Communication

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I totally identify with this post. I can’t believe when he walks into a room he can’t see the situation and what needs to be done. 20 years of having to give OBVIOUS instructions really grates. When I proactively ask him to do something, I can be met with “Yes of course I was going to do that” but if I don’t there is a really good chance it doesn’t happen.

Getting ready for a holiday meal is a great example: I have to step by step give him tasks all day in prep: put leaves in the table and add the extra chairs, get ice and extra soft drinks from the store, set up the cheese plate. He does consistently set up the bar without asking. But several times a year I’m asking him to set up the table, get the ice - like it’s all new to him. And it makes me edgy because meanwhile I’m prepping and cooking in the kitchen and then have to assign another task when he comes in and says he did the table leaves, now what (okay, table pads; good job now do the chairs; great - please put ice in the glasses and pour the water) - why can’t he just do all these things without asking?

So what if you flipped this around? If I think of something like adding oil to the car, my husband probably feels the same way you do. I've done it a few times but not enough times to remember it all. So what kind of oil is it? Do they sell that at the gas station? Do I pour the whole bottle in? I can think of other examples of things that he is mostly in charge of. But instead of getting annoyed with each other we either (a) do the tasks that we are each more familiar with (I couldn't operate the grill if my life depended on it, for example) or (b) we provide the necessary steps to the spouse who is willing to help but needs guidance.

I get that "setting a table" should be something you think everyone should do. And maybe some people think adding oil to a car is something everyone should be able to do. I get it if you're talking about changing a kid's diaper or something that you both need to know how to do, but I guess with something like doing the table I'd be willing to let it go and appreciate that he is participating. I mean, who really wanted to host the party in the first place?

I totally agree with you but the difference i would assume is you are mature enough after being told a couple times or shown. It wouldnt need to be repeated.

That's my point - my husband has shown me several times over the course of our marriage how to add oil to the car and yet it doesn't stick. Is it because I don't really care enough to want to learn it and store the information for future use? Probably. Should I care more and try harder to absorb the information so he doesn't have to repeat himself? Probably. Should I learn how to use the grill? Probably, but I don't want to, so I just ask him to do it when it's time to grill. Do I have any idea what to do if our internet service goes out? Nope. What if the gardener doesn't come for a whole month? I have no idea how to contact him, even though my husband has told me his name before. The latch on our fence is broken and needs to get fixed. Am I doing anything about it? No, that's on my husband. I could go on and on, but my point is that I think there are things that each spouse is better at/knows more about, and you can decide to either allow some things to be wholly handled by one person or you learn (or teach) so that everyone can do everything. If there was something that I felt my husband needed to learn (how to do a proper place setting, for example), then I'd take the time to make sure he understood it. Otherwise I'd just be happy with him helping me do it and asking where the little fork goes. Because I assume he couldn't care less how the table is set, so I'm not offended that he doesn't know how to do it, no matter how many times he's done it.

Again, this is not the same as things like childcare. Of course I expect my husband to be able to do everything for our kids. But you mentioned setting a table and I personally wouldn't get bent out of shape about that. Nor do I learn how to do everything after being shown.

Not to sound mean but your just as immature as OP's husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I feel like I could have written your post some days so I completely empathize. I am approaching this from a place of total calm because I wasn't involved in your situation and am also approaching it from a bit of a vacuum because I don't have all the shared history you have with your husband, so take what I say with a grain of salt - I am not attempting to minimize your feelings at all, I'm just reading the black and white words you wrote.

You said your husband normally gets the kids ready for school - this morning why did he think he wasn't responsible for doing that with the daughter who had the doctor's appointment? Had you said anything like "I'll handle her since I'm taking her" or something along those lines? You may want to ask him if you did if you don't remember. I say this because commenting on how she wasn't dressed yet didn't necessarily clue him in that something was wrong. Yes, you said she was giving you attitude, so he could have gone and investigated the situation himself, but hopefully you can see how him pulling from what you said that he needed to go make sure she was ready would require a bit of mind reading/thinking about the situation. Does that make sense? To be clear, I'm not being critical of you, because I GET IT! I'm just trying to help you see how in this case if he thought he wasn't responsible for her, you didn't really ever tell him that that situation had changed. So it's not that he's assuming you have it all the time, but in this case he may have been under the impression that you were handling it because of something you said or because the morning routine was different.

So, in this case, I'm not saying your husband couldn't have jumped up and helped you when he saw that you were stressed, but I am saying that it likely wasn't clear to him that you needed his help. You said you regularly feel like the default parent if you're both there, and that's problematic, but I don't think this morning is necessarily evidence of that issue (although I see how they are intertwined in your head right now and they seem like the same thing). If this morning he assumed you were responsible for the child not going to school, then I do think you can discuss that with him and ask why he assumes that if anything goes slightly off schedule why that should be on you. Ask him what he would have expected of the morning had he been the one to take her to the doctor. But if this morning he believed that you were handling the child not going to school because you had said as much (or even that you had started to get her ready, which signaled to him that you "had it"), then I think you can also discuss this with him but I would be conscious of not snapping at him for not realizing that you needed help.

My husband is wonderful and very involved with our kids BUT he still drives me crazy sometimes and it's mostly because we're different people and sometimes it's hard to imagine how someone other than you would handle something. In your mind, if you saw your spouse running around stressed out, you would likely ask what you can do to help them, and then try to make sure things were organized while they were in the shower. In your husband's mind, if he is not responsible for something, he is not responsible for it and he will focus on something else. Some people (often/usually men) are better at this than others. I could be writing a brief for work but I'm also thinking about how I need to schedule a sitter for the baby shower I was invited to because my husband is out of town that weekend. My husband literally does one thing at a time. I envy him sometimes.

Sorry this got so long, I just really felt your post, and I do totally understand where you're coming from. I think understanding how your husband's brain works (which is to say, he is focused on a single task a at a time and does not read cues of other things happening) maybe will help you not get mad at him. You're still allowed to be frustrated, but I've found that trying to figure out how my husband sees things and appreciating that it's not the same way I see things helps us not get angry with each other.

I’m sure you mean well but all these hypotheticals have nothing to do with how the morning actually went. As I said if I’m not commuting I will sometimes help out so me having told DD to get dressed was not a big change from the norm. I was purposely telling DH she had not done that when I saw her last. I had mentioned earlier I absolutely had to shower and I was stressed she was putting up a fight because she would normally have been dressed and ready to go with plenty of time for me to shower (our other child had already left for school that they both go to). I did not specifically say that she needed to be dressed to go to the appointment or that he should get her ready. But I just don’t want to be in a marriage where that’s the expectation. I feel like I already spoon feed him more than I should have to.

You have to deal with the husband you have. He responds to direct communication. You can ask for (not dictate!) what you want him to help with and that’s not spoon feeding him. Give grace and accept that there are some times you don’t do everything perfectly either that he probably cuts you slack for too. You guys are a team, not adversaries.

Dude, that's HIS KID. Why does she need to ask him to help parent his own kid?!

You're being really rigid here. Do you think it makes sense for both parents to constantly follow both kids around? For both parents to respond to school emails? For both parents to cook kids a dinner? Of course not. Does it make sense for both parents to either take turns with those tasks or do them together as a team? Of course. But that takes communication. OP's husband expressed frustration with her lack of communication. So she can either rail on about how it's HIS KID or she can try to figure out what's going on and fix the dynamic. But me expecting my husband to go do something because I know it needs to be done and he may not is not a recipe for success. But hey, you do you and all your anger. I'll stay in my lane with my happy marriage.

A paragraph screed in reply to a one-line post is... my anger? No one suggested both parents follow the kid nonstop. OP's post mentioned that the kid had an appointment both parents knew about, and parent a told parent b they'd be be off-duty (showering). By your own logic, it was OP's spouse's turn, and he beefed it.

And now you're up in these comments making it about my anger? Sweetie, I'm not angry. I'm divorced. Bet you're telling pretty lies about your "happy marriage" the same way I used to, while doing the lion's share of the work. I hope your spouse comes around to clean up and "help" when you burn out. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Stop doing mundane, routine chores and tasks for grown men.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I totally identify with this post. I can’t believe when he walks into a room he can’t see the situation and what needs to be done. 20 years of having to give OBVIOUS instructions really grates. When I proactively ask him to do something, I can be met with “Yes of course I was going to do that” but if I don’t there is a really good chance it doesn’t happen.

Getting ready for a holiday meal is a great example: I have to step by step give him tasks all day in prep: put leaves in the table and add the extra chairs, get ice and extra soft drinks from the store, set up the cheese plate. He does consistently set up the bar without asking. But several times a year I’m asking him to set up the table, get the ice - like it’s all new to him. And it makes me edgy because meanwhile I’m prepping and cooking in the kitchen and then have to assign another task when he comes in and says he did the table leaves, now what (okay, table pads; good job now do the chairs; great - please put ice in the glasses and pour the water) - why can’t he just do all these things without asking?

OP here and I don’t think this is the same at all. My husband 100 percent knew what to do. He is capable of getting the kids out the door more or less on time. To be honest the more I thought about it the more I think think I’m about 25 percent angry about the actual failure to make sure we made it to the appointment and 75 percent angry that he didn’t take responsibility for messing up and instead tried to turn it on me that he can only be expected to do these simple, routine things if I am either not there or specifically request him to do something. I am even more angry that he said something to that effect in front of our daughter.

Last night I was too drained for a major conversation but I apologized for yelling and he apologized sort of generally too. I think we need to have a bigger conversation over the weekend though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I totally identify with this post. I can’t believe when he walks into a room he can’t see the situation and what needs to be done. 20 years of having to give OBVIOUS instructions really grates. When I proactively ask him to do something, I can be met with “Yes of course I was going to do that” but if I don’t there is a really good chance it doesn’t happen.

Getting ready for a holiday meal is a great example: I have to step by step give him tasks all day in prep: put leaves in the table and add the extra chairs, get ice and extra soft drinks from the store, set up the cheese plate. He does consistently set up the bar without asking. But several times a year I’m asking him to set up the table, get the ice - like it’s all new to him. And it makes me edgy because meanwhile I’m prepping and cooking in the kitchen and then have to assign another task when he comes in and says he did the table leaves, now what (okay, table pads; good job now do the chairs; great - please put ice in the glasses and pour the water) - why can’t he just do all these things without asking?

OP here and I don’t think this is the same at all. My husband 100 percent knew what to do. He is capable of getting the kids out the door more or less on time. To be honest the more I thought about it the more I think think I’m about 25 percent angry about the actual failure to make sure we made it to the appointment and 75 percent angry that he didn’t take responsibility for messing up and instead tried to turn it on me that he can only be expected to do these simple, routine things if I am either not there or specifically request him to do something. I am even more angry that he said something to that effect in front of our daughter.

Last night I was too drained for a major conversation but I apologized for yelling and he apologized sort of generally too. I think we need to have a bigger conversation over the weekend though.

You 1000% need to have a conversation with him.