Communication

[Anonymous]

This morning my daughter, who is usually very well behaved, had a medical appointment she was stressed about and was acting up and refusing to get dressed. I was taking her to the appointment once our other child was at school but time was ticking and she was picking fights with her sibling and so I sent her up to her room to get dressed.

I was getting stressed out because I had been running around all morning and was not ready to leave. I had the following exchange with my husband:

DH: she can come come sit with me while you shower.

Me: well she’s not dressed yet - she’s been giving me attitude and I really need to shower now (last part as I’m running up to the shower)

I come out and go into DH office and DD is now where to be seen. I ask where she is and he says he has no idea. I ask if she’s dressed and he has no idea. I was visibly upset because we needed to leave and he yelled after me “you never communicate! How am I supposed to know if I need to do something?????”

I just left and scrambled around- we made it to the appointment because DD felt bad about giving me attitude and got herself ready. But I’m so frustrated and I know I need to have a follow up conversation with DH. I admit I did not specifically say “please make sure DD is dressed by the time I’m out.” I am happy to acknowledge that. But I just don’t accept that he is only expected to do something if I specifically ask him like a child. We have had versions of this conversation before that involve him telling me that he’s not a mind reader and he needs me to explicitly tell him if I want something done. But I just don’t understand how he took from that conversation he should just check out for the rest of the morning. If it was some unusual thing like DD needs something for school I can understand needing to say that explicitly (I have accepted he will not read the emails from the school, so I need to be on all of that). But the routine things like a child needing to be dressed- its like if I’m there the default is I will do everything instead of it being a shared responsibility. Usually he is the one who gets the kids ready for school although I ended up helping a lot on days I work at home.

I am honestly not sure what to do. I feel like the more I try to explicit the less he does because I can’t be actively instructing him all the time. If you have had the to have a similar conversation please give me your advice.

[Anonymous]

I would lose my mind over this. But the truth is, I am generally a very direct person. So, I would probably have said “please get her dressed, fed and teeth brushed while I shower.” Because that is just how I operate.

But my husband does just fine getting kids ready without me explaining how it works. What happens if you go out of town?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would lose my mind over this. But the truth is, I am generally a very direct person. So, I would probably have said “please get her dressed, fed and teeth brushed while I shower.” Because that is just how I operate.

But my husband does just fine getting kids ready without me explaining how it works. What happens if you go out of town?

Let me add if this did happen, the conversation would probably be something like “dude, you knew we were running late and you did nothing to get her ready. I am not your magic fairy. I need you to do stuff you know needs to be done. You manage to be a competent 50 year old human. Do you really expect me to believe you don’t know when a kid needs to get ready in the morning?” Depending on his reaction, this could go in a lot of directions.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you have 3 kids to raise are all husbands this immature?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would lose my mind over this. But the truth is, I am generally a very direct person. So, I would probably have said “please get her dressed, fed and teeth brushed while I shower.” Because that is just how I operate.

But my husband does just fine getting kids ready without me explaining how it works. What happens if you go out of town?

I don’t travel a lot but if I am not home he generally does a lot better although some thing might not be ideal. I have been trying to go out with friends a bit more in the evenings and nothing terrible has happened. But if I’m home, it seems like the expectation is I will be in charge.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would lose my mind over this. But the truth is, I am generally a very direct person. So, I would probably have said “please get her dressed, fed and teeth brushed while I shower.” Because that is just how I operate.

But my husband does just fine getting kids ready without me explaining how it works. What happens if you go out of town?

Let me add if this did happen, the conversation would probably be something like “dude, you knew we were running late and you did nothing to get her ready. I am not your magic fairy. I need you to do stuff you know needs to be done. You manage to be a competent 50 year old human. Do you really expect me to believe you don’t know when a kid needs to get ready in the morning?” Depending on his reaction, this could go in a lot of directions.

I sort of yelled at him something like how do you not even care about anything and just assume I will do EVERYTHING!!! Which was not helpful I know. But I guess starting with what on earth was going through your mind that you just disappeared without checking in that our child was ready would be a good start.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would lose my mind over this. But the truth is, I am generally a very direct person. So, I would probably have said “please get her dressed, fed and teeth brushed while I shower.” Because that is just how I operate.

But my husband does just fine getting kids ready without me explaining how it works. What happens if you go out of town?

Let me add if this did happen, the conversation would probably be something like “dude, you knew we were running late and you did nothing to get her ready. I am not your magic fairy. I need you to do stuff you know needs to be done. You manage to be a competent 50 year old human. Do you really expect me to believe you don’t know when a kid needs to get ready in the morning?” Depending on his reaction, this could go in a lot of directions.

I sort of yelled at him something like how do you not even care about anything and just assume I will do EVERYTHING!!! Which was not helpful I know. But I guess starting with what on earth was going through your mind that you just disappeared without checking in that our child was ready would be a good start.

My wife adjusted me over doing something similiar. She ripped into me pretty good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would lose my mind over this. But the truth is, I am generally a very direct person. So, I would probably have said “please get her dressed, fed and teeth brushed while I shower.” Because that is just how I operate.

But my husband does just fine getting kids ready without me explaining how it works. What happens if you go out of town?

Let me add if this did happen, the conversation would probably be something like “dude, you knew we were running late and you did nothing to get her ready. I am not your magic fairy. I need you to do stuff you know needs to be done. You manage to be a competent 50 year old human. Do you really expect me to believe you don’t know when a kid needs to get ready in the morning?” Depending on his reaction, this could go in a lot of directions.

I sort of yelled at him something like how do you not even care about anything and just assume I will do EVERYTHING!!! Which was not helpful I know. But I guess starting with what on earth was going through your mind that you just disappeared without checking in that our child was ready would be a good start.

My wife adjusted me over doing something similiar. She ripped into me pretty good.

Did you change? Or just get annoyed at her?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would lose my mind over this. But the truth is, I am generally a very direct person. So, I would probably have said “please get her dressed, fed and teeth brushed while I shower.” Because that is just how I operate.

But my husband does just fine getting kids ready without me explaining how it works. What happens if you go out of town?

Let me add if this did happen, the conversation would probably be something like “dude, you knew we were running late and you did nothing to get her ready. I am not your magic fairy. I need you to do stuff you know needs to be done. You manage to be a competent 50 year old human. Do you really expect me to believe you don’t know when a kid needs to get ready in the morning?” Depending on his reaction, this could go in a lot of directions.

No, you do NOT say this to another adult human. So much passive-aggressive contempt and arrogance. It's toxic.

This is why the scripts people suggest on DCUM should always be ignored.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would lose my mind over this. But the truth is, I am generally a very direct person. So, I would probably have said “please get her dressed, fed and teeth brushed while I shower.” Because that is just how I operate.

But my husband does just fine getting kids ready without me explaining how it works. What happens if you go out of town?

Let me add if this did happen, the conversation would probably be something like “dude, you knew we were running late and you did nothing to get her ready. I am not your magic fairy. I need you to do stuff you know needs to be done. You manage to be a competent 50 year old human. Do you really expect me to believe you don’t know when a kid needs to get ready in the morning?” Depending on his reaction, this could go in a lot of directions.

I sort of yelled at him something like how do you not even care about anything and just assume I will do EVERYTHING!!! Which was not helpful I know. But I guess starting with what on earth was going through your mind that you just disappeared without checking in that our child was ready would be a good start.

My wife adjusted me over doing something similiar. She ripped into me pretty good.

Did you change? Or just get annoyed at her?

I was annoyed at first but i apologized and i was totally in the wrong.
It was more so i guess because she had already reminded me 3 times and still had to adjust me for being late made her furious. It was bad.

[Anonymous]

OK, your DH could have stepped up and gotten your daughter dressed. But you did not actually ask him to do anything. If this is his normal work time, then his default is to do work.

You need to say to him something like "I need to shower in preparation for this appointment. Can you please dress daughter, get her teeth brushed, and prep her school bag before I get out of the shower? Then we'll be able to go the instant I'm ready."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would lose my mind over this. But the truth is, I am generally a very direct person. So, I would probably have said “please get her dressed, fed and teeth brushed while I shower.” Because that is just how I operate.

But my husband does just fine getting kids ready without me explaining how it works. What happens if you go out of town?

Let me add if this did happen, the conversation would probably be something like “dude, you knew we were running late and you did nothing to get her ready. I am not your magic fairy. I need you to do stuff you know needs to be done. You manage to be a competent 50 year old human. Do you really expect me to believe you don’t know when a kid needs to get ready in the morning?” Depending on his reaction, this could go in a lot of directions.

I sort of yelled at him something like how do you not even care about anything and just assume I will do EVERYTHING!!! Which was not helpful I know. But I guess starting with what on earth was going through your mind that you just disappeared without checking in that our child was ready would be a good start.

When DH does do something without you telling him specifically, do you (sometimes) berate him for doing it wrong? I'm getting the vibe that you are overly controlling, which may have the unintended consequence that no one wants to do something for fear of doing it "wrong"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would lose my mind over this. But the truth is, I am generally a very direct person. So, I would probably have said “please get her dressed, fed and teeth brushed while I shower.” Because that is just how I operate.

But my husband does just fine getting kids ready without me explaining how it works. What happens if you go out of town?

Let me add if this did happen, the conversation would probably be something like “dude, you knew we were running late and you did nothing to get her ready. I am not your magic fairy. I need you to do stuff you know needs to be done. You manage to be a competent 50 year old human. Do you really expect me to believe you don’t know when a kid needs to get ready in the morning?” Depending on his reaction, this could go in a lot of directions.

I sort of yelled at him something like how do you not even care about anything and just assume I will do EVERYTHING!!! Which was not helpful I know. But I guess starting with what on earth was going through your mind that you just disappeared without checking in that our child was ready would be a good start.

My wife adjusted me over doing something similiar. She ripped into me pretty good.

Did you change? Or just get annoyed at her?

I was annoyed at first but i apologized and i was totally in the wrong.
It was more so i guess because she had already reminded me 3 times and still had to adjust me for being late made her furious. It was bad.

Yikes! You should remind yourself of this every day. She had to remind you 3 times and you still were late??? It's like you are a 14 year old boy!!! Not a gainfully employed adult with 2 kids a dog and a hamster. (I made all that up, but let's assume you have some responsibilities)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would lose my mind over this. But the truth is, I am generally a very direct person. So, I would probably have said “please get her dressed, fed and teeth brushed while I shower.” Because that is just how I operate.

But my husband does just fine getting kids ready without me explaining how it works. What happens if you go out of town?

Let me add if this did happen, the conversation would probably be something like “dude, you knew we were running late and you did nothing to get her ready. I am not your magic fairy. I need you to do stuff you know needs to be done. You manage to be a competent 50 year old human. Do you really expect me to believe you don’t know when a kid needs to get ready in the morning?” Depending on his reaction, this could go in a lot of directions.

I sort of yelled at him something like how do you not even care about anything and just assume I will do EVERYTHING!!! Which was not helpful I know. But I guess starting with what on earth was going through your mind that you just disappeared without checking in that our child was ready would be a good start.

When DH does do something without you telling him specifically, do you (sometimes) berate him for doing it wrong? I'm getting the vibe that you are overly controlling, which may have the unintended consequence that no one wants to do something for fear of doing it "wrong"

People wouldn't need to be "controlling" toward you if you controlled yourself. If you don't need a boss, you don't get bossed. If you need to be told, if you're going to petulantly complain after the fact that you weren't told and thus couldn't possibly have been responsible for yourself, you're gonna keep getting told.

Self-discipline prevents external discipline. If you're old enough to father children, you're old enough to figure out how to parent them, too.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like this kid is old enough to get dressed on her own. You sent her upstairs and gaver her instructions to get dressed. You told DH she isn’t dressed “yet”. It sounds like he took you at your word and was expecting her to come down when she was finished. Not an unreasonable expectation of his if he’s the one who usually gets them ready for school anyway.

A simple miscommunication not worth blowing up over IMO but you took it there first unfortunately.