How to politely shut down super-privileged boomer parents' complaints?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your step mom will likely outlive your dad and you will get nothing anyway. If you don't like them, stop seeing them. Otherwise acknowledge that you're selling your soul in the hopes of a pay off. It has nothing to do with "Boomers" a lot of them don't have a pot to pee in.

This. I bet she's younger right? Does she have her own kids? You aren't gonna see a dime if your Dad goes first.

Somewhat younger, no kids, has told me multiple times after a few too many drinks that I am like the child she never had. Again, we have an overall good relationship, I don't think she's a bad person, and we get along well.

She may have plans for the money if he goes first that have nothing to do with you. Taking care of her relatives, charity, endowments, etc. You're counting your chickens. There is very much a "woe is me" attitude coming from you, not unlike your dad's, the only difference is you have a smaller bank account. But, you seem pretty privileged yourself.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn’t really count on any inheritance. It doesn’t sound like they will think of you and your kids when they draw up their will. And when they die, and they don’t leave you anything, you are going to be upset with everything you’ve put up with all over again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your step mom will likely outlive your dad and you will get nothing anyway. If you don't like them, stop seeing them. Otherwise acknowledge that you're selling your soul in the hopes of a pay off. It has nothing to do with "Boomers" a lot of them don't have a pot to pee in.

This. I bet she's younger right? Does she have her own kids? You aren't gonna see a dime if your Dad goes first.

Somewhat younger, no kids, has told me multiple times after a few too many drinks that I am like the child she never had. Again, we have an overall good relationship, I don't think she's a bad person, and we get along well.

I've heard that before, lol.

[Anonymous]

I'd have a frank conversation with your father about setting up 529s for the kids. If he can seed them well, you might not need to contribute anything and their college will be paid for. For me, that's such a huge burden to be released.

Next, to end the discussions you have to drop the rope. Don't suggest fixes, don't compare their lives to yours, don't offer helpful tips or even any real commiseration. You just go "ah" or "huh" or "interesting" the whole time they talk about it. Then when they wait for a response, don't give one. Just let it be silent and then say "ok, well I have to go!" and hang up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your step mom will likely outlive your dad and you will get nothing anyway. If you don't like them, stop seeing them. Otherwise acknowledge that you're selling your soul in the hopes of a pay off. It has nothing to do with "Boomers" a lot of them don't have a pot to pee in.

This. I bet she's younger right? Does she have her own kids? You aren't gonna see a dime if your Dad goes first.

+1. In old age, people become paranoid about having enough money for themselves and their favored children.

No kids of her own - we have a good relationship and I am the favored child, by far.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you sure you'll even end up with an inheritance? I find it weird they'd leave you a ton of money but not help when they know you're struggling.

+1 Why would they leave you and your children anything if they have given you nothing so far? Zebras don't change their stripes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd have a frank conversation with your father about setting up 529s for the kids. If he can seed them well, you might not need to contribute anything and their college will be paid for. For me, that's such a huge burden to be released.

Next, to end the discussions you have to drop the rope. Don't suggest fixes, don't compare their lives to yours, don't offer helpful tips or even any real commiseration. You just go "ah" or "huh" or "interesting" the whole time they talk about it. Then when they wait for a response, don't give one. Just let it be silent and then say "ok, well I have to go!" and hang up.

We've had 529's for the kids since they were born, have asked for contributions instead of whatever else for years, and they've never done it. Dropping the rope is a great idea, thanks. I'm not trying to antagonize them, nor am I trying to get them to change (been there, tried that on so many things, no luck), I just need to extricate myself from conversations that make me feel shitty and resentful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your step mom will likely outlive your dad and you will get nothing anyway. If you don't like them, stop seeing them. Otherwise acknowledge that you're selling your soul in the hopes of a pay off. It has nothing to do with "Boomers" a lot of them don't have a pot to pee in.

This. I bet she's younger right? Does she have her own kids? You aren't gonna see a dime if your Dad goes first.

+1. In old age, people become paranoid about having enough money for themselves and their favored children.

No kids of her own - we have a good relationship and I am the favored child, by far.

You said she was a shopaholic social climber. How do you fit into her plans for living her best life?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you sure you'll even end up with an inheritance? I find it weird they'd leave you a ton of money but not help when they know you're struggling.

+1 Why would they leave you and your children anything if they have given you nothing so far? Zebras don't change their stripes.

Agree. Dear old Dad has been disappointing OP her entire life. She thinks he's going to make up for it at the very end? Doubtful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do you spend time with these people? Are you hoping for an inheritance?

OP here: Partly, yes, and you can judge all you want, but we will likely end up with a life-changing amount of money from them in roughly two decades, one that would allow us to be generous with family/friends/community in ways they are not and we can't afford to be. Out of the three siblings, I'm the only one who has put meaningful effort into building a great relationship with my stepmother.

The non-monetary part is that spouse and I barely have family to speak of - spouse has some who went headfirst down the right wing conspiracy rabbit hole and some who are kind of loony and not involved; my siblings are deeply self-absorbed and our relationships are very one-sided; my mother passed away. My parents suck in many ways, but they like our kids, babysit for a couple hours once in a blue moon, and I'm hoping that as our kids get older my parents can be somewhat supportive bonus adults in their lives, particularly my stepmother, who can exhibit surprising moments of thoughtfulness and caring.

You are setting yourself up for disappointment. They don't see you and never will. If your stepmother has children expect the money to go there. Of not, expect it to go to charity.

Both your and your husband's families sound dysfunctional and you both are carrying that dysfunctional torch for your kids. You have the power to change this.

Never expect money from anyone. If you need more money, make more money. My family is wealthy and my dad keeps telling me everything is mine. I count on them living forever in a fantastic assisted living facility that drains all their money. It's their money, not mine until it's in my bank account.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd have a frank conversation with your father about setting up 529s for the kids. If he can seed them well, you might not need to contribute anything and their college will be paid for. For me, that's such a huge burden to be released.

Next, to end the discussions you have to drop the rope. Don't suggest fixes, don't compare their lives to yours, don't offer helpful tips or even any real commiseration. You just go "ah" or "huh" or "interesting" the whole time they talk about it. Then when they wait for a response, don't give one. Just let it be silent and then say "ok, well I have to go!" and hang up.

We've had 529's for the kids since they were born, have asked for contributions instead of whatever else for years, and they've never done it. Dropping the rope is a great idea, thanks. I'm not trying to antagonize them, nor am I trying to get them to change (been there, tried that on so many things, no luck), I just need to extricate myself from conversations that make me feel shitty and resentful.

What have they done? I think you can expect more of the same while your father is healthy and alive but after that, it will be up to your stepmom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do you spend time with these people? Are you hoping for an inheritance?

OP here: Partly, yes, and you can judge all you want, but we will likely end up with a life-changing amount of money from them in roughly two decades, one that would allow us to be generous with family/friends/community in ways they are not and we can't afford to be. Out of the three siblings, I'm the only one who has put meaningful effort into building a great relationship with my stepmother.

The non-monetary part is that spouse and I barely have family to speak of - spouse has some who went headfirst down the right wing conspiracy rabbit hole and some who are kind of loony and not involved; my siblings are deeply self-absorbed and our relationships are very one-sided; my mother passed away. My parents suck in many ways, but they like our kids, babysit for a couple hours once in a blue moon, and I'm hoping that as our kids get older my parents can be somewhat supportive bonus adults in their lives, particularly my stepmother, who can exhibit surprising moments of thoughtfulness and caring.

You are setting yourself up for disappointment. They don't see you and never will. If your stepmother has children expect the money to go there. Of not, expect it to go to charity.

Both your and your husband's families sound dysfunctional and you both are carrying that dysfunctional torch for your kids. You have the power to change this.

Never expect money from anyone. If you need more money, make more money. My family is wealthy and my dad keeps telling me everything is mine. I count on them living forever in a fantastic assisted living facility that drains all their money. It's their money, not mine until it's in my bank account.

Sage advice.

[Anonymous]

Sooooo you’re holding on bc you might get a windfall. But then you’re complaining about the person you might get rich off of. Fascinating.

[Anonymous]

Are you anything like your mother, OP? Now I know why he divorced her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your step mom will likely outlive your dad and you will get nothing anyway. If you don't like them, stop seeing them. Otherwise acknowledge that you're selling your soul in the hopes of a pay off. It has nothing to do with "Boomers" a lot of them don't have a pot to pee in.

This. I bet she's younger right? Does she have her own kids? You aren't gonna see a dime if your Dad goes first.

Somewhat younger, no kids, has told me multiple times after a few too many drinks that I am like the child she never had. Again, we have an overall good relationship, I don't think she's a bad person, and we get along well.

Please do not assume she will.be fair to you when money is involved. It's happened so many times to friends and in my own family. Relationships change on a dime when inheritances are involved. People you thought loved you turn on you. It's ugly. You should inquire of your father what is in his will and/or trust, if you are provided for, knowing that that can be changed. In all likelihood, if he hasn't arranged for you and your siblings to inherit specific amounts when he dies, she gets everything. And if she has kids, it will go to them even if you don't think so now.