When does mean girl drama get better?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Never- have you been in the workplace, kids sports, PTA... basically any adult group? The mean girls still show their claws. The adult version mean girls are Karens and they are everywhere.

Unfortunately this.

My DD had a group of friends and brought in a new girl, who was new to the area. Well, that girl ended up basically power grabbing all the friends and now they don't include my kid, who is the kindest of the bunch and always inclusive. Even with other friends, she now lacks the sort of "tribe" that she had before. Not included in meeting up, excluded from bdays, group chats, etc. This has taken a HUGE mental toll on my child and her confidence. (My kid is in HS).

I want to throat punch that one kid, but social norms dictate that I do not. So I silently seethe an try to support my child.

Same general thing happened to my DD, but it was a girl new to school and I was friends with the girls mom. I asked my DD to include the new girl, which she did. When the girl took over the friend group, the new mom never once told her daughter to go back to including my kid. Lessons learned all around- girls can be cruel.

[Anonymous]

Moms in my suburban neighborhood are so cliquey and cold. I just don't volunteer at the schools anymore and get on with life. They all seem really boring anyways.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Where do y'all work? Because I have literally never encountered mean girl nonsense at work, and I'm 53 and have had a lot of jobs. I've encountered some nonsense, of course. But not the mean girl brand of it. I haven't seen that since 8th grade.

Same. I guess I have been fortunate. I’ve worked mostly in government.

[Anonymous]

These threads are so confusing to me. Where are you all encountering mean girls past high school? I have had so many amazing female friends in my life. I’m 50.

I just don’t get it. Amazing women are out there. If you are encountering mean ones as an adult don’t engage with them and don’t be their friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Never- have you been in the workplace, kids sports, PTA... basically any adult group? The mean girls still show their claws. The adult version mean girls are Karens and they are everywhere.

Glad I have boys.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Never- have you been in the workplace, kids sports, PTA... basically any adult group? The mean girls still show their claws. The adult version mean girls are Karens and they are everywhere.

Glad I have boys.

Boys can also be very mean.

[Anonymous]

Some of these comments seem extreme to me. Mean girl behavior persists, sure, but I think it often peaks in 7th or 8th grade (at least that was my experience over several years as a camp counselor - always the most drama in the 12-13 year old cabin!). The women I’ve surrounded myself with in high school, college, grad school and adulthood have largely been supportive - but I had little tolerance for the drama queens and mostly just avoid them. In the workplace, my female colleagues have mostly been amazingly supportive. While I think it’s helpful to be aware of queen bee types (and avoid the), I think it does us all a disservice to just say “that’s how women are everywhere.” Its hard to avoid in middle school, but help your daughter find it elsewhere!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Never- have you been in the workplace, kids sports, PTA... basically any adult group? The mean girls still show their claws. The adult version mean girls are Karens and they are everywhere.

This is what j thought when j read the post. Women in my area/school/community activities can be brutal as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s been a lot better now in 10th grade. My daughter and her friends still have disputes but it seems like they can talk through them more easily and they aren’t friendship ending, and there is less excluding of one person and less canceling

This is what I recall, but I think my DDs friend drama was dramatic chilled out by HS, so 9th grade and by 10th the kids seemed to have settled and less concerned about the constant social posturing

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some of these comments seem extreme to me. Mean girl behavior persists, sure, but I think it often peaks in 7th or 8th grade (at least that was my experience over several years as a camp counselor - always the most drama in the 12-13 year old cabin!). The women I’ve surrounded myself with in high school, college, grad school and adulthood have largely been supportive - but I had little tolerance for the drama queens and mostly just avoid them. In the workplace, my female colleagues have mostly been amazingly supportive. While I think it’s helpful to be aware of queen bee types (and avoid the), I think it does us all a disservice to just say “that’s how women are everywhere.” Its hard to avoid in middle school, but help your daughter find it elsewhere!

Me too!

[Anonymous]

I empathize with you as our daughter is also going through her fair share of girl drama in 6th grade as well. What's worked for us is being clear about what we value in friendships; having both of us affirm that popular often equates to having power over and being mean to other girls in middle school and that will only get you so far; empathizing when girls are downright nasty; and helping her branch out into new activities where kids from several grades participate so she can help find her people. She also happens to have a good childhood friend whom she considers like a brother and so she sometimes retreats when the girl drama gets to be too much. Slowly but surely, she is finding her people, sidestepping a lot of drama and calling out nonsense when she sees it and feels very strongly about it. Finding just one or two other new people has helped her tremendously.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My daughter is much younger, but this triggers bad middle school feelings. Are the girls who play team sports better off? For example, do they stick together at school? My boys have always had friends through sports.

No, not necessarily. Except for maybe cross country or ultimate Frisbee. Weirdly my DD has found those to be the nice kids, same as it was when I was in school.

Also, remember, there's safety in finding your group in your team and those girls may be nice to each other but not necessarily show the same niceness to those in the outside. One of Dd's closest childhood friends made the competitive soccer team and then found her group and no longer gives my dd the time of day. We were at a school event recently and the other girl's mom kept trying to get her to come say hi to my dd who had arrived late and her daughter would not do it. I didn't know what to tell the other mom but she clearly had no clue that her daughter had been giving mine the cold shoulder for months.

[Anonymous]

It was better for me in HS. In MS I wanted to be cool. In HS I was ok being myself - finally matured up to that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nope never changes.

Sororities are no different than MS.
Country Clubs same
Suburban neighborhoods the same.
Workplace same.

Teach your girls to be intelligent kind competative humans and how to ignore the trolls.

+1 Preach. Each of those groups are no different than the other, because the mean girls peak in high school, OP. Teach your OP to be her own person, go in her own direction, make her own way, and be with her people - strong, independent, creative, brilliant, interesting women who have a joy for learning and know how to be happy, without trying to tear other women down.

I tell my kids we don’t want to peak in HS but I don’t agree with the rest. I live my life confident and not worried about the people at county clubs!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I really have not encounter mean girls since high school. Maybe a rude mom once in a while but nothing like middle/high school. 5th-7th were the worst.

Agree that 5th-7th are the worst. By 8th grade it had calmed down a bit. By high school the really mean stuff was limited to a few groups that enjoyed drama. It wasn't that hard to find a group with mostly nice girls (and boys).