When does mean girl drama get better?

[Anonymous]

Middle school is tough and girls can be so hurtful and mean for no reason. A bunch of girls experienced it a school sport tryout recently and it was interesting to watch the various reactions. Two girls said nope not joining even if we make it, my own kid got very angry about it and another was very hurt and was in tears.

My point being is one person can experience the exact same behavior and handle it very differently. So just because one person lets it roll off their back doesn’t mean everyone will and we need to support them as individuals.

I have been on my daughter to expand her friend group since entering middle and she has in different ways. She also participates in a sport with a group of girls who don’t attend which always gives her another outlet. Sometimes just listening vent at the injustice of it all is what she needs because that’s who she is. Others may need different types of support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So many women embracing victimhood here. It’s one thing for a child to feel helpless or overwhelmed by mean people but as an adult? Know your strength. Avoid the jerks when you can, ignore them when you cannot. And yes, I have had plenty of people be mean to me. I don’t resort to high school tropes to define the situation. You’re better than the jerks.

Actually, you are victim-blaming here by implying that a single individual has the power to avoid abuse by a cohesive group simply by being "better." That's not how bullying works. Bullies have power - that's the very definition of power. They cannot be ignored if they don't want to be. Kids don't commit suicide when they are severely bullied simply because they failed to ignore. You seem like someone lucky enough never to have actually been a victim of real bullying. It's not just someone being mean to you. It's a coordinated effort by a socially powerful group to harm a person with significantly less social status. It is not some insecure kid or a kid with a bad home life. It's typically girls who are fairly popular and more socially adept than their peers. By invalidating the inescapable nature of real mean girl bullying, you trivialize the trauma that real girls experience every day.

DP. If we are talking adults, maybe run for the pool board or be on the PTA or host your own neighborhood party or whatever you are complaining about as overrun by “mean girls” and make those nicer places if you aren’t able to ignore them somehow. These posts are fascinating to me. If you walk around in this world and are a loyal, kind, and inclusive friend you will attract those people. Build the life want to have. A starting point of all women are mean is certainly not going to help.

If I walked around everyday thinking the entire human race was filled with mean people I’d be seriously depressed.

+1. Agree, some people are mean. But the people saying all women are mean? That’s the kind of sh*t that pits women against each other eternally. Total self-own for womankind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Middle school is tough and girls can be so hurtful and mean for no reason. A bunch of girls experienced it a school sport tryout recently and it was interesting to watch the various reactions. Two girls said nope not joining even if we make it, my own kid got very angry about it and another was very hurt and was in tears.

My point being is one person can experience the exact same behavior and handle it very differently. So just because one person lets it roll off their back doesn’t mean everyone will and we need to support them as individuals.

I have been on my daughter to expand her friend group since entering middle and she has in different ways. She also participates in a sport with a group of girls who don’t attend which always gives her another outlet. Sometimes just listening vent at the injustice of it all is what she needs because that’s who she is. Others may need different types of support.

Why weren’t they not going to join?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So many women embracing victimhood here. It’s one thing for a child to feel helpless or overwhelmed by mean people but as an adult? Know your strength. Avoid the jerks when you can, ignore them when you cannot. And yes, I have had plenty of people be mean to me. I don’t resort to high school tropes to define the situation. You’re better than the jerks.

Actually, you are victim-blaming here by implying that a single individual has the power to avoid abuse by a cohesive group simply by being "better." That's not how bullying works. Bullies have power - that's the very definition of power. They cannot be ignored if they don't want to be. Kids don't commit suicide when they are severely bullied simply because they failed to ignore. You seem like someone lucky enough never to have actually been a victim of real bullying. It's not just someone being mean to you. It's a coordinated effort by a socially powerful group to harm a person with significantly less social status. It is not some insecure kid or a kid with a bad home life. It's typically girls who are fairly popular and more socially adept than their peers. By invalidating the inescapable nature of real mean girl bullying, you trivialize the trauma that real girls experience every day.

DP. If we are talking adults, maybe run for the pool board or be on the PTA or host your own neighborhood party or whatever you are complaining about as overrun by “mean girls” and make those nicer places if you aren’t able to ignore them somehow. These posts are fascinating to me. If you walk around in this world and are a loyal, kind, and inclusive friend you will attract those people. Build the life want to have. A starting point of all women are mean is certainly not going to help.

If I walked around everyday thinking the entire human race was filled with mean people I’d be seriously depressed.

I don't actually agree about nice people attracting nice people. Nice people often attract the worst users and self-involved people, and friends who talk behind their back about what a sap/idiot they are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nope never changes.

Sororities are no different than MS.
Country Clubs same
Suburban neighborhoods the same.
Workplace same.

Teach your girls to be intelligent kind competative humans and how to ignore the trolls.

Good God. I was/am in all of these and have not experienced “mean girl drama” specific to these places. Have I had women be mean to me? Yes. In varied circumstances, but not work, or my wonderful neighborhood or even our CC. This seems more about you than a universal experience.

Look in the mirror if you want to see what PP is talking about. It you can't see it outside then it's you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nope never changes.

Sororities are no different than MS.
Country Clubs same
Suburban neighborhoods the same.
Workplace same.

Teach your girls to be intelligent kind competative humans and how to ignore the trolls.

Good God. I was/am in all of these and have not experienced “mean girl drama” specific to these places. Have I had women be mean to me? Yes. In varied circumstances, but not work, or my wonderful neighborhood or even our CC. This seems more about you than a universal experience.

Look in the mirror if you want to see what PP is talking about. It you can't see it outside then it's you.

But she says she’s had people be mean to her. You need it to be a certain kind of mean to not accuse her of being a “mean girl” herself? Hmm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Where do y'all work? Because I have literally never encountered mean girl nonsense at work, and I'm 53 and have had a lot of jobs. I've encountered some nonsense, of course. But not the mean girl brand of it. I haven't seen that since 8th grade.

Same. One mean girl nonsense in grad school, which was a jaw dropper. But there are a couple in my family. They've never done much in the workplace though. SAHM or die.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So many women embracing victimhood here. It’s one thing for a child to feel helpless or overwhelmed by mean people but as an adult? Know your strength. Avoid the jerks when you can, ignore them when you cannot. And yes, I have had plenty of people be mean to me. I don’t resort to high school tropes to define the situation. You’re better than the jerks.

Actually, you are victim-blaming here by implying that a single individual has the power to avoid abuse by a cohesive group simply by being "better." That's not how bullying works. Bullies have power - that's the very definition of power. They cannot be ignored if they don't want to be. Kids don't commit suicide when they are severely bullied simply because they failed to ignore. You seem like someone lucky enough never to have actually been a victim of real bullying. It's not just someone being mean to you. It's a coordinated effort by a socially powerful group to harm a person with significantly less social status. It is not some insecure kid or a kid with a bad home life. It's typically girls who are fairly popular and more socially adept than their peers. By invalidating the inescapable nature of real mean girl bullying, you trivialize the trauma that real girls experience every day.

DP. If we are talking adults, maybe run for the pool board or be on the PTA or host your own neighborhood party or whatever you are complaining about as overrun by “mean girls” and make those nicer places if you aren’t able to ignore them somehow. These posts are fascinating to me. If you walk around in this world and are a loyal, kind, and inclusive friend you will attract those people. Build the life want to have. A starting point of all women are mean is certainly not going to help.

If I walked around everyday thinking the entire human race was filled with mean people I’d be seriously depressed.

I don't actually agree about nice people attracting nice people. Nice people often attract the worst users and self-involved people, and friends who talk behind their back about what a sap/idiot they are.

I wrote what you are responding to. I didn't say "nice", which you seem to be equating to being a doormat and clueless. I said kind. It is kind to be direct and honest with friends and communicate clearly. Kind people can be very good judges of character and have boundaries and all those good things.

I have to think some of the - all the people are so mean - posters have other issues going on in their personality or the way they interact with others and one of those issues is everything is always someone else's fault. If you get to be a middle-aged woman and your experience is all women are awful, time to see a therapist.

[Anonymous]

Middle school is rough because it's still kind of normal to want to be cool then. But I grew out of that! Why didn't everyone else?! This is who I am. You can be the world's best juiciest peach and there's still someone one there who doesn't like peaches.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Middle school is tough and girls can be so hurtful and mean for no reason. A bunch of girls experienced it a school sport tryout recently and it was interesting to watch the various reactions. Two girls said nope not joining even if we make it, my own kid got very angry about it and another was very hurt and was in tears.

My point being is one person can experience the exact same behavior and handle it very differently. So just because one person lets it roll off their back doesn’t mean everyone will and we need to support them as individuals.

I have been on my daughter to expand her friend group since entering middle and she has in different ways. She also participates in a sport with a group of girls who don’t attend which always gives her another outlet. Sometimes just listening vent at the injustice of it all is what she needs because that’s who she is. Others may need different types of support.

Why weren’t they not going to join?

Because a group of older girls was being incredibly mean and talking about how terrible they played. The girls all reacted to it differently.

[Anonymous]

You only need 1 good friend. You don’t need a group of cackling girlfriends

[Anonymous]

The mean girls are the fast girls and they’re mean for a reason.

Once you understand that, it all starts to make sense

[Anonymous]

Get your dd to volunteer especially at other less fortunate groups.

My dd had her eyes open and it really empowered her how “shallow” these other teens were gossiping about one another. She moved on and worked with nicer friends too and she just didn’t become bothered about useless mean talk about what someone dressed the other day or gossiping behind someone about how her hand gestures was so uncool and was a passe meme. She moved on to being a contributor and leader for change to help the less fortunate. If you could get them to also be part of a church mission group to a poor country. She will change her perspective on what matters. Then also bring her to a first world country like Japan or Korea and they will also see what civic mindedness really is and how badly our country is deteriorating and how they need to buck up and compete in the workforce of tomorrow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The mean girls are the fast girls and they’re mean for a reason.

Once you understand that, it all starts to make sense

“Fast” girls? Are you from the 50s?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So many women embracing victimhood here. It’s one thing for a child to feel helpless or overwhelmed by mean people but as an adult? Know your strength. Avoid the jerks when you can, ignore them when you cannot. And yes, I have had plenty of people be mean to me. I don’t resort to high school tropes to define the situation. You’re better than the jerks.

Actually, you are victim-blaming here by implying that a single individual has the power to avoid abuse by a cohesive group simply by being "better." That's not how bullying works. Bullies have power - that's the very definition of power. They cannot be ignored if they don't want to be. Kids don't commit suicide when they are severely bullied simply because they failed to ignore. You seem like someone lucky enough never to have actually been a victim of real bullying. It's not just someone being mean to you. It's a coordinated effort by a socially powerful group to harm a person with significantly less social status. It is not some insecure kid or a kid with a bad home life. It's typically girls who are fairly popular and more socially adept than their peers. By invalidating the inescapable nature of real mean girl bullying, you trivialize the trauma that real girls experience every day.

DP. If we are talking adults, maybe run for the pool board or be on the PTA or host your own neighborhood party or whatever you are complaining about as overrun by “mean girls” and make those nicer places if you aren’t able to ignore them somehow. These posts are fascinating to me. If you walk around in this world and are a loyal, kind, and inclusive friend you will attract those people. Build the life want to have. A starting point of all women are mean is certainly not going to help.

If I walked around everyday thinking the entire human race was filled with mean people I’d be seriously depressed.

+1. Agree, some people are mean. But the people saying all women are mean? That’s the kind of sh*t that pits women against each other eternally. Total self-own for womankind.

DP (first time posting in this thread).

Not all women are mean, but women and girls who ARE mean and play these games tend to gravitate towards roles where they can wield power over other women, and they can wreak a lot of havoc. It's not fair to paint all women with the same brush, but I know so many women (myself included) who have had these extremely negative experiences with specific women in our lives that leave a lot of scars. I actually did not experience the kind of "mean girl" politics that OP's daughter is seeing now while I was in school. Maybe a little around the edges, but my friend groups when I was in MS and HS were pretty fluid and I really don't remember any one girl, or group of girls, who tried to run things.

But as an adult, I've experienced it a few times, and one particular time when it happened in a work environment, was genuinely a life changing event for me, it was so harsh and hard. I do think it's something we need to talk about because it's something that genuinely holds women back. Women who do this stuff are too often rewarded, or are insufficiently called out on it, because they are good at insulating themselves from responsibility for their actions. It's not some made up problem or just some women having sour grapes. Gossip, exclusion, ostracism -- these are tools that some women use to punish women they view as rivals, or to protect things they view are "theirs," be it friendships or jobs or social status. It's sad because most of the time this perceived competition is all in their heads, but the consequences of their actions are not.