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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I totally identify with this post. I can’t believe when he walks into a room he can’t see the situation and what needs to be done. 20 years of having to give OBVIOUS instructions really grates. When I proactively ask him to do something, I can be met with “Yes of course I was going to do that” but if I don’t there is a really good chance it doesn’t happen.

Getting ready for a holiday meal is a great example: I have to step by step give him tasks all day in prep: put leaves in the table and add the extra chairs, get ice and extra soft drinks from the store, set up the cheese plate. He does consistently set up the bar without asking. But several times a year I’m asking him to set up the table, get the ice - like it’s all new to him. And it makes me edgy because meanwhile I’m prepping and cooking in the kitchen and then have to assign another task when he comes in and says he did the table leaves, now what (okay, table pads; good job now do the chairs; great - please put ice in the glasses and pour the water) - why can’t he just do all these things without asking?[/quote]

So what if you flipped this around? If I think of something like adding oil to the car, my husband probably feels the same way you do. I've done it a few times but not enough times to remember it all. So what kind of oil is it? Do they sell that at the gas station? Do I pour the whole bottle in? I can think of other examples of things that he is mostly in charge of. But instead of getting annoyed with each other we either (a) do the tasks that we are each more familiar with (I couldn't operate the grill if my life depended on it, for example) or (b) we provide the necessary steps to the spouse who is willing to help but needs guidance.

I get that "setting a table" should be something you think everyone should do. And maybe some people think adding oil to a car is something everyone should be able to do. I get it if you're talking about changing a kid's diaper or something that you both need to know how to do, but I guess with something like doing the table I'd be willing to let it go and appreciate that he is participating. I mean, who really wanted to host the party in the first place?[/quote]
I totally agree with you but the difference i would assume is you are mature enough after being told a couple times or shown. It wouldnt need to be repeated. [/quote]

That's my point - my husband has shown me several times over the course of our marriage how to add oil to the car and yet it doesn't stick. Is it because I don't really care enough to want to learn it and store the information for future use? Probably. Should I care more and try harder to absorb the information so he doesn't have to repeat himself? Probably. Should I learn how to use the grill? Probably, but I don't want to, so I just ask him to do it when it's time to grill. Do I have any idea what to do if our internet service goes out? Nope. What if the gardener doesn't come for a whole month? I have no idea how to contact him, even though my husband has told me his name before. The latch on our fence is broken and needs to get fixed. Am I doing anything about it? No, that's on my husband. I could go on and on, but my point is that I think there are things that each spouse is better at/knows more about, and you can decide to either allow some things to be wholly handled by one person or you learn (or teach) so that everyone can do everything. If there was something that I felt my husband needed to learn (how to do a proper place setting, for example), then I'd take the time to make sure he understood it. Otherwise I'd just be happy with him helping me do it and asking where the little fork goes. Because I assume he couldn't care less how the table is set, so I'm not offended that he doesn't know how to do it, no matter how many times he's done it.

Again, this is not the same as things like childcare. Of course I expect my husband to be able to do everything for our kids. But you mentioned setting a table and I personally wouldn't get bent out of shape about that. Nor do I learn how to do everything after being shown.[/quote]

Not to sound mean but your just as immature as OP's husband. [/quote]

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