Do I need to lower my expectations ( dating)

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Lower your age requirements. Look for a guy who lives alone and is willing to make a decision on marriage within 1 year. Plus no kids, never married. Older guy pool may be too small.

Roommates shouldn't be a deal breaker. They are economically efficient.

Agree with this. OP’s asks are all very reasonable except the living along part. Successfully living with roommates is actually a good sign of being economically efficient and able to get along with people, which are important traits in a good partner.

She doesn't want economically efficient. She said she wants someone rich so she can be a PTA mom.

OP here. I don’t expect a rich guy either. I make 180k.

Did you grow up in the DMV?

You have an 85th%ile household income just by yourself. If you marry someone witg the same income, you'd be north of 95%.

Basically what you are saying is that you want to spend your young family years married to a guy who is actually pulling in a rich guy's salary.

Unless you both save and you're willing to live a more middle class existence over time as you leave and re-enter the job market.

You seem to have plenty of time to keep dating and experimenting with parameters like age but if you are laying your cards about all your expectations on the table during first and second dates, that may be a problem. Guys don't want to feel like they are being pre-qualified. Even if they are looking for a wife.

I recommend you spend some time on DCUM reading threads about very rich unhappy people and their terrible marriages. Lots of cautionary tale material. Alpha males are cheating targets. High-paying jobs can be soul-crushing.

OP here. I’m from a smaller Midwest town. I grew up poor to lower middle class.

This is likely your problem. Did you attend a top university? I was going to say that you should meet family friends or friends of friends. If your friends are LMC, you won’t be finding what you are looking for.

I grew up poor and so did DH. We are both children of immigrants and met in grad school. We now have a seven figure income.

I’m not sure if an UMC would want you unless you are beautiful and have more than just a good job. You may just be an average cute white girl.

OP here. I will be honest that I don’t know what UMC or LMC is. I moved to VA in 2021. I have a DNP from a private school in the Midwest.

Wait ... you are a short nurse from the midwest? And you are looking for men at basically the 95th percentile?

Are you the same poster who constantly goes on about being tall, thin, and blonde?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How do you know how much money these guys make if you only go out on one or slightly more dates with them? Or how much debt they have? Maybe they don't make much but have no debt and have family money. It takes time to get to know someone. If you like them, get to know them better. Are you religious at all? Maybe going to church or a religious singles community would be a good way to meet marriage -minded men. Also, have you told your friends you're looking? Referrals and introductions from friends are usually the best way to meet someone (that's how I met my husband, who meets all of your criteria!).

OP here. I don’t have many friends here. I’m alway working and I don’t go out that often. The friends I do have are all married or on a serious relationship.

I’m not religious and I’m not interested in a religious man.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Lower your age requirements. Look for a guy who lives alone and is willing to make a decision on marriage within 1 year. Plus no kids, never married. Older guy pool may be too small.

Roommates shouldn't be a deal breaker. They are economically efficient.

Agree with this. OP’s asks are all very reasonable except the living along part. Successfully living with roommates is actually a good sign of being economically efficient and able to get along with people, which are important traits in a good partner.

She doesn't want economically efficient. She said she wants someone rich so she can be a PTA mom.

OP here. I don’t expect a rich guy either. I make 180k.

Did you grow up in the DMV?

You have an 85th%ile household income just by yourself. If you marry someone witg the same income, you'd be north of 95%.

Basically what you are saying is that you want to spend your young family years married to a guy who is actually pulling in a rich guy's salary.

Unless you both save and you're willing to live a more middle class existence over time as you leave and re-enter the job market.

You seem to have plenty of time to keep dating and experimenting with parameters like age but if you are laying your cards about all your expectations on the table during first and second dates, that may be a problem. Guys don't want to feel like they are being pre-qualified. Even if they are looking for a wife.

I recommend you spend some time on DCUM reading threads about very rich unhappy people and their terrible marriages. Lots of cautionary tale material. Alpha males are cheating targets. High-paying jobs can be soul-crushing.

OP here. I’m from a smaller Midwest town. I grew up poor to lower middle class.

This is likely your problem. Did you attend a top university? I was going to say that you should meet family friends or friends of friends. If your friends are LMC, you won’t be finding what you are looking for.

I grew up poor and so did DH. We are both children of immigrants and met in grad school. We now have a seven figure income.

I’m not sure if an UMC would want you unless you are beautiful and have more than just a good job. You may just be an average cute white girl.

OP here. I will be honest that I don’t know what UMC or LMC is. I moved to VA in 2021. I have a DNP from a private school in the Midwest.

Wait ... you are a short nurse from the midwest? And you are looking for men at basically the 95th percentile?

OP here. I am. I’m a nurse anesthetist.

OMG this whole thread makes so much sense now. CRNAs are insanely type A, demanding, difficult, and neurotic. They also think they’re hot shit

OP here. I am not demanding per se but I’m very type A and blunt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, as a CRNA you can work anywhere and make good money anywhere. There is no point in living in the DMV unless you have family here, which it doesn't sound like you do. I would get out of this area to somewhere lower cost, less elitist and snobby, etc. The men may be better elsewhere too, or at least more marriage minded.

OP here. I have contemplated moving somewhere else or back home. I moved here for my ex and his job and I stayed. There’s not much tying me to here.

[Anonymous]

The dating pool in the DC area sucks

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, as a CRNA you can work anywhere and make good money anywhere. There is no point in living in the DMV unless you have family here, which it doesn't sound like you do. I would get out of this area to somewhere lower cost, less elitist and snobby, etc. The men may be better elsewhere too, or at least more marriage minded.

OP here. I have contemplated moving somewhere else or back home. I moved here for my ex and his job and I stayed. There’s not much tying me to here.

Tbh if you are uptight and socially awkward the DC area might be a better place for you than most.

I do think there are much better places with much better people though so you could try your luck

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get rid of all expectations and/or requirements. Be open to all good people that you connect with. Keep living your best life.

Bump!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, as a CRNA you can work anywhere and make good money anywhere. There is no point in living in the DMV unless you have family here, which it doesn't sound like you do. I would get out of this area to somewhere lower cost, less elitist and snobby, etc. The men may be better elsewhere too, or at least more marriage minded.

OP here. I have contemplated moving somewhere else or back home. I moved here for my ex and his job and I stayed. There’s not much tying me to here.

Wait you moved here for someone only making 80k? For shame.

[Anonymous]

I feel like your soulmate is waiting for you in Minneapolis

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:OP, as a CRNA you can work anywhere and make good money anywhere. There is no point in living in the DMV unless you have family here, which it doesn't sound like you do. I would get out of this area to somewhere lower cost, less elitist and snobby, etc. The men may be better elsewhere too, or at least more marriage minded.

OP here. I have contemplated moving somewhere else or back home. I moved here for my ex and his job and I stayed. There’s not much tying me to here.

Wait you moved here for someone only making 80k? For shame.

OP here. I did. I was young and in love.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel like your soulmate is waiting for you in Minneapolis

OP here. Too and because I will never go there.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Smells like a troll, but OK

Do you have the face or body to earn that sugar daddy?
Are you Instagram fitness model caliber or nah?

OP here. I’m not a troll. I’m just a woman who has my stuff together and wants a man with the same.

I’m not super hot but I’m cute. Definitely girl next door type cute. I have a nice body and take care of myself. I eat well, workout 5-6 days a week, and I take care of my skin.

Im 5’2”, 118lbs, and nice curves. Dark blonde/light brown hair, dark blue eyes, and fair-skinned.

You are not tall and thin enough... gonna need to calibrate on the self-evaluated "cute" -- what famous person/actress do you look like?

You may be more realistically headed toward public schools and continuing to work... which is PERFECTLY fine, so don't bash it.

OP here. 118lbs is thin. I have breasts and curves. I’m not a stick.

I’m not tall but that has never been an issue. Lots of men I’ve dated and have spoken to love shorter women.

Oh, and I don’t date men over 6ft. I can’t do that a large level of height difference. Weird..I know.

You are not thin.

Good news is, you're not overweight, either. I'm sure you have an attractive figure but you are not thin.

Here's the problem, not just you either, nobody seems to know what thin is anymore - society is so "plump" these days and almost everyone is out of "calibration".

At 5'2'', you need to down at 105 to be able to call yourself thin.

And 5'2'' is short. Not as big of a deal for a woman as it is for a man, but if you are trying to land a bigger fish, as they say, "tall and thin, for the win!"

BMI for 5’2 female is 106-130. 105 is underweight for her height. OP is fine at 118.

105 is not underweight, it's thin. OP is absolutely fine at 118, but she's not "thin". That's my point. 106, 107 and 108 would all also still be thin. 118 is not thin. People should stop kidding themselves and just be honest.

She's a shorty and that is what it is but it also doesn't help her stand out and differentiate her.

Getting back to the task at hand - I would look into interest groups or clubs associated with gardening, running/fitness, travel or the like. Church or religion groups would be another possibility if that's part of your background/upbringing.

You want a hot body? You want a Bugatti?
You want a Maserati? You better work, b***
You want a Lamborghini? Sip martinis?
Look hot in a bikini? You better work, b***
You wanna live fancy? Live in a big mansion?
Party in France?
You better work, b***, you better work, b***

OP here. What are you talking about? I’m fine with working and foreign cars are a waste of money. Most cars are a waste of money. I don’t need to go to France and I’m not a big drinker.

It’s the lyrics of Brittany Spears’ Work B

[Anonymous]

I feel like you are making a fundamental error about how life works.

Kids in private school and a rich husband are an outcome many years down the line, not a current selection criteria.

I can only imagine how horrific going on a date with you must be. Men are looking for someone they can have fun with and engage with on a humorous, social, and emotional level. They are not looking to be vetted like job applicants, as one PP said.

Listen, life is a long haul. You should be focusing on someone who you like and you have fun with and can respect. You can worry about private schools for your non-existent kids later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Me staying at home is also not a given or requirement. It’s just nice to have the option to work less or quit for a couple of years because I know childcare is expensive. My friend decided to stay home because her nanny cost just as much as her salary for two kids. Daycare is also equally as expensive. My sisters daycare costs is equivalent to her mortgage with 3 kids.

Many young dual-career couples are willing to dig deep to cover a nanny or good daycare for the first 3 years.

If you want to go back to work, it can be difficult to break back in if you exit for 3-5 years (maybe not in DMV, I left DMV because costs were too high to raise a family and I did not want to be a SAHM).

It strikes me that OP does not have a lot of understanding how things currently are. Childcare costs much less than $180K so why would she mention that as a reason she wants to stay home. She is against public school but lives in Virginia? Virginia and MD have great public schools.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would expand your age range and I would t be not seeing people because of things like roommates. You need to find a good compatible partner for you, someone you can grow with. Not living off credit cards, making a solid income with decent career prospects is a good place to start but you should expect someone to have it all the way together, someone of that you can do together if they have a good foundation.

Also, the level of income you are looking for if you want to live in an area like this and stay at home or be part time AND have your kids go to private school is REALLY high. I would very much lower your bars there. It takes a realllly high income to pay for private school for multiple kids. And this area has many great public schools. I would check your assumptions and try to focus more on compatibility, THEN do those mental checks about finances being sound etc (not living on credit cards etc). If you’re starting with the check boxes you’re probably missing the comparability and connection piece limiting your dates from going further

OP here. What’s age range? What income requirements should I have, if one at all.

The other things I’m looking for in a partner: Wants and values marriage, values monogamy and has never cheated, wants kids, stable career, emotionally intelligent, good communicator, financially responsible, kind, honest, respectful, supportive, and politically aligned.

And how do you think you are vetting for this in your first date conversation? Sounds like you are only focused on finances?