How to politely shut down super-privileged boomer parents' complaints?

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04/02/2024 14:06

Subject: How to politely shut down super-privileged boomer parents' complaints?

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Anonymous

For a bit of background: I grew up in the DC area, parents divorced in the messiest and most conflict-ridden way when I was in elementary/middle school, and my very, very financially successful father seemingly begrudged every non-essential dollar he spent on my siblings and I (think barely having any food in the house when we would visit because he only ate out; kids made fun of my clothes in high school because they were all thrifted or things I made myself since my father thought spending on clothing was shallow). He remarried when siblings and I were late teens/early twenties to a shopaholic social climber. That said, stepmother has many redeeming qualities as well, my father is a much better person for being with her, and I have worked hard over a few decades to focus on their positive attributes, approach their shortcomings with grace, and build a solid, positive relationship.

Fast forward: my household has had a few incredibly difficult bad luck years - major health issues, traumatic deaths of people very close to us, job upheaval, school issues for our kids, unexpected large home problems - all of which we've been muddling through with the emotional, mental, and financial resources we can muster. These resources aren't nothing - we are privileged to not be financially struggling - but they are nowhere near enough to begin to fix even those problems that could be addressed with money (our household income is moderate by DC area standards - under $200k).

Meanwhile, my father retired with untold kazillions and he and my stepmother have spent years and years living a money-no-object lifestyle - great, it's their money, that's their prerogative. I try really hard to not be hurt when they spend extravagantly on their vacations, restaurant meals, clothes, what have you and display zero generosity toward our family, including our kids/their only grandkids. Yes, it would be nice if they were thoughtful, but they're not, and our kids will be fine and loved whether or not their grandparents give them a birthday gift or card... or even call.

However, I just can. not. deal. with their incessant complaining about how hard their life is. They bought a multimillion dollar house a few years ago that's wildly absurd for their lifestyle, decided to embark on a multi-million renovation, and ran into a ton of logistical issues that delayed the whole thing, caused costs to spiral, and so on. Sure, that sucks a lot, but they've been living in their current multi-million dollar house while this has transpired, so it's not an issue in their living space, and they have WAY more than enough money to deal with this (I happened to see a receipt lying out one time I visited; they spent more on faucets/plumbing fixtures than a year's tuition at many DC private schools). We live fifteen minutes from them, and I am struggling to not lose it when subjected to another half hour sob story about how their custom cabinet maker mismeasured and so the cabinets will have to be rebuilt, or the range for the second kitchen (!) is broken and needs to be repaired, or they're delaying their five-week European vacation a month because they had to reschedule wallpaper hanging, all while we are dealing with much bigger issues that affect every aspect of our daily lives. They have zero perspective on how incredibly privileged their problems are, and zero sympathy for ours. A common refrain is 'well, you'll just have to spend the money to deal with it,' with no acknowledgement either that money can't solve every problem or that not everyone has enough money to solve every problem.

I'm not mad that they aren't sharing their wealth, though I wouldn't complain if they did, I'm just sick of listening to them recount a litany of 'hardships' that most people would dream to have. They constantly minimize our actual struggles (if and when we even discuss them) and one-up us with their ridiculous, textbook first-world problems. I can't be the only one dealing with, well, bratty and entitled boomer parents. Anyone else figured out a way to shut these types of conversation down before I blow a gasket and say what I really think?