationships are very one-sided; my mother passed away. My parents suck in many ways, but they like our kids, babysit for a couple hours once in a blue moon, and I'm hoping that as our kids get older my parents can be somewhat supportive bonus adults in their lives, particularly my stepmother, who can exhibit surprising moments of thoughtfulness and caring.

You are setting yourself up for disappointment. They don't see you and never will. If your stepmother has children expect the money to go there. Of not, expect it to go to charity.

Both your and your husband's families sound dysfunctional and you both are carrying that dysfunctional torch for your kids. You have the power to change this.

Never expect money from anyone. If you need more money, make more money. My family is wealthy and my dad keeps telling me everything is mine. I count on them living forever in a fantastic assisted living facility that drains all their money. It's their money, not mine until it's in my bank account.

I'm making *zero* financial assumptions in my life about an inheritance. I have been told by them, in very vague terms, that we will get quite a lot; I see this as a potential future bonus and not at all something to bet on. We do not need more money, though of course it would be nice - as I said, we are doing fine, and have built up our savings/investments thanks to decades of thoughtful spending habits. I don't want to burn this bridge not because I need or am banking on their money - I want my kids to have somewhat involved grandparents. Again, my kids like them and they like my kids; we live close enough now and my kids are old enough now that grandparenting is less effort and they and the kids enjoy spending time together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your step mom will likely outlive your dad and you will get nothing anyway. If you don't like them, stop seeing them. Otherwise acknowledge that you're selling your soul in the hopes of a pay off. It has nothing to do with "Boomers" a lot of them don't have a pot to pee in.

This. I bet she's younger right? Does she have her own kids? You aren't gonna see a dime if your Dad goes first.

+1. In old age, people become paranoid about having enough money for themselves and their favored children.

No kids of her own - we have a good relationship and I am the favored child, by far.

You need to understand how this will likely turn out. Your dad will die first. Your step mom will remarry. And she'll remarry to someone who is a grifter with grifter children. You will not inherit anything. So stop biting your tongue thinking you're setting yourself up for a nice inheritance in two decades. It is unlikely to happen. So do what a PP suggests and be brave now and ask directly about 529s for your kids. At least, if you get the money tied up in those, that will be a sure thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do you spend time with these people? Are you hoping for an inheritance?

OP here: Partly, yes, and you can judge all you want, but we will likely end up with a life-changing amount of money from them in roughly two decades, one that would allow us to be generous with family/friends/community in ways they are not and we can't afford to be. Out of the three siblings, I'm the only one who has put meaningful effort into building a great relationship with my stepmother.

The non-monetary part is that spouse and I barely have family to speak of - spouse has some who went headfirst down the right wing conspiracy rabbit hole and some who are kind of loony and not involved; my siblings are deeply self-absorbed and our relationships are very one-sided; my mother passed away. My parents suck in many ways, but they like our kids, babysit for a couple hours once in a blue moon, and I'm hoping that as our kids get older my parents can be somewhat supportive bonus adults in their lives, particularly my stepmother, who can exhibit surprising moments of thoughtfulness and caring.

You are setting yourself up for disappointment. They don't see you and never will. If your stepmother has children expect the money to go there. Of not, expect it to go to charity.

Both your and your husband's families sound dysfunctional and you both are carrying that dysfunctional torch for your kids. You have the power to change this.

Never expect money from anyone. If you need more money, make more money. My family is wealthy and my dad keeps telling me everything is mine. I count on them living forever in a fantastic assisted living facility that drains all their money. It's their money, not mine until it's in my bank account.

I'm making *zero* financial assumptions in my life about an inheritance. I have been told by them, in very vague terms, that we will get quite a lot; I see this as a potential future bonus and not at all something to bet on. We do not need more money, though of course it would be nice - as I said, we are doing fine, and have built up our savings/investments thanks to decades of thoughtful spending habits. I don't want to burn this bridge not because I need or am banking on their money - I want my kids to have somewhat involved grandparents. Again, my kids like them and they like my kids; we live close enough now and my kids are old enough now that grandparenting is less effort and they and the kids enjoy spending time together.

They are stringing you along. They are not generous now and will become even more frugal and irrational about money as they age.

I think you are lying to yourself when you say you are making zero assumptions about an inheritance. You believe them and that's a major pillar for your relationship. I think you'll feel extremely angry at the end when this plays out as most of us predict it will.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your step mom will likely outlive your dad and you will get nothing anyway. If you don't like them, stop seeing them. Otherwise acknowledge that you're selling your soul in the hopes of a pay off. It has nothing to do with "Boomers" a lot of them don't have a pot to pee in.

This. I bet she's younger right? Does she have her own kids? You aren't gonna see a dime if your Dad goes first.

+1. In old age, people become paranoid about having enough money for themselves and their favored children.

No kids of her own - we have a good relationship and I am the favored child, by far.

You need to understand how this will likely turn out. Your dad will die first. Your step mom will remarry. And she'll remarry to someone who is a grifter with grifter children. You will not inherit anything. So stop biting your tongue thinking you're setting yourself up for a nice inheritance in two decades. It is unlikely to happen. So do what a PP suggests and be brave now and ask directly about 529s for your kids. At least, if you get the money tied up in those, that will be a sure thing.

She has asked over the years and has gotten nothing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do you spend time with these people? Are you hoping for an inheritance?

OP here: Partly, yes, and you can judge all you want, but we will likely end up with a life-changing amount of money from them in roughly two decades, one that would allow us to be generous with family/friends/community in ways they are not and we can't afford to be. Out of the three siblings, I'm the only one who has put meaningful effort into building a great relationship with my stepmother.

The non-monetary part is that spouse and I barely have family to speak of - spouse has some who went headfirst down the right wing conspiracy rabbit hole and some who are kind of loony and not involved; my siblings are deeply self-absorbed and our relationships are very one-sided; my mother passed away. My parents suck in many ways, but they like our kids, babysit for a couple hours once in a blue moon, and I'm hoping that as our kids get older my parents can be somewhat supportive bonus adults in their lives, particularly my stepmother, who can exhibit surprising moments of thoughtfulness and caring.

You are setting yourself up for disappointment. They don't see you and never will. If your stepmother has children expect the money to go there. Of not, expect it to go to charity.

Both your and your husband's families sound dysfunctional and you both are carrying that dysfunctional torch for your kids. You have the power to change this.

Never expect money from anyone. If you need more money, make more money. My family is wealthy and my dad keeps telling me everything is mine. I count on them living forever in a fantastic assisted living facility that drains all their money. It's their money, not mine until it's in my bank account.

I'm making *zero* financial assumptions in my life about an inheritance. I have been told by them, in very vague terms, that we will get quite a lot; I see this as a potential future bonus and not at all something to bet on. We do not need more money, though of course it would be nice - as I said, we are doing fine, and have built up our savings/investments thanks to decades of thoughtful spending habits. I don't want to burn this bridge not because I need or am banking on their money - I want my kids to have somewhat involved grandparents. Again, my kids like them and they like my kids; we live close enough now and my kids are old enough now that grandparenting is less effort and they and the kids enjoy spending time together.

But this is all about the money to you. You want them to see you struggle and hope they open the purse strings. If not now then maybe eventually. You're holding back because you don't want to preemptively bite the hand that will hopefully feed you. But for the money you would probably have cut them off.

[Anonymous]

I would not do as others suggested and cut them off if your kids have a relationship with them. Many people have parents who have disappointed them in various ways and we make the best of whatever relationship we have as adults, with the appropriate boundaries, of course. I suggest discussing this with a therapist, if you haven't, to see what might come up for you.

I think the money isn't the biggest issue here, it's just the most obvious way that your father neglected you as a child. I'm sure there's more there to explore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do you spend time with these people? Are you hoping for an inheritance?

OP here: Partly, yes, and you can judge all you want, but we will likely end up with a life-changing amount of money from them in roughly two decades, one that would allow us to be generous with family/friends/community in ways they are not and we can't afford to be. Out of the three siblings, I'm the only one who has put meaningful effort into building a great relationship with my stepmother.

The non-monetary part is that spouse and I barely have family to speak of - spouse has some who went headfirst down the right wing conspiracy rabbit hole and some who are kind of loony and not involved; my siblings are deeply self-absorbed and our relationships are very one-sided; my mother passed away. My parents suck in many ways, but they like our kids, babysit for a couple hours once in a blue moon, and I'm hoping that as our kids get older my parents can be somewhat supportive bonus adults in their lives, particularly my stepmother, who can exhibit surprising moments of thoughtfulness and caring.

You are setting yourself up for disappointment. They don't see you and never will. If your stepmother has children expect the money to go there. Of not, expect it to go to charity.

Both your and your husband's families sound dysfunctional and you both are carrying that dysfunctional torch for your kids. You have the power to change this.

Never expect money from anyone. If you need more money, make more money. My family is wealthy and my dad keeps telling me everything is mine. I count on them living forever in a fantastic assisted living facility that drains all their money. It's their money, not mine until it's in my bank account.

I'm making *zero* financial assumptions in my life about an inheritance. I have been told by them, in very vague terms, that we will get quite a lot; I see this as a potential future bonus and not at all something to bet on. We do not need more money, though of course it would be nice - as I said, we are doing fine, and have built up our savings/investments thanks to decades of thoughtful spending habits. I don't want to burn this bridge not because I need or am banking on their money - I want my kids to have somewhat involved grandparents. Again, my kids like them and they like my kids; we live close enough now and my kids are old enough now that grandparenting is less effort and they and the kids enjoy spending time together.

They are stringing you along. They are not generous now and will become even more frugal and irrational about money as they age.

I think you are lying to yourself when you say you are making zero assumptions about an inheritance. You believe them and that's a major pillar for your relationship. I think you'll feel extremely angry at the end when this plays out as most of us predict it will.

Agree. OP refers to herself as the favored child "by far". So even if it does work out for you inheritance-wise I think you're thinking your siblings would be cut out. That will create a hellish situation in itself. And, if your siblings end up in a better position than OP to provide care and support when Dad and stepmom are old, that sibling will end up with the inheritance. I really don't believe that OP isn't counting on the inheritance and the sooner she acknowledges it the better off she'll be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd have a frank conversation with your father about setting up 529s for the kids. If he can seed them well, you might not need to contribute anything and their college will be paid for. For me, that's such a huge burden to be released.

Next, to end the discussions you have to drop the rope. Don't suggest fixes, don't compare their lives to yours, don't offer helpful tips or even any real commiseration. You just go "ah" or "huh" or "interesting" the whole time they talk about it. Then when they wait for a response, don't give one. Just let it be silent and then say "ok, well I have to go!" and hang up.

We've had 529's for the kids since they were born, have asked for contributions instead of whatever else for years, and they've never done it. Dropping the rope is a great idea, thanks. I'm not trying to antagonize them, nor am I trying to get them to change (been there, tried that on so many things, no luck), I just need to extricate myself from conversations that make me feel shitty and resentful.

This is the tell. It’s unlikely that you’ll inherit from these people. As others have said, if your dad dies first, it’s even more unlikely. Actions speak louder than words. People who aren’t sharing with you now are unlikely to pass their estate to you.