Communication

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I feel like I could have written your post some days so I completely empathize. I am approaching this from a place of total calm because I wasn't involved in your situation and am also approaching it from a bit of a vacuum because I don't have all the shared history you have with your husband, so take what I say with a grain of salt - I am not attempting to minimize your feelings at all, I'm just reading the black and white words you wrote.

You said your husband normally gets the kids ready for school - this morning why did he think he wasn't responsible for doing that with the daughter who had the doctor's appointment? Had you said anything like "I'll handle her since I'm taking her" or something along those lines? You may want to ask him if you did if you don't remember. I say this because commenting on how she wasn't dressed yet didn't necessarily clue him in that something was wrong. Yes, you said she was giving you attitude, so he could have gone and investigated the situation himself, but hopefully you can see how him pulling from what you said that he needed to go make sure she was ready would require a bit of mind reading/thinking about the situation. Does that make sense? To be clear, I'm not being critical of you, because I GET IT! I'm just trying to help you see how in this case if he thought he wasn't responsible for her, you didn't really ever tell him that that situation had changed. So it's not that he's assuming you have it all the time, but in this case he may have been under the impression that you were handling it because of something you said or because the morning routine was different.

So, in this case, I'm not saying your husband couldn't have jumped up and helped you when he saw that you were stressed, but I am saying that it likely wasn't clear to him that you needed his help. You said you regularly feel like the default parent if you're both there, and that's problematic, but I don't think this morning is necessarily evidence of that issue (although I see how they are intertwined in your head right now and they seem like the same thing). If this morning he assumed you were responsible for the child not going to school, then I do think you can discuss that with him and ask why he assumes that if anything goes slightly off schedule why that should be on you. Ask him what he would have expected of the morning had he been the one to take her to the doctor. But if this morning he believed that you were handling the child not going to school because you had said as much (or even that you had started to get her ready, which signaled to him that you "had it"), then I think you can also discuss this with him but I would be conscious of not snapping at him for not realizing that you needed help.

My husband is wonderful and very involved with our kids BUT he still drives me crazy sometimes and it's mostly because we're different people and sometimes it's hard to imagine how someone other than you would handle something. In your mind, if you saw your spouse running around stressed out, you would likely ask what you can do to help them, and then try to make sure things were organized while they were in the shower. In your husband's mind, if he is not responsible for something, he is not responsible for it and he will focus on something else. Some people (often/usually men) are better at this than others. I could be writing a brief for work but I'm also thinking about how I need to schedule a sitter for the baby shower I was invited to because my husband is out of town that weekend. My husband literally does one thing at a time. I envy him sometimes.

Sorry this got so long, I just really felt your post, and I do totally understand where you're coming from. I think understanding how your husband's brain works (which is to say, he is focused on a single task a at a time and does not read cues of other things happening) maybe will help you not get mad at him. You're still allowed to be frustrated, but I've found that trying to figure out how my husband sees things and appreciating that it's not the same way I see things helps us not get angry with each other.

I’m sure you mean well but all these hypotheticals have nothing to do with how the morning actually went. As I said if I’m not commuting I will sometimes help out so me having told DD to get dressed was not a big change from the norm. I was purposely telling DH she had not done that when I saw her last. I had mentioned earlier I absolutely had to shower and I was stressed she was putting up a fight because she would normally have been dressed and ready to go with plenty of time for me to shower (our other child had already left for school that they both go to). I did not specifically say that she needed to be dressed to go to the appointment or that he should get her ready. But I just don’t want to be in a marriage where that’s the expectation. I feel like I already spoon feed him more than I should have to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP what age would you place him maturity level vs actual age?

In many ways he is very mature. He’s good at his job and he would never let something slip through the cracks or just assume it would work out at work. I do think he has ADHD (our daughter was diagnosed a couple years ago and it was a bit aha moment for me) but he has refused my gentle requests to get evaluated because “he’s managing fine”.

Maybe we need to go to marriage counseling. This has generally been less of a problem as our kids have gotten older and do more for themselves but I am getting really fed up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP what age would you place him maturity level vs actual age?

In many ways he is very mature. He’s good at his job and he would never let something slip through the cracks or just assume it would work out at work. I do think he has ADHD (our daughter was diagnosed a couple years ago and it was a bit aha moment for me) but he has refused my gentle requests to get evaluated because “he’s managing fine”.

Maybe we need to go to marriage counseling. This has generally been less of a problem as our kids have gotten older and do more for themselves but I am getting really fed up.

He thinks he is managing fine lol he should be more in tune with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I feel like I could have written your post some days so I completely empathize. I am approaching this from a place of total calm because I wasn't involved in your situation and am also approaching it from a bit of a vacuum because I don't have all the shared history you have with your husband, so take what I say with a grain of salt - I am not attempting to minimize your feelings at all, I'm just reading the black and white words you wrote.

You said your husband normally gets the kids ready for school - this morning why did he think he wasn't responsible for doing that with the daughter who had the doctor's appointment? Had you said anything like "I'll handle her since I'm taking her" or something along those lines? You may want to ask him if you did if you don't remember. I say this because commenting on how she wasn't dressed yet didn't necessarily clue him in that something was wrong. Yes, you said she was giving you attitude, so he could have gone and investigated the situation himself, but hopefully you can see how him pulling from what you said that he needed to go make sure she was ready would require a bit of mind reading/thinking about the situation. Does that make sense? To be clear, I'm not being critical of you, because I GET IT! I'm just trying to help you see how in this case if he thought he wasn't responsible for her, you didn't really ever tell him that that situation had changed. So it's not that he's assuming you have it all the time, but in this case he may have been under the impression that you were handling it because of something you said or because the morning routine was different.

So, in this case, I'm not saying your husband couldn't have jumped up and helped you when he saw that you were stressed, but I am saying that it likely wasn't clear to him that you needed his help. You said you regularly feel like the default parent if you're both there, and that's problematic, but I don't think this morning is necessarily evidence of that issue (although I see how they are intertwined in your head right now and they seem like the same thing). If this morning he assumed you were responsible for the child not going to school, then I do think you can discuss that with him and ask why he assumes that if anything goes slightly off schedule why that should be on you. Ask him what he would have expected of the morning had he been the one to take her to the doctor. But if this morning he believed that you were handling the child not going to school because you had said as much (or even that you had started to get her ready, which signaled to him that you "had it"), then I think you can also discuss this with him but I would be conscious of not snapping at him for not realizing that you needed help.

My husband is wonderful and very involved with our kids BUT he still drives me crazy sometimes and it's mostly because we're different people and sometimes it's hard to imagine how someone other than you would handle something. In your mind, if you saw your spouse running around stressed out, you would likely ask what you can do to help them, and then try to make sure things were organized while they were in the shower. In your husband's mind, if he is not responsible for something, he is not responsible for it and he will focus on something else. Some people (often/usually men) are better at this than others. I could be writing a brief for work but I'm also thinking about how I need to schedule a sitter for the baby shower I was invited to because my husband is out of town that weekend. My husband literally does one thing at a time. I envy him sometimes.

Sorry this got so long, I just really felt your post, and I do totally understand where you're coming from. I think understanding how your husband's brain works (which is to say, he is focused on a single task a at a time and does not read cues of other things happening) maybe will help you not get mad at him. You're still allowed to be frustrated, but I've found that trying to figure out how my husband sees things and appreciating that it's not the same way I see things helps us not get angry with each other.

I’m sure you mean well but all these hypotheticals have nothing to do with how the morning actually went. As I said if I’m not commuting I will sometimes help out so me having told DD to get dressed was not a big change from the norm. I was purposely telling DH she had not done that when I saw her last. I had mentioned earlier I absolutely had to shower and I was stressed she was putting up a fight because she would normally have been dressed and ready to go with plenty of time for me to shower (our other child had already left for school that they both go to). I did not specifically say that she needed to be dressed to go to the appointment or that he should get her ready. But I just don’t want to be in a marriage where that’s the expectation. I feel like I already spoon feed him more than I should have to.

You have to deal with the husband you have. He responds to direct communication. You can ask for (not dictate!) what you want him to help with and that’s not spoon feeding him. Give grace and accept that there are some times you don’t do everything perfectly either that he probably cuts you slack for too. You guys are a team, not adversaries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is the big problem, right? Men think they are there to "help" and need to be delegated to. It's infuriating when they play stupid.

I think today it crystallized for me that when he gets upset and says I’m not communicating it means “unless you have told me exactly what to do and when to do it I am free to do assume you will handle everything because you are here”. And it’s making more upset than just this morning really justifies. If I say I am making an appointment at this date and time can you take DD he will do it. But when he says he will make an appointment….it never happens. And if I complain that our child’s physical that he said he would schedule is 3 months overdue “he’s been too busy”. I guess it’s my fault for not saying “please make the appointment when it is due?” I don’t even know. It really is the difference between having a partner vs having an employee you can give specific tasks to. It sucks.

OP, it's clear that there is more going on than just what happened this morning. So even if you did overreact this morning (and you even admitted that you weren't particularly clear when you spoke to him), I can see how this was the straw that broke the camel's back if you've been living with this for years.

Have you tried talking to him about it in a way that tells him how it makes you feel? So not, I wish you would do XYZ, but when you do XYZ it makes me feel ABC.

[Anonymous]

I think she is exhausted i bet when it comes to having sex he is on his A game.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I feel like I could have written your post some days so I completely empathize. I am approaching this from a place of total calm because I wasn't involved in your situation and am also approaching it from a bit of a vacuum because I don't have all the shared history you have with your husband, so take what I say with a grain of salt - I am not attempting to minimize your feelings at all, I'm just reading the black and white words you wrote.

You said your husband normally gets the kids ready for school - this morning why did he think he wasn't responsible for doing that with the daughter who had the doctor's appointment? Had you said anything like "I'll handle her since I'm taking her" or something along those lines? You may want to ask him if you did if you don't remember. I say this because commenting on how she wasn't dressed yet didn't necessarily clue him in that something was wrong. Yes, you said she was giving you attitude, so he could have gone and investigated the situation himself, but hopefully you can see how him pulling from what you said that he needed to go make sure she was ready would require a bit of mind reading/thinking about the situation. Does that make sense? To be clear, I'm not being critical of you, because I GET IT! I'm just trying to help you see how in this case if he thought he wasn't responsible for her, you didn't really ever tell him that that situation had changed. So it's not that he's assuming you have it all the time, but in this case he may have been under the impression that you were handling it because of something you said or because the morning routine was different.

So, in this case, I'm not saying your husband couldn't have jumped up and helped you when he saw that you were stressed, but I am saying that it likely wasn't clear to him that you needed his help. You said you regularly feel like the default parent if you're both there, and that's problematic, but I don't think this morning is necessarily evidence of that issue (although I see how they are intertwined in your head right now and they seem like the same thing). If this morning he assumed you were responsible for the child not going to school, then I do think you can discuss that with him and ask why he assumes that if anything goes slightly off schedule why that should be on you. Ask him what he would have expected of the morning had he been the one to take her to the doctor. But if this morning he believed that you were handling the child not going to school because you had said as much (or even that you had started to get her ready, which signaled to him that you "had it"), then I think you can also discuss this with him but I would be conscious of not snapping at him for not realizing that you needed help.

My husband is wonderful and very involved with our kids BUT he still drives me crazy sometimes and it's mostly because we're different people and sometimes it's hard to imagine how someone other than you would handle something. In your mind, if you saw your spouse running around stressed out, you would likely ask what you can do to help them, and then try to make sure things were organized while they were in the shower. In your husband's mind, if he is not responsible for something, he is not responsible for it and he will focus on something else. Some people (often/usually men) are better at this than others. I could be writing a brief for work but I'm also thinking about how I need to schedule a sitter for the baby shower I was invited to because my husband is out of town that weekend. My husband literally does one thing at a time. I envy him sometimes.

Sorry this got so long, I just really felt your post, and I do totally understand where you're coming from. I think understanding how your husband's brain works (which is to say, he is focused on a single task a at a time and does not read cues of other things happening) maybe will help you not get mad at him. You're still allowed to be frustrated, but I've found that trying to figure out how my husband sees things and appreciating that it's not the same way I see things helps us not get angry with each other.

I’m sure you mean well but all these hypotheticals have nothing to do with how the morning actually went. As I said if I’m not commuting I will sometimes help out so me having told DD to get dressed was not a big change from the norm. I was purposely telling DH she had not done that when I saw her last. I had mentioned earlier I absolutely had to shower and I was stressed she was putting up a fight because she would normally have been dressed and ready to go with plenty of time for me to shower (our other child had already left for school that they both go to). I did not specifically say that she needed to be dressed to go to the appointment or that he should get her ready. But I just don’t want to be in a marriage where that’s the expectation. I feel like I already spoon feed him more than I should have to.

You have to deal with the husband you have. He responds to direct communication. You can ask for (not dictate!) what you want him to help with and that’s not spoon feeding him. Give grace and accept that there are some times you don’t do everything perfectly either that he probably cuts you slack for too. You guys are a team, not adversaries.

Dude, that's HIS KID. Why does she need to ask him to help parent his own kid?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I feel like I could have written your post some days so I completely empathize. I am approaching this from a place of total calm because I wasn't involved in your situation and am also approaching it from a bit of a vacuum because I don't have all the shared history you have with your husband, so take what I say with a grain of salt - I am not attempting to minimize your feelings at all, I'm just reading the black and white words you wrote.

You said your husband normally gets the kids ready for school - this morning why did he think he wasn't responsible for doing that with the daughter who had the doctor's appointment? Had you said anything like "I'll handle her since I'm taking her" or something along those lines? You may want to ask him if you did if you don't remember. I say this because commenting on how she wasn't dressed yet didn't necessarily clue him in that something was wrong. Yes, you said she was giving you attitude, so he could have gone and investigated the situation himself, but hopefully you can see how him pulling from what you said that he needed to go make sure she was ready would require a bit of mind reading/thinking about the situation. Does that make sense? To be clear, I'm not being critical of you, because I GET IT! I'm just trying to help you see how in this case if he thought he wasn't responsible for her, you didn't really ever tell him that that situation had changed. So it's not that he's assuming you have it all the time, but in this case he may have been under the impression that you were handling it because of something you said or because the morning routine was different.

So, in this case, I'm not saying your husband couldn't have jumped up and helped you when he saw that you were stressed, but I am saying that it likely wasn't clear to him that you needed his help. You said you regularly feel like the default parent if you're both there, and that's problematic, but I don't think this morning is necessarily evidence of that issue (although I see how they are intertwined in your head right now and they seem like the same thing). If this morning he assumed you were responsible for the child not going to school, then I do think you can discuss that with him and ask why he assumes that if anything goes slightly off schedule why that should be on you. Ask him what he would have expected of the morning had he been the one to take her to the doctor. But if this morning he believed that you were handling the child not going to school because you had said as much (or even that you had started to get her ready, which signaled to him that you "had it"), then I think you can also discuss this with him but I would be conscious of not snapping at him for not realizing that you needed help.

My husband is wonderful and very involved with our kids BUT he still drives me crazy sometimes and it's mostly because we're different people and sometimes it's hard to imagine how someone other than you would handle something. In your mind, if you saw your spouse running around stressed out, you would likely ask what you can do to help them, and then try to make sure things were organized while they were in the shower. In your husband's mind, if he is not responsible for something, he is not responsible for it and he will focus on something else. Some people (often/usually men) are better at this than others. I could be writing a brief for work but I'm also thinking about how I need to schedule a sitter for the baby shower I was invited to because my husband is out of town that weekend. My husband literally does one thing at a time. I envy him sometimes.

Sorry this got so long, I just really felt your post, and I do totally understand where you're coming from. I think understanding how your husband's brain works (which is to say, he is focused on a single task a at a time and does not read cues of other things happening) maybe will help you not get mad at him. You're still allowed to be frustrated, but I've found that trying to figure out how my husband sees things and appreciating that it's not the same way I see things helps us not get angry with each other.

I’m sure you mean well but all these hypotheticals have nothing to do with how the morning actually went. As I said if I’m not commuting I will sometimes help out so me having told DD to get dressed was not a big change from the norm. I was purposely telling DH she had not done that when I saw her last. I had mentioned earlier I absolutely had to shower and I was stressed she was putting up a fight because she would normally have been dressed and ready to go with plenty of time for me to shower (our other child had already left for school that they both go to). I did not specifically say that she needed to be dressed to go to the appointment or that he should get her ready. But I just don’t want to be in a marriage where that’s the expectation. I feel like I already spoon feed him more than I should have to.

You have to deal with the husband you have. He responds to direct communication. You can ask for (not dictate!) what you want him to help with and that’s not spoon feeding him. Give grace and accept that there are some times you don’t do everything perfectly either that he probably cuts you slack for too. You guys are a team, not adversaries.

I mean, if you are good with modeling to your children that it’s fine for dad to sit on his butt while mom literally runs around the house unless she specifically asks him to do something, I guess you can do that. I view caring for our children to be a joint responsibility and not something I’m in charge of that I ask him to help me with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I feel like I could have written your post some days so I completely empathize. I am approaching this from a place of total calm because I wasn't involved in your situation and am also approaching it from a bit of a vacuum because I don't have all the shared history you have with your husband, so take what I say with a grain of salt - I am not attempting to minimize your feelings at all, I'm just reading the black and white words you wrote.

You said your husband normally gets the kids ready for school - this morning why did he think he wasn't responsible for doing that with the daughter who had the doctor's appointment? Had you said anything like "I'll handle her since I'm taking her" or something along those lines? You may want to ask him if you did if you don't remember. I say this because commenting on how she wasn't dressed yet didn't necessarily clue him in that something was wrong. Yes, you said she was giving you attitude, so he could have gone and investigated the situation himself, but hopefully you can see how him pulling from what you said that he needed to go make sure she was ready would require a bit of mind reading/thinking about the situation. Does that make sense? To be clear, I'm not being critical of you, because I GET IT! I'm just trying to help you see how in this case if he thought he wasn't responsible for her, you didn't really ever tell him that that situation had changed. So it's not that he's assuming you have it all the time, but in this case he may have been under the impression that you were handling it because of something you said or because the morning routine was different.

So, in this case, I'm not saying your husband couldn't have jumped up and helped you when he saw that you were stressed, but I am saying that it likely wasn't clear to him that you needed his help. You said you regularly feel like the default parent if you're both there, and that's problematic, but I don't think this morning is necessarily evidence of that issue (although I see how they are intertwined in your head right now and they seem like the same thing). If this morning he assumed you were responsible for the child not going to school, then I do think you can discuss that with him and ask why he assumes that if anything goes slightly off schedule why that should be on you. Ask him what he would have expected of the morning had he been the one to take her to the doctor. But if this morning he believed that you were handling the child not going to school because you had said as much (or even that you had started to get her ready, which signaled to him that you "had it"), then I think you can also discuss this with him but I would be conscious of not snapping at him for not realizing that you needed help.

My husband is wonderful and very involved with our kids BUT he still drives me crazy sometimes and it's mostly because we're different people and sometimes it's hard to imagine how someone other than you would handle something. In your mind, if you saw your spouse running around stressed out, you would likely ask what you can do to help them, and then try to make sure things were organized while they were in the shower. In your husband's mind, if he is not responsible for something, he is not responsible for it and he will focus on something else. Some people (often/usually men) are better at this than others. I could be writing a brief for work but I'm also thinking about how I need to schedule a sitter for the baby shower I was invited to because my husband is out of town that weekend. My husband literally does one thing at a time. I envy him sometimes.

Sorry this got so long, I just really felt your post, and I do totally understand where you're coming from. I think understanding how your husband's brain works (which is to say, he is focused on a single task a at a time and does not read cues of other things happening) maybe will help you not get mad at him. You're still allowed to be frustrated, but I've found that trying to figure out how my husband sees things and appreciating that it's not the same way I see things helps us not get angry with each other.

I’m sure you mean well but all these hypotheticals have nothing to do with how the morning actually went. As I said if I’m not commuting I will sometimes help out so me having told DD to get dressed was not a big change from the norm. I was purposely telling DH she had not done that when I saw her last. I had mentioned earlier I absolutely had to shower and I was stressed she was putting up a fight because she would normally have been dressed and ready to go with plenty of time for me to shower (our other child had already left for school that they both go to). I did not specifically say that she needed to be dressed to go to the appointment or that he should get her ready. But I just don’t want to be in a marriage where that’s the expectation. I feel like I already spoon feed him more than I should have to.

You have to deal with the husband you have. He responds to direct communication. You can ask for (not dictate!) what you want him to help with and that’s not spoon feeding him. Give grace and accept that there are some times you don’t do everything perfectly either that he probably cuts you slack for too. You guys are a team, not adversaries.

Dude, that's HIS KID. Why does she need to ask him to help parent his own kid?!

“Parent”, contrary to popular opinion, is not a verb. It is a noun. “The kid is not dressed yet” is not clear communication. It expects the listener to read minds. “We need to get kid dressed ASAP and she’s being pissy, can you check in? I’m getting in the shower.” is an actionable request and also *gasp* asking for help.

[Anonymous]

It shouldnt be this hard for her husband to listen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I feel like I could have written your post some days so I completely empathize. I am approaching this from a place of total calm because I wasn't involved in your situation and am also approaching it from a bit of a vacuum because I don't have all the shared history you have with your husband, so take what I say with a grain of salt - I am not attempting to minimize your feelings at all, I'm just reading the black and white words you wrote.

You said your husband normally gets the kids ready for school - this morning why did he think he wasn't responsible for doing that with the daughter who had the doctor's appointment? Had you said anything like "I'll handle her since I'm taking her" or something along those lines? You may want to ask him if you did if you don't remember. I say this because commenting on how she wasn't dressed yet didn't necessarily clue him in that something was wrong. Yes, you said she was giving you attitude, so he could have gone and investigated the situation himself, but hopefully you can see how him pulling from what you said that he needed to go make sure she was ready would require a bit of mind reading/thinking about the situation. Does that make sense? To be clear, I'm not being critical of you, because I GET IT! I'm just trying to help you see how in this case if he thought he wasn't responsible for her, you didn't really ever tell him that that situation had changed. So it's not that he's assuming you have it all the time, but in this case he may have been under the impression that you were handling it because of something you said or because the morning routine was different.

So, in this case, I'm not saying your husband couldn't have jumped up and helped you when he saw that you were stressed, but I am saying that it likely wasn't clear to him that you needed his help. You said you regularly feel like the default parent if you're both there, and that's problematic, but I don't think this morning is necessarily evidence of that issue (although I see how they are intertwined in your head right now and they seem like the same thing). If this morning he assumed you were responsible for the child not going to school, then I do think you can discuss that with him and ask why he assumes that if anything goes slightly off schedule why that should be on you. Ask him what he would have expected of the morning had he been the one to take her to the doctor. But if this morning he believed that you were handling the child not going to school because you had said as much (or even that you had started to get her ready, which signaled to him that you "had it"), then I think you can also discuss this with him but I would be conscious of not snapping at him for not realizing that you needed help.

My husband is wonderful and very involved with our kids BUT he still drives me crazy sometimes and it's mostly because we're different people and sometimes it's hard to imagine how someone other than you would handle something. In your mind, if you saw your spouse running around stressed out, you would likely ask what you can do to help them, and then try to make sure things were organized while they were in the shower. In your husband's mind, if he is not responsible for something, he is not responsible for it and he will focus on something else. Some people (often/usually men) are better at this than others. I could be writing a brief for work but I'm also thinking about how I need to schedule a sitter for the baby shower I was invited to because my husband is out of town that weekend. My husband literally does one thing at a time. I envy him sometimes.

Sorry this got so long, I just really felt your post, and I do totally understand where you're coming from. I think understanding how your husband's brain works (which is to say, he is focused on a single task a at a time and does not read cues of other things happening) maybe will help you not get mad at him. You're still allowed to be frustrated, but I've found that trying to figure out how my husband sees things and appreciating that it's not the same way I see things helps us not get angry with each other.

I’m sure you mean well but all these hypotheticals have nothing to do with how the morning actually went. As I said if I’m not commuting I will sometimes help out so me having told DD to get dressed was not a big change from the norm. I was purposely telling DH she had not done that when I saw her last. I had mentioned earlier I absolutely had to shower and I was stressed she was putting up a fight because she would normally have been dressed and ready to go with plenty of time for me to shower (our other child had already left for school that they both go to). I did not specifically say that she needed to be dressed to go to the appointment or that he should get her ready. But I just don’t want to be in a marriage where that’s the expectation. I feel like I already spoon feed him more than I should have to.

You have to deal with the husband you have. He responds to direct communication. You can ask for (not dictate!) what you want him to help with and that’s not spoon feeding him. Give grace and accept that there are some times you don’t do everything perfectly either that he probably cuts you slack for too. You guys are a team, not adversaries.

Dude, that's HIS KID. Why does she need to ask him to help parent his own kid?!

“Parent”, contrary to popular opinion, is not a verb. It is a noun. “The kid is not dressed yet” is not clear communication. It expects the listener to read minds. “We need to get kid dressed ASAP and she’s being pissy, can you check in? I’m getting in the shower.” is an actionable request and also *gasp* asking for help.

He doesn’t have to be a mind reader! This is not a secret thing. He could have looked with his eyes to see if she had actually gotten dressed if he cared enough to do it. He certainly didn’t feel he needed to give me clear explicit instructions earlier when he got himself ready. He expected me to be a parent and feed the kids etc and keep the morning moving despite our daughter making everything harder than normal. The idea that I can’t expect the same from him because I have a vagina is insane.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I feel like I could have written your post some days so I completely empathize. I am approaching this from a place of total calm because I wasn't involved in your situation and am also approaching it from a bit of a vacuum because I don't have all the shared history you have with your husband, so take what I say with a grain of salt - I am not attempting to minimize your feelings at all, I'm just reading the black and white words you wrote.

You said your husband normally gets the kids ready for school - this morning why did he think he wasn't responsible for doing that with the daughter who had the doctor's appointment? Had you said anything like "I'll handle her since I'm taking her" or something along those lines? You may want to ask him if you did if you don't remember. I say this because commenting on how she wasn't dressed yet didn't necessarily clue him in that something was wrong. Yes, you said she was giving you attitude, so he could have gone and investigated the situation himself, but hopefully you can see how him pulling from what you said that he needed to go make sure she was ready would require a bit of mind reading/thinking about the situation. Does that make sense? To be clear, I'm not being critical of you, because I GET IT! I'm just trying to help you see how in this case if he thought he wasn't responsible for her, you didn't really ever tell him that that situation had changed. So it's not that he's assuming you have it all the time, but in this case he may have been under the impression that you were handling it because of something you said or because the morning routine was different.

So, in this case, I'm not saying your husband couldn't have jumped up and helped you when he saw that you were stressed, but I am saying that it likely wasn't clear to him that you needed his help. You said you regularly feel like the default parent if you're both there, and that's problematic, but I don't think this morning is necessarily evidence of that issue (although I see how they are intertwined in your head right now and they seem like the same thing). If this morning he assumed you were responsible for the child not going to school, then I do think you can discuss that with him and ask why he assumes that if anything goes slightly off schedule why that should be on you. Ask him what he would have expected of the morning had he been the one to take her to the doctor. But if this morning he believed that you were handling the child not going to school because you had said as much (or even that you had started to get her ready, which signaled to him that you "had it"), then I think you can also discuss this with him but I would be conscious of not snapping at him for not realizing that you needed help.

My husband is wonderful and very involved with our kids BUT he still drives me crazy sometimes and it's mostly because we're different people and sometimes it's hard to imagine how someone other than you would handle something. In your mind, if you saw your spouse running around stressed out, you would likely ask what you can do to help them, and then try to make sure things were organized while they were in the shower. In your husband's mind, if he is not responsible for something, he is not responsible for it and he will focus on something else. Some people (often/usually men) are better at this than others. I could be writing a brief for work but I'm also thinking about how I need to schedule a sitter for the baby shower I was invited to because my husband is out of town that weekend. My husband literally does one thing at a time. I envy him sometimes.

Sorry this got so long, I just really felt your post, and I do totally understand where you're coming from. I think understanding how your husband's brain works (which is to say, he is focused on a single task a at a time and does not read cues of other things happening) maybe will help you not get mad at him. You're still allowed to be frustrated, but I've found that trying to figure out how my husband sees things and appreciating that it's not the same way I see things helps us not get angry with each other.

I’m sure you mean well but all these hypotheticals have nothing to do with how the morning actually went. As I said if I’m not commuting I will sometimes help out so me having told DD to get dressed was not a big change from the norm. I was purposely telling DH she had not done that when I saw her last. I had mentioned earlier I absolutely had to shower and I was stressed she was putting up a fight because she would normally have been dressed and ready to go with plenty of time for me to shower (our other child had already left for school that they both go to). I did not specifically say that she needed to be dressed to go to the appointment or that he should get her ready. But I just don’t want to be in a marriage where that’s the expectation. I feel like I already spoon feed him more than I should have to.

You have to deal with the husband you have. He responds to direct communication. You can ask for (not dictate!) what you want him to help with and that’s not spoon feeding him. Give grace and accept that there are some times you don’t do everything perfectly either that he probably cuts you slack for too. You guys are a team, not adversaries.

Dude, that's HIS KID. Why does she need to ask him to help parent his own kid?!

“Parent”, contrary to popular opinion, is not a verb. It is a noun. “The kid is not dressed yet” is not clear communication. It expects the listener to read minds. “We need to get kid dressed ASAP and she’s being pissy, can you check in? I’m getting in the shower.” is an actionable request and also *gasp* asking for help.

He doesn’t have to be a mind reader! This is not a secret thing. He could have looked with his eyes to see if she had actually gotten dressed if he cared enough to do it. He certainly didn’t feel he needed to give me clear explicit instructions earlier when he got himself ready. He expected me to be a parent and feed the kids etc and keep the morning moving despite our daughter making everything harder than normal. The idea that I can’t expect the same from him because I have a vagina is insane.

Exactly its simple ya know what put your vagina out of service for a bit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I feel like I could have written your post some days so I completely empathize. I am approaching this from a place of total calm because I wasn't involved in your situation and am also approaching it from a bit of a vacuum because I don't have all the shared history you have with your husband, so take what I say with a grain of salt - I am not attempting to minimize your feelings at all, I'm just reading the black and white words you wrote.

You said your husband normally gets the kids ready for school - this morning why did he think he wasn't responsible for doing that with the daughter who had the doctor's appointment? Had you said anything like "I'll handle her since I'm taking her" or something along those lines? You may want to ask him if you did if you don't remember. I say this because commenting on how she wasn't dressed yet didn't necessarily clue him in that something was wrong. Yes, you said she was giving you attitude, so he could have gone and investigated the situation himself, but hopefully you can see how him pulling from what you said that he needed to go make sure she was ready would require a bit of mind reading/thinking about the situation. Does that make sense? To be clear, I'm not being critical of you, because I GET IT! I'm just trying to help you see how in this case if he thought he wasn't responsible for her, you didn't really ever tell him that that situation had changed. So it's not that he's assuming you have it all the time, but in this case he may have been under the impression that you were handling it because of something you said or because the morning routine was different.

So, in this case, I'm not saying your husband couldn't have jumped up and helped you when he saw that you were stressed, but I am saying that it likely wasn't clear to him that you needed his help. You said you regularly feel like the default parent if you're both there, and that's problematic, but I don't think this morning is necessarily evidence of that issue (although I see how they are intertwined in your head right now and they seem like the same thing). If this morning he assumed you were responsible for the child not going to school, then I do think you can discuss that with him and ask why he assumes that if anything goes slightly off schedule why that should be on you. Ask him what he would have expected of the morning had he been the one to take her to the doctor. But if this morning he believed that you were handling the child not going to school because you had said as much (or even that you had started to get her ready, which signaled to him that you "had it"), then I think you can also discuss this with him but I would be conscious of not snapping at him for not realizing that you needed help.

My husband is wonderful and very involved with our kids BUT he still drives me crazy sometimes and it's mostly because we're different people and sometimes it's hard to imagine how someone other than you would handle something. In your mind, if you saw your spouse running around stressed out, you would likely ask what you can do to help them, and then try to make sure things were organized while they were in the shower. In your husband's mind, if he is not responsible for something, he is not responsible for it and he will focus on something else. Some people (often/usually men) are better at this than others. I could be writing a brief for work but I'm also thinking about how I need to schedule a sitter for the baby shower I was invited to because my husband is out of town that weekend. My husband literally does one thing at a time. I envy him sometimes.

Sorry this got so long, I just really felt your post, and I do totally understand where you're coming from. I think understanding how your husband's brain works (which is to say, he is focused on a single task a at a time and does not read cues of other things happening) maybe will help you not get mad at him. You're still allowed to be frustrated, but I've found that trying to figure out how my husband sees things and appreciating that it's not the same way I see things helps us not get angry with each other.

I’m sure you mean well but all these hypotheticals have nothing to do with how the morning actually went. As I said if I’m not commuting I will sometimes help out so me having told DD to get dressed was not a big change from the norm. I was purposely telling DH she had not done that when I saw her last. I had mentioned earlier I absolutely had to shower and I was stressed she was putting up a fight because she would normally have been dressed and ready to go with plenty of time for me to shower (our other child had already left for school that they both go to). I did not specifically say that she needed to be dressed to go to the appointment or that he should get her ready. But I just don’t want to be in a marriage where that’s the expectation. I feel like I already spoon feed him more than I should have to.

You have to deal with the husband you have. He responds to direct communication. You can ask for (not dictate!) what you want him to help with and that’s not spoon feeding him. Give grace and accept that there are some times you don’t do everything perfectly either that he probably cuts you slack for too. You guys are a team, not adversaries.

Dude, that's HIS KID. Why does she need to ask him to help parent his own kid?!

“Parent”, contrary to popular opinion, is not a verb. It is a noun. “The kid is not dressed yet” is not clear communication. It expects the listener to read minds. “We need to get kid dressed ASAP and she’s being pissy, can you check in? I’m getting in the shower.” is an actionable request and also *gasp* asking for help.

He doesn’t have to be a mind reader! This is not a secret thing. He could have looked with his eyes to see if she had actually gotten dressed if he cared enough to do it. He certainly didn’t feel he needed to give me clear explicit instructions earlier when he got himself ready. He expected me to be a parent and feed the kids etc and keep the morning moving despite our daughter making everything harder than normal. The idea that I can’t expect the same from him because I have a vagina is insane.

Okay, so you just want to complain rather than come to a solution. Gotcha.

[Anonymous]

I wonder how many times a month she has to parent him??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I feel like I could have written your post some days so I completely empathize. I am approaching this from a place of total calm because I wasn't involved in your situation and am also approaching it from a bit of a vacuum because I don't have all the shared history you have with your husband, so take what I say with a grain of salt - I am not attempting to minimize your feelings at all, I'm just reading the black and white words you wrote.

You said your husband normally gets the kids ready for school - this morning why did he think he wasn't responsible for doing that with the daughter who had the doctor's appointment? Had you said anything like "I'll handle her since I'm taking her" or something along those lines? You may want to ask him if you did if you don't remember. I say this because commenting on how she wasn't dressed yet didn't necessarily clue him in that something was wrong. Yes, you said she was giving you attitude, so he could have gone and investigated the situation himself, but hopefully you can see how him pulling from what you said that he needed to go make sure she was ready would require a bit of mind reading/thinking about the situation. Does that make sense? To be clear, I'm not being critical of you, because I GET IT! I'm just trying to help you see how in this case if he thought he wasn't responsible for her, you didn't really ever tell him that that situation had changed. So it's not that he's assuming you have it all the time, but in this case he may have been under the impression that you were handling it because of something you said or because the morning routine was different.

So, in this case, I'm not saying your husband couldn't have jumped up and helped you when he saw that you were stressed, but I am saying that it likely wasn't clear to him that you needed his help. You said you regularly feel like the default parent if you're both there, and that's problematic, but I don't think this morning is necessarily evidence of that issue (although I see how they are intertwined in your head right now and they seem like the same thing). If this morning he assumed you were responsible for the child not going to school, then I do think you can discuss that with him and ask why he assumes that if anything goes slightly off schedule why that should be on you. Ask him what he would have expected of the morning had he been the one to take her to the doctor. But if this morning he believed that you were handling the child not going to school because you had said as much (or even that you had started to get her ready, which signaled to him that you "had it"), then I think you can also discuss this with him but I would be conscious of not snapping at him for not realizing that you needed help.

My husband is wonderful and very involved with our kids BUT he still drives me crazy sometimes and it's mostly because we're different people and sometimes it's hard to imagine how someone other than you would handle something. In your mind, if you saw your spouse running around stressed out, you would likely ask what you can do to help them, and then try to make sure things were organized while they were in the shower. In your husband's mind, if he is not responsible for something, he is not responsible for it and he will focus on something else. Some people (often/usually men) are better at this than others. I could be writing a brief for work but I'm also thinking about how I need to schedule a sitter for the baby shower I was invited to because my husband is out of town that weekend. My husband literally does one thing at a time. I envy him sometimes.

Sorry this got so long, I just really felt your post, and I do totally understand where you're coming from. I think understanding how your husband's brain works (which is to say, he is focused on a single task a at a time and does not read cues of other things happening) maybe will help you not get mad at him. You're still allowed to be frustrated, but I've found that trying to figure out how my husband sees things and appreciating that it's not the same way I see things helps us not get angry with each other.

I’m sure you mean well but all these hypotheticals have nothing to do with how the morning actually went. As I said if I’m not commuting I will sometimes help out so me having told DD to get dressed was not a big change from the norm. I was purposely telling DH she had not done that when I saw her last. I had mentioned earlier I absolutely had to shower and I was stressed she was putting up a fight because she would normally have been dressed and ready to go with plenty of time for me to shower (our other child had already left for school that they both go to). I did not specifically say that she needed to be dressed to go to the appointment or that he should get her ready. But I just don’t want to be in a marriage where that’s the expectation. I feel like I already spoon feed him more than I should have to.

You have to deal with the husband you have. He responds to direct communication. You can ask for (not dictate!) what you want him to help with and that’s not spoon feeding him. Give grace and accept that there are some times you don’t do everything perfectly either that he probably cuts you slack for too. You guys are a team, not adversaries.

Dude, that's HIS KID. Why does she need to ask him to help parent his own kid?!

“Parent”, contrary to popular opinion, is not a verb. It is a noun. “The kid is not dressed yet” is not clear communication. It expects the listener to read minds. “We need to get kid dressed ASAP and she’s being pissy, can you check in? I’m getting in the shower.” is an actionable request and also *gasp* asking for help.

Sorry, PP, but anyone with an IQ over 65 who observed the scenario OP describes should not require specific instructions.