Do I need to lower my expectations ( dating)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have reasonable expectations. I would expand your age range to the very edge of what you’re comfortable with. My DH and I were both online for years but didn’t meet because I was 6 months older and two miles further away than his limits.

I’d also look at guys who live with roommates. Smart guys do it to save money.

I’d ask a close female friend for constructive feedback about how you present. You can’t do anything about being 5’2”, and your ideal guy will love that about you. You might have blind spots in how your appearance or social skills that you can change.

OP here. Slightly I don’t want to go past like 38. I feel like more than a decade difference means we will likely have very little in common.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The vast majority of men aren't as picky about looks as some people here seem to think. Based on your description, I wouldn't have dated you when I was single - not because of your looks, but because you seem money obsessed.

+1 as a man. The outside isn't the problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. What should I roll back my expectations on? I don’t want to be dating for verbal more years because I’m too picky. What I’m doing is obviously not working. I came on here for realistic feedback.

Here’s some advice, you should be okay with finding a guy making 100-150k especially if he’s younger than 35. Yeah you might need to work more than you’d like but your 180k + his income should be fine to live a good life. You might have a few tight years if you take time off for kids but that’s your own decision. Find a guy with potential and he might make half a mil by his 40’s. Stop trying to find a dude making that much at such a young age because it’s not realistic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would expand your age range and I would t be not seeing people because of things like roommates. You need to find a good compatible partner for you, someone you can grow with. Not living off credit cards, making a solid income with decent career prospects is a good place to start but you should expect someone to have it all the way together, someone of that you can do together if they have a good foundation.

Also, the level of income you are looking for if you want to live in an area like this and stay at home or be part time AND have your kids go to private school is REALLY high. I would very much lower your bars there. It takes a realllly high income to pay for private school for multiple kids. And this area has many great public schools. I would check your assumptions and try to focus more on compatibility, THEN do those mental checks about finances being sound etc (not living on credit cards etc). If you’re starting with the check boxes you’re probably missing the comparability and connection piece limiting your dates from going further

OP here. What’s age range? What income requirements should I have, if one at all.

The other things I’m looking for in a partner: Wants and values marriage, values monogamy and has never cheated, wants kids, stable career, emotionally intelligent, good communicator, financially responsible, kind, honest, respectful, supportive, and politically aligned.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Smells like a troll, but OK

Do you have the face or body to earn that sugar daddy?
Are you Instagram fitness model caliber or nah?

OP here. I’m not a troll. I’m just a woman who has my stuff together and wants a man with the same.

I’m not super hot but I’m cute. Definitely girl next door type cute. I have a nice body and take care of myself. I eat well, workout 5-6 days a week, and I take care of my skin.

Im 5’2”, 118lbs, and nice curves. Dark blonde/light brown hair, dark blue eyes, and fair-skinned.

You are not tall and thin enough... gonna need to calibrate on the self-evaluated "cute" -- what famous person/actress do you look like?

You may be more realistically headed toward public schools and continuing to work... which is PERFECTLY fine, so don't bash it.

OP here. 118lbs is thin. I have breasts and curves. I’m not a stick.

I’m not tall but that has never been an issue. Lots of men I’ve dated and have spoken to love shorter women.

Oh, and I don’t date men over 6ft. I can’t do that a large level of height difference. Weird..I know.

You are not thin.

Good news is, you're not overweight, either. I'm sure you have an attractive figure but you are not thin.

Here's the problem, not just you either, nobody seems to know what thin is anymore - society is so "plump" these days and almost everyone is out of "calibration".

At 5'2'', you need to down at 105 to be able to call yourself thin.

And 5'2'' is short. Not as big of a deal for a woman as it is for a man, but if you are trying to land a bigger fish, as they say, "tall and thin, for the win!"

BMI for 5’2 female is 106-130. 105 is underweight for her height. OP is fine at 118.

105 is not underweight, it's thin. OP is absolutely fine at 118, but she's not "thin". That's my point. 106, 107 and 108 would all also still be thin. 118 is not thin. People should stop kidding themselves and just be honest.

She's a shorty and that is what it is but it also doesn't help her stand out and differentiate her.

Getting back to the task at hand - I would look into interest groups or clubs associated with gardening, running/fitness, travel or the like. Church or religion groups would be another possibility if that's part of your background/upbringing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP. My DH makes less than me, always has. We met in college. My age group is hitting the divorce zone. There are no guarantees. Go for someone with the right personality who will be a good dad if you want kids. It's sexist to insist that your partner make equal or more money. What you want is someone who shares your values and will be a good partner. Many high-powered men have wives who are public school teachers. Would you flip that script? Why/why not?

OP here. Shared values and personality traits are equally important. I was putting out the baseline of expectations that a guy would need to hit in order to go on a date or get a second date.

OP, how are you going to determine all this on a first date? Asking about income, savings, etc. is going to come off as very gauche and will likely ensure that no man asks YOU on a second date.

OP here. That’s my issue. I don’t get many second dates and I think it’s because I focus on the baseline expectations. Only if it gets to the second date do I get more personal.

You must realize that you’re coming off as absolutely mercenary to these men, don’t you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP. My DH makes less than me, always has. We met in college. My age group is hitting the divorce zone. There are no guarantees. Go for someone with the right personality who will be a good dad if you want kids. It's sexist to insist that your partner make equal or more money. What you want is someone who shares your values and will be a good partner. Many high-powered men have wives who are public school teachers. Would you flip that script? Why/why not?

OP here. Shared values and personality traits are equally important. I was putting out the baseline of expectations that a guy would need to hit in order to go on a date or get a second date.

OP, how are you going to determine all this on a first date? Asking about income, savings, etc. is going to come off as very gauche and will likely ensure that no man asks YOU on a second date.

OP here. That’s my issue. I don’t get many second dates and I think it’s because I focus on the baseline expectations. Only if it gets to the second date do I get more personal.

Oh yeah I'd love to sit down for a date and be met with the equivalent of my boss at work talking about my 5 year plan. jesus christ.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would expand your age range and I would t be not seeing people because of things like roommates. You need to find a good compatible partner for you, someone you can grow with. Not living off credit cards, making a solid income with decent career prospects is a good place to start but you should expect someone to have it all the way together, someone of that you can do together if they have a good foundation.

Also, the level of income you are looking for if you want to live in an area like this and stay at home or be part time AND have your kids go to private school is REALLY high. I would very much lower your bars there. It takes a realllly high income to pay for private school for multiple kids. And this area has many great public schools. I would check your assumptions and try to focus more on compatibility, THEN do those mental checks about finances being sound etc (not living on credit cards etc). If you’re starting with the check boxes you’re probably missing the comparability and connection piece limiting your dates from going further

OP here. What’s age range? What income requirements should I have, if one at all.

The other things I’m looking for in a partner: Wants and values marriage, values monogamy and has never cheated, wants kids, stable career, emotionally intelligent, good communicator, financially responsible, kind, honest, respectful, supportive, and politically aligned.

100k+ is reasonable in DC for 30+ professionals. You can live well being dual income but you’ll need to work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. What should I roll back my expectations on? I don’t want to be dating for verbal more years because I’m too picky. What I’m doing is obviously not working. I came on here for realistic feedback.

Here’s some advice, you should be okay with finding a guy making 100-150k especially if he’s younger than 35. Yeah you might need to work more than you’d like but your 180k + his income should be fine to live a good life. You might have a few tight years if you take time off for kids but that’s your own decision. Find a guy with potential and he might make half a mil by his 40’s. Stop trying to find a dude making that much at such a young age because it’s not realistic.

OP here. I can do that. My lowest base range is 80k.

I’m not money obsessed but I’ve struggled. I know what it’s like to grow up poor and lower middle class. I didn’t go to a great public school, my parents didn’t have money for extracurricular activities or to fund school sports. I paid for school and my home on my own. I lived on a very strict budget for my early twenties. I just want better for my future kids. I want to provide them with opportunities I wasn’t able to have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Smells like a troll, but OK

Do you have the face or body to earn that sugar daddy?
Are you Instagram fitness model caliber or nah?

OP here. I’m not a troll. I’m just a woman who has my stuff together and wants a man with the same.

I’m not super hot but I’m cute. Definitely girl next door type cute. I have a nice body and take care of myself. I eat well, workout 5-6 days a week, and I take care of my skin.

Im 5’2”, 118lbs, and nice curves. Dark blonde/light brown hair, dark blue eyes, and fair-skinned.

You are not tall and thin enough... gonna need to calibrate on the self-evaluated "cute" -- what famous person/actress do you look like?

You may be more realistically headed toward public schools and continuing to work... which is PERFECTLY fine, so don't bash it.

OP here. 118lbs is thin. I have breasts and curves. I’m not a stick.

I’m not tall but that has never been an issue. Lots of men I’ve dated and have spoken to love shorter women.

Oh, and I don’t date men over 6ft. I can’t do that a large level of height difference. Weird..I know.

You are not thin.

Good news is, you're not overweight, either. I'm sure you have an attractive figure but you are not thin.

Here's the problem, not just you either, nobody seems to know what thin is anymore - society is so "plump" these days and almost everyone is out of "calibration".

At 5'2'', you need to down at 105 to be able to call yourself thin.

And 5'2'' is short. Not as big of a deal for a woman as it is for a man, but if you are trying to land a bigger fish, as they say, "tall and thin, for the win!"

BMI for 5’2 female is 106-130. 105 is underweight for her height. OP is fine at 118.

105 is not underweight, it's thin. OP is absolutely fine at 118, but she's not "thin". That's my point. 106, 107 and 108 would all also still be thin. 118 is not thin. People should stop kidding themselves and just be honest.

She's a shorty and that is what it is but it also doesn't help her stand out and differentiate her.

Getting back to the task at hand - I would look into interest groups or clubs associated with gardening, running/fitness, travel or the like. Church or religion groups would be another possibility if that's part of your background/upbringing.

BMI says 106 - 130. 105 is technically underweight.

I don’t understand why you feel the need to bag on OP. It’s not like she’s 150 expecting a super fit man. She’s a normal size for her frame and she shouldn’t be shamed for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP. My DH makes less than me, always has. We met in college. My age group is hitting the divorce zone. There are no guarantees. Go for someone with the right personality who will be a good dad if you want kids. It's sexist to insist that your partner make equal or more money. What you want is someone who shares your values and will be a good partner. Many high-powered men have wives who are public school teachers. Would you flip that script? Why/why not?

OP here. Shared values and personality traits are equally important. I was putting out the baseline of expectations that a guy would need to hit in order to go on a date or get a second date.

OP, how are you going to determine all this on a first date? Asking about income, savings, etc. is going to come off as very gauche and will likely ensure that no man asks YOU on a second date.

OP here. That’s my issue. I don’t get many second dates and I think it’s because I focus on the baseline expectations. Only if it gets to the second date do I get more personal.

You must realize that you’re coming off as absolutely mercenary to these men, don’t you?

OP here. I don’t come out and ask men about their salary. I go off of their career. I ask questions like what are they looking for, do they eventually want marriage/kids in their future, what kind of woman do they want as a wife, etc. Is that too strong?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Smells like a troll, but OK

Do you have the face or body to earn that sugar daddy?
Are you Instagram fitness model caliber or nah?

OP here. I’m not a troll. I’m just a woman who has my stuff together and wants a man with the same.

I’m not super hot but I’m cute. Definitely girl next door type cute. I have a nice body and take care of myself. I eat well, workout 5-6 days a week, and I take care of my skin.

Im 5’2”, 118lbs, and nice curves. Dark blonde/light brown hair, dark blue eyes, and fair-skinned.

You are not tall and thin enough... gonna need to calibrate on the self-evaluated "cute" -- what famous person/actress do you look like?

You may be more realistically headed toward public schools and continuing to work... which is PERFECTLY fine, so don't bash it.

OP here. 118lbs is thin. I have breasts and curves. I’m not a stick.

I’m not tall but that has never been an issue. Lots of men I’ve dated and have spoken to love shorter women.

Oh, and I don’t date men over 6ft. I can’t do that a large level of height difference. Weird..I know.

You are not thin.

Good news is, you're not overweight, either. I'm sure you have an attractive figure but you are not thin.

Here's the problem, not just you either, nobody seems to know what thin is anymore - society is so "plump" these days and almost everyone is out of "calibration".

At 5'2'', you need to down at 105 to be able to call yourself thin.

And 5'2'' is short. Not as big of a deal for a woman as it is for a man, but if you are trying to land a bigger fish, as they say, "tall and thin, for the win!"

BMI for 5’2 female is 106-130. 105 is underweight for her height. OP is fine at 118.

105 is not underweight, it's thin. OP is absolutely fine at 118, but she's not "thin". That's my point. 106, 107 and 108 would all also still be thin. 118 is not thin. People should stop kidding themselves and just be honest.

She's a shorty and that is what it is but it also doesn't help her stand out and differentiate her.

Getting back to the task at hand - I would look into interest groups or clubs associated with gardening, running/fitness, travel or the like. Church or religion groups would be another possibility if that's part of your background/upbringing.

You want a hot body? You want a Bugatti?
You want a Maserati? You better work, b***
You want a Lamborghini? Sip martinis?
Look hot in a bikini? You better work, b***
You wanna live fancy? Live in a big mansion?
Party in France?
You better work, b***, you better work, b***

[Anonymous]

OP here. I don’t appreciate the rude comments focused on my body. I take care of myself. I’m not a stick and I’m fine with that. I have naturally large breasts and hips. I feel like I’ve worked really hard to get my body toned up and looking like this. If a man doesn’t like my body or weight, than he’s not for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is this a troll? What about ... love?

I have everything you want, I guess. Work PT and spend lots of time with the kids, have a cool house and everyone has a full life. Husband has salary to cover our life needs. I found my husband when I was 28 and he was 26 living in a group house. I dare say that I loved him and that's why I married him.

OP here. Of course I want love and a man who is smart, funny, reliable, faithful, trustworthy, a good communicator, etc., but I’m talking baseline expectations.

I’m guessing by the comments I need to lower it. What’s a realistic salary I should expect?

I just think it's dangerous to be so focused on these traits, and not on compatibility and love. Im older than you, and then women I know who has these expectations are still single in their 40s.

The exception is hot women. They can be picky and men will fall all over themselves to be with them. Harsh but true.

OP here. I’m not hot but I have no problem attracting men.

I am focused on compatibility, attraction level, shared values, etc., but I have been factoring men in based on if they meet my requirements to even go on a date.

What I’m doing obviously isn’t working. Instead of focusing on the things I haven’t discussed, I’m looking for actual feedback of what I should eliminate.

Stop caring about their roommate situation or exact salary. Look for someone with a professional job. That should be enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP. My DH makes less than me, always has. We met in college. My age group is hitting the divorce zone. There are no guarantees. Go for someone with the right personality who will be a good dad if you want kids. It's sexist to insist that your partner make equal or more money. What you want is someone who shares your values and will be a good partner. Many high-powered men have wives who are public school teachers. Would you flip that script? Why/why not?

OP here. Shared values and personality traits are equally important. I was putting out the baseline of expectations that a guy would need to hit in order to go on a date or get a second date.

OP, how are you going to determine all this on a first date? Asking about income, savings, etc. is going to come off as very gauche and will likely ensure that no man asks YOU on a second date.

OP here. That’s my issue. I don’t get many second dates and I think it’s because I focus on the baseline expectations. Only if it gets to the second date do I get more personal.

You must realize that you’re coming off as absolutely mercenary to these men, don’t you?

OP here. I don’t come out and ask men about their salary. I go off of their career. I ask questions like what are they looking for, do they eventually want marriage/kids in their future, what kind of woman do they want as a wife, etc. Is that too strong?

Yes. That's not pleasant conversation for a first date. You are trying to make some kind of emotional connection with this person. You want them to feel emotionally safe with you and excited about the idea of talking to you; that's what leads to a second date (that and attraction). Questioning like this is likely making men feel very judged. Even if you are physically attractive, they will run from that feeling.