Communication

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I ripped my husband apart yesterday i asked him to take our 4yr old to a dr appt. He missed the appt was the first strike. I come home from work he is playing video games the house is a mess no chores were done. I left him simple rules to follow. He then has the you know what to ask for sex last night.

I'd say "sure, baby! How 'bout a beej?" and then bite it off.

Omg exactly or hey babe have you ever heard of castration lol. I was so pist and then you ask for sex. Like read the room i was like the answer is no.

[Anonymous]

OP, I feel like I could have written your post some days so I completely empathize. I am approaching this from a place of total calm because I wasn't involved in your situation and am also approaching it from a bit of a vacuum because I don't have all the shared history you have with your husband, so take what I say with a grain of salt - I am not attempting to minimize your feelings at all, I'm just reading the black and white words you wrote.

You said your husband normally gets the kids ready for school - this morning why did he think he wasn't responsible for doing that with the daughter who had the doctor's appointment? Had you said anything like "I'll handle her since I'm taking her" or something along those lines? You may want to ask him if you did if you don't remember. I say this because commenting on how she wasn't dressed yet didn't necessarily clue him in that something was wrong. Yes, you said she was giving you attitude, so he could have gone and investigated the situation himself, but hopefully you can see how him pulling from what you said that he needed to go make sure she was ready would require a bit of mind reading/thinking about the situation. Does that make sense? To be clear, I'm not being critical of you, because I GET IT! I'm just trying to help you see how in this case if he thought he wasn't responsible for her, you didn't really ever tell him that that situation had changed. So it's not that he's assuming you have it all the time, but in this case he may have been under the impression that you were handling it because of something you said or because the morning routine was different.

So, in this case, I'm not saying your husband couldn't have jumped up and helped you when he saw that you were stressed, but I am saying that it likely wasn't clear to him that you needed his help. You said you regularly feel like the default parent if you're both there, and that's problematic, but I don't think this morning is necessarily evidence of that issue (although I see how they are intertwined in your head right now and they seem like the same thing). If this morning he assumed you were responsible for the child not going to school, then I do think you can discuss that with him and ask why he assumes that if anything goes slightly off schedule why that should be on you. Ask him what he would have expected of the morning had he been the one to take her to the doctor. But if this morning he believed that you were handling the child not going to school because you had said as much (or even that you had started to get her ready, which signaled to him that you "had it"), then I think you can also discuss this with him but I would be conscious of not snapping at him for not realizing that you needed help.

My husband is wonderful and very involved with our kids BUT he still drives me crazy sometimes and it's mostly because we're different people and sometimes it's hard to imagine how someone other than you would handle something. In your mind, if you saw your spouse running around stressed out, you would likely ask what you can do to help them, and then try to make sure things were organized while they were in the shower. In your husband's mind, if he is not responsible for something, he is not responsible for it and he will focus on something else. Some people (often/usually men) are better at this than others. I could be writing a brief for work but I'm also thinking about how I need to schedule a sitter for the baby shower I was invited to because my husband is out of town that weekend. My husband literally does one thing at a time. I envy him sometimes.

Sorry this got so long, I just really felt your post, and I do totally understand where you're coming from. I think understanding how your husband's brain works (which is to say, he is focused on a single task a at a time and does not read cues of other things happening) maybe will help you not get mad at him. You're still allowed to be frustrated, but I've found that trying to figure out how my husband sees things and appreciating that it's not the same way I see things helps us not get angry with each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would lose my mind over this. But the truth is, I am generally a very direct person. So, I would probably have said “please get her dressed, fed and teeth brushed while I shower.” Because that is just how I operate.

But my husband does just fine getting kids ready without me explaining how it works. What happens if you go out of town?

I don’t travel a lot but if I am not home he generally does a lot better although some thing might not be ideal. I have been trying to go out with friends a bit more in the evenings and nothing terrible has happened. But if I’m home, it seems like the expectation is I will be in charge.

If it helps, something we do is take turns being responsible for things, with the understanding that we will help the other person out as needed. So on Mondays, I get the kids up and ready for school and my husband takes the dogs for a walk and feeds them. We meet in the kitchen for breakfast and then whoever had the kids decides whether they want to drive them to the bus stop or not (if it's raining, below 32, etc.). Whoever is home cleans up the kitchen. On Tuesday, my husband gets the kids up and ready for school and I walk and feed the dogs, then we meet in the kitchen for breakfast. If something will cause that schedule to deviate for some reason (i.e. one of us has to leave early for a meeting, has a call or appointment, etc.), then we discuss the night before so we know what the plan is the next day. We're also flexible - earlier this week my husband woke up and felt terrible, so he did the dogs but then instead of joining us for breakfast and helping clean the kitchen, I told him to go back to bed. So while the schedule sound rigid, it's really not. It just helps to have defined activities that each person knows they're responsible for. Then if something comes up, we're both willing to pitch in and help deal with it (sick kid, sick dog, etc.).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would lose my mind over this. But the truth is, I am generally a very direct person. So, I would probably have said “please get her dressed, fed and teeth brushed while I shower.” Because that is just how I operate.

But my husband does just fine getting kids ready without me explaining how it works. What happens if you go out of town?

Let me add if this did happen, the conversation would probably be something like “dude, you knew we were running late and you did nothing to get her ready. I am not your magic fairy. I need you to do stuff you know needs to be done. You manage to be a competent 50 year old human. Do you really expect me to believe you don’t know when a kid needs to get ready in the morning?” Depending on his reaction, this could go in a lot of directions.

I sort of yelled at him something like how do you not even care about anything and just assume I will do EVERYTHING!!! Which was not helpful I know. But I guess starting with what on earth was going through your mind that you just disappeared without checking in that our child was ready would be a good start.

To play devil's advocate, it sounds like your child is old enough to be able to get herself ready (since she did), so rather than wondering why he didn't check on whether she was getting herself ready (which she did), maybe consider that what was going through his mind is that didn't know she wasn't going to get ready (she you didn't tell him that, all you said is that she had an attitude and you needed to shower). I find that you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar (although I've always thought this saying is weird because who wants flies?!?) so starting the conversation off by yelling at him might not be the best idea...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would lose my mind over this. But the truth is, I am generally a very direct person. So, I would probably have said “please get her dressed, fed and teeth brushed while I shower.” Because that is just how I operate.

But my husband does just fine getting kids ready without me explaining how it works. What happens if you go out of town?

Let me add if this did happen, the conversation would probably be something like “dude, you knew we were running late and you did nothing to get her ready. I am not your magic fairy. I need you to do stuff you know needs to be done. You manage to be a competent 50 year old human. Do you really expect me to believe you don’t know when a kid needs to get ready in the morning?” Depending on his reaction, this could go in a lot of directions.

I sort of yelled at him something like how do you not even care about anything and just assume I will do EVERYTHING!!! Which was not helpful I know. But I guess starting with what on earth was going through your mind that you just disappeared without checking in that our child was ready would be a good start.

My wife adjusted me over doing something similiar. She ripped into me pretty good.

Did you change? Or just get annoyed at her?

I was annoyed at first but i apologized and i was totally in the wrong.
It was more so i guess because she had already reminded me 3 times and still had to adjust me for being late made her furious. It was bad.

This is different than the OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like this kid is old enough to get dressed on her own. You sent her upstairs and gaver her instructions to get dressed. You told DH she isn’t dressed “yet”. It sounds like he took you at your word and was expecting her to come down when she was finished. Not an unreasonable expectation of his if he’s the one who usually gets them ready for school anyway.

A simple miscommunication not worth blowing up over IMO but you took it there first unfortunately.

This is how I would read it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like this kid is old enough to get dressed on her own. You sent her upstairs and gaver her instructions to get dressed. You told DH she isn’t dressed “yet”. It sounds like he took you at your word and was expecting her to come down when she was finished. Not an unreasonable expectation of his if he’s the one who usually gets them ready for school anyway.

A simple miscommunication not worth blowing up over IMO but you took it there first unfortunately.

This is how I would read it.

I mean, I guess I can understand it wasn’t the clearest. He was there when I asked her to get ready 10 minutes earlier and she had refused so I thought it was clear that she was still refusing. But what I can’t understand is just walking off from my spouse who has articulated that we are running late after saying you would have the child sit with you and just doing ….nothing? It’s not rocket science we need to leave very soon and my spouse can’t make that happen if she’s in the shower. I truly don’t understand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like this kid is old enough to get dressed on her own. You sent her upstairs and gaver her instructions to get dressed. You told DH she isn’t dressed “yet”. It sounds like he took you at your word and was expecting her to come down when she was finished. Not an unreasonable expectation of his if he’s the one who usually gets them ready for school anyway.

A simple miscommunication not worth blowing up over IMO but you took it there first unfortunately.

This is how I would read it.

I mean, I guess I can understand it wasn’t the clearest. He was there when I asked her to get ready 10 minutes earlier and she had refused so I thought it was clear that she was still refusing. But what I can’t understand is just walking off from my spouse who has articulated that we are running late after saying you would have the child sit with you and just doing ….nothing? It’s not rocket science we need to leave very soon and my spouse can’t make that happen if she’s in the shower. I truly don’t understand.

Have you dealt with him over this yet?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would lose my mind over this. But the truth is, I am generally a very direct person. So, I would probably have said “please get her dressed, fed and teeth brushed while I shower.” Because that is just how I operate.

But my husband does just fine getting kids ready without me explaining how it works. What happens if you go out of town?

Let me add if this did happen, the conversation would probably be something like “dude, you knew we were running late and you did nothing to get her ready. I am not your magic fairy. I need you to do stuff you know needs to be done. You manage to be a competent 50 year old human. Do you really expect me to believe you don’t know when a kid needs to get ready in the morning?” Depending on his reaction, this could go in a lot of directions.

I sort of yelled at him something like how do you not even care about anything and just assume I will do EVERYTHING!!! Which was not helpful I know. But I guess starting with what on earth was going through your mind that you just disappeared without checking in that our child was ready would be a good start.

Your DH is a lazy moron.

[Anonymous]

My Dh has ADHD and I can't ask him to do anything in passing. I need to stop him doing whatever he is doing and make eye contact while I tell him what I need taken care of. If it's REALLY important I'll tell him and then hand him a sticky note as well. He never sees what needs to be done and he knows it, so as long as I do the above he gets it done well and without complaint.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would lose my mind over this. But the truth is, I am generally a very direct person. So, I would probably have said “please get her dressed, fed and teeth brushed while I shower.” Because that is just how I operate.

But my husband does just fine getting kids ready without me explaining how it works. What happens if you go out of town?

Let me add if this did happen, the conversation would probably be something like “dude, you knew we were running late and you did nothing to get her ready. I am not your magic fairy. I need you to do stuff you know needs to be done. You manage to be a competent 50 year old human. Do you really expect me to believe you don’t know when a kid needs to get ready in the morning?” Depending on his reaction, this could go in a lot of directions.

I sort of yelled at him something like how do you not even care about anything and just assume I will do EVERYTHING!!! Which was not helpful I know. But I guess starting with what on earth was going through your mind that you just disappeared without checking in that our child was ready would be a good start.

Your DH is a lazy moron.

Truth

[Anonymous]

This is the big problem, right? Men think they are there to "help" and need to be delegated to. It's infuriating when they play stupid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would lose my mind over this. But the truth is, I am generally a very direct person. So, I would probably have said “please get her dressed, fed and teeth brushed while I shower.” Because that is just how I operate.

But my husband does just fine getting kids ready without me explaining how it works. What happens if you go out of town?

Let me add if this did happen, the conversation would probably be something like “dude, you knew we were running late and you did nothing to get her ready. I am not your magic fairy. I need you to do stuff you know needs to be done. You manage to be a competent 50 year old human. Do you really expect me to believe you don’t know when a kid needs to get ready in the morning?” Depending on his reaction, this could go in a lot of directions.

I sort of yelled at him something like how do you not even care about anything and just assume I will do EVERYTHING!!! Which was not helpful I know. But I guess starting with what on earth was going through your mind that you just disappeared without checking in that our child was ready would be a good start.

My wife adjusted me over doing something similiar. She ripped into me pretty good.

Did you change? Or just get annoyed at her?

I was annoyed at first but i apologized and i was totally in the wrong.
It was more so i guess because she had already reminded me 3 times and still had to adjust me for being late made her furious. It was bad.

This is different than the OP.

Yeah Op here and that’s way worse. I hope you have gotten yourself together.

[Anonymous]

OP what age would you place him maturity level vs actual age?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is the big problem, right? Men think they are there to "help" and need to be delegated to. It's infuriating when they play stupid.

I think today it crystallized for me that when he gets upset and says I’m not communicating it means “unless you have told me exactly what to do and when to do it I am free to do assume you will handle everything because you are here”. And it’s making more upset than just this morning really justifies. If I say I am making an appointment at this date and time can you take DD he will do it. But when he says he will make an appointment….it never happens. And if I complain that our child’s physical that he said he would schedule is 3 months overdue “he’s been too busy”. I guess it’s my fault for not saying “please make the appointment when it is due?” I don’t even know. It really is the difference between having a partner vs having an employee you can give specific tasks to. It sucks.