When does mean girl drama get better?

[Anonymous]

I’ll also note the irony of people calling sorority girls, PTA moms, and pool board people as the mean girls - as if making derogatory generalizations about a group is the epitome of being kind…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ll also note the irony of people calling sorority girls, PTA moms, and pool board people as the mean girls - as if making derogatory generalizations about a group is the epitome of being kind…

Spoken like someone who has never been on the PTA or the pool board.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So many women embracing victimhood here. It’s one thing for a child to feel helpless or overwhelmed by mean people but as an adult? Know your strength. Avoid the jerks when you can, ignore them when you cannot. And yes, I have had plenty of people be mean to me. I don’t resort to high school tropes to define the situation. You’re better than the jerks.

Actually, you are victim-blaming here by implying that a single individual has the power to avoid abuse by a cohesive group simply by being "better." That's not how bullying works. Bullies have power - that's the very definition of power. They cannot be ignored if they don't want to be. Kids don't commit suicide when they are severely bullied simply because they failed to ignore. You seem like someone lucky enough never to have actually been a victim of real bullying. It's not just someone being mean to you. It's a coordinated effort by a socially powerful group to harm a person with significantly less social status. It is not some insecure kid or a kid with a bad home life. It's typically girls who are fairly popular and more socially adept than their peers. By invalidating the inescapable nature of real mean girl bullying, you trivialize the trauma that real girls experience every day.

[Anonymous]

Women are just mean. It never, ever ends. I'm nearing 60 and I have no improvements to report, OP. Woman are just mean.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have been more interventionist with my kids' friends than I'd ever thought I'd be, but it's mostly worked. When their friends are nice, I invite them to do things with the family, encourage the friendship, liaise with the parents re: camps & weekends away; when their friends are mean, I don't say a word, but never proactively invite them to anything or befriend their parents. It has worked to largely steer them towards nice kids.

I am finding that even the kids who are “nice” for the most part have exclusionary tendencies. The really nice kids who are super empathetic and inclusive are a dime a dozen once you hit the tween years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So many women embracing victimhood here. It’s one thing for a child to feel helpless or overwhelmed by mean people but as an adult? Know your strength. Avoid the jerks when you can, ignore them when you cannot. And yes, I have had plenty of people be mean to me. I don’t resort to high school tropes to define the situation. You’re better than the jerks.

Actually, you are victim-blaming here by implying that a single individual has the power to avoid abuse by a cohesive group simply by being "better." That's not how bullying works. Bullies have power - that's the very definition of power. They cannot be ignored if they don't want to be. Kids don't commit suicide when they are severely bullied simply because they failed to ignore. You seem like someone lucky enough never to have actually been a victim of real bullying. It's not just someone being mean to you. It's a coordinated effort by a socially powerful group to harm a person with significantly less social status. It is not some insecure kid or a kid with a bad home life. It's typically girls who are fairly popular and more socially adept than their peers. By invalidating the inescapable nature of real mean girl bullying, you trivialize the trauma that real girls experience every day.

You seem to have missed this part - “It’s one thing for a child to feel helpless or overwhelmed by mean people but as an adult?” I’m talking about grown women, not girls.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some of these comments seem extreme to me. Mean girl behavior persists, sure, but I think it often peaks in 7th or 8th grade (at least that was my experience over several years as a camp counselor !

Boy problems in high school can bring out the mean girl. My daughter did varsity cheering for football for 9th grade fall season. She had an injury and was out of her ballet program for two months. The girls were nice, she had two close friends on the team. She never cheered before but tumbled and had skills needed. One girl who was a junior turned on her quickly when a senior boy became interested in my daughter. She gossiped about my daughter and wrote her the most vicious vile emails I had ever read. She attacked her personally, ridiculing her problems with depression, the usual name calling slut and all the rest. The worst was the bullies contempt for my daughter’s mental health issues. She crossed so many lines. Over a boy.

I called her step mother and she said that her husband has zero tolerance for bullying and he would take care of it. I think she apologized and never did it again so there are decent parents out there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some of these comments seem extreme to me. Mean girl behavior persists, sure, but I think it often peaks in 7th or 8th grade (at least that was my experience over several years as a camp counselor !

Boy problems in high school can bring out the mean girl. My daughter did varsity cheering for football for 9th grade fall season. She had an injury and was out of her ballet program for two months. The girls were nice, she had two close friends on the team. She never cheered before but tumbled and had skills needed. One girl who was a junior turned on her quickly when a senior boy became interested in my daughter. She gossiped about my daughter and wrote her the most vicious vile emails I had ever read. She attacked her personally, ridiculing her problems with depression, the usual name calling slut and all the rest. The worst was the bullies contempt for my daughter’s mental health issues. She crossed so many lines. Over a boy.

I called her step mother and she said that her husband has zero tolerance for bullying and he would take care of it. I think she apologized and never did it again so there are decent parents out there.

Wow. Glad it was resolved with parent help. That sounds terrible!

[Anonymous]

I think that there are incidents throughout life, but in general, as an adult, it’s easier to protect yourself from these situations (leave toxic job, decline neighborhood holiday party, team up with people you like to volunteer). You’re not stuck with people you hate on a daily basis (typically).

Interpersonal relationships are hard, but most people become more socially savvy as they age, even from middle to high school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some of these comments seem extreme to me. Mean girl behavior persists, sure, but I think it often peaks in 7th or 8th grade (at least that was my experience over several years as a camp counselor !

Boy problems in high school can bring out the mean girl. My daughter did varsity cheering for football for 9th grade fall season. She had an injury and was out of her ballet program for two months. The girls were nice, she had two close friends on the team. She never cheered before but tumbled and had skills needed. One girl who was a junior turned on her quickly when a senior boy became interested in my daughter. She gossiped about my daughter and wrote her the most vicious vile emails I had ever read. She attacked her personally, ridiculing her problems with depression, the usual name calling slut and all the rest. The worst was the bullies contempt for my daughter’s mental health issues. She crossed so many lines. Over a boy.

I called her step mother and she said that her husband has zero tolerance for bullying and he would take care of it. I think she apologized and never did it again so there are decent parents out there.

Wow. Glad it was resolved with parent help. That sounds terrible!

Thanks. The cruelty was so deep I had a hard time talking without crying. I would suggest at least try and talk to parents. They might be horrified and had no idea the bullying was going on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So many women embracing victimhood here. It’s one thing for a child to feel helpless or overwhelmed by mean people but as an adult? Know your strength. Avoid the jerks when you can, ignore them when you cannot. And yes, I have had plenty of people be mean to me. I don’t resort to high school tropes to define the situation. You’re better than the jerks.

Actually, you are victim-blaming here by implying that a single individual has the power to avoid abuse by a cohesive group simply by being "better." That's not how bullying works. Bullies have power - that's the very definition of power. They cannot be ignored if they don't want to be. Kids don't commit suicide when they are severely bullied simply because they failed to ignore. You seem like someone lucky enough never to have actually been a victim of real bullying. It's not just someone being mean to you. It's a coordinated effort by a socially powerful group to harm a person with significantly less social status. It is not some insecure kid or a kid with a bad home life. It's typically girls who are fairly popular and more socially adept than their peers. By invalidating the inescapable nature of real mean girl bullying, you trivialize the trauma that real girls experience every day.

DP. If we are talking adults, maybe run for the pool board or be on the PTA or host your own neighborhood party or whatever you are complaining about as overrun by “mean girls” and make those nicer places if you aren’t able to ignore them somehow. These posts are fascinating to me. If you walk around in this world and are a loyal, kind, and inclusive friend you will attract those people. Build the life want to have. A starting point of all women are mean is certainly not going to help.

If I walked around everyday thinking the entire human race was filled with mean people I’d be seriously depressed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Never- have you been in the workplace, kids sports, PTA... basically any adult group? The mean girls still show their claws. The adult version mean girls are Karens and they are everywhere.

This is what j thought when j read the post. Women in my area/school/community activities can be brutal as well.

Really? How? I can honestly say as a 40 yr old adult woman, I have not experienced any behavior from another woman I would describe as brutal. Sure, some are more friendly than others, but brutal, mean, catty? No.

[Anonymous]

Middle school is hard because they are all so enmeshed in each other’s lives and then have a hard time breaking away, since they are around each other daily.

But good life skills here to learn. I would advise her to branch out and make some new friendship connections. She doesn’t have to burn bridges, but rather 1) not participate in the gossip and complaining that comes her way and 2) engage less overall.

Her friends are trying to figure it out too and make other friendships, they are not bound to only each other. That can come off as ignoring when at school. Tell her not to take it personally. She can talk to other people and should find people that do want to be friendly. Then when other friend is texting her complaining, she needs to be generic and neutral and not pile on with affirmation or complaints.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Never- have you been in the workplace, kids sports, PTA... basically any adult group? The mean girls still show their claws. The adult version mean girls are Karens and they are everywhere.

This is what j thought when j read the post. Women in my area/school/community activities can be brutal as well.

Really? How? I can honestly say as a 40 yr old adult woman, I have not experienced any behavior from another woman I would describe as brutal. Sure, some are more friendly than others, but brutal, mean, catty? No.

And of course your experience is universal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Never- have you been in the workplace, kids sports, PTA... basically any adult group? The mean girls still show their claws. The adult version mean girls are Karens and they are everywhere.

This is what j thought when j read the post. Women in my area/school/community activities can be brutal as well.

Really? How? I can honestly say as a 40 yr old adult woman, I have not experienced any behavior from another woman I would describe as brutal. Sure, some are more friendly than others, but brutal, mean, catty? No.

And of course your experience is universal.

Ok, then explain how random women acquaintances that aren’t even your friend, but you loosely know of through activities are “brutal” to you?